NAME: Violet Smith
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: Mixed-Martial Artist
CANON: Choice
Abortion is a sensitive topic no matter who you talk to. The mixed-martial arts community are not known for their sensitivity. So why then would I in 2012 write ten-page long story that combines both of those things? The MMA community is the same group of people who went bat shit crazy when Fallon Fox came out as a transsexual woman. How do you think they’re going to handle news of a female fighter having an abortion so that she can continue her career? They’re going to handle it the same way conservative wing nut and MMA fighter Violet Smith handled it: with hellfire and fury.
In the story known as “Choice”, the main character and fellow MMA featherweight Rachel Gustafson dispels pregnancy rumors at a press conference by sugar coating the fact that she had an abortion. Violet Smith, another featherweight and a religious zealot, screamed at Rachel and almost got in a fight with her right there at the conference. Somewhere down the line, Rachel and Violet would meet inside the eight sides of steel. Not only would Rachel win in the first round, but she would steal Violet’s abused boyfriend Neil Hahn afterwards.
I’ve always envisioned Violet Smith as being the conservative version of fellow female villain Colleen Owens. Violet is loud, obnoxious, in-your-face, crass, rude, and egotistical. To show you how much of a crazy bitch she is, in “Choice”, she compared Rachel Gustafson to kid rapist Phil Garrido in the sense of how they treat small children. If that doesn’t get your blood boiling, nothing will. That’s the kind of sick joke that causes PTSD in a lot of people. Violet Smith was the clear villain of that short story.
But did she need to be THAT much of a villain? Did she need to achieve Complete Monster status by not only traumatizing women who’ve had abortions, but also abusing her boyfriend at the time Neil Hahn? The poor guy had a 1-4 MMA record and thought he could jump start his career by hanging out with a woman who was 12-3, a former Women’s Featherweight Champion, and a multiple time post-fight bonus money winner. Neil shed the blood, sweat, and tears it took to be an MMA elite, but only because he was being slapped in the face and screamed at by Violet, criminal that she was.
As a writer, it’s my job to invoke emotions within my readers. Extreme anger may not be the best choice, which is why Violet Smith is currently in my unemployed pile. I actually had an idea of what I could do with her. I could Clockwork Orange her ass! Yeah! If she wants to go around beating up helpless women and downtrodden men, let her pay the same price as Alex De Large.
She could be shown films of anti-abortion and other Christian crusaders committing violence while a Demon Hunter, Skillet, or We As Human song is playing in the background. And then afterwards she can confront the ghosts of those she hurt in a sensory deprivation chamber, but that’s not Clockwork Orange, that’s Tales From the Hood’s fourth story Hardcore Convert.
But if I put Violet Smith through a Clockwork Orange storyline, will she be as defiant as she was when she was free or will she break down and have a moment of clarity? Can she really look a hallucination of Rachel Gustafson in the eyes and ask for forgiveness? Can she do the same thing to real life female MMA fighters like Liz Carmouche and Raquel Pennington, who are both openly lesbian and probably offended by Violet’s zeal?
But since this is an MMA fighter we’re talking about, maybe instead of confronting the hallucinations and giving them a bunch of false answers, we could have an actual match. Yeah! If Violet is really as remorseless as she says she is, let’s see if she can put Jessica Andrade in a rear-naked choke or TKO Fallon Fox into oblivion. If that’s the case, she won’t be winning any major championships. She’ll be showing the prison guards that she’s far from ready for normal society.
The Clockwork Orange angle is just one possibility that I’ve thought about. There are so many other things she can do. She can be a Dungeons & Dragons cleric for all I care. And since she’s good at unarmed combat, she can probably be a cleric and monk homebrew class. She can tell people to “Choose life!” while throwing a flying bullet kick a la Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat. But no matter what role she took, she will always be a villain due to her obnoxious Complete Monster mentality. In the case of D&D, she would be a level five lawful evil cleric/monk. Violet, have you met my good friends Deus Shadowheart and Brutus Warcry? They’re dying to get to know you! Hehe!
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“I apologize, you son of a bitch!”
-Vince McMahon to CM Punk-
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Friday, May 29, 2015
Danger Mouse
TV SHOW TITLE: Danger Mouse
CREATORS: Brian Cosgrove and Mark Hall
YEARS ACTIVE: 1981-1992
GENRE: Children’s Spy Comedy
RATING: TV-Y
GRADE: Pass
In merry old London, England, the world’s greatest secret agent Danger Mouse and his trusty, yet clumsy hamster sidekick Penfold constantly save humanity from the hostile takeovers of the evil toad Baron Greenback and his sinister crow henchman Stiletto. Mr. Greenback has tried everything from weaponizing laundry machines to stealing the world’s landmarks in an attempt to drop them all on the unsuspecting heroes. With impeccable martial arts skills, a crafty personality, and the occasional help of his dimwitted hamster friend, Danger Mouse can overcome any obstacle Greenback throws his way.
Watching this TV show as a kid and again as a freshman college student was an entertaining experience that made me feel giddy and warm inside. Part of the reason is because of the show’s sarcastic tongue-in-cheek dialogue, which is appealing to both children and adults. One example is when Danger Mouse and Penfold are riding around in the former’s flying car and DM says, “The engine’s knocking!” Penfold, being the lovable moron that he is says, “Does it want to come in?”, to which DM politely says, “Shush!” Even little catchphrases like Danger Mouse’s “Shush!” and Penfold’s “Crumbs!” and “Oh, heck!” can make the viewers feel like playtime will never end. Then again, with Penfold being as cute and cuddly as he is with his mole-like features, tiny blue suit, and thick-rimmed glasses, childhood innocence is beginning all over again! Aww!
If you still need a reason to be excited about an episode of Danger Mouse, look no further than the open and closing theme music. With fast-paced and dramatic music accompanying the lyrics, the wife of David Jason (the voice of Danger Mouse) proudly sings, “He’s the greatest! He’s fantastic! Wherever there is danger, he’ll be there! Danger Mouse! Powerhouse! He’s the strongest, he’s the quickest, he’s the best!” David Jason’s wife (whose Gaelic name I can’t spell or pronounce to save my life) no doubt has a lovely voice that’s full of emotion, which is what contributes to the drama of the theme music. As a kid, the music did startle me a little bit, especially during the end credits when a round bomb was being exploded. As an adult, I embrace every note and lyric.
While it is true that the original version of Danger Mouse was ended in 1992 (when I was only seven years old), the legacy it left behind is alive and well. There are full episodes of Danger Mouse on You Tube as well as Hulu or any other digital channel you might have on your TV or computer. If you’ve seen all of the old episodes and want something new, know that sometime in 2015, the show will be revived under a new format and Stephen Fry will be one of the voice actors. Stephen Fry, man! Stephen Fry! If you’re worried about the revived version being able to live up to the potential that the old version had, don’t sweat it. It will still have the same British gentlemanly spirit, the giggly dialogue, and the mass age appeal. Or to put it in a way that makes use of my rhyming skills, Generation Z is the place to be! You’re darn right this is getting a passing grade!
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
DANGER MOUSE: Come, Penfold! Help me find the manual so that I can stop this train!
PENFOLD: But I don’t speak Spanish!
DANGER MOUSE: Not Manuel, Penfold…ugh, never mind!
-Danger Mouse’s Orient Express Episode-
CREATORS: Brian Cosgrove and Mark Hall
YEARS ACTIVE: 1981-1992
GENRE: Children’s Spy Comedy
RATING: TV-Y
GRADE: Pass
In merry old London, England, the world’s greatest secret agent Danger Mouse and his trusty, yet clumsy hamster sidekick Penfold constantly save humanity from the hostile takeovers of the evil toad Baron Greenback and his sinister crow henchman Stiletto. Mr. Greenback has tried everything from weaponizing laundry machines to stealing the world’s landmarks in an attempt to drop them all on the unsuspecting heroes. With impeccable martial arts skills, a crafty personality, and the occasional help of his dimwitted hamster friend, Danger Mouse can overcome any obstacle Greenback throws his way.
Watching this TV show as a kid and again as a freshman college student was an entertaining experience that made me feel giddy and warm inside. Part of the reason is because of the show’s sarcastic tongue-in-cheek dialogue, which is appealing to both children and adults. One example is when Danger Mouse and Penfold are riding around in the former’s flying car and DM says, “The engine’s knocking!” Penfold, being the lovable moron that he is says, “Does it want to come in?”, to which DM politely says, “Shush!” Even little catchphrases like Danger Mouse’s “Shush!” and Penfold’s “Crumbs!” and “Oh, heck!” can make the viewers feel like playtime will never end. Then again, with Penfold being as cute and cuddly as he is with his mole-like features, tiny blue suit, and thick-rimmed glasses, childhood innocence is beginning all over again! Aww!
If you still need a reason to be excited about an episode of Danger Mouse, look no further than the open and closing theme music. With fast-paced and dramatic music accompanying the lyrics, the wife of David Jason (the voice of Danger Mouse) proudly sings, “He’s the greatest! He’s fantastic! Wherever there is danger, he’ll be there! Danger Mouse! Powerhouse! He’s the strongest, he’s the quickest, he’s the best!” David Jason’s wife (whose Gaelic name I can’t spell or pronounce to save my life) no doubt has a lovely voice that’s full of emotion, which is what contributes to the drama of the theme music. As a kid, the music did startle me a little bit, especially during the end credits when a round bomb was being exploded. As an adult, I embrace every note and lyric.
While it is true that the original version of Danger Mouse was ended in 1992 (when I was only seven years old), the legacy it left behind is alive and well. There are full episodes of Danger Mouse on You Tube as well as Hulu or any other digital channel you might have on your TV or computer. If you’ve seen all of the old episodes and want something new, know that sometime in 2015, the show will be revived under a new format and Stephen Fry will be one of the voice actors. Stephen Fry, man! Stephen Fry! If you’re worried about the revived version being able to live up to the potential that the old version had, don’t sweat it. It will still have the same British gentlemanly spirit, the giggly dialogue, and the mass age appeal. Or to put it in a way that makes use of my rhyming skills, Generation Z is the place to be! You’re darn right this is getting a passing grade!
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
DANGER MOUSE: Come, Penfold! Help me find the manual so that I can stop this train!
PENFOLD: But I don’t speak Spanish!
DANGER MOUSE: Not Manuel, Penfold…ugh, never mind!
-Danger Mouse’s Orient Express Episode-
Monday, May 25, 2015
Clerks II
MOVIE TITLE: Clerks II
DIRECTOR: Kevin Smith
YEAR: 2006
GENRE: Comedy
RATING: R for vulgar language and bestiality
GRADE: Pass
Dante Hicks shows up for work at the Quick Stop Convenience Store only to find out it burned to the ground after a coffee pot was negligently left on overnight. Fast forward to the present where he and his best friend Randal Graves now have jobs at a fast food restaurant. Randal still takes pleasure in screwing with the customers while Dante does what he did in the first movie and “over-compensates for having what’s basically a monkey’s job”. That, and Dante has another love triangle to take care of now that Caitlin and Veronica are gone from his life.
A comedy can only be a comedy if it’s funny. When I first saw this movie with my dad when it came out in theaters, I was laughing my ass off throughout the entire thing. It’s been twelve years since the first Clerks movie and Randal Graves still has his silver tongue. He even has an alternative ending to the Lord of the Rings movies since they’re not entertaining enough due to the constant walking scenes. He also has an interesting take on how “porch monkey” shouldn’t be a racial slur, but a normal insult.
And to top the whole thing off, for a going away party for Dante, he buys him a donkey show. If you don’t know what a donkey show is, don’t ask me, because I actually want to maintain my appetite. If it seems like I’m telling instead of showing, it’s because I want you to see these crass, but funny jokes for yourself and find your own laughter. When I was a kid, my dad used to spoil jokes for me by saying what they were before they happened on TV (because I would laugh twice that way). That drove me nuts.
In addition to being a hyena laugh comedy, Clerks II also has some serious philosophical messages that should be noted. Just like in the first movie with Caitlin and Veronica, Dante finds himself in a love triangle, but with two different women. He’s scheduled to marry a woman named Emma and go to Florida with her to get his life on the right track and start a car wash business.
Meanwhile, Dante is actually in love with his boss at the fast food joint Becky, who midway through the movie tells him that she’s pregnant. Right here it seems appropriate to quote a famous Glenn Frey song: “Are you going to stay with the one who loves you or are you going back to the one you love. Someone’s going to cry when they know they’ve lost you and someone’s going to thank their stars above.”
Which brings me to the main philosophical point the movie makes: live your life the way it makes sense to you and don’t let society’s standards dictate who you should be. Randal already knows what he wants from life: to eat free food, watch movies, insult customers, and hang out with Dante all day long, just like he did when he worked at RST Video. It’s not the most glamorous way to make a living, but it’s what Randal loves and nobody’s going to tell him he’s wrong.
Dante on the other hand is so much of a conformist that he’d rather go to Florida with Emma (who he could care less about) so that he can start a new life and be a “winner” in the eyes of the public. He doesn’t realize until the end of the movie that in making this bold move, he’s abandoning his best friend of many decades Randal and tearing him apart in the process. Dante is basically trading his individuality for a piece of the pie and part of his individuality is his longtime friendship with Randal.
A lot of Kevin Smith fans, my dad included, are firm believers that the first Clerks movie can never be topped. I respectfully disagree. When I saw this movie in 2006, I needed a good laugh due to my mental illness getting the best of me. Clerks II provided constant laughs throughout the entire movie and made me believe in life again. In fact, my horse laugh made everyone else in the movie theater laugh twice. They’d laugh once at the jokes in the movie and laugh again when they heard my own laugh. If you though that was something, wait until Clerks III comes out!
***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“I really wish you would have told me this when I first met you, that one day you were going to bail on our friendship. If I would have known you were going to flake on me a couple decades later, I wouldn’t have even bothered with your ass in the first place.”
-Randal to Dante-
DIRECTOR: Kevin Smith
YEAR: 2006
GENRE: Comedy
RATING: R for vulgar language and bestiality
GRADE: Pass
Dante Hicks shows up for work at the Quick Stop Convenience Store only to find out it burned to the ground after a coffee pot was negligently left on overnight. Fast forward to the present where he and his best friend Randal Graves now have jobs at a fast food restaurant. Randal still takes pleasure in screwing with the customers while Dante does what he did in the first movie and “over-compensates for having what’s basically a monkey’s job”. That, and Dante has another love triangle to take care of now that Caitlin and Veronica are gone from his life.
A comedy can only be a comedy if it’s funny. When I first saw this movie with my dad when it came out in theaters, I was laughing my ass off throughout the entire thing. It’s been twelve years since the first Clerks movie and Randal Graves still has his silver tongue. He even has an alternative ending to the Lord of the Rings movies since they’re not entertaining enough due to the constant walking scenes. He also has an interesting take on how “porch monkey” shouldn’t be a racial slur, but a normal insult.
And to top the whole thing off, for a going away party for Dante, he buys him a donkey show. If you don’t know what a donkey show is, don’t ask me, because I actually want to maintain my appetite. If it seems like I’m telling instead of showing, it’s because I want you to see these crass, but funny jokes for yourself and find your own laughter. When I was a kid, my dad used to spoil jokes for me by saying what they were before they happened on TV (because I would laugh twice that way). That drove me nuts.
In addition to being a hyena laugh comedy, Clerks II also has some serious philosophical messages that should be noted. Just like in the first movie with Caitlin and Veronica, Dante finds himself in a love triangle, but with two different women. He’s scheduled to marry a woman named Emma and go to Florida with her to get his life on the right track and start a car wash business.
Meanwhile, Dante is actually in love with his boss at the fast food joint Becky, who midway through the movie tells him that she’s pregnant. Right here it seems appropriate to quote a famous Glenn Frey song: “Are you going to stay with the one who loves you or are you going back to the one you love. Someone’s going to cry when they know they’ve lost you and someone’s going to thank their stars above.”
Which brings me to the main philosophical point the movie makes: live your life the way it makes sense to you and don’t let society’s standards dictate who you should be. Randal already knows what he wants from life: to eat free food, watch movies, insult customers, and hang out with Dante all day long, just like he did when he worked at RST Video. It’s not the most glamorous way to make a living, but it’s what Randal loves and nobody’s going to tell him he’s wrong.
Dante on the other hand is so much of a conformist that he’d rather go to Florida with Emma (who he could care less about) so that he can start a new life and be a “winner” in the eyes of the public. He doesn’t realize until the end of the movie that in making this bold move, he’s abandoning his best friend of many decades Randal and tearing him apart in the process. Dante is basically trading his individuality for a piece of the pie and part of his individuality is his longtime friendship with Randal.
A lot of Kevin Smith fans, my dad included, are firm believers that the first Clerks movie can never be topped. I respectfully disagree. When I saw this movie in 2006, I needed a good laugh due to my mental illness getting the best of me. Clerks II provided constant laughs throughout the entire movie and made me believe in life again. In fact, my horse laugh made everyone else in the movie theater laugh twice. They’d laugh once at the jokes in the movie and laugh again when they heard my own laugh. If you though that was something, wait until Clerks III comes out!
***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“I really wish you would have told me this when I first met you, that one day you were going to bail on our friendship. If I would have known you were going to flake on me a couple decades later, I wouldn’t have even bothered with your ass in the first place.”
-Randal to Dante-
Friday, May 22, 2015
Lawrence Moody
NAME: Lawrence Moody
AGE: 43
OCCUPATION: Romance Author
CANON: It’s Just a Story
Whenever a celebrity is accused of bigotry, it can be a traumatizing experience for that person, especially if he or she is innocent of those charges. Does anybody remember a former UFC bantamweight fighter named Miguel Torres? He was once fired from the company for tweeting a rape joke.
The backlash against him was brutal and maybe he deserved some of that. But in order to ease himself of the trauma, he donated his time and money to rape shelters in Chicago and took sensitivity classes. He was subsequently rehired by the UFC. Dana White could be quoted as saying, “Everybody fucks up. It’s what you do afterwards that makes you who you are.”
And thus we have a segue into Lawrence Moody, a romance author who gears his books toward piggish male fantasies and responds to his critics not by apologizing or taking sensitivity classes, but by physically assaulting them or arranging to have them beaten by police or security detail. The most disgusting part about this? Most of his critics are women and Lawrence is much bigger than all of them.
It didn’t help matters that Lawrence was dating a Filipino model named Venice Reyes and used her sexy photographs as part of the covers to his novels. If anybody needed to be convinced of Lawrence’s “innocence”, it was Venice. The couple got into many arguments over the subject of sexism, mostly while trying to get away from angry female protesters who threw eggs with stinging impact.
Lawrence could do his damnedest to try and convince Venice that he was just a normal guy and not a bigot, but when she actually read his recent novel, she found out what exactly it was he was promoting: wife swapping. Their final argument ended when Lawrence accidentally shoved Venice down the stairs of their home and crushed her skull. The story concluded with Mr. Moody turning himself in to the police.
The fact that I didn’t get any backlash from writing this 12-page story was a stroke of luck. After all, Lawrence was portrayed as the hero and the feminist protesters and critics were the evil antagonists. Originally, I wrote this story to prove the point that zeal, no matter what form it comes in, is no good for anybody. But instead it read like a chauvinist manifesto that I’m now ashamed of.
While it didn’t happen for this story, I have been accused of bigotry before whether it was against women, children, or just plain guys from the deep south. Suffering that wave of verbal assaults was traumatizing for me. Sometimes I would respond by screaming in my critics’ faces and it would bring about even more backlash than before. When I actually apologized for my actions and told the truth of not being bigoted, things calmed down and were much happier for me.
Over the years, I’ve learned being diplomatic is better than being violent. Hatred breeds more hatred while love breeds more love. During the times I was accused of bigotry, I wasn’t aware that I was being prejudiced in the first place. I actually thought those things were normal. Thanks to a broader worldview and a lot of experience, I know how to cool down the fires I start, intentional or not.
If I ever do use Lawrence Moody again, it won’t be in a heroic fashion. He will be portrayed as an example of what NOT to do if you’re an artist of any kind. He will be aggressive. He will be unsympathetic. He will be everything my audience hates in a villain. When he is conquered by his own boiling cauldron of hot rage, he will deserve every minute of his suffering.
He may take the form of a sexist romance author. He may be a politician. He may even be part of the top one-percent of the top one-percent, in which case, he better be ready for Mr. Robot to serve his ass on a platter. No matter what role he takes, Lawrence Moody will never speak for my misguided past ever again.
***CELEBRITY QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If a man wants you for your breasts, thighs, and legs, send him to KFC. You’re a lady, not a cheap value meal.”
-Nicholas Cage-
AGE: 43
OCCUPATION: Romance Author
CANON: It’s Just a Story
Whenever a celebrity is accused of bigotry, it can be a traumatizing experience for that person, especially if he or she is innocent of those charges. Does anybody remember a former UFC bantamweight fighter named Miguel Torres? He was once fired from the company for tweeting a rape joke.
The backlash against him was brutal and maybe he deserved some of that. But in order to ease himself of the trauma, he donated his time and money to rape shelters in Chicago and took sensitivity classes. He was subsequently rehired by the UFC. Dana White could be quoted as saying, “Everybody fucks up. It’s what you do afterwards that makes you who you are.”
And thus we have a segue into Lawrence Moody, a romance author who gears his books toward piggish male fantasies and responds to his critics not by apologizing or taking sensitivity classes, but by physically assaulting them or arranging to have them beaten by police or security detail. The most disgusting part about this? Most of his critics are women and Lawrence is much bigger than all of them.
It didn’t help matters that Lawrence was dating a Filipino model named Venice Reyes and used her sexy photographs as part of the covers to his novels. If anybody needed to be convinced of Lawrence’s “innocence”, it was Venice. The couple got into many arguments over the subject of sexism, mostly while trying to get away from angry female protesters who threw eggs with stinging impact.
Lawrence could do his damnedest to try and convince Venice that he was just a normal guy and not a bigot, but when she actually read his recent novel, she found out what exactly it was he was promoting: wife swapping. Their final argument ended when Lawrence accidentally shoved Venice down the stairs of their home and crushed her skull. The story concluded with Mr. Moody turning himself in to the police.
The fact that I didn’t get any backlash from writing this 12-page story was a stroke of luck. After all, Lawrence was portrayed as the hero and the feminist protesters and critics were the evil antagonists. Originally, I wrote this story to prove the point that zeal, no matter what form it comes in, is no good for anybody. But instead it read like a chauvinist manifesto that I’m now ashamed of.
While it didn’t happen for this story, I have been accused of bigotry before whether it was against women, children, or just plain guys from the deep south. Suffering that wave of verbal assaults was traumatizing for me. Sometimes I would respond by screaming in my critics’ faces and it would bring about even more backlash than before. When I actually apologized for my actions and told the truth of not being bigoted, things calmed down and were much happier for me.
Over the years, I’ve learned being diplomatic is better than being violent. Hatred breeds more hatred while love breeds more love. During the times I was accused of bigotry, I wasn’t aware that I was being prejudiced in the first place. I actually thought those things were normal. Thanks to a broader worldview and a lot of experience, I know how to cool down the fires I start, intentional or not.
If I ever do use Lawrence Moody again, it won’t be in a heroic fashion. He will be portrayed as an example of what NOT to do if you’re an artist of any kind. He will be aggressive. He will be unsympathetic. He will be everything my audience hates in a villain. When he is conquered by his own boiling cauldron of hot rage, he will deserve every minute of his suffering.
He may take the form of a sexist romance author. He may be a politician. He may even be part of the top one-percent of the top one-percent, in which case, he better be ready for Mr. Robot to serve his ass on a platter. No matter what role he takes, Lawrence Moody will never speak for my misguided past ever again.
***CELEBRITY QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If a man wants you for your breasts, thighs, and legs, send him to KFC. You’re a lady, not a cheap value meal.”
-Nicholas Cage-
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
"Of Dice and Men" by David M. Ewalt
BOOK TITLE: Of Dice and Men: The Story of Dungeons & Dragons and the People Who Play It
AUTHOR: David M. Ewalt
YEAR: 2013
GENRE: Nonfiction
SUBGENRE: Biography and Memoir
GRADE: Extra Credit
In this tribute to Dungeons & Dragons, David M. Ewalt combines nonfiction genres when he gives a detailed history of the franchise and shares some of his own experiences and in-game stories with the RPG. There are many ways to describe playing this game: a creative outlet, a social experience, a storytelling class, a geek’s heaven, but more importantly, a way for people to have fun. It’s not just for “geeks and freaks” anymore. It’s also not for “satanic devil worshipers”. Playing D&D is an enriching experience everybody can get in on regardless of age and interests.
The biography portion of this book is so accurate and well-researched that you won’t find a better timeline of D&D’s birth anywhere else. Games have been around since the early BC days, even among cavemen dancing around and telling stories. Playing was free and spontaneous. And then there were rules to keep things fair, which ultimately led to the centuries old board game chess. And then the chess board was modified to depict reenactments of famous wars in what would ultimately be called Kriegsspiel, or War Games. And Gary Gygax and David Arneson started replacing human soldier miniature tokens with dragons, goblins, and wizards. Instead of historic battlefields, they were replaced with castles and labyrinths. Making all of those modifications over time took a lot creativity and individuality to do. When the imagination gets flowing, anything is possible and the results are beautiful to watch.
The memoir portion is just as much fun to read as the historical side of things. David M. Ewalt describes playing Dungeons & Dragons with his friends as an experience that not only stimulates creativity, but also bonds the friendships between the players. He is a lifelong D&D fan and has traveled all over the world just to have his imagination tickled by these colorful scenarios. He even went to Geneva Lake, Wisconsin to pay tribute to Gary Gygax and compared it to a religious pilgrimage to Mecca. Being passionate about a role-playing game doesn’t make anybody an outcast or a dork. Passion is something we all must have in the things we do. It’s what drives us to do our best and ultimately reach our goals. David’s passion led him to a sharper mind, multiple nerd-gasms, and an awesome nonfiction book deal about his favorite pastime, Dungeons & Dragons.
And now here’s the reason this book is getting an extra credit grade, or for you Good Reads members, five out of five stars. I used to give five star ratings to pretty much anything that was enjoyable. Over the years, things have become more complicated than that. To earn a five star review from me these days, you as an author have to blow me away and leave me a changed man. Of Dice and Men did just that. It made me want to play Dungeons & Dragons once again. It fed my creativity with awesome storyline possibilities and tactical game play.
If only I could find some players to join me in this mind-bending experience, then my energy and passion for this game will leave me whole again. Dungeons & Dragons isn’t just a game; it’s a religious experience. Just for being the biggest piece in the puzzle when creating the game, Gary Gygax will always be one of my personal heroes. He’s probably smiling down upon Mr. Ewalt for invoking his venerable spirit, which is something that can be done by a level 15 cleric. I want to play again and my inner geek won’t be satisfied until I do. I’m like the lonely single guy who doesn’t have a girlfriend and only has internet porn to rely on. It’s a bit of a stretch, but it’s accurate for how this book made me feel about getting back in the game. Someday, my friends. Someday. Thank you, Mr. Ewalt, for bringing out my nerdy aura once again.
And by the way, if Clue was played with Dungeons & Dragons rules, you could beat a confession out of Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe and have sex with Miss Scarlet on the table of the conservatory. Also, if you open the closet to Narnia and you see a McDonald’s, something is desperately wrong here. Get used to hearing this kind of silver-tongued humor throughout the book. After all, if you’re not laughing, you’re not living!
AUTHOR: David M. Ewalt
YEAR: 2013
GENRE: Nonfiction
SUBGENRE: Biography and Memoir
GRADE: Extra Credit
In this tribute to Dungeons & Dragons, David M. Ewalt combines nonfiction genres when he gives a detailed history of the franchise and shares some of his own experiences and in-game stories with the RPG. There are many ways to describe playing this game: a creative outlet, a social experience, a storytelling class, a geek’s heaven, but more importantly, a way for people to have fun. It’s not just for “geeks and freaks” anymore. It’s also not for “satanic devil worshipers”. Playing D&D is an enriching experience everybody can get in on regardless of age and interests.
The biography portion of this book is so accurate and well-researched that you won’t find a better timeline of D&D’s birth anywhere else. Games have been around since the early BC days, even among cavemen dancing around and telling stories. Playing was free and spontaneous. And then there were rules to keep things fair, which ultimately led to the centuries old board game chess. And then the chess board was modified to depict reenactments of famous wars in what would ultimately be called Kriegsspiel, or War Games. And Gary Gygax and David Arneson started replacing human soldier miniature tokens with dragons, goblins, and wizards. Instead of historic battlefields, they were replaced with castles and labyrinths. Making all of those modifications over time took a lot creativity and individuality to do. When the imagination gets flowing, anything is possible and the results are beautiful to watch.
The memoir portion is just as much fun to read as the historical side of things. David M. Ewalt describes playing Dungeons & Dragons with his friends as an experience that not only stimulates creativity, but also bonds the friendships between the players. He is a lifelong D&D fan and has traveled all over the world just to have his imagination tickled by these colorful scenarios. He even went to Geneva Lake, Wisconsin to pay tribute to Gary Gygax and compared it to a religious pilgrimage to Mecca. Being passionate about a role-playing game doesn’t make anybody an outcast or a dork. Passion is something we all must have in the things we do. It’s what drives us to do our best and ultimately reach our goals. David’s passion led him to a sharper mind, multiple nerd-gasms, and an awesome nonfiction book deal about his favorite pastime, Dungeons & Dragons.
And now here’s the reason this book is getting an extra credit grade, or for you Good Reads members, five out of five stars. I used to give five star ratings to pretty much anything that was enjoyable. Over the years, things have become more complicated than that. To earn a five star review from me these days, you as an author have to blow me away and leave me a changed man. Of Dice and Men did just that. It made me want to play Dungeons & Dragons once again. It fed my creativity with awesome storyline possibilities and tactical game play.
If only I could find some players to join me in this mind-bending experience, then my energy and passion for this game will leave me whole again. Dungeons & Dragons isn’t just a game; it’s a religious experience. Just for being the biggest piece in the puzzle when creating the game, Gary Gygax will always be one of my personal heroes. He’s probably smiling down upon Mr. Ewalt for invoking his venerable spirit, which is something that can be done by a level 15 cleric. I want to play again and my inner geek won’t be satisfied until I do. I’m like the lonely single guy who doesn’t have a girlfriend and only has internet porn to rely on. It’s a bit of a stretch, but it’s accurate for how this book made me feel about getting back in the game. Someday, my friends. Someday. Thank you, Mr. Ewalt, for bringing out my nerdy aura once again.
And by the way, if Clue was played with Dungeons & Dragons rules, you could beat a confession out of Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe and have sex with Miss Scarlet on the table of the conservatory. Also, if you open the closet to Narnia and you see a McDonald’s, something is desperately wrong here. Get used to hearing this kind of silver-tongued humor throughout the book. After all, if you’re not laughing, you’re not living!
Friday, May 15, 2015
Caribbean Cutthroats (DJ Rouge and Riff De La Luka)
CANON: Caribbean Cutthroat
NAME: DJ Rouge
AGE: 21
OCCUPATION: Cocaine Harvester
NAME: Riff De La Luka
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: Street Guitarist
Let me ask you all a practical question. How is it that a West African drug worker (DJ Rouge) becomes part of a team called The Caribbean Cutthroats if those two locales are separated by a big fucking body of water like the Atlantic Ocean? Maybe Mr. Rouge is a Caribbean transplant. Either that or the whole thinking behind this would-be anime series was completely misguided and uneducated.
The idea for the weekly television show Caribbean Cutthroat was conceived after listening to “Peruvian Cocaine” by Immortal Technique and misinterpreting the lyrics. Immortal Technique is an articulate speaker; how exactly does someone like me misunderstand what he’s trying to say?
Because when I first heard the song, I was 19 years old and had the maturity of someone half my age, which meant no research and an unwise worldview. For further insight as to what the hell I was thinking, here’s how the series was supposed to go before I pulled the plug after two episodes.
For the first ten episodes of the anime series, DJ Rouge and Riff De La Luka were going to venture around the Caribbean and into South America drumming up as much cocaine business as possible. This unlikely pairing of the quiet and introverted sword-slinger DJ and the loudmouthed and boisterous capoeira fighter Riff had to constantly watch each other’s backs despite DJ being highly annoyed with his partner’s loud ways. American and Columbian assassins both wanted DJ and Riff’s heads on pikes. Sometimes the two governments had to compete with each other just to see who got the kill.
But DJ and Riff weren’t killed. They were sent to a Colorado prison for all of the drug charges as well as the murders of several government agents. The next ten episodes of Caribbean Cutthroat were supposed to document their time in jail. All the sodomy, all the beatings, and all the heartache of growing old behind bars would have made for a depressing anime series. Sadness and anime weren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, but this was taking it to an entirely different level. And this was going to be for ten whole thirty-minute episodes. That’s 300 minutes of brutal prison action. All for what? A small sense of false hope?
Even though only ten episodes were ordered for Caribbean Cutthroat’s prison point, several decades went by before DJ and Riff were released into American society. They could have been deported back to their respective home countries, but that would have actually made sense and my 19-year-old self wouldn’t have wanted it that way. Instead, old man Riff De La Luka, who somehow retained his positive charm throughout his many decades in prison, found delight in being a toilet cleaner for a local school. If he ever did have pain on the inside, he was doing a damn good job of hiding it.
DJ Rouge made no attempt to hide his own pain. He was miserable upon being released. He somehow found work pumping gas despite the fact that he could never smile or put on a brave face for his customers. Naturally, he didn’t get any tips, only derision from the jerk-off customers. Even his boss thought he was too melodramatic.
All the rage and sorrow boiling inside DJ’s body would eventually explode in the final episode of Caribbean Cutthroat, where he would attempt to commit suicide and make a public example of himself in the process. He wanted his death to have a huge impact on society, but the one person who was finally able to talk him down was old man Riff De La Luka. It was Riff’s positive charm that bonded the two former drug runners together after all this time of being annoyed at each other.
Oh, and can you guess how many episodes were ordered just for this miserable display of sadness? Ten. Altogether, that’s 30 episodes building towards Riff and DJ finally becoming best of friends (Riff had no problems with their relationship, but DJ did). The first ten episodes were fun and adventurous. The next twenty episodes were about sorrow and pathos. You think any TV executive in Japan is going to take this would-be anime seriously enough to produce it? I don’t think so.
Even with all of my fantasies of publishing this anime under a new division of Gracie Films called Gracie Anime, it wasn’t going to unfold. The logo for Gracie Anime would have been a samurai shushing people with his katana instead of his finger while the words “Gracie Anime” would be superimposed on a full moon in the night sky. Good fantasy, but not good enough for reality.
DJ Rouge and Riff De La Luka need new jobs and those jobs aren’t cleaning toilets or pumping gas. They probably won’t be drug smugglers either. These two warriors are the closest things to gaijin samurais I have. Wait a minute. Gaijin samurai? Oh, that opens the door to a lot of possibilities! We already have street samurais in Shadowrun canons and hip-hop samurais in the form of Mugen and Jin from Samurai Champloo. Do you think DJ and Riff deserve a piece of the pie? I do! But sometimes it’s better for the main characters to nibble on the pie crust before eating the whole fucking thing. Wouldn’t want them to get upset tummies.
***RANT OF THE DAY***
“There’s a market for everything, man! There’s a market for pet psychologists! There’s a market for twisted shit fetish videos! For nipple rings! For River Dancing! For chocolate-covered roaches! But you can’t find one for hardcore hip-hop?!”
-Immortal Technique-
NAME: DJ Rouge
AGE: 21
OCCUPATION: Cocaine Harvester
NAME: Riff De La Luka
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: Street Guitarist
Let me ask you all a practical question. How is it that a West African drug worker (DJ Rouge) becomes part of a team called The Caribbean Cutthroats if those two locales are separated by a big fucking body of water like the Atlantic Ocean? Maybe Mr. Rouge is a Caribbean transplant. Either that or the whole thinking behind this would-be anime series was completely misguided and uneducated.
The idea for the weekly television show Caribbean Cutthroat was conceived after listening to “Peruvian Cocaine” by Immortal Technique and misinterpreting the lyrics. Immortal Technique is an articulate speaker; how exactly does someone like me misunderstand what he’s trying to say?
Because when I first heard the song, I was 19 years old and had the maturity of someone half my age, which meant no research and an unwise worldview. For further insight as to what the hell I was thinking, here’s how the series was supposed to go before I pulled the plug after two episodes.
For the first ten episodes of the anime series, DJ Rouge and Riff De La Luka were going to venture around the Caribbean and into South America drumming up as much cocaine business as possible. This unlikely pairing of the quiet and introverted sword-slinger DJ and the loudmouthed and boisterous capoeira fighter Riff had to constantly watch each other’s backs despite DJ being highly annoyed with his partner’s loud ways. American and Columbian assassins both wanted DJ and Riff’s heads on pikes. Sometimes the two governments had to compete with each other just to see who got the kill.
But DJ and Riff weren’t killed. They were sent to a Colorado prison for all of the drug charges as well as the murders of several government agents. The next ten episodes of Caribbean Cutthroat were supposed to document their time in jail. All the sodomy, all the beatings, and all the heartache of growing old behind bars would have made for a depressing anime series. Sadness and anime weren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, but this was taking it to an entirely different level. And this was going to be for ten whole thirty-minute episodes. That’s 300 minutes of brutal prison action. All for what? A small sense of false hope?
Even though only ten episodes were ordered for Caribbean Cutthroat’s prison point, several decades went by before DJ and Riff were released into American society. They could have been deported back to their respective home countries, but that would have actually made sense and my 19-year-old self wouldn’t have wanted it that way. Instead, old man Riff De La Luka, who somehow retained his positive charm throughout his many decades in prison, found delight in being a toilet cleaner for a local school. If he ever did have pain on the inside, he was doing a damn good job of hiding it.
DJ Rouge made no attempt to hide his own pain. He was miserable upon being released. He somehow found work pumping gas despite the fact that he could never smile or put on a brave face for his customers. Naturally, he didn’t get any tips, only derision from the jerk-off customers. Even his boss thought he was too melodramatic.
All the rage and sorrow boiling inside DJ’s body would eventually explode in the final episode of Caribbean Cutthroat, where he would attempt to commit suicide and make a public example of himself in the process. He wanted his death to have a huge impact on society, but the one person who was finally able to talk him down was old man Riff De La Luka. It was Riff’s positive charm that bonded the two former drug runners together after all this time of being annoyed at each other.
Oh, and can you guess how many episodes were ordered just for this miserable display of sadness? Ten. Altogether, that’s 30 episodes building towards Riff and DJ finally becoming best of friends (Riff had no problems with their relationship, but DJ did). The first ten episodes were fun and adventurous. The next twenty episodes were about sorrow and pathos. You think any TV executive in Japan is going to take this would-be anime seriously enough to produce it? I don’t think so.
Even with all of my fantasies of publishing this anime under a new division of Gracie Films called Gracie Anime, it wasn’t going to unfold. The logo for Gracie Anime would have been a samurai shushing people with his katana instead of his finger while the words “Gracie Anime” would be superimposed on a full moon in the night sky. Good fantasy, but not good enough for reality.
DJ Rouge and Riff De La Luka need new jobs and those jobs aren’t cleaning toilets or pumping gas. They probably won’t be drug smugglers either. These two warriors are the closest things to gaijin samurais I have. Wait a minute. Gaijin samurai? Oh, that opens the door to a lot of possibilities! We already have street samurais in Shadowrun canons and hip-hop samurais in the form of Mugen and Jin from Samurai Champloo. Do you think DJ and Riff deserve a piece of the pie? I do! But sometimes it’s better for the main characters to nibble on the pie crust before eating the whole fucking thing. Wouldn’t want them to get upset tummies.
***RANT OF THE DAY***
“There’s a market for everything, man! There’s a market for pet psychologists! There’s a market for twisted shit fetish videos! For nipple rings! For River Dancing! For chocolate-covered roaches! But you can’t find one for hardcore hip-hop?!”
-Immortal Technique-
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Rachel Phoenix
NAME: Rachel Phoenix
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: Elf Assassin
CANON: Tree Party Nation
With the way the 2010 D&D movie script Tree Party Nation was written, alignments were in multiple shades of gray instead of complete black and white. There were no good guys and bad guys and if there were, it would be hard to tell them apart. On one side of the battle, you have a group of environmentally conscious warriors called the Tree Party Nation, who have noble intentions of preserving their forest home, but go about it in a violent and sadistic way. The other side of the battle is Myles Blood’s Goliath Kingdom, where chopping down trees might seem cruel and unusual, but it does give his citizens good-paying jobs and develops his city. Two ambiguous forces of violence colliding and Rachel Phoenix happens to be on Myles Blood’s side.
But if you think this badass chick is a one-dimensional ass-kicker, think again. She also at one point had the capacity for love. In fact, she was the ex-fiance of the Tree Party Nation’s leader, half-elf ranger Barrett Croft. Rachel thought Barrett was too radical for her tastes, so she aligned herself with, in her mind, the voice of reason in Myles Blood, human cleric. However, just because she broke up with Barrett, it didn’t mean that she didn’t have any feelings for him remaining whatsoever. A very small part of Rachel wanted to be with him again.
By the movie’s end, she gets her wish. Barrett Croft broke out of a Goliath prison and held everyone hostage with a nail bomb detonator (yes, they have those in D&D somewhere). Barrett even had the device wrapped around Myles Blood’s chest to show the audience how serious he was. Brute force wasn’t going to put an end to such terrorism. Rachel’s love would. Both the Tree Party Nation and Goliath’s Army had lost a significant number of soldiers in this war.
Now Rachel must convince Barrett that it’s time to make love instead. She made him an offer he would never refuse: put down the bomb and run away to a faraway environmental paradise with her. They would never return to Goliath or have to deal with Myles Blood again. It’s just two love birds solidifying their romance. And it wasn’t an assassin’s prank either. This was true love. Barrett found it within his heart to put down the detonator and walk away in Rachel’s arms. That’s how the story ended.
Even as I write this plot down on a blank document, part of me is wondering why Tree Party Nation would be a dud of a creative project. There are three-dimensional characters everywhere, there’s plenty of fantasy violence to go around, and the ending is something everybody can be happy with whether you’re a diehard geek or a sucker for lovey-dovey ooey-gooey romance stories. I’d actually have to go back into my archives and reread Tree Party Nation to see why it would be a dud.
But then again, a part of me already knows why. First of all, it was written in the style of a movie script. Movie scripts matter…if you live in California. As I write this character profile, I currently live in Port Orchard, Washington, where the only things that matter are knitting, war stories, and loud vehicles. Secondly, the story was written in 2010, a time in my life where my writing was mediocre at best. In fact, I feel that way about anything I’ve written before mid-2013 when I joined the Weekly Short Story Contest and Company group on Good Reads.
It might be a prejudiced way of thinking, but that prejudice has oftentimes been completely justified. Canned dialogue, scattered story structure, undisruptive writing, these things make me afraid to reread Tree Party Nation. So if Rachel Phoenix is going to be used again, she will take part in yet another fantasy story whether it’s a novel I write or a D&D campaign I run. Where else would you find a woman named Rachel Phoenix who openly admits to being an elf assassin? There isn’t a whole lot of need for ninja stars and jagged daggers in a modern setting. Yeah, she’s definitely a fantasy kind of girl, in more ways than just the literary genre. Hehe!
***LITERARY QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If Clue was played with Dungeons & Dragons rules, you could beat a confession out of Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe and have sex with Miss Scarlet on the table of the conservatory.”
-David M. Ewalt, author of “Of Dice and Men”-
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: Elf Assassin
CANON: Tree Party Nation
With the way the 2010 D&D movie script Tree Party Nation was written, alignments were in multiple shades of gray instead of complete black and white. There were no good guys and bad guys and if there were, it would be hard to tell them apart. On one side of the battle, you have a group of environmentally conscious warriors called the Tree Party Nation, who have noble intentions of preserving their forest home, but go about it in a violent and sadistic way. The other side of the battle is Myles Blood’s Goliath Kingdom, where chopping down trees might seem cruel and unusual, but it does give his citizens good-paying jobs and develops his city. Two ambiguous forces of violence colliding and Rachel Phoenix happens to be on Myles Blood’s side.
But if you think this badass chick is a one-dimensional ass-kicker, think again. She also at one point had the capacity for love. In fact, she was the ex-fiance of the Tree Party Nation’s leader, half-elf ranger Barrett Croft. Rachel thought Barrett was too radical for her tastes, so she aligned herself with, in her mind, the voice of reason in Myles Blood, human cleric. However, just because she broke up with Barrett, it didn’t mean that she didn’t have any feelings for him remaining whatsoever. A very small part of Rachel wanted to be with him again.
By the movie’s end, she gets her wish. Barrett Croft broke out of a Goliath prison and held everyone hostage with a nail bomb detonator (yes, they have those in D&D somewhere). Barrett even had the device wrapped around Myles Blood’s chest to show the audience how serious he was. Brute force wasn’t going to put an end to such terrorism. Rachel’s love would. Both the Tree Party Nation and Goliath’s Army had lost a significant number of soldiers in this war.
Now Rachel must convince Barrett that it’s time to make love instead. She made him an offer he would never refuse: put down the bomb and run away to a faraway environmental paradise with her. They would never return to Goliath or have to deal with Myles Blood again. It’s just two love birds solidifying their romance. And it wasn’t an assassin’s prank either. This was true love. Barrett found it within his heart to put down the detonator and walk away in Rachel’s arms. That’s how the story ended.
Even as I write this plot down on a blank document, part of me is wondering why Tree Party Nation would be a dud of a creative project. There are three-dimensional characters everywhere, there’s plenty of fantasy violence to go around, and the ending is something everybody can be happy with whether you’re a diehard geek or a sucker for lovey-dovey ooey-gooey romance stories. I’d actually have to go back into my archives and reread Tree Party Nation to see why it would be a dud.
But then again, a part of me already knows why. First of all, it was written in the style of a movie script. Movie scripts matter…if you live in California. As I write this character profile, I currently live in Port Orchard, Washington, where the only things that matter are knitting, war stories, and loud vehicles. Secondly, the story was written in 2010, a time in my life where my writing was mediocre at best. In fact, I feel that way about anything I’ve written before mid-2013 when I joined the Weekly Short Story Contest and Company group on Good Reads.
It might be a prejudiced way of thinking, but that prejudice has oftentimes been completely justified. Canned dialogue, scattered story structure, undisruptive writing, these things make me afraid to reread Tree Party Nation. So if Rachel Phoenix is going to be used again, she will take part in yet another fantasy story whether it’s a novel I write or a D&D campaign I run. Where else would you find a woman named Rachel Phoenix who openly admits to being an elf assassin? There isn’t a whole lot of need for ninja stars and jagged daggers in a modern setting. Yeah, she’s definitely a fantasy kind of girl, in more ways than just the literary genre. Hehe!
***LITERARY QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If Clue was played with Dungeons & Dragons rules, you could beat a confession out of Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe and have sex with Miss Scarlet on the table of the conservatory.”
-David M. Ewalt, author of “Of Dice and Men”-
Friday, May 8, 2015
Colleen Owens
NAME: Colleen Owens
AGE: 19
OCCUPATION: Eco-Warrior
CANON: Vampire On Fire
It shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody by now how I feel about environmental issues: I support them. Climate change is a real thing and we should all do something about it. Animals need our protection instead of getting shot at or abused. Habitats for those animals need our protection as well. Colleen Owens embodies every one of these beliefs. There’s just one problem: she’s billed as a villain and takes her alignment a little too seriously.
Being an eco-warrior isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but taking it to the extreme is. Pretty much any political belief has the potential to be polarized whether you’re a pro-lifer who shoots doctors or an anti-war protester who loots liquor stores during a riot. Colleen has good intentions, but she achieves her goals through vicious means, which is what makes her a convincing villain.
In Vampire On Fire, an oil tanker is pulling into the harbor of a nameless city (before I started calling every location in my short stories Paulson City). Three different creatures of the night want to attack this oil tanker for different reasons. Mario Grand, a vampire who doesn’t burn during daylight but has a fiery aura, wants victims to feast on and fill his blood pool. Derrick O’Brien, a werewolf who undergoes his transformation via rage, wants relief from his PTSD. Can you take a guess as to what Colleen Owens wants with the oil tanker? She wants to destroy the fucking thing, that’s what.
Armed with little more than a machete and a bitchy attitude, Colleen storms the oil tanker and slashes innocent people along the path to her goals. She even goes so far as to torture one of them while screaming in an annoying voice. That’s the key thing you have to remember about Colleen: her voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. She could scream the lyrics to a Soulfly or Five Finger Death Punch song and still sound disgusting.
Combine this with the will to kill anybody over the smallest disagreement over environmental issues and you’ve got the makings of a terrorist. If you leave your lights on when you’re not around, she’ll tie your ass to the couch and burn your home. If you eat a 50 calorie beef stick, she’ll shove it up your ass like a dildo and pop your eyeballs out. At this point, calling her a bitch might not be enough. We might have to move one more letter down the alphabet to accurately describe this violent woman.
So I guess Colleen Owens can be labeled by TV Tropes as being a Complete Monster. Even hardcore liberals can’t identify with this woman and those on the right hate her even more. She’s doing more damage to her cause than good. Sometimes she doesn’t even have a clear game plan; she’ll just rape and pillage everything until this entire world is burning in her violence, which also goes against the environmental doctrine.
A villain who gets called the C-word on a regular basis and earns it every time should be a satisfying kill for someone like Mario Grand or Derrick O’Brien. Fear not, readers. After the two of them take down an ultra-powerful mummy and put aside their differences, Derrick ties and gags Colleen with duct tape while Mario throws a head kick and decapitates her in the process. If I hadn’t used so many hyperbolic descriptions while ignoring the “normal” rules of writing, then maybe Vampire On Fire would be a satisfying read. Unfortunately, the writing techniques I employed along with the Deus Ex Machina ending would make this story a weak contender for publication and therefore a candidate for being deleted from my archives.
If I ever have the need for a bitchy villain who demands conformity and is too violent even for an NC-17 rating, then I’ll be happy to call on Colleen Owens for help. But if I’m going to use her, then I can’t have her be TOO bitchy. Otherwise, people might put the book down and pick up a copy of something a little more heavenly, like “The Fault In Our Stars” by John Green or “Love Letters to the Dead” by Ava Dellaira. I’d include “Fifty Shades of Grey” on that list, but I’m inclined to believe that Colleen Owens and Christian Grey would make the ideal Complete Monster couple. That’s a scary prospect no matter which way you spin it. It sends chills down my spine and it should yours as well.
***JOKE OF THE DAY***
When Christian Grey wants to go to a rock concert, does he shop at Ticket Master?
AGE: 19
OCCUPATION: Eco-Warrior
CANON: Vampire On Fire
It shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody by now how I feel about environmental issues: I support them. Climate change is a real thing and we should all do something about it. Animals need our protection instead of getting shot at or abused. Habitats for those animals need our protection as well. Colleen Owens embodies every one of these beliefs. There’s just one problem: she’s billed as a villain and takes her alignment a little too seriously.
Being an eco-warrior isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but taking it to the extreme is. Pretty much any political belief has the potential to be polarized whether you’re a pro-lifer who shoots doctors or an anti-war protester who loots liquor stores during a riot. Colleen has good intentions, but she achieves her goals through vicious means, which is what makes her a convincing villain.
In Vampire On Fire, an oil tanker is pulling into the harbor of a nameless city (before I started calling every location in my short stories Paulson City). Three different creatures of the night want to attack this oil tanker for different reasons. Mario Grand, a vampire who doesn’t burn during daylight but has a fiery aura, wants victims to feast on and fill his blood pool. Derrick O’Brien, a werewolf who undergoes his transformation via rage, wants relief from his PTSD. Can you take a guess as to what Colleen Owens wants with the oil tanker? She wants to destroy the fucking thing, that’s what.
Armed with little more than a machete and a bitchy attitude, Colleen storms the oil tanker and slashes innocent people along the path to her goals. She even goes so far as to torture one of them while screaming in an annoying voice. That’s the key thing you have to remember about Colleen: her voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. She could scream the lyrics to a Soulfly or Five Finger Death Punch song and still sound disgusting.
Combine this with the will to kill anybody over the smallest disagreement over environmental issues and you’ve got the makings of a terrorist. If you leave your lights on when you’re not around, she’ll tie your ass to the couch and burn your home. If you eat a 50 calorie beef stick, she’ll shove it up your ass like a dildo and pop your eyeballs out. At this point, calling her a bitch might not be enough. We might have to move one more letter down the alphabet to accurately describe this violent woman.
So I guess Colleen Owens can be labeled by TV Tropes as being a Complete Monster. Even hardcore liberals can’t identify with this woman and those on the right hate her even more. She’s doing more damage to her cause than good. Sometimes she doesn’t even have a clear game plan; she’ll just rape and pillage everything until this entire world is burning in her violence, which also goes against the environmental doctrine.
A villain who gets called the C-word on a regular basis and earns it every time should be a satisfying kill for someone like Mario Grand or Derrick O’Brien. Fear not, readers. After the two of them take down an ultra-powerful mummy and put aside their differences, Derrick ties and gags Colleen with duct tape while Mario throws a head kick and decapitates her in the process. If I hadn’t used so many hyperbolic descriptions while ignoring the “normal” rules of writing, then maybe Vampire On Fire would be a satisfying read. Unfortunately, the writing techniques I employed along with the Deus Ex Machina ending would make this story a weak contender for publication and therefore a candidate for being deleted from my archives.
If I ever have the need for a bitchy villain who demands conformity and is too violent even for an NC-17 rating, then I’ll be happy to call on Colleen Owens for help. But if I’m going to use her, then I can’t have her be TOO bitchy. Otherwise, people might put the book down and pick up a copy of something a little more heavenly, like “The Fault In Our Stars” by John Green or “Love Letters to the Dead” by Ava Dellaira. I’d include “Fifty Shades of Grey” on that list, but I’m inclined to believe that Colleen Owens and Christian Grey would make the ideal Complete Monster couple. That’s a scary prospect no matter which way you spin it. It sends chills down my spine and it should yours as well.
***JOKE OF THE DAY***
When Christian Grey wants to go to a rock concert, does he shop at Ticket Master?
Monday, May 4, 2015
Atlas Venom
NAME: Atlas Venom
AGE: 53
OCCUPATION: Dragon Barbarian
CANON: Zeromancer (both incarnations)
It shouldn’t be a secret anymore that my favorite character class in any RPG setting is the barbarian. It’s been that way since I’ve played Hero Quest in the early 1990’s, Diablo II in the early 2000’s, and Dungeons & Dragons 3.5 Edition in 2010. I also happen to be a big fan of dragons. They’re big, they’re nasty, and they breathe fire. It wouldn’t matter if it was a real dragon or one in humanoid form, fuck it, I love them anyways.
What do you get when you combine a favorite class with a favorite race? You get Atlas Venom, Dragon Barbarian. He’s got the scales and fire breath of a dragon and the heavy metal armor and giant battleaxe of a barbarian. You talk about crossover heaven? That’s it, man. End of story. Atlas motherfucking Venom.
As you can tell from his canon, Zeromancer had two different incarnations. One of them was as a movie script in 2009, which served as a prequel to Tower of Heaven, Tower of Hell, and No Towers No Bullshit. Zeromancer explained the origins of the trench coat wearing and machete wielding magi assassins as well as those of the Demonic family bloodline.
But more importantly, it had Atlas Venom as a side character. He was everything you could ever want in a heroic ally: big, strong, powerful, and capable of mowing enemies down while creating a thunderstorm of blood around him. Of course, this was before I knew what a Gary-Stu was. Atlas was very much a Gary-Stu since he just appeared out of nowhere without a background story and only his fighting skills to lend to the party.
The other incarnation of Zeromancer was a four-act novel, each act containing a completely different set of characters only for them to come together in the fourth and final one. Atlas could have just as easily created a storm of blood with his battleaxe prowess and fiery breath. But since he was billed as the main villain of act one, if he did this, we’d have no characters. I often wondered what would have happened if Atlas just went nuts and flattened an entire continent full of people.
The heroes of act one were no slouches, don’t get me wrong. Kento Bladecaptain was a robotic knight who was just getting the hang of feeling emotions despite warnings against it from his dark magic masters Calco and Tazz. The two wizards were so pissed off with Kento that they actually aligned themselves with Atlas Venom.
So now we’ve got a pissed off dragon barbarian and two dark wizards who team up to kick the shit out of the good guys. If it wasn’t for the hyperbolic writing style I employed throughout this story, I could have had an epic confrontation here. Why would I ever think hyperbole was an acceptable writing style? Maybe in comedies, but not if I wanted to be taken seriously as an action-fantasy author.
If I ever decide to use this overly powerful Gary-Stu in my novels again, he’ll definitely be a villain and he’ll need some personality. It’s not enough for him to be a pissed off dragon barbarian who rages through entire planets and slaughters everyone in his path. He needs a reason. He needs strategies. He needs minions. If he was just a mindless berserker, he wouldn’t need to be called Atlas Venom. He could just be a nameless force of nature. But I don’t want that for Atlas. I want him to be a respectable villain.
For a villain of that power to be believable, we have to go back to his barbaric roots. I know I mentioned Hero Quest as one of my influences, but Diablo II was the biggest influence I had when it came to my love of barbarians. And Diablo II had a pain in the ass mega demon for a final boss: Diablo himself. This guy would shoot flame circles and streams of lightning at the players and kill them off instantly. He could do it forever and ever since enemies don’t have a mana pocket.
What made him even more dangerous was Diablo’s motivation: bringing evil to the world. The middle ages were already a tough time for a lot of people, but with Diablo at the helm, it’s nonstop hell. What if Atlas Venom had a similar motivation? What if his form of hellish evil was his barbarian tribe of disgustingly powerful monsters? He might even be able to steal a catchphrase: “Not even death can save you from me!” It’s not enough just to kill someone; Atlas has to send chills down their spine. He can do that if I give him the breathing room to.
One of the ways I made Atlas creepy in the second Zeromancer was by giving him the facial features of a clown. He was still a hideous dragon, but he had clown features as well with white face paint, a goofy nose, and colorful hair. As if clowns needed more reasons to be scary, right? Perhaps it was overkill. Perhaps it was me trying too hard to make him an intimidating villain. If I actually believed the latter, then that’s basically me surrendering to the idea that we can’t have dragon clown barbarians. I say we can. It’s possible if you picture it in your mind. Pennywise and Ronald McDonald would shit their pants at the sight of Atlas Venom if he adopted a clown gimmick. Ooo, talk dirty to me!
If I reincarnate Atlas Venom, I’m going to attempt to have my cake and eat it too. He fits every archetype I could ever love in a dark fantasy character, dragons, clowns, and barbarians aside. With this many archetypes, he could actually be a believable villain with the creepy dialogue and disgusting facial expressions. I believe in him!
***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
RESTAURANT MANAGER: Quit being a hero! You’re going to get us all killed! Give him what he wants so we can all get out of here!
JULES: Shut the fuck up, fat man! This ain’t none of your goddamn business!
-Pulp Fiction-
AGE: 53
OCCUPATION: Dragon Barbarian
CANON: Zeromancer (both incarnations)
It shouldn’t be a secret anymore that my favorite character class in any RPG setting is the barbarian. It’s been that way since I’ve played Hero Quest in the early 1990’s, Diablo II in the early 2000’s, and Dungeons & Dragons 3.5 Edition in 2010. I also happen to be a big fan of dragons. They’re big, they’re nasty, and they breathe fire. It wouldn’t matter if it was a real dragon or one in humanoid form, fuck it, I love them anyways.
What do you get when you combine a favorite class with a favorite race? You get Atlas Venom, Dragon Barbarian. He’s got the scales and fire breath of a dragon and the heavy metal armor and giant battleaxe of a barbarian. You talk about crossover heaven? That’s it, man. End of story. Atlas motherfucking Venom.
As you can tell from his canon, Zeromancer had two different incarnations. One of them was as a movie script in 2009, which served as a prequel to Tower of Heaven, Tower of Hell, and No Towers No Bullshit. Zeromancer explained the origins of the trench coat wearing and machete wielding magi assassins as well as those of the Demonic family bloodline.
But more importantly, it had Atlas Venom as a side character. He was everything you could ever want in a heroic ally: big, strong, powerful, and capable of mowing enemies down while creating a thunderstorm of blood around him. Of course, this was before I knew what a Gary-Stu was. Atlas was very much a Gary-Stu since he just appeared out of nowhere without a background story and only his fighting skills to lend to the party.
The other incarnation of Zeromancer was a four-act novel, each act containing a completely different set of characters only for them to come together in the fourth and final one. Atlas could have just as easily created a storm of blood with his battleaxe prowess and fiery breath. But since he was billed as the main villain of act one, if he did this, we’d have no characters. I often wondered what would have happened if Atlas just went nuts and flattened an entire continent full of people.
The heroes of act one were no slouches, don’t get me wrong. Kento Bladecaptain was a robotic knight who was just getting the hang of feeling emotions despite warnings against it from his dark magic masters Calco and Tazz. The two wizards were so pissed off with Kento that they actually aligned themselves with Atlas Venom.
So now we’ve got a pissed off dragon barbarian and two dark wizards who team up to kick the shit out of the good guys. If it wasn’t for the hyperbolic writing style I employed throughout this story, I could have had an epic confrontation here. Why would I ever think hyperbole was an acceptable writing style? Maybe in comedies, but not if I wanted to be taken seriously as an action-fantasy author.
If I ever decide to use this overly powerful Gary-Stu in my novels again, he’ll definitely be a villain and he’ll need some personality. It’s not enough for him to be a pissed off dragon barbarian who rages through entire planets and slaughters everyone in his path. He needs a reason. He needs strategies. He needs minions. If he was just a mindless berserker, he wouldn’t need to be called Atlas Venom. He could just be a nameless force of nature. But I don’t want that for Atlas. I want him to be a respectable villain.
For a villain of that power to be believable, we have to go back to his barbaric roots. I know I mentioned Hero Quest as one of my influences, but Diablo II was the biggest influence I had when it came to my love of barbarians. And Diablo II had a pain in the ass mega demon for a final boss: Diablo himself. This guy would shoot flame circles and streams of lightning at the players and kill them off instantly. He could do it forever and ever since enemies don’t have a mana pocket.
What made him even more dangerous was Diablo’s motivation: bringing evil to the world. The middle ages were already a tough time for a lot of people, but with Diablo at the helm, it’s nonstop hell. What if Atlas Venom had a similar motivation? What if his form of hellish evil was his barbarian tribe of disgustingly powerful monsters? He might even be able to steal a catchphrase: “Not even death can save you from me!” It’s not enough just to kill someone; Atlas has to send chills down their spine. He can do that if I give him the breathing room to.
One of the ways I made Atlas creepy in the second Zeromancer was by giving him the facial features of a clown. He was still a hideous dragon, but he had clown features as well with white face paint, a goofy nose, and colorful hair. As if clowns needed more reasons to be scary, right? Perhaps it was overkill. Perhaps it was me trying too hard to make him an intimidating villain. If I actually believed the latter, then that’s basically me surrendering to the idea that we can’t have dragon clown barbarians. I say we can. It’s possible if you picture it in your mind. Pennywise and Ronald McDonald would shit their pants at the sight of Atlas Venom if he adopted a clown gimmick. Ooo, talk dirty to me!
If I reincarnate Atlas Venom, I’m going to attempt to have my cake and eat it too. He fits every archetype I could ever love in a dark fantasy character, dragons, clowns, and barbarians aside. With this many archetypes, he could actually be a believable villain with the creepy dialogue and disgusting facial expressions. I believe in him!
***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
RESTAURANT MANAGER: Quit being a hero! You’re going to get us all killed! Give him what he wants so we can all get out of here!
JULES: Shut the fuck up, fat man! This ain’t none of your goddamn business!
-Pulp Fiction-
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