"Throw the Damn Ball" by Various Authors

BOOK TITLE: Throw the Damn Ball: Classic Poetry by Dogs

AUTHORS: R.D. Rosen, Harry Prichett, and Rob Battles

YEAR: 2013

GENRE: Poetry

SUBGENRE: Animal Parodies

GRADE: Fail

Any attempt to make puppy-duppies look cute and cuddly will not go unnoticed from an animal lover like me. Having said that, these poems, which are from the point of view of dogs, feel like they’re trying too hard in that respect. They’re parodies of classic poetry, but the classics didn’t age well enough to translate into cute nor funny take-offs. Most of the humor comes from the dogs acting like spoiled divas and saying cruel things to their owners. Even more of the humor is of the toilet variety. Poop, pee, drool, raunchy sex, you name it, it has a poor joke somewhere in this book. A small minority of the poetry is funny when it’s talking about chasing things or being cuddly, but most of the time, it’s either childish toilet humor or dogs being jerks to their owners. I wanted to smile at some of these poems. I wanted to laugh my head off. But I just couldn’t. At least the dog pictures are cute, but that’s pretty much the only redeeming quality this book has to offer. I would have given a more extensive review than just one paragraph, but there’s really not much here to analyze. I know it was written just for fun, but I’m not having fun with them. I’m bored to tears and I’m cringing into a tight ball. A failing grade goes to this poor outing.

Bathos

VERSE 1

Whenever two people fall head over heels

You tear them apart like a canine meal

Laugh at their love and all of the above

Counter the cheese with your brand of sleaze

Ain’t nothing funny about human emotions

Not every scene needs tissues and lotion

Shut the fuck up and leave them alone

If you can’t take the heat, go the fuck home

CHORUS 1

Bathos! Bathos!

Killing the mood with crass behavior

Bathos! Bathos!

Shut your mouth or meet your maker

Bathos! Bathos!

Bathos! Bathos!

VERSE 2

Whenever some guy wants to shiver and cry

You encourage his wishes to want to die

You drain every tear from his red puffy eyes

With every sick joke about his ass and thighs

Or maybe it’s about the color of his skin

Maybe it’s about the church’s so-called sins

Maybe it’s the fact that he lost his loved ones

Maybe you’re just a giggly ass dumb fuck

CHORUS 1

Bathos! Bathos!

Killing the mood with crass behavior

Bathos! Bathos!

Shut your mouth or meet your maker

Bathos! Bathos!

Bathos! Bathos!

BRIDGE

Alternative facts, alternative right

Alternative wife, alternative white

Alternative comedy, alternative rock

Alternative reality, what a fucking crock!

VERSE 3

If this is comedy, get your ass off the stage

You’re no George Carlin, no fucking sage

If this is music, I’m deaf to your tunes

You’re like a pop star gagging on a silver spoon

If this is news, you can’t be trusted

If this is corruption, you’re goddamn busted

If this is satire, you’re a goddamn liar

If this is your stage, let’s set it on fire

CHORUS 2

Bathos! Bathos!

See you later, you disgusting hater

Bathos! Bathos!

In a while, you necrophile

Bathos! Bathos!

Bathos! Bathos!

Darkness and Crudeness

There’s a fine line between being dark and being crude. As someone who’s tried to experiment with the dark style all my life, I’ve crossed the blurred line several times in my career. No matter how many times I try to avoid it, somehow I keep crossing that border whenever I’m pumping out first drafts. And then I end up feeling horrible about it since there’s a slim chance I may have unintentionally offended someone. Offending people is good, but not when it’s unintentional. Here’s an example. There’s a short story in Foe vs. Blade called Choice, where an MMA fighter named Rachel Gustafson has an abortion so that she can continue to compete. When she finally has her next fight, her pro-life opponent Violet Smith compares her to Phil Garrido since abortion is allegedly the same as child abuse. Before publishing Foe vs. Blade, I removed that crude and unnecessary comment and replaced it with both fighters instead electing to go back to their corners. The DeviantART and Facebook versions of Choice still have the Phil Garrido remark, but that’s only because nobody pays attention to first drafts anyways. You can apply the darkness-crudeness continuum to your own work as well. For example, let’s say you’re going to make a joke about Cleopatra’s menstrual cycle. A calm and sensible person who still wished to be dark and offensive would phrase the joke like this: “Q: Why did Cleopatra use tampons? A: Because she was on her pyramid.” A crude and tacky person would phrase the seemingly innocent joke like this: “Q: Why did Cleopatra shove tube steaks up her fucking twat? A: Because the bitch was on her pyramid, yo!” The lesson learned here is that swearing is not always a good way to enhance your material. If all you have is swearing and no substance, you’re not going to survive the creative world. That’s why whenever I’m walking the streets of downtown Bremerton and I hear a random guy rapping about a woman “sucking a dick in less than a minute”, I cringe and try to get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. The only purpose swearing and other forms of darkness serve is to make the story realistic. There are people out there who use crude language, but when writing, try to capture it in such a way that it doesn’t completely make your audience’s stomachs turn. A good example of darkness used to perfection would be Tales From the Hood. Yes, the characters love to cuss, but whenever Bulldog yells, “Where’s the shit?!” your stomach is sore not from nausea, but from laughing. Leave the nausea up to Crazy K as he gets spun around several times on a torture table while watching black people getting killed, which is apparently what he’s been doing all of his life according to Dr. Cushing. Peace! I’m out!

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“One of the side effects for these diet pills is anal seepage. If you take this pill, I don’t care how much weight you’ve lost, you ain’t looking good in them jeans.”

-Jeff Foxworthy-