Breaking Benjamin

***BREAKING BENJAMIN***

It’s been about twenty days since my last blog and at this point I’m just reaching for topics like Luke Skywalker reaching for his lost lightsaber in the heat of battle. Just like that same Jedi warrior, I used the force to come up with this next topic. And by use the force, I mean exactly that: I had to force myself to come up with this topic because nothing else of immediate importance came to mind.

This coming September, Breaking Benjamin is coming to Auburn, Washington’s White River Amphitheater to put on a fucking rock and roll show. Their opening acts in order of appearance are Diamante, Dorothy, Three Days Grace, and finally Chevelle. The only opener that I listen to on a frequent basis is Three Days Grace.

Prior to this upcoming Breaking Benjamin show, I’ve seen Three Days Grace twice in concert. The first time was in 2013 at the Showbox SoDo in Seattle, where I was introduced to their opening band at the time, Otherwise. If you follow my progress with rewriting Beautiful Monster, you’ll understand how Otherwise became as important to me as they are. The other time I’ve seen Three Days Grace live is at the Pain in the Grass festival in 2015, where they were the third to last band to appear onstage behind Lamb of God and the headliner Slipknot.

Three Days Grace has been a part of my life since 2003 when I was attending school at Olympic College. I don’t remember much of the early 2000’s due to the onset of my schizophrenia, but I’ll never forget how Three Days Grace’s music made me feel. Their song “Home” perfectly described my state of mind at the time and “I Hate Everything (About You)” could have been a descriptor for my mom’s terrible ex-boyfriend Art. Seeing Three Days Grace live twice was psychological medicine for me and seeing them a third time in 2019 will be no exception.

Breaking Benjamin is the only other band in that lineup that I listen to on a regular basis, which is why I’m going to the concert in the first place. I don’t go to concerts unless I recognize the headliner. Prior to this concert, I’ve seen Breaking Benjamin on three separate occasions. The first was in 2004 when they opened for Korn. Like I said earlier, I have minimal recollection of the early 2000’s due to my ongoing battle with schizophrenia. When Breaking Benjamin opened for Disturbed as part of the Pain in the Grass festival in 2016, my senses were wide awake. Unfortunately, that show was marred by me having to sit next to a drunken lunatic who wouldn’t leave well enough alone. That’s okay, because in 2018, Breaking Benjamin came back to that same venue with Five Finger Death Punch and Bad Wolves as their openers. Much better experience!

I didn’t fully appreciate the music of Breaking Benjamin until 2006 when I first heard “So Cold”. From there, getting hooked on the music was easy. I listened to a lot of their fourth album Dear Agony in 2009 when I was taking the bus to and from my final college class. Coincidentally, I also started listening to “Life Starts Now” by Three Days Grace. We intersect once again! Who knew two sad-ass metal bands would make the perfect soundtrack for resorting to forced extroversion in a college class environment? I still don’t understand why college classes put introverts at a disadvantage like that by having public conversations in the grading rubric. It’s almost like there’s a bias going on here.

Breaking Benjamin’s upcoming show won’t be until September 22^nd of this year, which is a country mile ahead of the current date. Like I said before, I was reaching for a topic this whole time. I don’t like going for a long time without writing a blog entry because I consider those to be just as important as my poems, short stories, and chapters of Beautiful Monster. Speaking of which…

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***

Chapter sixteen will feature the fruits of Windham’s traumatizing labor in action. Shadow Asylum along with King Lars Stonewall and his troops will perform a raid on Shelly Atwood’s castle in an attempt to put an end to her sex trafficking business once and for all. Windham did a phenomenal job of exposing the castle’s weaknesses in his blueprints, so this should be an open and shut case, right? Sure, you can believe that if you want. You can also believe that monkeys will come flying out of my ass. After dining on Pizza Hut food tonight, monkeys are the last thing you should worry about flying out of my ass. Hehe!

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

HUTCH MORGAN: Eat me!

PAIGE: No thanks, I’m trying to bulk up.

-Fighting With My Family-

Learn to Lose

You’re still talking, still just yapping

Verbal masturbation, endless fapping

You can’t go undefeated forever

Your chances of winning are never

Learn to lose your arguments, buddy

Mudslinging became too damn muddy

You’re proven wrong time and again

Yet the conversation never really ends

You’ve got an army of straw men soldiers

Your childish tactics get older and older

Being loud is not the key to victory

But the key to friendships ending bitterly

Know when to shut your filthy pie hole

Lose gracefully, don’t cry your eyes cold

One of these days, they’ll drop the hammer

You’ll rot in the slammer, never again yammer

You’re fighting a battle you cannot win

As you wait for your sentence to begin

Defying the odds is not your strong suit

Especially in a cage with a hairy brute

What will it take to get through to you?

A body full of bruises so black and blue?

Is it a lifetime membership in the ICU?

Or a permanent home underneath the tomb?

I guess some people don’t want to change

Never improve their lives, stay deranged

I guess you can’t rehabilitate those types

A bullet to the skull, an end to your life

If you truly believe in reincarnation

Come back with an attitude of elation

Be grateful for your second chance

Or in hellfire is where you’ll dance

Learn to lose before you can’t turn back

Know your place in the hunting pack

Obligations

Running away from your obligations

Won’t put an end to the conversation

The topic’s been brewing for a while

Never mind approaching it with style

You must attack the problem head-on

Even if it starts to feel morally wrong

You don’t have to have the answers

You’re a team player, not a freelancer

Help each other come to a conclusion

Don’t spend so much time in seclusion

Don’t confuse the act of cooling down

With running away and skipping town

You can do this, it’s a phone call away

Don’t put this off for yet another day

Three words, eight letters, say it loud

Before the hatred comes back around

Don’t let a small misunderstanding

Become your downfall, a stiff landing

Pick up the phone before it’s too late

Before the silence has sealed your fate

Staying In Bed

To hell with being dutiful

Staying in bed is beautiful

A purring kitty on my chest

He agrees that it’s time to rest

Piano music calms me down

Hypnotized by the gentle sound

Cold breeze blowing outside

Under the blankets is where I hide

Back to work on another day

Couldn’t motivate myself anyway

Stare at the ceiling, think about life

Share my bed with an imaginary wife

Watch movies playing in my head

They don’t make a lick of sense

Heater blasting on a winter night

Makes resisting sleep an uphill fight

But I can’t stay here forever and ever

Despite the drop in barometric pressure

Another day waits on the other side

That way you can’t say I never tried

Still walking around like the undead

Not a whole lot going on in my head

A few more hours until it gets dark

Until rainwater floods the public park

Until the moon shines down upon us all

Until face down on the bed is where I fall

Disconnect my telephone line

Tomorrow everything will be just fine

Like it is almost every damn day

No sense in asking me if I’m okay

Boring

VERSE 1

“Get a real job!” is what they say

Blind conformity equals good pay

PRE-CHORUS 1

Trade school is boring

I can’t keep from snoring

Come on!

Fuck off!

CHORUS 1

You see, it’s their fault

We don’t have no dreams no more

Colors fading, not worth parading

Society has become a chore

VERSE 2

“Go work in tech!” is what they scream

Crushing your dreams, it makes them cream

PRE-CHORUS 2

Tech jobs are boring

I can’t keep from snoring

Come on!

Fuck off!

CHORUS 2

You see, it’s their fault

We can’t do what we love the most

Paintings destroyed, artists left unemployed

While the boss men laugh and boast

BRIDGE

Crushed all our pride

We can’t get inside

Nowhere left to hide

We sleep outside

Come on!

Fuck off!

VOICE-OVER

Trade school: the one part of the educational journey where it’s okay to fall asleep in class! Sign up today and get fucked for your first three months free!

Gary-Stu

I spent a hundred years in the navy

The sexy siren is carrying my baby

I spent five decades in the marines

They all call me a fighting machine

I spent half a century in the army

No way could the enemy harm me

I spent ten years in the air force

I still don’t make sense, of course

I’m a Gary-Stu who’s lost at sea

Always carry machineguns with me

A battleaxe bigger than my body

Always imitated, but never copied

Except by those trying to make a buck

Make a fortune from negative luck

Put me in a videogame or paperback

I’m a macho man, genetically jacked

Everybody wants to buy my image

Everybody wants to laugh at critics

Everybody wants to look for tropes

Everybody’s given too much rope

Whatever happened to character depth?

Got slaughtered in a battle to the death

Everybody’s got their own little flaws

They don’t include too much brawn

They don’t include a nasty attitude

They don’t include a lazy aptitude

Three dimensional isn’t hard to achieve

All you have to do is make them believe

If a captain is going to be lost at sea

If a warrior is going to bleed, bleed, bleed

If a damsel in distress screams one last time

Put some reason in your fucked up rhyme

"Andre the Giant: Closer to Heaven" by Brandon Easton

BOOK TITLE: Andre the Giant: Closer to Heaven

AUTHOR: Brandon Easton

YEAR: 2015

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Wrestling Biography

GRADE: Pass

Andre the Giant’s road to wrestling stardom was one filled with pain, unhappiness, excessive drinking, and tough choices. Starting out as a farm boy in France, he fell in love with professional wrestling in his teen years when he’d see these small shows performed in front of live crowds. Needing an escape from feeling like a freak, he used his massive size to his advantage and started his long hard road to becoming one of the biggest legends in the wrestling industry. He traveled all over the world wrestling matches that stunned spectators until he made it to the multi-billion dollar World Wrestling Federation. His larger-than-life star power would become immortalized with his matches against Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, and many other future Hall of Famers. He died in 1993 due to complications with his gigantism, but he will never be forgotten.

Graphic novels and comic books alike get bad reputations for being ordinary picture books for kids (that was a dig at you, Bill Maher). This graphic novel in particular is much more than that. It’s a well-written biography with dialogue and narration any reader can get behind. I especially liked the part where the old lady at the fairgrounds told Andre that he’s “closer to heaven” because God doesn’t have to reach down that far to touch him. That simple act of kindness helped Andre feel like more than just a sideshow freak. He was a human being with real emotions and real struggles, just like any other regardless of size. The dialogue and narration help convey that message perfectly. In other words, he’s a three-dimensional character within the confines of a greater story.

Just like all three-dimensional characters, Andre had flaws underneath all of his stardom. He was so young and egotistical that he thought he was invincible, so he turned to drinking and telling inappropriate jokes to keep up this appearance. Partying was a huge part of the wrestling industry and some people succumb to their vices easier than others. In Andre’s case, his alcoholism led him to complicate his gigantism, where his bones were already aching and he needed so many surgeries that he lost count. Despite his flaws, it’s impossible to hate Andre the Giant as a character. He is, after all, human. He still feels guilty during his times of sin, especially as it relates to his estranged daughter Robin, who penned an emotional letter to him while he was away. This is a reminder that nobody is invincible no matter how big and strong they are. That’s true storytelling at its best.

In addition to his struggles with his physical health, his emotional health took a toll on him as well. Despite being a mega star every country he wrestles in, he couldn’t find his permanent happiness. He took the little things for granted until it was almost too late to appreciate them once again. Being able to catch up with his friends back home in France was a huge emotional boost for him. Forging new friendships with his business manager and his bosses helped keep him in check. Being able to shoot movies and work with friendly actors helped him escape from wrestling when he needed to the most. In the end, being happy is all that matters in this world. If you hate life with a passion, you can’t be like Andre the Giant and be “closer to heaven”. It’s not a religious thing. It’s common sense that we all push aside at some point down the road. The key is to remember who we are and why we do what we do.

As short as this graphic novel is and as easy as it is to poke fun at the wrestling genre (again, I’m looking at you, Bill Maher), Andre the Giant: Closer to Heaven is a brilliantly-written piece of art that should be appreciated by wrestling and non-wrestling fans alike. It’s not just a biography of a pop culture icon. It’s a story. A real, living, breathing, three-dimensional story about a human being overcoming gargantuan obstacles. A passing grade is what this graphic novel deserves.

"Throw the Damn Ball" by Various Authors

BOOK TITLE: Throw the Damn Ball: Classic Poetry by Dogs

AUTHORS: R.D. Rosen, Harry Prichett, and Rob Battles

YEAR: 2013

GENRE: Poetry

SUBGENRE: Animal Parodies

GRADE: Fail

Any attempt to make puppy-duppies look cute and cuddly will not go unnoticed from an animal lover like me. Having said that, these poems, which are from the point of view of dogs, feel like they’re trying too hard in that respect. They’re parodies of classic poetry, but the classics didn’t age well enough to translate into cute nor funny take-offs. Most of the humor comes from the dogs acting like spoiled divas and saying cruel things to their owners. Even more of the humor is of the toilet variety. Poop, pee, drool, raunchy sex, you name it, it has a poor joke somewhere in this book. A small minority of the poetry is funny when it’s talking about chasing things or being cuddly, but most of the time, it’s either childish toilet humor or dogs being jerks to their owners. I wanted to smile at some of these poems. I wanted to laugh my head off. But I just couldn’t. At least the dog pictures are cute, but that’s pretty much the only redeeming quality this book has to offer. I would have given a more extensive review than just one paragraph, but there’s really not much here to analyze. I know it was written just for fun, but I’m not having fun with them. I’m bored to tears and I’m cringing into a tight ball. A failing grade goes to this poor outing.

"Where's My Kitty?" by Ashley Uzzell

BOOK TITLE: Where’s My Kitty?

AUTHOR: Ashley Uzzell

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Children

GRADE: Pass

Little Kassidy is playing outside and would love to have a furry friend to share her adventures. But she keeps asking, “Where’s my kitty?” She looks in all of the usual places from the forest to the bathtub to even his favorite spot on the living room couch. Where could the little munchkin be?

Because this book is short by nature, this review will also be a brief one. First of all, I’ll just say…aww! Actually, you’re going to be saying that throughout this reading adventure. The pictures of little Spunky (the cat) are adorable and it’s easy to see why Kassidy would want to snuggle and play with the fur baby sweetheart. Not only does she want to know, “Where’s my kitty?”, but you’ll want to know too. You’ll wish you could give the fuzzy rug-rat pettings behind the ear and across his back. You’ll wish you could hear his purr motor revving in your ear. You’ll wish you could see the look on Kassidy’s cheerful baby face when she finds him. I’d warn you about that spoiler, but you saw it coming from miles away. This is an all-around cute book and that’s what you should expect when you pick up a copy.

Although the book was published in 2016, it was written when the real-life Kassidy was just a toddler. Since then, Spunky has passed to the Rainbow Bridge and Kassidy has won her battle with childhood leukemia. This book, as short as it may be, is a wonderful tribute to a wonderful love between child and kitty. Spunky is purring from beyond the grave, which is why I’m giving this book a passing grade. You’ve done your daughter proud, Ms. Uzzell!

"Little Birds" by Hannah Lee Kidder

BOOK TITLE: Little Birds

AUTHOR: Hannah Lee Kidder

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Fictional Short Stories

SUBGENRE: Contemporary

GRADE: Pass

In her debut book, Hannah Lee Kidder’s stories are short, sweet, and to the point, but they pack the most powerful punches in their tiny spaces. Even stories that are only a sentence long are capable of tugging at the reader’s heartstrings with oftentimes brutal force. The subjects she touches on include rape, suicide, breakups, and elderly dementia to name a few. These topics aren’t there just to shock the reader; they have a purpose beyond that. You will be so in love with this book that you’ll wish it was longer.

My favorite short story in this book has to be Wolverine Frogs, the one that deals with the always raw subject of rape and the trauma afterwards. The main character wishes she could have claws like a wolverine frog so that she’ll be better equipped to fend off future attackers. She’s so traumatized that she’ll unleash such amphibian fury upon anybody who gets too close to her, innocent or not. This is such a realistic portrayal of psychological trauma that the trigger warning was absolutely necessary. As a reader, you want her to recover even though that’s not always a truthful outcome. You’re genuinely worried that she might do something to hurt herself in order to alleviate the pain. Wolverine Frogs is without a doubt the most heart-wrenching story in this collection.

My second favorite story in this book is Cane Sprouts, which tells the tale of a young New York lady who returns to her grandparents’ trailer near the Bayou. Again, realistic portrayals of the subject matter at hand are what you can expect. In this case, we’re dealing with elderly dementia. The grandpa mixes up names, gets lost in the middle of fields, wanders everywhere with a broken shotgun, and wakes up from naps in an even more confused state than when he’s already awake. This is heartbreaking to watch as this kind of behavior is usually the precursor to death. The main character’s guilt over not being able to see her grandparents as often as she can is palpable during these moments of elderly confusion. That’s what makes the story so believable and raw.

My third favorite story in this book could be considered micro-fiction seeing as how it’s only two to three pages long. But like I said in the intro, sometimes the shortest stories pack the biggest punches. Of course, the story I’m referring to is He Wrote Me a Song, which details the budding friendship between a nameless female high school student and another kid named RJ. She would always loan him pencils and he showed his gratitude by writing a beautiful song for her. Gratitude is a powerful thing, especially to people like RJ who’ve had it rough over the past few years with people looking their noses down at him. The smallest gestures can have the biggest impact. However, before the main characters’ friendship could blossom…well, let’s just say that your waterworks will be well deserved by the time this story is quickly over.

Some would argue that these stories rely too much on shock value to get their points across. I respectfully disagree with that assessment. These stories have a purpose and that is to be as real and honest as possible. The shocking conclusions are just a small part of the overall bigger picture. If someone in your life is hurting, be there for him or her. Show that person that you care and that everything will be okay in the end. You don’t really know what you’ve got until it’s gone. That’s what Little Birds means to me and that’s why it receives a passing grade.

"Eve: the Awakening" by Jenna Moreci

BOOK TITLE: Eve: the Awakening

AUTHOR: Jenna Moreci

YEAR: 2015

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Science Fiction

GRADE: Pass

X-Men meets Mississippi Burning in Jenna Moreci’s debut novel, Eve: the Awakening. College student Evelyn Kingston is part of a race of powerful superhumans known as chimeras, the most hated culture in this futuristic world. After a lifetime of racist cruelty, Eve just wants to blend in as a normal human and leave her past behind. Studying at Billington University seems like her perfect escape until she learns that alien warriors known as Interlopers are murdering chimeras left and right. Having xenophobic humans and Interlopers to fight off all at once, it’s amazing that she gets any peace and quiet at all. Maybe running away isn’t the answer. Maybe confronting her demons is closer to the truth.

The racist characters that Eve has to put up with in this story are grating to read about, especially as they come in large doses all at once. The worst offenders of the bunch are easily Heather, Madison, and Hayden, who live up to the Mean Girls stereotypes in every way from being spoiled and rich to being downright nasty with their dialogue. Chin Dimple, a football jock in Eve’s combat class, is every bit as vicious with his fighting abilities as he is with his sexism and racism. Dr. Richards is the evil teacher that Pink Floyd warned us about: condescending, conformist, and intolerably angry. There are more villains in the book who act like Trump supporters on steroids. Much more! Sometimes it’s unbearable to read about, but that’s the whole point: to make readers uncomfortable and make them question the hatred around their own world.

In addition to characters the reader loves to hate, there are eventual allies for Eve that can be easily rooted for. The relationship she forms with fellow chimera Jason Valentine is charming on all levels, though you’ll have to wait patiently to get what you want out of this pairing. Dr. Clarke is a breath of fresh air when it comes to teachers since he’s progressive and caring instead of a blatant racist like everyone else. Even though Captain Ramsey, the combat instructor, is a hardnosed, tough guy teacher, it’s hard to root against him due to his sense of loyalty and genuinely wanting the best for Eve and her friends. Allies like these and many more come later in the story, but we as readers are thankful they’re here. After all of the hatred Eve endures up until that point, she could use a few heroes by her side. I like being able to escape from the horrible stuff every now and then, just like Eve wanted to escape from her past. Good on you, Ms. Moreci!

Let’s talk for a minute about the fight scenes, whether they’re from combat class, with Interlopers, or with other students. These scenes are so well-written that I can legitimately get excited for them whenever they arrive on the page. Every punch, every kick, every fired bullet, no matter what action is being performed in combat, you can bet your bottom dollar that it’ll hurt the reader as well as the characters who’re fighting. The way Jenna Moreci describes bruises, blood loss, broken bones, and explosions makes me believe that someone’s life really is at stake, which is how all fights should be portrayed. The higher the stakes, the more believability every fight has. Excellent work on this front!

The racism against chimeras as well as the drama of school can get on the reader’s nerves all too easily. But I urge you all to press on and not tap out so easily. This is a brilliantly-written book from beginning to end. The author makes life so difficult for Eve in this book that her odds of surviving at all are slim to none. The key word is surviving, because if she doesn’t get past these roadblocks, she will die. There’s no in between for Eve, no shortcuts to victory. She either lives or dies by her own prowess. That alone should be enough reason for you to pick up a copy of Eve: the Awakening. A passing grade is what Jenna Moreci deserves for her debut novel!

It's Okay to Be Single

***IT’S OKAY TO BE SINGLE***

Valentine’s Day is on the horizon, a horizon covered by about ten inches of falling snow, by the way. For those who are single, Valentine’s Day is the hardest holiday to get through because it seems as though your non-existent relationship status is being rubbed in your face. I know this, because I too am single and I hated this holiday for the longest time. I wish someone had told me back in those romantically lonely days that…it’s okay to be single. I know it’s hard for some people to believe that the world won’t judge you if you are, but if it’s a comfort to you at all, I’m the very last person in this world who will judge you for being single. I won’t even judge you for being a virgin. Involuntarily celibate is an entirely different story, but still, you get my drift.

When you learn to let go of this idea that romance is a necessity, you’ll feel as though the weight of the world is finally off of your shoulders. That doesn’t mean you can’t get into a relationship somewhere down the line, but if you obsess over it all the time, then it’ll hurt you emotionally. A lot of the pain from my university days stemmed from being single and wanting someone I could never have. I crushed on Tarja Turunen, the ex-lead singer from Nightwish, and it hurt me constantly that I couldn’t have her. Even when I crushed on women within my location and economic means, I was too shy to approach them because I didn’t want them to be offended by my presence. I carried this pain for a long time, long after I graduated from college.

The idea of letting go of my obsession was insane to me, which I now realize is an ironic thing for a schizophrenic like me to say, but oh well. Why was I so obsessed? Was it a combination of teenaged hormones and having my first slow dance at 15? Was it a long-distance relationship I had in 2002 and 2003 where I desperately wanted to close that gap? Was it my first kiss in 2014? Was it being seduced by random women at rock concerts in 2016 and 2018? Those brain chemicals are addictive as hell, I agree. Any addiction makes letting go a difficult thing.

But when I finally let go earlier this year, I asked myself a series of questions that had “duh” answers all along. Would being in a relationship truly make me happy? Would having sex for the first time be as magical as books and movies make it out to be? What exactly are the consequences supposed to be for staying single? When the time finally comes to be in a relationship, will I be prepared or will anxiety take over my senses? Truth is, not everyone who’s in a relationship is happy, as evidenced by divorce rates, abusive situations, and constant fighting even when things are going great. First time sex ends too quickly, or so I’ve heard. There are no consequences for being single. I’ve done nothing to prepare myself for a relationship, so my anxiety and nervousness around women won’t dissipate.

None of this means that I don’t believe in romance. It doesn’t mean that if a woman asked me on a date, I would automatically reject her. It simply means that I won’t form unhealthy crushes or obsess over something unattainable. My emotional health means everything to me. It’s the reason why I’m able to sustain a writing career and an overall peaceful life. If I’m constantly in a state of unhappiness, then I don’t care how many poems and stories I write, because I can never satiate those obsessive desires. I wrote three first draft novels this year, all of them centering on my obsession with romance. While I’m grateful for the creative exercises, I can get the same result and probably more work done if I’m happy about life instead of miserable.

It’s particularly bad when you’re in love with a celebrity, especially one that’s been around since your teenaged years. You spend all of this time pining over and dreaming of them. Even when you realize it could never be, you obsess more and more until it ruins your state of mind. You carry this unhappiness with you into adulthood and by that time your celebrity crush is much older than you are. Everybody ages, everybody moves on, and you must do so too.

If you’re single this Valentine’s Day and you don’t know what to do, just treat it like any other day of the week. Do some creative work. Get some reading done. Draw a picture. Order a pizza. Watch a movie. Do something other than give into your unrealistic obsessions. You’re responsible for your own happiness. Treat yourself kindly. Don’t beat yourself up. Take good care of your mind. You only get one in this lifetime, so be good to it and don’t drive yourself insane. If you must get into a relationship, keep it healthy and happy and don’t be codependent. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***

Rewriting this story has been a slow process with many gap days in between the work days. You can thank my constant sleepiness for that. But fear not, because before 2019 is over, I will have this novel finished and published. The next chapter to be written will be number twelve, where Windham and Tarja deliver the blueprints to Shelly’s castle to their boss, Orpheus Rinehart. Will the boss man be grateful or will he reward his employees with a year-long membership in the Jelly of the Month Club? It’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year. You get a cookie if you know what movie that’s from.

***PHILOSOPHICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“You will find that if you get with reality, all thoughts of delusions disappear. But you must remember that the secret to all of this is not to be afraid of fear. When you can really allow yourself to be afraid, and you don't resist the experience of fear, you are truly beginning to master fear. But when you refuse to be afraid, you are resisting fear, and that simply sets up a vicious circle of being afraid of fear of being afraid of being afraid of fear. If then you try to obliterate fear, you're working in the wrong way. To attack at fear is to strengthen it. As if you were God, that is to say, you don't trust anybody and you're the dictator and you have to keep everybody in line, you lose the divine then. 'Cause what you're doing is simply defending yourself. So then the principle is the more you give it away, the more it comes back. The meaning of the fact we see that everything is dissolving constantly, we're all falling apart. We're all in a process of constant death. Then you truly understand that you don't have to let go because there's nothing to hold on to.”

-Alan Watts-

Undertaker

Necromancy is my native tongue

For those whose songs remain unsung

For those buried beneath the ground

For those haunted by traumatic sounds

Every corpse has its own little story

Every death has its own hidden glory

Some died fighting for what they believe

Or took to the grave their ability to deceive

Some died never having lived at all

No surprise that one day they’d fall

Detachment is my only suit of armor

Against crying for those I must honor

Just another body to grow the grass

Just another ghost waiting to pass

To the next world if there ever was one

Covered in roses or saluted with guns

An undertaker’s job is never really over

An undertaker’s fear is silent and covert

Rest in peace is what we learn to say

Go through the motions for another day

This is life imitating the finest art

This is a life being torn clean apart

Just as dead as the bodies I bury

Just as heavy as the burden I carry

Maybe it’s time for a brand new career

There’s nothing left for me to do here

Follow my dreams into older ages

Write my stories on the dusty pages

How many times will I get this chance

Before I give into the devil’s dance?

Kill Everyone Inside

VERSE 1

All I wanted was some peace and quiet

Instead you all gave me a drunken riot

High on crystal meth, tempting death

High on horse, morons out in full force

“Boys will be boys”, you gave me no choice

Than to bite my tongue, temper my voice

One of these days, you’ll push me to the edge

I’ll knock off every one of your fucking heads

CHORUS

Kill everyone inside!

No more football pride!

No more will I hide!

Kill everyone inside!

VERSE 2

The way you scream and sing annoying jingles

Doesn’t make me wonder why you’re single

Doesn’t make me want to shut up and play nice

Makes me want to set fire to you as a sacrifice

Which lucky god will get your body and soul?

A multi-armed demon or a killer so damn cold?

An old man in the clouds or an angel from hell?

Maybe they can fight it out, let’s ring the bell

CHORUS

Kill everyone inside!

No more football pride!

No more will I hide!

Kill everyone inside!

VERSE 3

You flip over cars, knock over street lamps

Cheer drunkenly as the plane crash lands

Beer and testosterone: a deadly combination

Wasted minds never used for contemplation

I want to break a bottle of booze over your head

Kick you, punch you until you’re fucking dead

Just for good measure, I’ll fill you full of lead

Save the last words, no one cares what you said

CHORUS

Kill everyone inside!

No more football pride!

No more will I hide!

Kill everyone inside!

Circus Seal

VERSE 1

Whether I’m eating dinner with my family

Or on the brink of schizophrenic insanity

Or taking a shit in a public bathroom stall

Or watching a movie that makes me bawl

You must have my attention here and now

It doesn’t matter when, doesn’t matter how

An autograph or a private performance

Neither, pal, now go fuck off into orbit

CHORUS

I’m not your circus seal

You don’t care how I feel

Private time is not yours to steal

I’m not your circus seal

VERSE 2

It’s not that I hate my own loyal fan base

It’s just that this is neither the time nor place

I need my moments of peace and quiet

If I turn you away, don’t start a city-wide riot

Don’t post my dirty laundry on the internet

My private and public lives do not intersect

Nothing personal, I just want to unwind

In a place where nobody will ever find

CHORUS

I’m not your circus seal

You don’t care how I feel

Private time is not yours to steal

I’m not your circus seal

VERSE 3

You buy my products, but you’re not my boss

If you despise me, it’s your own damn loss

You don’t own me like a hand puppet master

Threatening me will only make me walk faster

EXTENDED CHORUS

I’m not your circus seal

You don’t care how I feel

Private time is not yours to steal

I’m not your circus seal

I’m not your favorite bitch

You don’t make me rich

I don’t owe you shit

I’m not your favorite bitch