Salty Cindy

Teaching history? You’re on the wrong side of it

You took your students’ lives, turned them into shit

Yelling and screaming until they hear you from Scotland

If you went further east, they’d launch nuclear rockets

Oral quizzes? You’ve got no fucking business

Put our anxiety on display for millions to witness

Calling us lazy when we worked our asses off

But we believed it like our brains were acid washed

Rushing us through like a military exercise

So that we’d be good drones in a capitalist enterprise

Don’t you know it takes more than a degree

To teach any class, let alone senior history?

Empathy and kindness should be prerequisites

Not a grumpy outlook and marine sentiments

If I wanted to fight a bunch of strangers overseas

I’d have actually said the words, “Sign me up, please!”

But I didn’t, because I’m not a cog in the machine

I have my own ambitions, my own goals to achieve

None of them include listening to your loud voice

The future is mine, I’m the one who makes the choice

Where do you belong? In the unemployment line

Although I wouldn’t even trust you to cook my fries

Wouldn’t trust you to take care of my kitties

Nor my puppies neither, you’d be just as shitty

I don’t even think your own family likes you

Face it, Salty Cindy, you have nothing left to do

You can go get fucked with a rifle’s bayonet

It’s a surefire bet, are there any takers yet?

Like a sex offender, you don’t belong near a school

You belong in a morgue where the bodies are cool

I know this all sounds just a little too extreme

But this is what I do when you fuck with my dreams

"Throw the Damn Ball" by Various Authors

BOOK TITLE: Throw the Damn Ball: Classic Poetry by Dogs

AUTHORS: R.D. Rosen, Harry Prichett, and Rob Battles

YEAR: 2013

GENRE: Poetry

SUBGENRE: Animal Parodies

GRADE: Fail

Any attempt to make puppy-duppies look cute and cuddly will not go unnoticed from an animal lover like me. Having said that, these poems, which are from the point of view of dogs, feel like they’re trying too hard in that respect. They’re parodies of classic poetry, but the classics didn’t age well enough to translate into cute nor funny take-offs. Most of the humor comes from the dogs acting like spoiled divas and saying cruel things to their owners. Even more of the humor is of the toilet variety. Poop, pee, drool, raunchy sex, you name it, it has a poor joke somewhere in this book. A small minority of the poetry is funny when it’s talking about chasing things or being cuddly, but most of the time, it’s either childish toilet humor or dogs being jerks to their owners. I wanted to smile at some of these poems. I wanted to laugh my head off. But I just couldn’t. At least the dog pictures are cute, but that’s pretty much the only redeeming quality this book has to offer. I would have given a more extensive review than just one paragraph, but there’s really not much here to analyze. I know it was written just for fun, but I’m not having fun with them. I’m bored to tears and I’m cringing into a tight ball. A failing grade goes to this poor outing.