Conditioned to Ignore Me

VERSE 1

The Clockwork Orange magic spell

Gave you a brainwashed story to tell

Conditioned to ignore me no matter what

Whether I hurt inside or have a deeper cut

I could burn a building to the ground

Or I could rescue an abused hound

Optimist, pessimist, who gives a fuck?

If it’s a cry for help, I’m shit out of luck

CHORUS

Conditioned to ignore me

Because you find me boring

Because I’m down on my knees

Begging for me to finally be seen

VERSE 2

Pavlov’s sorcery has got you by the balls

Conditioned to laugh whenever I fall

Conditioned to walk right past me

Conditioned to low-key blast me

It’s meat paste and the bell once again

Making drooling slaves out of good friends

I could burn the world or buy you pearls

Who’d give a fuck? Any boy or girl?

CHORUS

Conditioned to ignore me

Because you find me boring

Because I’m down on my knees

Begging for me to finally be seen

VERSE 3

I could hack the biggest computer database

I could kiss my kitty on his fuzzy little face

I could ride a nuclear missile like a horsy

I could pet every Labrador and every Corgi

Your conditioned response is still the same

To forget that I exist or that I have a name

Who put this spell on your pretty little head?

Who was the one who wished your soul dead?

EXTENDED CHORUS

Conditioned to ignore me

Because you find me boring

Because I’m down on my knees

Begging for me to finally be seen

Conditioned to reject me

Chew me up then digest me

Because I can’t scream loud enough

Somebody else already has it rough

"MAD About Trump" from MAD Magazine

BOOK TITLE: MAD About Trump: A Brilliant Look at Our Brainless President

AUTHOR: MAD Magazine Staff

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Magazine Compilation

SUBGENRE: Political Comedy

GRADE: Pass

If you thought Donald Trump’s thin-skinned responses towards SNL skits were childish, I’d love to see how he’d respond to MAD Magazine roasting him like a turkey in this book. I for one got a good laugh out of most of these jokes. Comparing and contrasting him to Burger King’s Cheetoh Fries seemed like the most obvious joke to make, but technically they’re not wrong, especially when they say both Trump and the cheese fries are disgusting dinner conversation topics. There’s a parody of John Lennon’s “Imagine”, a parody of The Apprentice with dead celebrities, a parody of Undercover Boss with Trump as the CEO, basically, there’s no shortage of ways to make Donald Trump look like a complete fool, though he does most of that to himself. If I had one critique from a writing standpoint, it’s that some of the jokes are repetitive and can get stale after a while. Plus, name-calling by itself isn’t necessarily a recipe for comedy. But it doesn’t matter, because whether you’re looking for laughs or you want validation for your hatred of Trump, you’ll get it in this book. Conservatives, on the other hand, would have a raging fit if they saw this, but that’s not always a lethal thing. Don’t feel ashamed for buying this book and enjoying it from cover to cover. If laughing is all you can do to keep from smashing your hotel room Pink Floyd the Wall-style, then I’m all for it. And speaking of which, Roger Waters from Pink Floyd is the only one who’s allowed to build a wall around here. A passing grade goes to this publication!

Right Here Right Now

VERSE 1

Get your ass out of bed

You ain’t fucking dead

You just want to pretend

You’re at the contract’s end

I will sue your tired ass

If you don’t get your act

Together right this minute

This fight? You can’t win it

CHORUS

Right here! Right now!

Next show! Next town!

You were born for greatness!

So I won’t accept your lateness!

VERSE 2

Chug that can of Red Bull

Until your bladder’s full

Pop those bitter pills

They help pay the bills

Sign your autographs

Share a few horse laughs

They’re your fucking fans

Treat them like your clan

EXTENDED CHORUS 1

Right here! Right now!

Next show! Next town!

You were born for greatness!

So I won’t accept your lateness!

Right here! Right now!

All smiles! No frowns!

I won’t accept mediocrity!

Or this will end in tragedy!

VERSE 3

Do it for the exposure

As you find some closure

With your corporate deal

Your pie in the sky meal

You’re stretched so thin

It’s almost like a sin

How we treat our staff

It’s all just for a laugh

EXTENDED CHORUS 2

Right here! Right now!

Next show! Next town!

You were born for greatness!

So I won’t accept your lateness!

Right here! Right now!

Make me rich! Make me proud!

You can rest when you’re dead!

But you’ll still be in my debt!

"Preacher, Vol. 8: All Hell's a-Coming" by Garth Ennis

BOOK TITLE: Preacher, Vol. 8: All Hell’s A-Coming

AUTHOR: Garth Ennis

YEAR: 1999

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Horror

GRADE: Pass

After six months of drug-induced sex with Cassidy, Tulip O’Haire escapes the devious vampire’s clutches and reunites with the one she truly loves, Reverend Jesse Custer. The two of them clear up their misunderstandings and their relationship becomes stronger for it. Now all that’s left is for Jesse to ask around town about how dark of a past Cassidy truly has. Meanwhile, the Grail still have plans to assassinate Jesse. Plus, a certain disfigured recording artist faces backlash for his “controversial” messages. All of this will come to a head in the ninth and final installment of Preacher. But for now, enjoy this violent appetizer.

When I first started reading this volume, I expected it to suffer from the same problems as its seventh predecessor. I thought it was going to be yet another hackneyed drama with all of the “good stuff” conveniently left out. By the time I got to the horsemeat storyline, I was proven dead wrong. In fact, the way those horses were butchered wasn’t at all “deliciously violent”. It was downright disturbing. While I never like to see animals treated in that way, I do appreciate being unsettled and uncomfortable during a series that prided itself on offensive content. The horse butchers were the villains of that storyline, so watching them get their rightful beatings was well worth the discomfort.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t appreciate the dramatic aspects of this graphic novel. On the contrary, I loved seeing Jesse and Tulip back together again. Not only is their romance a healthy one, but they’re also equal when it comes to beating up the bad guys. They’re both good with guns, they’re both vicious brawlers, and they both do their fair share of rescuing each other. It makes Cassidy look even more disgusting when you realize just what kind of a person he really is. He tried to keep Tulip for himself, but Tulip saw right through the lies and put a bullet through his chest. She’s a keeper, but only for Jesse Custer.

Speaking of our dear friend Cassidy, the way his acquaintances describe him to Jesse is another part of the Preacher series that could be considered disturbing. For the first few editions, he was a fun-loving friend who’d never stab his friends in the back. In this edition, he’s described as a selfish jerk who disrespects women, spends money on drugs, and has no room in his heart for love. I hated Cassidy so much after hearing this that I wanted Jesse to exact his revenge right then and there. But that’s what makes Cassidy such a convincing shades-of-gray villain: he can manipulate his way out of any dangerous situation. He’s the kind of creep you’d see on Dr. Phil’s show. Or Jerry Springer’s show, either one would be fine.

All in all, this was a fun little comic book even though it didn’t have nearly as many of the screwed up moments as its predecessors. I have a feeling we’ll get more of those in the final volume. For what it’s worth, I’m looking forward to that final volume. Will Jesse finally put God in his place? Will Cassidy get the comeuppance he deserves? Will the Grail finally assassinate Jesse in a nuclear fallout showdown? What will become of Tulip if she loses her boyfriend again? I legitimately want to know the answers to these questions and this graphic novel put me in that mood. Another passing grade for you, Garth Ennis!

Not Worth the Pain

CHORUS

You’re not worth the pain

I’ve got nothing to gain

From watching you walk away

You’re not worth the trauma

You’re not worth the drama

Tomorrow’s yet another day

VERSE 1

What makes you worthy of my crowded mind?

What makes you worthy of my precious time?

Anybody can wear the shortest of dresses

Anybody can rock the hottest of messes

But only you can break another man down

Get your entertainment from watching me drown

Goodbye, my friend, for now and forever

I wish you the best in your future endeavors

CHORUS

You’re not worth the pain

I’ve got nothing to gain

From watching you walk away

You’re not worth the trauma

You’re not worth the drama

Tomorrow’s yet another day

VERSE 2

I’ve got enough pain in my oversized heart

And you were hardly the end or the start

I’m a sucker for only the tightest of hugs

It’s kind of like being high on opium drugs

Fool me once and the shame goes on you

Fool me twice and it’s really nothing new

I’ve got to kick this habit sometime soon

Before I get locked up like a loony toon

CHORUS

You’re not worth the pain

I’ve got nothing to gain

From watching you walk away

You’re not worth the trauma

You’re not worth the drama

Tomorrow’s yet another day

VERSE 3

Why do I keep on doing this to myself?

Why do I keep on compromising my health?

Why do I form these unhealthy crushes?

Why do I use friendship as my crutches?

Why do you keep coming back in my life?

Why do you keep on twisting the knife?

Why do you keep on breaking my heart?

Why do you like to tear my life apart?

BRIDGE

Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it!

You’re not worth the pain!

Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it!

You’re not worth the shame!

Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it!

You’re not worth the sadness!

Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it!

You’re not worth the madness!

Kicking Me While I'm Down

VERSE 1

Cheap shot, money shot, what’s the difference?

They both chip away at someone’s innocence

Brick by brick, my foundation crumbles down

The rubble on my carcass weighs a million pounds

Even when life itself has passed me the fuck by

I keep asking myself again what’s the reason why?

Why are these steel toed boots kicking my ribs?

Why is negativity all these fuckers have to give?

CHORUS 1

You’re kicking me while I’m down!

In the head! In the balls!

You’re kicking me while I’m down!

It’s funny as shit when I slip and fall!

VERSE 2

One final pulse beats through my broken body

Yet none of you clowns have found a new hobby

Kicking me around like you own the damn town

And here I thought this ended after the final round

CHORUS 2

You’re kicking me while I’m down!

In the teeth! In the ass!

You’re kicking me while I’m down!

You’ve got no soul! You’ve got no class!

BRIDGE

Maybe if I pull myself up by the bootstraps

Walk a hundred more miles to fill the gaps

Stretch myself a little thinner every day

You’d kick me when I’m down anyway

CHORUS 3

You’re kicking me while I’m down!

In the jaw! In the gut!

You’re kicking me while I’m down!

Giving me bruises! Opening cuts!

You’re kicking me while I’m down!

In the shins! In the ribs!

You’re kicking me while I’m down!

If I’m going to hell, I’m taking you with!

Coffin Crusher

VERSE 1

Wake up from the underground

Casket makes a creaking sound

Time to hunt some fuckers down

Make the Spirits of Evil proud

Step up to the hulking mummy

You ain’t got a chance, sonny

Rip the lining from your tummy

Sell your hide for big ass money

CHORUS

Coffin Crusher! X4

VERSE 2

Let’s all do the dance of death

Psychotic spirits in our heads

We all know how we’ll die

Rotten fist between the eyes

Brains turned to sloshing shit

Hearts roasting on a stick

Flesh ripped up like love letters

Viscous blood tastes much better

CHORUS

Coffin Crusher! X4

VERSE 3

The one-man killing machine

Left behind a genocidal scene

Rivers of blood down his throat

Oceans of tears, where’s the boat?

Mountains of flesh masticated

Hollow corpses exsanguinated

A meal fit for the gods themselves

Bon appetite, see you all in hell

CHORUS

Coffin Crusher! X4

FINAL VERSE

Back to the casket for a deep sleep

Pray the devil your soul to keep

If you die before you awaken

Know that you have been forsaken

CHORUS

Coffin Crusher! X4