Remember how during my review of “All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome” I said that a blog about fast reads wouldn’t be complete without picture books? The same is true now that I’m talking about “I Am Puppy, Hear Me Yap”. Each page consists of a cute and cuddly picture of a puppy-duppy along with an equally cute and cuddly poem on the opposite page. These poems and pictures can be about anything from chewing shoes to playing in the dirt to peeing on the bed to pretty much anything man’s best friend is famous for. The poems are clever with their joyful rhymes and childlike antics. But come on, we know why you’re really reading this book: for the sweet and lovable puppy-duppies! You want to see them roll over before you reach through the page and give them a much-needed belly rub! Puppies always seem to like a good petting whether it’s on their bellies, on their butts, behind their ears, or on their saggy jowls. Not only will you want to pet all of the puppies in this book, but you’ll want to take them all home with you. Little baskets of puppies all over the house just rolling around and being animal kids. The only thing these puppies don’t come with is purring muscles in their throats. Purring puppies? Aww! That would be a cuteness overload, as my friends on DeviantART might say. As I write this blog entry, I keep asking myself, what more could I say about this book that I haven’t already? It doesn’t have any plot, obviously. The poems wouldn’t make sense without their respective pictures next to them. I guess the only thing left to say is, go out and buy a copy of this wonderful picture book. You may brush through it in a matter of quick minutes, but as long as you’re in the mood for cuteness, you can read it as many times as you want. Maybe one day the author and photographer will make a calendar out of these wonderful puppy-duppy pictures. Imagine flipping to February and seeing a floppy-eared wiener dog staring you in the face with pretty brown eyes. Wouldn’t that just melt your heart like an ice cream cone? If you didn’t have a valentine by the time February rolled around, then maybe the floppy-eared buddy would be there to comfort you. I’d tell you more, but you might actually die by cuteness, another phrase my DA friends love to use. Hehe!
***JOKE OF THE DAY***
Two guys are walking down the street and they see a dog thoroughly licking himself. One of the guys says, “Man, I wish I could do that!” The other guy says, “Shouldn’t you pet him first?”
“Fifty Shades of Grey” has gotten a shit ton of criticism since publication. Some of it is legitimate, but most of it is just enforcing the stigma of it being based off of a piece of “Twilight” fan fiction. Personally, I don’t care where the idea for this book came from. If you read it, no matter what gender you are, the room you’re reading it in will become a hot, steamy sauna. If you’re already reading it in a sauna, don’t worry, you’ll still be able to tell the difference. If you’re a man, your peter will stand up and flop against your belly button. If you’re a woman, you’ll get so wet that you’ll have to wear a diaper just to read this book. When it comes to erotic fiction, isn’t that really all that matters? Are you really that turned off about Anastasia Steele having an “inner goddess” and a smart-assed subconscious? And does it really bother you that the characters’ names are designed to be sexy? Imagine if Anastasia’s name was Blanche Hertz. What kind of stigma does that ugly name apply to? An old woman? A woman with razor-sharp teeth? A woman with a guttural voice? The reason Anastasia Steele was given her name was because names always carry a certain amount of emotional baggage. With that name, you get the impression that she’s a romantic princess instead of a furry monster. What about the name Christian Grey? Suppose Anastasia’s corporate dominant boyfriend was named Christian Lipchitz. Anastasia wouldn’t have even entered his office building in the first place. Even if she did, her first interview question would have been, “If your Lipchitz, what does your ass do?” And then Christian would have spanked her with a barbed wire bat instead of his hand. The point I’m trying to make is that you shouldn’t turn down this book just because of a few minor flaws. As an erotic author, EL James has one goal: to keep a surplus of lotion and tissue around your house. And guess what? She accomplishes that goal with flying colors. Granted, she does so with the theme of a bondage fetish, but it’s still a hot and steamy book regardless of your sexual appetites. Pick it up and try it. You might be surprised!
***LITERARY QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“My cheeks are now the color of The Communist Manifesto.”
-Anastasia Steele from “Fifty Shades of Grey”-
“Marine biologist Chaz Perrone can’t tell a seahorse from a sawhorse.” No kidding! This goofball slash scumbag tried to murder his wife by tossing her overboard during a cruise. So what did she do? Using her athletic talents, she swam over to a bail of Jamaican weed and wound up on a deserted island inhabited by an ex-cop who’s more than happy to help her attain vengeance. But how will Joey Perrone get revenge? Will she shoot Chaz in the skull? Nah, too brutal. Will she kick him in the testicles? Nah, that’s even worse. What could be more American than gunfire and nut shots? Blackmail, of course! Chaz has no idea that his wife Joey survived, but he doesn’t need to know that. He just has to worry his pretty little head off not only about murder charges, but also about falsifying data when doing work in the Florida Everglades. Throughout the entire book, you get the impression that Chaz Perrone is a huge sleaze ball. And then you think to yourself, “Gee, I’d really like to see something bad happen to this scumbag.” The entire book is just one big revenge plot designed to make Chaz shit in his overalls and have the diarrhea splatter ooze down into his already mud-soaked bog boots. What could possibly be more satisfying than that? And since Carl Hiaasen’s characters are always goofy and silly, you don’t have to worry about things getting too dark or brutal. Yes, Chaz Perrone is a heartless bastard, but you wouldn’t wish water boarding on him. Pants-pissing blackmail? That you can wish for and expect the genie to be generous about granting that wish. Goofball adult comedy is pretty much what you can expect from all of Carl Hiaasen’s books, alongside the not-so-subtle environmental messages he imprints in each novel. Despite knowing everything there is to know about him, you never feel like stopping at just one book. Mr. Hiaasen is extremely prolific and his books definitely do NOT blend together. Each one is an exciting thrill ride that will leave your gut busted and your ribs aching. “Skinny Dip” is no different in that respect.
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“When it comes to rights, either one of two things is true. Either we have unlimited rights or no rights at all. Personally, I’m leaning toward unlimited rights. I believe for instance that I have the right to do and say whatever the fuck I please. And if I say something that pisses you off, you have the right to kill me. Where are you going to find a fucking better deal than that? The next time some asshole says to you, ‘I have the right to my opinion!’ say to them, ‘Oh yeah? Well, I have the right to my opinion and my opinion is, you have no right to your opinion!’ Then shoot the motherfucker and walk away!”
-George Carlin-
Ever hear the phrase, “You get out what you put in?” Keep this phrase in mind as you read “The Secret” from cover to cover. This self-help guide reiterates something known as the Law of Attraction, where your thoughts have a direct influence on how your life is going to be. If you firmly believe something hard enough, it’ll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know, I know, you’re tempted to laugh at this idea and write it off as being “new age bullshit”. The only reason why you’re saying this is because you haven’t tried it yet. A little positive thinking never hurt anybody. And when you begin to think positive, don’t just do it in the sense of good or bad, do it in the sense of yes and no. This makes a huge difference. For example, when you’re driving to work in rush hour traffic, don’t tell yourself that you’re “not going to be late”. There’s a huge difference between not being late and being on time. Tell yourself something like “I’m going to make it” or “I’ll show up on time no problem”. According to the Law of Attraction, the guy who says “I’ll show up on time” will make it to work long before the guy who says “I’m not going to be late”. Sounds crazy, but it makes a difference. And when you give yourself positive feedback, make sure you’re in a happy and calm mood instead of being aggressively stressed out. Do whatever it takes to calm yourself down whether it’s playing a comedy album or an Enya CD. Positive thoughts will entail positive results every single time. If you want examples as to how the Law of Attraction has worked for me, listen to this. When I tried to start out small, which is what the book suggests, I kept telling myself that I was going to get fried chicken for supper and I said it with unyielding conviction. The more I told myself this, the stronger the belief became. Low and behold, the very next night, mom brings home a gigantic bag of Albertson’s Fried Chicken along with Cascade Ice drinks. Needless to say, that was one satisfying meal. Keeping with the theme of chicken, the Law of Attraction has also worked against me whenever I was highly stressed out. I was shopping at Albertson’s and was in a huge rush to get home and watch WWE Monday Night Raw. I was convinced that I was going to be late if I didn’t hurry up. I buy chicken from the counter and wait in a huge line for the checkout isle. By the time I ring myself up, the price on the chicken turned out to be $33 for eight pieces of white meat. I go back to the deli, get the price corrected, and go back into the long line for the checkout isle. When I get home to watch TV, not only did I miss the first few seconds of the show, but the chicken was dry and flavorless. So what do you say, my lovely audience. Will you buy “The Secret” and try this theory out? You’ve got nothing to lose except for the money you spent buying the book, which isn’t exactly a huge amount. Just try it. Don’t blow it off. Try it!
***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
RYBACK: Feed me more!
JIM ROSS: That’s what I say everyday.
If it hadn’t been for the 1990’s, Cartoon Network, and Toonami, I would have never known what Robotech was. From an anime standpoint, Robotech was about big ass robots beating the shit out of invading alien races. Who doesn’t love a story about giant-sized ass-beatings? But then you have the emotional aspect that goes along with just about any anime in existence. There were a lot of romances that were born from these alien wars. And thus we have the phrase, all’s fair in love and war. It was true for the first generation of Robotech where the Space Defense Fortress and her crew were battling the gigantic Zentradi. It continued to be true for the second generation where the Southern Cross were battling the Robotech Masters. And then when the Invid finally turned earth into a biological cum stain, we had Scott Bernard and his tiny group of rebels. Throughout the entire anime, we’ve had action, we’ve had romance, and we’ve had heartbreaking deaths. But the one thing I could never comprehend was why in the second generation story, the Southern Cross defense team were always beating up on Zor. Yes, he was a transplant from the Robotech Masters, but come on, let’s at least let the poor guy’s bruises heal before the next beating. To say Zor was an underdog would be an understatement. To say he was a punching bag would be closer to the truth. But before we get too far off track, I want to give you an answer to a question you probably have for me right now. You’re probably about to ask me, “Garrison, why is an anime from the 1980’s on your blog about fast-paced books?” Because thanks to two authors who wanted to be known collectively as Jack McKinney, the anime was adopted into novel format, which was perfect considering that I needed something to read during silent reading time in middle school and English class in my freshman year of high school. This stint in the Chehalis, Washington school system was LONG before I decided to become a full-time bookworm. I became one in 2009 and my career as an unofficial student bookworm started a decade before that. And I thought to myself, “Well, the classics put me to sleep quicker than a Mike Tyson punch to the jaw, so why not choose something that actually has a special place in my heart: the Robotech series!” And the great thing about this is that aside from some extra curse words and mild gore, the novels were extremely faithful to the anime. No matter what the medium, I will always root for Zor to one day kick his commanding officers in the testicles with a steel-toed boot. And for that, I thank you, Mr. Jack McKinney.
***MIXED-MARTIAL ARTS QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Bring it on, come on!”
-Steve Mazzagatti, MMA referee-
Just because the title of this graphic novel series is “Preacher”, doesn’t mean you should expect some Mickey Mouse, Veggie Tales, McGee bullshit. Yes, the main character, Jesse Custer’s, occupation is a minister, but what actually occupies his time is trying to fight off demons and angels left and right. How does he do it? With the help of a trigger-happy girlfriend named Tulip and a raunchy Irish vampire named Cassidy. Oh, and Jesse also has a powerful stare that forces its victims to do whatever the fuck he wants. If Jesse Custer wants you to go fuck yourself, that’s exactly what you’ll do. If he wants you to count the grains of sand on the beach, then be prepared for a long ass night. You can see every piece of hardcore, godless, offensive action in the first three graphic novels of the Preacher series. Each of them have blood, guts, broken bones, monstrous sex scenes, and dialogue that no bar of soap on the tongue can cure. No absence of malice in any of the first three editions. Having said that, the most disturbing of the three so far is the second one where Jesse has to survive being tortured and twisted by his devilish and bitchy grandmother. The horror she put Jesse through as a child and teenager is unspeakable, the most disgusting treatment being locking him in an underwater coffin for what seems like an eternity as punishment for going against the word of God. Throughout the entire second edition, you keep hoping and praying (no pun intended) that the grandmother gets her comeuppance. The further you read, the angrier you get at her and her cohorts. But before you punch a hole through the comic book, you should feel some sort of relief that there’s a special place in hell for people like her. You think you have fire coursing through your veins? Try living in hell for as long as the grandmother will. Constant torture and agony for a longer time than all of Jesse Custer’s underwater coffin punishments put together. This is the kind of thing you can expect from every episode of Preacher: badass action, transgression horror, and nightmares for many days to come. For all of you who say that comic books are for kids, I certainly hope you’re not talking about the Preacher series. Your kids would need so much therapy that even Bill Gates couldn’t afford to pay for it all.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“When I hear that trumpet sound, I’m gonna rise right out of the ground. Ain’t no grave can hold my body down.”
-Johnny Cash singing “Ain’t No Grave”-
When members of Generation Y think of “The Outsiders”, it will either mean one of two things. It’ll either refer to the tag team in WCW that consisted of Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, or it’ll refer to the SE Hinton novel that described the class warfare between two cliques of teenagers known as the Greasers and the Socs. As entertaining as a match with Scott Hall and Kevin Nash sounds, it can’t compare with the battle royal that took place near the end of the book between the two warring cliques. But how exactly did the two groups get to that particular moment? Exclusion. Like any clique you’ll find in high school, the Greasers and Socs were highly exclusive toward each other and therefore didn’t like one another. It’s comparable to the classic nerds vs. jocks war that constantly goes on in high school. In the case of “The Outsiders”, the Greasers were working class heroes and the Socs were spoiled rich kids. You read this book and wonder why anybody would want to bully another human being for not having the same amount of money as the one doing the bullying. It makes no real sense. For Johnny Cade and Pony-Boy Curtis, it didn’t make much sense to them either. In fact, Johnny specifically said that there shouldn’t be groups of people, just people. It may have sounded hypocritical coming from someone who was a lifer within the Greasers, but it wasn’t since those two main characters were the most sane people in the group. It’s almost like what we see in today’s political climate where some members are dubbed the “sanest people in their party.” It sounds unrealistic to someone with strong beliefs, but to an open mind, it’s always possible. But as it was, the Greasers and Socs were so close-minded toward each other that Johnny Cade slew one of the Socs with a switchblade. The only reason why it didn’t tarnish Johnny’s personal character as a voice of reason was because the murder was out of defense for his friend Pony-Boy Curtis, who was being suffocated in a park fountain. “The Outsiders” has a lot of strange dichotomies similar to this one, but the message remains crystal clear: get along or die. John Lennon tried to say this a long time ago and he got assassinated for it. It makes me wonder if mankind is ever going to change.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Don’t give me love, don’t give me faith, wisdom nor pride, give innocence instead. Don’t give me love, I’ve had my share. Beauty nor rest, give me truth instead.”
-Nightwish singing “The Crow, the Owl, and the Dove”-
