Always Wrong

You call me lazy while you sit on the couch

You call me fat while your gut’s sticking out

You call me expendable and wave your pink slip

You call me an idiot while your IQ takes a dip

You call me ugly while your lover is puking

You call me a simp while it’s her you’re abusing

You call me a loser while you’re floundering about

You call me a deadbeat while your future’s in doubt

You call me a snowflake while your eyes are pouring

You say I’m wasting my time while your life is boring

You say I’m virtue signaling to an audience of few

Yet the back of your truck says you “Back the Blue”

You’re running your mouth and you say it’s free speech

But all of my freedoms are somehow just out of reach

You abuse the constitution to make yourself feel strong

You’re not a model of strength, because you’re always wrong!

Always wrong! Always wrong!

I’ll say it over and over across a lifetime so long

Always wrong! Always wrong!

It’s a never-ending chorus for a never-ending song

Always wrong! Always wrong!

Always wrong! Always wrong!

Always wrong! Always wrong!

How are you a threat when you’re always wrong?!

You Don't Care

VERSE 1

He’s bleeding all over the streets

Every enemy lies at his feet

Waterfalls pour down his cheeks

Sweat-covered clothing starts to reek

Weapon covered in hues of red

Heartbeat slows ‘til he’s damn near dead

Broken fist raised into the air

And you don’t care

 

VERSE 2

He’s lying on the pleather couch

Traumatic stories pour from his mouth

When the war started, shit went south

He was always looking for a way out

Every time the door would open

It’d slam his fingers until they’re swollen

His soul on full display to bare

And you don’t care

 

VERSE 3

The pages have long since yellowed

The critics have raged and bellowed

One star to rule them all

One book as toilet paper in the stall

Back to the drawing board, chalk in hand

Every broken dream has turned to sand

He’s got feelings of his own to share

And you don’t care

 

OUTRO

You’re so hard to please, you love to hate-watch

You love to just kick us all in the crotch

You’re just waiting for the tiniest botch

Get through another page with a bottle of Scotch

You don’t care, oh no, you don’t care

As if your opinion was enough to scare

Me into being an obedient bastard

But haven’t you heard? I serve no masters!

Balls Deep in War

VERSE 1

I logged a hundred hours playing Call of Duty

Neon sign on my head that says, “Recruit me!”

Shave my head right down to my brain

Just kidding, I flushed that shit down the drain

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But a Drill Sergeant’s insults will turn us all to clones

If I break down and cry, I won’t be paid to die

I want to go to war and blow that shit sky high

 

CHORUS 1

Balls deep in boot camp!

Balls deep in the corps!

Balls deep in push-ups!

Balls deep in war!

 

VERSE 2

Automatic rocket launchers, automatic bazookas

Hiroshima bombs on the chicks named Asooka

I thought her name was Asuka, but who really cares?

Her pile of ashes is blowing through the air

Semi-auto flamethrowers, Tech Nine shotguns

Colt 45’s? I don’t just got one

I got two of them bitches, ‘cause I want to be the killer

Be the turban slayer and the burqa lady thriller

 

CHORUS 2

Balls deep in Iraq!

Balls deep in Japan!

Balls deep in Israel!

Balls deep in Iran!

 

VERSE 3

I’m coming back home to abuse my girlfriend

Beat her ass like a drum until the world ends

Talk shit about Muslims like it’s going out of style

This is Jesus’s world, he’s gonna be here for a while

Get a job with the police, do anything I want

I’ll get away with murder even if I get caught

I was built from the ground up to fight a lost cause

Now I’m like John Rambo breaking vagrancy laws

 

CHORUS 3

Balls deep in therapy!

Balls deep in my wife!

Balls deep in divorce!

Balls deep in civilian life!

Balls deep in loneliness!

Balls deep in being poor!

Balls deep in debt!

Balls deep in war!

 

DIALOGUE

“The few! The proud! The marines! Because toxic masculinity is what built America!”

That’s not a good thing, yo…

You're All Nazis

To every boomer who told me to get a job

To every victim blamer who laughed when I sobbed

To every ableist who called me lazy

To every bully who labeled me a baby

To every dude bro shouting from their cars

To every mean drunk who frequents all the bars

To every cop who ever patted me down

To every invalidator who told me not to frown

To every teacher who tried to break me

To every pervert who wanted to rape me

To everybody who threw their insults

Got a name for you all if you get that impulse

 

You’re all Nazis! You’re all Nazis!

Do your salute for the swarming paparazzi

Tell the world who you really are

Expose your evil like a fascist superstar

Be honest about your status as an asshole

Make it obvious that you should lose the battle

The war too, let’s not forget the bloodshed

Clean sweep you all, never be an upset

Victory, you’ll all go down in history

For being on the wrong side, the ones who cause misery

Admit to my face that you’re worthy of hate

So I can pack a 45 and seal your fate

A bullet to the dome is what you needed all along

So much evidence against you, how could I be wrong?

Close your eyes, here comes a non-surprise

Bang-bang-bang! Now you lay down and die

Launch the Third Rock, Pt. 2

I used to love the idea of reincarnation

That was before the rise of fascist nations

Before I was broken by capitalist education

Before the churchies tried to outlaw masturbation

 

Never thought I’d be jealous of an aborted fetus

Never thought I’d be thankful for a virgin penis

Wouldn’t bring a new child into this fucked up world

When their only options in life are boy or girl

 

It’s not just America, it’s the whole third rock

Everybody wants a piece of the awe and shock

Everybody does it for the lulz and the laughs

Israeli bombs get David Draiman’s autograph

 

Talk about Disturbed, you ain’t seen shit

You got to be disturbed to want any of it

You got to be fucked up in the head really bad

To enjoy the bloodshed that drives all of us mad

 

Of course you pretend like everything’s okay

‘Cause your American way is the only way

It’s the country where Jesus will come back to life

Bring you to heaven and leave behind your trad wife

 

Praying on your knees never got you anywhere

Except into a box after years of despair

The elite don’t like you, they do not respect you

Vote for them all you want, they will not protect you

 

Launch the third rock into the sun in the sky

That’s where we left off, but I’m wondering why

Shouldn’t we take this shit past the point of no return

You like to threaten hellfire? Burn, baby, burn!

 

You afraid of The Devil? He was here all along

He was every alpha leader pretending to be strong

He was every dictator who silenced his critics

Wouldn’t entertain the chance to learn and listen

 

You want your own bubble? Now you’ve got it

Protect you from the truth, the wise ones taught it

Protect your pretty soul, the greenbacks bought it

Nobody visits you, because your heart is rotten

 

We don’t have a loneliness epidemic around here

Got an epidemic of fascists blasting out our ears

You deserve to lose every best friend you’ve got

Your family too, whether you like it or not

Femcel Fatale

VERSE 1 (FEMCEL)

“I can’t play a game of Magic worth a good goddamn

But I bet you’re just dying to know who I am

I’m the woman of your dreams, the very worst kind

Let my demonic image burn right into your mind

What’s your telephone number? I like to talk a lot

Tell you all my dark secrets so spicy and hot

You’re coming with me if you’re ready or not

This is red dead city, you just might get shot”

 

PRE-CHORUS 1 (FEMCEL & ME)

“Hey! You gave me the wrong phone number!”

You want to know why? I’ll tell you why…

 

CHORUS (ME)

‘Cause you’re a creep

You’re a weirdo

What the hell are you doing here?

You don’t belong here

 

VERSE 2 (FEMCEL)

“Let’s go to Mickey D’s for our platonic date

But “platonic” and “no” are the words that I hate

The two of us can split a small Shamrock Shake

Only got one straw, my germs are yours to take

But you got your own straw to save your chiseled jaw

I got a blackbelt in judo and I’ll wrestle you raw

Sorry for the information, it’s a normal conversation

One dirty thought away from craving masturbation”

 

PRE-CHORUS 2 (FEMCEL & ME)

“Well…I had fun today!”

That makes one of us, my non-babe

 

CHORUS (ME)

‘Cause you’re a creep

You’re a weirdo

What the hell are you doing here?

You don’t belong here

 

VERSE 3 (FEMCEL)

“It’s been months since we talked, where the hell’s my body chalk?

I want to kill every man on this earth that still walks

I got a new man who puts up with my bigotry

I like to wax poetic about all men’s idiocy

I’m a perfect little princess who can do no wrong

Unlike that lady Chyna who cut off her own shlong

I’ll keep running my mouth forever and a day

You want my first amendment rights? Come take them away”

 

PRE-CHORUS 3 (FEMCEL & ME)

“Come on, sit next to me on the couch!”

No thanks, I’d rather sit on a pin cushion

 

CHORUS (ME)

‘Cause you’re a creep

You’re a weirdo

What the hell are you doing here?

You don’t belong here

 

OUTRO (ME)

We’ll see each other again

Just kidding, you hate men

You’re not a feminist hero

You got a fan base of zero

Couldn’t find you with a Google search

You must have fucked off the face of the earth

Nothing of value was lost

Except for my sanity, it’s a heavy cost

Know Your Audience

I write because I look forward to a better day

You write laws where the teachers can’t say gay

You write for wifebeaters who have exes to pay

Conspiracy theorists who are scared of space rays

Femcels who still love Harry Potter

Twitter capitalists who disown their trans daughters

Russian spies who put ricin in your water

Big city cops arrested for manslaughter

Neckbeards who think wrestling is real

IDF soldiers who’ve got tender little feels

Girlbosses in five-thousand-dollar heels

Big mother truckers with five-thousand fucking wheels

Divorced dads who still listen to Disturbed

Libertarians who swear they’re not addicted to herbs

Movie stars who’ve been outed as pervs

Israeli politicians with some sensitive nerves

You and I, we’re not the same thing

Fight for different causes, fight for different wings

You can shoot your Bud Light with an AK-47

But when all is said and done, you’ll never go to heaven

Spend your whole life cowering from the devil

Only to realize you’re on a mediocre level

Drop the bravado, ‘cause it doesn’t mean shit

We’re already in hell, climate change burned all of it

Launch the Third Rock

When Armageddon’s come and gone, you’ll have nothing that you want

You’ll never get to heaven, ‘cause the Pearly Gates are locked

There’ll be no lake of fire for the sexual desires

Of men loving men, your Pastor Baiter is a liar

 

You want to flood the earth with a million little babies

But when they don’t show up for work, you label them as lazy

We didn’t stick around to be your economic plan

Fuck that Trickle Down shit, fuck it twice if you can

 

You created a world where the youth would die in failure

Either as a Devil Dog or a Navy SEAL sailor

You’ll never have to step up to the ones you call enemies

To keep all of your wealth, you’ll bomb anyone and anything

 

What will you do with all that big, big money

When you’ve drained the floating rock of its black, black honey?

There’s nothing left to buy, because it’s all in flames

Nowhere left to vacation, blow them up all the same

 

The last ones standing are the old farts in suits

Not even trees are left, ‘cause you sliced them at the root

All of this bravado to impress a phony prophet

A performance like this: how will you ever top it?

 

No time for an answer, because you’re going in the ground

Let the future generations put you in the lost and found

Oh wait, there’s nobody left to live this life

‘Cause you had to save some dollars, now society dies

 

Staring into nothing but an empty black screen

It’s a far cry from the fantasies of heavenly dreams

Born with a silver spoon, death by a shovel

The maggots and the worms are the only ones to cuddle

 

A civilization that drank its own poison

You ignored the warning signs, “Let the eyeballs moisten!”

No tears left to cry, because we’re all gonna die

Launch the third rock into the sun in the sky

Lose Your Job

VERSE 1

“Get off the couch, I’m a beefy alpha male

You’re a little beta simp with the body of a whale

Stop shoving all those burgers right into your gut

Hit you with a restraining order from Pizza Hut”

Hey wait, do you work at Planet Fitness?

You think being macho’s gonna get you a mistress?

I think your Red Pills might really be steroids

I’m calling your boss, he’ll make you unemployed

 

DIALOGUE

“You gonna fuck with my greenbacks, Cancel Boy?”

You’re goddamn right I am

 

NEENER-NEENER CHORUS

You’re gonna lose your job!

You’re gonna lose your job!

I’m gonna get you fired!

I’m gonna get you fired!

You’re gonna lose your job!

You’re gonna lose your job!

I’m gonna get you fired!

I’m gonna get you fired!

 

VERSE 2

“Hey, little lady, let’s make a million babies

In my cabin in the woods, not the ghettos in the hood

I’ll pay you a hundred bucks to pound your punani

Don’t tell nobody, least of all your nanny”

Hey wait, do you teach history at the school?

Do you make your kids watch Prager U and Tim Pool?

Makes me wonder if your students are virgins

We’ll see what the principal thinks of your perversion

 

DIALOGUE

“But…but…what about my income?”

Fuck your income

 

NEENER-NEENER CHORUS

You’re gonna lose your job!

You’re gonna lose your job!

I’m gonna get you fired!

I’m gonna get you fired!

You’re gonna lose your job!

You’re gonna lose your job!

I’m gonna get you fired!

I’m gonna get you fired!

 

BRIDGE

I’m petty as fuck, because you had to suck

I don’t give a shit if you’ve got negative bucks

There’s a homeless dude who wants your job

But you brushed him off as a drunken slob

There’s an impoverished mom and her son

Who you love to tell that, “Trump still won!”

But no, let’s pretend you’re the real victim

And every minority’s a top-hat-wearing villain

 

DIALOGUE

“I got canceled! What’ll I do now?”

Pull yourself up by the bootstraps!

OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!

 

NEENER-NEENER CHORUS

You’re gonna lose your job!

You’re gonna lose your job!

I’m gonna get you fired!

I’m gonna get you fired!

You’re gonna lose your job!

You’re gonna lose your job!

I’m gonna get you fired!

I’m gonna get you fired!

Kiss My Assassin

VERSE 1

When was the last time you shed a single tear?

Did you drown your sorrows in All-American beer?

Year after year, we fear for our lives

Will it be a semi-auto or some bayonet knives?

You got no heart, so you celebrate our deaths

We’re just a bunch of losers all addicted to meth

Since bigotry and bloodshed are your only passions

Put some chap stick on and KISS MY ASSASSIN!

 

VERSE 2

Sympathy and empathy are quid pro quo

Listening to you sob is like watching grass grow

You said it to us once upon a time

Now we return the favor, you MAGA slime

You can dish it out, but you can’t take it in

And you rally your militias every time you don’t win

Now that rioting has become the new fashion

Take off your shield helmet and KISS MY ASSASSIN!

 

BRIDGE

Rose red lips!

On my cheeks!

Not the ones on my face!

But the ones on my seat!

Lip balm stains!

On my starfish!

Just remember!

You started this!

 

VERSE 3

“Don’t sink to their level” is a way of life

For those who never had to bury their wife

She had a big dick, so she had to go under

That’s why your machinegun echoed like thunder

As it ripped apart every one of your victims

Every minor inconvenience to a prejudiced system

On the day your heart stops, you’ll get a nice crowd pop

I’ll pull down my pants and you can KISS MY ASSASSIN!

 

OUTRO

Pretty pink lips!

On my cake!

Your dignity!

Is mine to take!

Strawberry gloss!

On my crack!

You got no feelings!

You got no facts!

KISS MY ASSASSIN!

Flip the Kill Switch

VERSE 1

Story after story about violence so gory

It ain’t Hollywood glory, the nations are warring

Bright and early morning, air raid sirens give the warning

The napalm is pouring, children sleep without snoring

I get it all for free on my pretty little screen

I hear the little “DING!”, now I want to fucking scream

He says, “There’s no such thing as pain and suffering”

What the hell does that mean? Aren’t you watching them bleed?!

 

CHORUS 1

Turn it off! Can’t take anymore!

Turn it off! Don’t want to hear about war!

Take the screen and throw it like a son of a bitch!

Hurry up and end it! Flip the kill switch!

 

VERSE 2

Post after post of self-deprecating roasts

What they want the most is to be floating ghosts

Standing so close to the edge with the rope

It’s not a gallows joke, there really is no hope

I try to talk some sense to the ones who crave death

Don’t even ride the fence, it ain’t worth it in the end

He says, “If I up and went, I won’t have to pay the rent”

Are you fucked up in the head? No one wants to see you dead!

 

CHORUS 2

Turn it off! Can’t take anymore!

Turn it off! What’d you do that for?!

Take the screen and wake you up from the ditch!

Take your torture machine and flip the kill switch!

 

BRIDGE

Look around you, we’ve got so much in common

None of our lives turned out the way we wanted

Big dreams of a world where we keep the good times rolling

Lost forever to what we call doom-scrolling

25 Things That Got Me Through 2024

Well…with every year that passes in the 2020’s, I’m doing fewer and fewer activities, whether it’s creative passions or media engagement. That’s the nature of mental illness in a stressful decade that wouldn’t let up. I’ve described myself as having “negative spoons”, or less energy than a neurotypical person would ordinarily have. August was my favorite month of this fucked up year, because that’s when I’ve completely cut the cord on doom-scrolling and consuming rage-bait. Now that it’s September, I’m all out of mental energy again, because I spent all my spoons in one place. I know 2024 is far from over, but these 25 things have gotten me through it all. There might be more list items between now and January, but this is what I’ve got so far:

1. Adopting Mac & Molli (senior kitties)

2. Booker T’s WCW theme music

3. Brandon Sanderson: “Elantris” (not finished yet)

4. Creative writing (poetry, novelettes, and shower thoughts)

5. Cutting the cord on doom-scrolling

6. Dark Side of the Ring: Season Five (not finished yet)

7. Drowning Pool: “Tearing Away” (single)

8. Fatal Fury arcade soundtrack

9. Final Fight 2 soundtrack: “Bears Are Hiding in the Woods” (Japan theme)

10. Fire From the Gods: “American Sun”

11. Fire From the Gods: “Soul Revolution”

12. Latuda instead of Risperidone

13. Legacy.com’s You Tube channel

14. Lego dragon

15. Mac Lethal: “Tom MacDonald Is a Nazi” (single)

16. Marty Robbins: “Love Is Blue” (cover song)

17. Melatonin

18. Mother Mother: “It’s Alright” (single)

19. Nightcore and Daycore remixes

20. Silent Season: “Hopeless” (single)

21. Summer Farrelly (they/them)

22. The Neurodivergent Rebel a.k.a. Lyric Rivera (they/them)

23. The Punk Rock Autistic a.k.a. Dani Noreen (they/them)

24. The Speech Prof a.k.a. Professor Chesko

25. The Warning: “Breathe” (single)

Suck It Up

VERSE 1

When you drop bombs on your least favorite race

The whole world watches with tears on their face

When you cry Cancel Culture after the fact

It should be you in a coffin lying on your back

You never had to suffer like the ones you’ve killed

Just ask your billionaire daddies to pay all the bills

Sugar baby, crybaby, whatever you are

Take your insults on the chin like a boxing superstar

 

PRE-CHORUS

When we call you out on your disgusting violence

The Wahmbulance gets you, let’s flash the sirens

 

CHORUS

Suck it up! You’re guilty as charged!

Suck it up! Yet you’re still at large!

Suck it up! Answer for your sins!

Suck it up! It’s not a war you will win!

Suck it up!

 

VERSE 2

When you fire your gun at the poor and innocent

You better expect an international incident

A golden badge is not a shield from callouts

A precinct won’t save you from nuclear fallout

Your critics don’t have missiles to level the land

They’ve got two middle fingers, one in either hand

Maybe a brick if they’re feeling kind of froggy

A bloody concussion to make you feel groggy

 

CHORUS

Suck it up! You’re guilty as charged!

Suck it up! Yet you’re still at large!

Suck it up! Answer for your sins!

Suck it up! It’s not a war you will win!

Suck it up!

 

BRIDGE

A bruised ego or a rotting corpse?

Which one’s worse? The latter, of course

You play the victim and reverse criticism

Easy as pie, ‘cause you control the system

 

CHORUS

Suck it up! You’re guilty as charged!

Suck it up! Yet you’re still at large!

Suck it up! Answer for your sins!

Suck it up! It’s not a war you will win!

Suck it up!

Suck it up!

Suck it up!

Do the world a favor and shut the fuck up!

Rainbow Ranch, Epilogue

If this had been a feast on any other day, Lucy would have wolfed her entire plate down in record time. Every meal after that would have seen that record broken tenfold with even more food on her plate. But ever since the events of the past few days, pork sausages and gravy-smothered turkey weren’t at the forefront of her thoughts. She started those few days as a skinny little weakling who would shake and shiver at the thought of being obliterated by a sorcerer’s fireball. The destruction of her once beloved tennis ball nearly sent her spiraling off the deep end. But ever since finding the latent courage she always knew she had, there was a major decision she had to make. Would she continue to channel that courage into her newfound role as a soldier in the Shut Up, Stupid Dog squadron or would she return to a life of comfort and belly rubs?

 

The Chiweenie warrior scanned her bulging paranoid-looking eyes across the dining hall and saw that most of her brethren had chosen to return to the comfortable lives they once had. Gone were their humanoid features. In their place were the animal bodies that made them charming and vulnerable in the first place. Cats and dogs sitting at the long dinner table and slurping up chunks of meat with their tongues instead of forks and knives. If they had lips, the sounds of wet smacking would echo throughout the castle. King James Gaines sat at the head of the table with his own plate of mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and ham slices. To his left was Razor Ripley, an ironic choice for a dinner guest considering skeletons literally didn’t have the guts to eat a gigantic meal. Ripley’s magic was responsible for changing the animal guests back to their original forms, so it was only right that he joined this celebration of victory.

 

Lucy couldn’t find it in her heart to blame these animals for choosing comfort over duty. Ozzie and Callie were well past their prime years and deserved to enjoy a bowl of broth together as the couple they once were. Loki had no business being involved in Harrison’s war at all, so to see him munching down on juicy steak was a long time coming. Every last member of the Shut Up, Stupid Dogs squadron never wanted to be a part of the war either; they were victims of circumstance. Rainbow Ranch was never meant to be a warring nation. It was built to be an animal’s paradise, a second chance for animals who never knew what love was. In Lucy’s mind, that all changed the minute King Harrison decided to bastardize what he and his brother worked so hard to create together. In Lucy’s mind…never again would this be allowed to happen…

 

“Something troubling you, Lucy?” asked King James. “Your plate has gone untouched throughout this entire event. This is your celebration. What ails you?”

 

And just like that, Lucy’s mind was made up. She hopped out of her golden chair and scampered over to where James and Ripley were sitting. She cleared her throat in her usual skittish manner, bowed to her masters, and stood up straight with her paws behind her back. “Your majesty, I have something to say. I want to continue fighting for the Shut Up, Stupid Dogs!”

 

James and Ripley’s eyes widened at the revelation, while the dogs and cats continued to munch on their meals like dogs and cats were always meant to do, no involvement in human affairs whatsoever. Ripley asked, “Are you sure this is what you want? You looked so terrified out on the battlefield, like you couldn’t wait to curl up next to the fireplace once it was all over. Why put yourself through such misery again?”

 

“it’s not miserable!” said Lucy defensively. “I believe in my homeland! I believe in everything we stand for! If another jumbo jerk like Harrison wants to take it from us, he’ll have to go through me!” She punctuated that sentence by jumping high in the air and raising her clenched paw. “I’ll teach the next generation of puppers everything I know about courage and strength! Together we can beat anything that comes our way! We’ll give them the old one, two, buckle your shoe!” The spinning motion was easier to do without her hammer, therefore she landed perfectly on her metal-booted feet.

 

“Your enthusiasm is a breath of fresh air, Lucy the Hammer,” complimented King James. “You do realize that training a new generation of animal warriors is a big responsibility, do you not? It takes a lot of patience, much more wisdom, and the heart of a champion. You’re putting an entire squadron’s lives on your shoulders, which means you’ll have so many expectations to not only meet, but exceed. Are you prepared to take on that role?”

 

“Yes, sir!” The overly-excited Lucy spun around in the air once again and landed like a graceful dancer. “Give me everything you’ve got, your majesty! Let me at ‘em! We’ll be the best squadron ever and nobody will beat us! All hail the Shut Up, Stupid Dogs!” James and Ripley’s shoulders sagged as though Lucy had said something wrong. “Huh?”

 

“About that name…” said Ripley. “It’s officially retired. It was a rather cruel way of keeping you and your brethren in line. You and your new recruits deserve so much better than to be yelled at by an old codger like me. We need something that represents the spunky spirit of our animal soldiers. Something uplifting. Something worthy of their new leader’s excitement and zest for life. Something like…The Tennis Ball Gang!”

 

Lucy and James looked at Ripley as though he had worms crawling out of his mouth, which were probably stuck in his brain somewhere to come up with an idea like that. “Hear me out, you two.” Ripley cleared his throat. “Lucy…that tennis ball was more than a toy for you. It represented something deep within your childlike soul. It represented all the positivity you had despite being placed in a terrible situation that was not of your own making. There were many sad times during your journey, but all they did was lock the positive spirit away until it was needed the most. And when that beloved tennis ball was destroyed in combat, you knew your enemy had made a grave mistake. That tennis ball wasn’t just a toy. It represented passion.”

 

King James patted Ripley’s bony hand. “The sentiment is not lost on me, but outside of our royal circle, no one would know what that meant. Suppose another enemy comes along and threatens our homeland. What if he hears the name Tennis Ball Gang and finds nothing but amusement?”

 

“Let them laugh, your majesty!” Lucy’s excitement took over once again. “Those buttheads can have all the comedy they want, but we’ll see if they’re still laughing after losing to a scared little Chiweenie! Nobody will live down taking a loss at the hands of The Tennis Ball Gang! We’ll be remembered forever! History teachers will love us! Our enemies will learn to fear us! And nobody will mess with our precious fur babies ever again!” Lucy spun around in the air even higher this time, once again sticking the landing like an athlete.

 

James and Ripley stared contemplatively at each other for a while before nodding in agreement. James stood up with a goblet of wine in hand, a proud declaration on the horizon. “Very well! If that’s what you desire the most, it shall be done! Lucy the Hammer, you are now the official captain of The Tennis Ball Gang! You and your charges will work with other squadrons to ensure the safety of our precious homeland! When we say never again, we mean never again! Congratulations, Lucy! An honor well-deserved! Cheers!”

 

As King James took a drink of his wine, Lucy ran circles around his ankles thanking him over and over again like she consumed a handful of pixie sticks. Excitement came naturally for Lucy no matter what the situation, but it all came rushing out at once at the prospect of this new role she had been given. It was indeed an exciting time to be alive. Rainbow Ranch really did give second chances and Lucy took full advantage of those opportunities. Even Razor Ripley couldn’t help but crack a proud grin knowing that his once weakest link was now his strongest ally.

 

What did the cats and dogs think of all this? Were they every bit as excited about this new era for Rainbow Ranch? Were they looking forward to a bright future where happiness was the norm and love ruled over all? Nah. They were more interested in chomping on their plates of meat and licking their own buttholes, not necessarily in that order. What a bunch of divas.

Spoon Feed

The yellow monkeys love to do kung fu

The curtains are blue, because they set the mood

The diamonds are red, they adorn your boobs

Some food for thought that’ll put you off food

 

What’s the matter? Didn’t make a lick of sense?

You’re a fickle motherfucker, always on the fence

Do you want to be fed with a silver spoon?

A jar of Gerber, hope your tummy has room

 

I can’t make heads or tails of my own symbolism

I threw it all together, ‘cause I thought I had a vision

Come to think of it, I need to be spoon fed too

Open up the hangar for an airplane or two

 

Open wide like you’re taking a trip to the dentist

Here’s an infodump to overload your senses

Dumping is something you do with your ass

Any wonder why we’re stuck in a middle school class?

 

I hope I’ve got an out, because I’m on the spectrum

I know it could never be a shield or a weapon

When the C+ stares into my eyes like a demon

I don’t get mad or rich, I want to get even

 

It’s me and my madness against the world

Some authors wear pentagrams, some authors wear pearls

How do I stand out a cut above the rest?

Do better on the scan sheet bubble filling test

 

But that shit don’t work, they just laugh

They always remind you to forge your own path

When tax time comes, you got to do your own math

They put you through the wringer, leave you crawling with your fingers

 

I don’t expect the world to know what it’s like

To feel like a stranger at an open mic night

To feel like puking at the thought of being famous

Keep thumbing your nose, go ahead and shame us

Circular Firing Squad

VERSE 1

So what if the bearded horse man was a little bit saucy

To the transphobic author who excuses the Nazis

He dragged her errand girl by her pretty silk stockings

Through a pit of coals, now the cops are body-chalking

The pantyhose looks better on the bird-loving femboy

Their fans use vibrators 'til their toys ain't making noise

Lights out! Guerrilla radio!

But enjoy the infighting, ‘cause the alt-right ain’t playing, yo

 

CHORUS

A circular firing squad

Is the best way to meet God

Fighting like children who were spared the rod

If only we could tell them corporal punishment is flawed

 

VERSE 2

While you fuckers are fighting over a bowl of ramen noodles

Uncle Clarence Thomas is collecting massive boodles

But wait, the whitest of white chicks was the chef

Now you’re putting out videos on why you left the left

You were never there before, the way you shit on addicts

Leaving them to fight in prison cells to see who is the baddest

Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

That used to be us, but it’s bickering we’re selling

 

CHORUS

A circular firing squad

Is the best way to meet God

Fighting like children who were spared the rod

If only we could tell them corporal punishment is flawed

 

BRIDGE

They’re wholesome degenerates, not MAGA confederates

Step up to the plate, let’s see you do it better, bitch

You would crumble like crackers staring down the camera lens

You’ve got another eight hours until the livestream ends

 

VERSE 3

Hippie-dippie-Tippy, he’s a lover of good food

That ain’t insult comedy, your washed-up ass would get booed

Fatphobic jokes are the only kind you got

While your trad family’s roast beef is cooking in the pot

It’s not doxing if your name is in the paper

If anything, he did your cause a little bitty favor

Pistol grip pump on your lap at all times!

Let’s see if infighting turns into violent crimes

 

CHORUS

A circular firing squad

Is the best way to meet God

Fighting like children who were spared the rod

If only we could tell them corporal punishment is flawed

Get a Job

DIALOGUE

Tip? I’ve got a tip for you. Get a real job! Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!

 

VERSE 1

You could hire me as your manicurist

To do the job right, I need to bind your wrists

Paint a nice blue coat over them fingertips

Stop itching your hands, that shit’s gonna rip

Except it wasn’t nail polish, not a single drop

It’s hydrofluoric acid, watch them bubbles pop

Look at your hands! They’re good as new

About as new as my diploma mill degree, dude

 

DIALOGUE

The best kind of social program is spelled J-O-B! Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!

 

VERSE 2

You could hire me as your wife’s foot masseur

That could have been your role, but I’m much cuter

She can have a few glasses of red wine first

Wouldn’t want her to pass out from all the thirst

Put on some Michael Bolton and squirt some oil

Make her soles nice and soft, make her toes coil

She loves the feeling and it’s making her sing

And just like that, she lost her wedding ring

 

DIALOGUE

Get a job! The world doesn’t owe you a living! Hey, wait a minute…I’m all mixed up here…

 

VERSE 3

You could hire me as your personal chef

I’ll have you munching every bite until there’s nothing left

Word of advice: don’t ask for clam chowder

Unless you’ve got hemorrhoid cream and baby powder

You’ve been on the toilet for over a week

The whole damn house is starting to reek

I guess I’m entitled to some hazard pay

As your shiny red asshole rots and decays

 

DIALOGUE

That does it, boy! Your ass is fired! Why?! Because no one wants to work anymore! Hey, wait a minute…damn it, I got all mixed up again!

Love Is Blue

VERSE 1

Love is blue and so are your balls

You blew up her phone with late night calls

Pistol in your pocket, gun is in your jock

Boots on your feet, kick down doors with locks

“Where is she hiding? Who is she riding?”

That’s what you say, repeat it throughout the day

“Close your pretty eyes, I’ll give you a kiss”

It’s a kiss goodbye, because you never ever miss

 

VERSE 2

Love is blue and your ballcap is red

A true American until the day you’re dead

That day will come soon if you’re not careful

You push against progress, it’s at your own peril

Spit the word thug until your face is like your hat

Rosy red cheeks, it’s as simple as that

Try not to pop a vessel in your one brain cell

You think Jesus is waiting, but you’re down in hell

 

VERSE 3

Love is blue and your pills are black

Sell yourself to chicks like you’re money in the sack

They don’t swipe right, but you vote in that direction

Because the word no has deflated your erection

Which yoga studio do you want to shoot up?

They’re all easy pickings, shooting fish in a cup

The world will know your name and never forget it

Until the admins crack down on 4Chan and Reddit

 

VERSE 4

Love is blue and it’s no other color

You’re held in her arms like a baby with a mother

She strokes your hair in this moment you share

But it’s all a male fantasy, you’re so unaware

Women don’t owe you a goddamn thing

You’re lower than concrete, you think you’re the king

It didn’t have to be this way one iota

But you’ve got a colder heart than snow in Minnesota

Chest Milk

(In the style of “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred)

 

VERSE 1

He’s a right-wing billionaire

And he just doesn’t care

If he stinks up your air

He’s a red-pilled alpha male

Who never goes to jail

SA victims were failed

And he deadnamed his own daughter

And led her to the slaughter

While his mistress broke her water

 

CHORUS

He’s a model and he wants his bottle

But not whiskey or beer, just some chest milk

He wants some chest milk

He wants some chest milk, yeah

He’s sad because I didn’t call it breast milk

 

VERSE 2

He’s a funny, funny guy

Who wants to make them cry

When they’re bored, he asks, “Why, oh, why?!”

And he drives a cyber truck

And he don’t give a fuck

‘Cause he’s gotten by on luck

 

CHORUS

He’s a model and he wants his bottle

But not whiskey or beer, just some chest milk

He wants some chest milk

He wants some chest milk, yeah

He’s sad because I didn’t call it breast milk

 

VERSE 3

And he outlawed the word cis

And his fans gave him a kiss

On the organ that goes “piss”

 

CHORUS

He’s a model and he wants his bottle

But not whiskey or beer, just some chest milk

He wants some chest milk

He wants some chest milk, yeah

He’s sad because I didn’t call it breast milk

 

VERSE 4

And he bought the birdie app

And it’s a piece of crap

‘Cause it’s for slurs and faps

He, he bought the birdie app

A rage-a-holic trap

For those about to snap

Swipe left, not worth a single tap

You're Too Old to Rule the World

CHORUS

Of course you never wanted to improve society

Never been so stressed that you questioned sobriety

Got sick at others’ happiness, you had to hurl

You’re too old to rule the world!

 

VERSE 1

You shit on my youth, yet every woman is your mother

Kick your kids out the door, yet you want to be smothered

The room in your nursing home is like a prison cell

Because the family you fucked wishes you were in hell

 

CHORUS

Of course you never wanted to improve society

Never been so stressed that you questioned sobriety

Got sick at others’ happiness, you had to hurl

You’re too old to rule the world!

 

VERSE 2

The world is a different place than centuries ago

If you studied history, then you already know

That we can’t go back to the days of torture

The only personality traits were following orders

You yearn for the past, because you would have thrived

In a country where the have-nots could be unalived

For looking at you funny or saying hi to your honey

For even dreaming of the days of disposable money

 

CHORUS

Of course you never wanted to improve society

Never been so stressed that you questioned sobriety

Got sick at others’ happiness, you had to hurl

You’re too old to rule the world!

 

BRIDGE

It was never about gray hair or sagging tits and skin

It was about all the good shit you considered a sin

If someone smiles too much or gets the love bug

You choke the life out of them with a grip so snug

You do it long enough and you become so smug

‘Cause bigotry and rage are more addictive than a drug

Get a little bit of power and you stomp on all the flowers

We’re keeping our bladders full for your final hour

 

OUTRO

You’re too old to rule the world!

Keep your country’s flag all furled!

You’re too old to fuck the young!

That’s why these lyrics must be sung!

The One

VERSE 1

“Surf the internet in incognito mode?

You’re on your way to hell, a lonely road

Pray to god and take your ginkgo biloba

Stop drinking every bottle of diet soda”

Your medical advice must be so nice

For those on a diet of crackers of rice

You care so much if I’m seduced and enticed

By the ladies on the screen who bring the spice

 

PRE-CHORUS

Since you’re so emotionally invested

Here’s a little challenge so unexpected

 

CHORUS 1

Find me! The one who cares

Find me! The one who stares

At me with pretty eyes

Makes my spirit rise, destroys your lies

Find me! The one who cares

Find me! The one who shares

Her bed with me tonight

It’s a trick question, just admit I’m right

 

VERSE 2

“Yo, bro! Just swallow these red pills

Watch some UFC, get those bloody thrills

Don’t simp for nobody, go get yourself laid

It doesn’t count if your lover gets paid”

I’ve never seen so many SWERFS in one whole place

Who never gave a woman her own O-face

That’s okay, I haven’t done that myself

So I’m jerking it raw for my mental health

 

PRE-CHORUS

Since you’re so emotionally invested

Here’s a little challenge so unexpected

 

CHORUS 1

Find me! The one who cares

Find me! The one who stares

At me with pretty eyes

Makes my spirit rise, destroys your lies

Find me! The one who cares

Find me! The one who shares

Her bed with me tonight

It’s a trick question, just admit I’m right

 

VERSE 3

“Your computer’s slowing down, are you watching corn?

There must be other ways to keep your dick warm

Go touch some grass and then go get some ass

Here’s your invoice for the day, credit or cash?”

Five hundred bucks? Who’s got that kind of money?

I could have spent it in The Land of Milk and Honey

Oh wait, you’re one of them Elon Musk tech bros

Is that why you’ve got brown stains on your nose?

 

CHORUS 2

Oh well! It feels like no one cares

Oh well! It feels like no one wears

Every little hat I’ve got

You couldn’t walk in my shoes, couldn’t take my spot

Oh well! It feels like no one cares

Oh well! It feels so unfair

And now I sound just like a guy

With a microphone and a podcast, why?

Gone

“Don’t fall in love with strangers on the internet

Even though their beauty is impossible to forget

There are real life girls who’d love to take you to bed”

It’s the world’s shortest line, because they’re all gone

 

“Don’t spend all your time watching You Tube clips

While you’re munching down on a bag of cheesy chips

There’s so much cinema, characters you want to ship”

There’s just one problem, the best of them are gone

 

“Stop laying in bed when there’s so much to create

Never mind that the discourse is covered in hate

You can counter it with love, why would you want to wait?”

I’ll tell you why: because the good ones are gone

 

“Mother Nature is the very best antidepressant

The cost is cheap for every working-class peasant

You can feed the squirrels, sing with the pheasants”

It’s too hot outside, because the ozone is gone

 

“Get yourself a car, show off your convertible

Get yourself a job, get paid to be serviceable

Buy all the shit you want, stack it high and vertical”

Where are all the good bosses? Oh wait, they’re gone

 

Just gone! Gone! Gone without a trace!

A shitshow of a world is what came in its place

I’ve never seen a broken spirit with a happy face

It’s camouflage for authenticity they want to erase

 

“Can’t we all just get along?” Fuck no, we can’t!

Not as long as we’re repeating the same racist chant

Not as long as the elite cuts us off at the knees

And brainwashes everyone with the greatest of ease

 

Gone! Gone! Gone without a trace!

All You Want Is More

VERSE 1

It might be a shocker to those unaware

But not all my dark secrets are fit to air

On TV, radio, or the good old Tubes of You

In between advertisements of whiskey and brew

Did I really do that to an old classmate?

Did I joke about submissives like a sick reprobate?

Did I do it on the bird app that I won’t call X?

Do I got a one-track mind preoccupied with sex?

 

CHORUS 1

I gave you my pain and all you want is more

I gave you my tears and all you want is more

Ripped open old wounds and all you want is more

Deets and dates, all you want is more!

 

VERSE 2

I crucified myself for an audience of many

I did it all for free, didn’t earn a single penny

The riches and bitches are for the anchors at five

Trust me when I say, they won’t call me “unalive”

 

CHORUS 1

I gave you my pain and all you want is more

I gave you my tears and all you want is more

Ripped open old wounds and all you want is more

Deets and dates, all you want is more!

 

BRIDGE

The conversation has long since run its course

Yet it happens again and you’ve got no remorse

Let the words of the greedy die a bloody death

It’s nosy at worst, concern trolling at best

 

VERSE 3

None of you got nothing to be nervous about

I was never suicidal, shouldn’t be in doubt

Even if the whole world takes turns fucking me

I’m alive for it all even when I fucking bleed

No gulag on earth will break me down

No reeducation camp will knock off my crown

I’m the king of my life, the god of my mind

My body’s made of meat, but it’s an axe I grind

 

CHORUS 2

I’ll give you my fist, do you want some more?

I’ll give you my bullet, do you want some more?

I’ll give you my blade, do you want some more?

Dicks and tricks, I hope you’re ready for more!

Make a Wish on a Star

CHORUS

Make a wish on a star

For an unbreakable heart

For an indominable soul

An irreplaceable role

Make a wish on a star

Leave things better than they are

Smash the Status Quo

Until utopia’s all we know

 

VERSE 1

If wishes were fishes, the world would be an ocean

Masturbatory fantasies, the river’s made of lotion

Problems don’t just go away because of magic spells

Not one person in this life can save the world by themself

There’s strength in numbers, especially in bank accounts

Abusing all the power for an even larger amount

No one has the energy and no one has the solution

We’re stuck in our depression and worldwide pollution

 

CHORUS

Make a wish on a star

For an unbreakable heart

For an indominable soul

An irreplaceable role

Make a wish on a star

Leave things better than they are

Smash the Status Quo

Until utopia’s all we know

 

VERSE 2

We march until our shoes are worn and torn to shreds

And then we wake up in a metal prison bed

Or a hospital with one hand cuffed to the rail

It was like this all along, we were set up to fail

 

CHORUS

Make a wish on a star

For an unbreakable heart

For an indominable soul

An irreplaceable role

Make a wish on a star

Leave things better than they are

Smash the Status Quo

Until utopia’s all we know

 

BRIDGE

The only star worth wishing on is one that will crash

On corporate buildings, capitols, smash them into trash

Yachts and private jets, no, we’re not done just yet

From the river to the sea is a promise, not a threat

 

OUTRO

Make a wish on a star!

Make a wish on a star!

Make a wish on a star!

Let’s take shit too far!

One Million Murderers

VERSE 1

Some people kill for a living

It’s the only contribution they’re giving

Some people kill because it’s fun

To call transgender daughters sons

Some people kill for their belief

That the world is populated by thieves

Some people kill with their words

The most racist shit you’ve ever heard

 

CHORUS

What’s the difference between trolls and serial killers?

Nothing! Nothing!

What’s the difference between Red and Black Pillers?

Not a goddamn thing!

What’s the difference between a bigot and a bully?

Not a whole lot that I can see!

What’s the difference when everybody’s hurting her?

All I see is one million murderers!

 

VERSE 2

Keyboard Kung Fu isn’t a real martial art

But with a gun in your hand, it’s not a bad start

A You Tube hit piece isn’t cinematic heaven

You did no research, what are you, in grade seven?

Pizza Bombing never leveled Hiroshima

You’re just a walking disaster, someone call FEMA

A birth certificate isn’t a flag worth flying

Instead of doxing, try boxing, fists up, stop crying

 

CHORUS

What’s the difference between trolls and serial killers?

Nothing! Nothing!

What’s the difference between Red and Black Pillers?

Not a goddamn thing!

What’s the difference between a bigot and a bully?

Not a whole lot that I can see!

What’s the difference when everybody’s hurting her?

All I see is one million murderers!

 

BRIDGE

Lez-be honest, you fell in love with her

Masturbation fantasies were all a blur

You want her to blow, but she said no

Pull the trigger, dick gets bigger, and then call her a ho

 

CHORUS

What’s the difference between trolls and serial killers?

Nothing! Nothing!

What’s the difference between Red and Black Pillers?

Not a goddamn thing!

What’s the difference between a bigot and a bully?

Not a whole lot that I can see!

What’s the difference when everybody’s hurting her?

All I see is one million murderers!

Dump and Dip

VERSE 1

My mom’s ex-boyfriend was a son of a bitch

Gave me lots of mental wounds, ripped open every stitch

Fatphobia and psychophobia

Any flavor of bigotry, the worst and the odious

Never mind the fact that he weighed more than me

And he’s got his own version of PTSD

The cycle of abuse passed the Boomer generation

The chain breaks here, I deserved the vacation

 

CHORUS

Got no time to process, keep your handsome proboscis

Out of my business, ‘cause you bear false witness

Won’t spend a single day in Sad People Jail

A.k.a. the psych ward, that’s where justice goes to fail

 

VERSE 2

When I was in prison a.k.a. high school

Those conservative batshits were so easy to fool

Spread a rumor about me dating a monster

Fuck anything that walks, I’m a sexual imposter

That shit wasn’t true and I screamed it ‘til I’m blue

Punching and kicking was the only thing to do

That’s where I learned to solve problems with violence

But since it’s illegal, I’m confined to my silence

 

CHORUS

Got no time to process, keep your handsome proboscis

Out of my business, ‘cause you bear false witness

Won’t spend a single day in Sad People Jail

A.k.a. the psych ward, that’s where justice goes to fail

 

VERSE 3

College was the time for partying and drugs

Limerence was my addiction, falsified hugs

Crushes on musicians and actresses

Took the place of real life, ‘cause I drew no attractions

A million pounds and a resting bitch face

Made me a pariah no matter what the place

No friends, no lovers, no teachers turned besties

Still limerent today, in my mind and in my testies

 

CHORUS

Got no time to process, keep your handsome proboscis

Out of my business, ‘cause you bear false witness

Won’t spend a single day in Sad People Jail

A.k.a. the psych ward, that’s where justice goes to fail

 

VERSE 4

I call it Dump and Dip because I don’t like to talk

About personal shit, got no choice but to walk

Can’t let them see my cry or overprotect me

No nurses for me, don’t even bother to inject me

With the world’s most powerful sedative juice

That could TKO a whale, double KO a moose

My freedom means more than an orderly’s pay

My individuality is here to fucking stay

 

CHORUS

Got no time to process, keep your handsome proboscis

Out of my business, ‘cause you bear false witness

Won’t spend a single day in Sad People Jail

A.k.a. the psych ward, that’s where justice goes to fail

Written By a Man

VERSE 1

I got no experience, so I got no soul

Not enough broken bones, not enough bullet holes

Not enough time spent behind steel bars

Not enough time trapped in subway cars

So I do my very best to pass the Bechdel Test

But my only point of reference is The Man Show and Wrestle Fest

I got a pile of mistakes higher than a bird’s nest

Learn my lessons from some, set fire to the rest

 

CHORUS

Manic chick from a magical land

Written by a man

Did I write it with one hand?

Written by a man

Manic chick from a magical land

Written by a man

Did I write it with one hand?

Written by a man

 

VERSE 2

I got no girl who could be my whole world

But it ain’t her job to launch me to the top

I got to pull myself out of this water slide pipeline

I got to be more than just a cishet white guy

I got to find out what the fuck is going on

Why the fuck is my maturity taking so long?

They call me late bloomer, ‘cause it couldn’t happen sooner

Got some gray in my hair, now they call me a gooner

 

CHORUS

Manic chick from a magical land

Written by a man

Did I write it with one hand?

Written by a man

Manic chick from a magical land

Written by a man

Did I write it with one hand?

Written by a man

 

VERSE 3

I got no baggage I can actually unpack

So I’m stuck in murder mode, ready to attack

It’s easy to blame the one who screams the most

Especially when she’s dead and floating like a ghost

I’ll get my shit together if it takes me forever

I don’t have to be an angel, I just have to be better

A lifelong process, because learning never ends

When you got no ego, you got nothing to defend

 

BRIDGE

Damn right this book was written by a man

Started as a fan who believed that I can

You’re not competition, I hope we all win

The new world is here, let the story begin