"Preacher, Vol. 8: All Hell's a-Coming" by Garth Ennis

BOOK TITLE: Preacher, Vol. 8: All Hell’s A-Coming

AUTHOR: Garth Ennis

YEAR: 1999

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Horror

GRADE: Pass

After six months of drug-induced sex with Cassidy, Tulip O’Haire escapes the devious vampire’s clutches and reunites with the one she truly loves, Reverend Jesse Custer. The two of them clear up their misunderstandings and their relationship becomes stronger for it. Now all that’s left is for Jesse to ask around town about how dark of a past Cassidy truly has. Meanwhile, the Grail still have plans to assassinate Jesse. Plus, a certain disfigured recording artist faces backlash for his “controversial” messages. All of this will come to a head in the ninth and final installment of Preacher. But for now, enjoy this violent appetizer.

When I first started reading this volume, I expected it to suffer from the same problems as its seventh predecessor. I thought it was going to be yet another hackneyed drama with all of the “good stuff” conveniently left out. By the time I got to the horsemeat storyline, I was proven dead wrong. In fact, the way those horses were butchered wasn’t at all “deliciously violent”. It was downright disturbing. While I never like to see animals treated in that way, I do appreciate being unsettled and uncomfortable during a series that prided itself on offensive content. The horse butchers were the villains of that storyline, so watching them get their rightful beatings was well worth the discomfort.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t appreciate the dramatic aspects of this graphic novel. On the contrary, I loved seeing Jesse and Tulip back together again. Not only is their romance a healthy one, but they’re also equal when it comes to beating up the bad guys. They’re both good with guns, they’re both vicious brawlers, and they both do their fair share of rescuing each other. It makes Cassidy look even more disgusting when you realize just what kind of a person he really is. He tried to keep Tulip for himself, but Tulip saw right through the lies and put a bullet through his chest. She’s a keeper, but only for Jesse Custer.

Speaking of our dear friend Cassidy, the way his acquaintances describe him to Jesse is another part of the Preacher series that could be considered disturbing. For the first few editions, he was a fun-loving friend who’d never stab his friends in the back. In this edition, he’s described as a selfish jerk who disrespects women, spends money on drugs, and has no room in his heart for love. I hated Cassidy so much after hearing this that I wanted Jesse to exact his revenge right then and there. But that’s what makes Cassidy such a convincing shades-of-gray villain: he can manipulate his way out of any dangerous situation. He’s the kind of creep you’d see on Dr. Phil’s show. Or Jerry Springer’s show, either one would be fine.

All in all, this was a fun little comic book even though it didn’t have nearly as many of the screwed up moments as its predecessors. I have a feeling we’ll get more of those in the final volume. For what it’s worth, I’m looking forward to that final volume. Will Jesse finally put God in his place? Will Cassidy get the comeuppance he deserves? Will the Grail finally assassinate Jesse in a nuclear fallout showdown? What will become of Tulip if she loses her boyfriend again? I legitimately want to know the answers to these questions and this graphic novel put me in that mood. Another passing grade for you, Garth Ennis!

"Preacher, Vol. 5: Dixie Fried" by Garth Ennis

BOOK TITLE: Preacher, Vol. 5: Dixie Fried

AUTHOR: Garth Ennis

YEAR: 1998

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Horror

GRADE: Pass

Reverend Jesse Custer, Tulip, and Cassidy venture down to New Orleans to seek help from a voodoo priest. Jesse wants to access the supernatural power within him in an attempt to find God and make him pay for turning the world into a bloody mess. It just so happened to slip Cassidy’s mind that a den of vampires want revenge on him for what the Irishman did to their master several years ago. Graphic violence is the name of the game for these characters and anybody would be lucky to make it out of this story alive, let alone without any gushing injuries.

As someone who never hits on women, I enjoyed the subplot where Cassidy drunkenly confesses his love for Tulip despite the fact that she’s loyal to Jesse instead. Alcohol or not, it paints Cassidy as a shady pervert who could be easily ousted to Jesse for what he did. The idea that this is even a secret is enough to make me want to read more. You know sooner or later the secret might come out. When it does, a whole powder keg of emotions will destroy the otherwise solid friendship between Cassidy and Jesse. Does the secret actually come out in this volume or will it be saved for a later issue? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess you’ll never know, because I don’t give spoilers beyond the basic synopsis.

Another thing I like about this issue of Preacher is the wisecracking dialogue peppered throughout. Yes, it’s raunchy and vulgar, but the author can write the dialogue without coming off as a teenager trying to be edgy. I would advise my writer friends not to try and duplicate what Garth Ennis has written. Coming from his pen, the dialogue is gritty and rough. Coming from anybody less experienced, it sounds sloppy and awkward. I don’t want to give away any of the dialogue in this review lest I break the PG barrier. Yep. It’s that dirty…and I love it!

And of course, where would the Preacher series be without the delicious violence to go with all of this nasty dialogue? Decapitations, mutilations, gunshot wounds, sex-themed attacks, and vampires burning in the sunlight: what lovely guilty pleasures! But the violence isn’t superficial at all. There’s a deeper plot beneath it all and none of that gets lost in the shuffle. We’re talking about a minister on a revenge mission against God himself. Of course there’s going to be some wild and wacky violence. Of course there’s going to be some three-dimensional storytelling. If all you wanted was violence alone, you could just watch a UFC pay-per-view. Word of advice, Dana White: don’t allow Jesse Custer on any one of your cards. While we’re at it, let’s keep Cassidy and Tulip away from the cage as well.

The fifth volume of Preacher is a satisfying read that makes me want to finish the series. I must know what happens with Cassidy’s secret. I must enjoy more crass language and violence. I must see what happens when Jesse finally confronts God for a battle of epic proportions. A passing grade will go to this exciting graphic novel!

"No Cure for Cancer" by Denis Leary

BOOK TITLE: No Cure for Cancer

AUTHOR: Denis Leary

YEAR: 1992

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: Comedy Routine

GRADE: Pass

With a raging wit as fiery as his lit cigarettes, Denis Leary unleashes his comic venom on a variety of topics whether it’s political correctness, war, drugs, alcohol, meat, or his own life experiences. Nobody is safe from his silver tongue and no topic is off limits. If comedy could kill, he’d have a higher body count than Henry Lee Lucas. Hell, he might already be able to pull that off with the clouds of smoke he spews into the theater. Lung cancer doesn’t faze him and nor do sensitive opinions. He’s not leaving the theater until he gets a tumor-sized load off of his chest.

In many ways, Denis Leary reminds me a lot of late-eighties, early-nineties George Carlin. They both have angry, rapid fire deliveries. They can make humor out of even the most dismal topics. They have a non-binary political agenda. Let’s not forget the most important part of this comparison: Denis Leary and George Carlin are both funny as hell. Yes, I do realize that Mr. Leary’s politically incorrect sense of humor might not survive in this day and age, but that’s exactly why it’s important for readers to delve into this book with an open mind. As long as you’re laughing, that’s all that matters. And damn, did I laugh my head off!

It would be nearly impossible for me to list off all of the jokes I found hilarious in this book, because there are so many of them. I don’t even want to give away samples of jokes, because I don’t do spoilers. But think about this for a minute: when you have a viciously angry chain-smoker onstage with an alcoholic buzz ranting and raving about sensitive topics, you know it’s going to be something special. He’s not being politically incorrect just for the hell of it either; he actually has substance to go with his style. Everything he says means something whether you agree with it or not. But even if you don’t agree with some of his talking points, you’re going to laugh anyways even if he has to die trying (which he probably will, given how much he smokes and drinks).

If it isn’t obvious by the end of the story, then there is one thing you and Denis will definitely agree on: live every day like it’s the last. You want that big ass hamburger with five patties and god knows how much cheese? Eat it! You want that energy drink that will taste like sweet tarts but feel like heart attack hell? Drink it! Cross things off your bucket list despite the fact that you’re not even close to the end yet. Hell, you might even be closer than you think, especially if you live in a fun and exciting place like New York, Denis Leary’s home state. Don’t let life pass you by. Enjoy it! Relax! Take a chance!

I’ll admit that I haven’t seen a whole lot of Denis Leary outside of “Rescue Me”, “Demolition Man”, and “Why We Suck”, but this book is a damn good introduction into what he’s really all about. Now that I’ve read the book, I’d like to see this routine performed live. I could probably hunt it down on You Tube or some other movie streaming service. I hope I laugh just as loudly as I did when I read the damn book! A passing grade will go to Denis Leary and his fiery brand of humor!

"The Blade Itself" by Marcus Sakey

BOOK TITLE: The Blade Itself

AUTHOR: Marcus Sakey

YEAR: 2007

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Crime Drama

GRADE: Pass

Seven years ago in the darkest parts of Chicago, Irish thugs Danny Carter and Evan McGann attempt to rob a pawn shop only to get caught by the owner. Evan murders the owner in cold blood while Danny runs away from the scene to avoid getting arrested. Evan takes the fall and winds up in a maximum-security jail. Fast forward to the present day and Danny has a new life for himself: a construction job, a beautiful girlfriend, and cozy living arrangements. When Evan gets out of jail for “good behavior”, he begins stalking Danny and muscling him into doing one more job at the threat of killing his loved ones. Danny wants to keep his normal life, but knows that he’s running out of options when it comes to helping Evan get one last score.

In order to get as good as he is at writing crime fiction, Marcus Sakey shadowed police detectives and conducted his research up close. The effort put into such research is evident in “The Blade Itself”. Mr. Sakey knows all of the angles and limitations a criminal or cop has to go through just to get by. He knows when it’s appropriate to do one thing and when it’s best just to hang back. As he states multiple times in the story, this isn’t like a cop drama on TV. There are no easy solutions in the criminal underworld. Danny Carter constantly finds himself getting trapped in his situation with Evan and is desperate to try anything. He can’t go to the cops, he can’t confront Evan himself, and he can’t rely on anyone else to help him. Danny is truly on his own and he’s going to need every bit of street smarts to get himself out of this mess. The sense of impending doom is every bit as realistic as it is genius storytelling.

Let’s talk about Evan McGann for a minute. His characterization as a hardened criminal with bulging muscles, a swift mind, and nasty dialogue is legitimately terrifying to think about. The way he talks about “prison queers” is unsettling, especially considering he breaks into Danny’s apartment uninvited and tells him all about it. Evan truly has all of the cards in this game whether it’s political leverage or physical brutality. That makes him a main villain to be taken seriously. One wrong move around him could mean one more dead body to leave in his wake. He’s not just a big bulky guy with Golden Gloves experience: Evan McGann is a psychopathic monster. He keeps his cool while terrorizing Danny and his loved ones; that makes him even scarier than he needs to be.

Lastly, I’d like to talk about the writing style Marcus Sakey employs. Yes, the story moves at a brisk pace, but he still takes the time to be as descriptive as possible. Every punch to the ribs, every psychological trauma, every sour feeling in Danny’s stomach, the reader feels all of that while getting treated to street smart and vulgar dialogue. There’s even one time in the book where Marcus refers to Evan as “The Architect of Danny’s sorrow.” There’s another time where Mr. Sakey refers to Danny as “The Engineer of his boss’s suffering”. The author doesn’t overdo it with these wonderful descriptions, but it’s just enough to keep the reader imprisoned in this violent and frightening world, much like the way Evan McGann was imprisoned in a maximum-security jail for seven centuries, I mean, seven years.

The Blade Itself is realistic, crafty, violent, and smoothly-paced. There’s not a whole lot more you could ask for in a wonderfully-written book like this. Nothing seems out of place, no stone is left unturned, and no death or assault will be in vain, neither will the tears shed nor the trauma experienced from those violent acts. Danny is an imperfect hero, Evan is a smothering villain, and everybody else’s lives are placed in both of their hands, for better or worse. A passing grade shall go to this awesomely-crafted piece of crime fiction that keeps you guessing what’ll happen and reaching for solutions until the end.

"Red Blood, White Knuckles, Blue Heart" by Garrison Kelly

All of this reading of quick novels had to lead somewhere. For me, it lead to me publishing my first book on Lulu.com under the penname Garrison Kelly. It’s an anthology of my best work called “Red Blood, White Knuckles, Blue Heart”. You’re probably wondering why I chose to publish under a penname instead of Garrison Haines-Temons. It has nothing to do with my need for privacy, though that would be nice. To be honest, the name Kelly is harder to butcher than Haines-Temons. Throughout school, I’ve been called “Hynes-Tea-Moans”, “Hainees-Tee-muns”, and a bunch of other weird names that are obviously a product of linguistic ignorance. I used to embrace the idea of having a page in my books that told people how to pronounce my name, but I opted not to since Kelly is a more attractive last name anyways. But if you still want to know how my last name is pronounced, here it is. Haines rhymes with “chains” and Temons rhymes with “Simmons”. I know it seems weird that the E in Temons would be pronounced like a short I, but trust me, that’s how it’s said. Temons is a very old Gaelic name. It looks strange, but it’s pronounced only one way. Same thing goes for the name McLeod. It’s not pronounced “Mick-Lee-Uhd”. It’s pronounced “Mick-Loud”. I chose the name Garrison Kelly because it’s easy to say and we don’t have to have a debate over how it’s said. You’re probably wondering why I chose to talk about my last name instead of the actual anthology I’ve published. The answer is simple: if you want to know what to expect from my book, go to the link provided and read either the description or the back cover. I’ll warn you right now that none of these stories, letters, and poems are intended for the squeamish. I don’t do TV-G stuff except for on very rare occasions. This is not one of those occasions. There’s a reason why there’s a TV-MA logo on the American flag book cover. And yes, that is my older brother with the knife in his mouth. I took that photo of James back in 2006 and thought he would make a great Waldo Spiegel, one of the characters in the book. You’re probably wanting the link right about now. Okay, here it is. Happy reading!

　
http://www.lulu.com/shop/garrison-kelly/red-blood-white-knuckles-blue-heart/paperback/product-20672921.html