Chaos

The forest road seemed to be dragging on forever, like traveling on an endless conveyor belt. With the trees on the side of the road flexing back and forth in this windy weather, this seemed like the wrong night to take such a route. Officers Kenny Ryder and Robin Cage seemed to agree on that point, but they weren’t going to complain…publicly. They had a much bigger concern on their minds than potentially falling trees. In the back of their paddy wagon was Derrick O’Brien, the nation’s most dangerous domestic terrorist.

Derrick didn’t prefer bombs. He didn’t need guns. All he needed to get his message across were the blades on the tips of his powerful fingers, the flesh and bone-chewing fangs in his mouth, and the vocal cords of a bloodthirsty monster. The brown fur all over his body reeked of death and decay, like somebody who hadn’t showered in months while slashing victims to chunky pieces. The man wolf slept peacefully in his steel chain cocoon, but not without snoring like an AK-47 every time he breathed in.

Kenny and Robin kept looking over their shoulders and out at the road in short bursts before the chocolate haired Officer Cage broke the ice. “You know, I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit in my career, but a fucking werewolf? If I don’t see a big fat paycheck at the end of this assignment, I might turn into a werewolf and go ape shit myself.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” said the baldheaded male with the scraggly beard Officer Ryder. “You should have seen all the manpower it took just to chain that bastard up. And now they’re sending you and me to transport his big ass to some goddamn lab.”

“Lab? You mean they’re going to put makeup on him and squirt shampoo in his eyes?” asked Robin jokingly as she drummed her fingers on the dashboard.

“Hey, if I ever find out they’re testing Head and Shoulders on that big furry thing, I’ll gladly do commercials for those guys.”

“You don’t even have hair, Kenny.”

“So?”

The brief moment of comedy put weak smiles on Kenny and Robin’s faces. They hadn’t lost sight of how risky this assignment really was. One steel link snaps and Robin could lose her head. One pad lock breaks and Kenny could have his intestines spread all over the windshield. As quickly as the windstorm blew that night, the humorous mood faded.

“Oh, what the hell is this shit?” asked Kenny when he stepped on the brakes and slowly brought the paddy wagon to a halt. The halogen headlights did so little to make out the hooded and robed figure in the middle of the road. It was just standing there frozen in place when Kenny blasted the horn three times. He rolled down the window on his side and stuck his head out before shouting, “Hey! Move your ass! We’ve got a prisoner in tow and you’re holding us up!”

No response from the hooded figure, which prompted an even longer horn blast from Kenny followed by another shout. “Hey! I said move your ass off the road! Are you deaf or something?!”

“You want me to take care of this asshole?” asked Robin with her taser armed. Her partner gave a nod before she got out of the paddy wagon and slowly approached the hooded figure with her taser locked and loaded. “Sir? Ma’am? Whatever the hell you are, I suggest you get out of the road before I…”

“Before you what?” asked the feminine voice from behind the hood. She raised her bladed finger and continued her question with, “Shoot me with that little toy? Go ahead. See what happens, cupcake!”

Robin fired the electrical prongs, but not without the woman grabbing them and smiling at her with creepily seductive red lips. Officer Cage shivered and watched with wide eyes as the woman removed her hood and revealed herself to be a purple-haired vampire complete with bloody fangs. Before Officer Cage could let out a whispery swear word, the vampire rushed up to her and forearmed her in the cheek, knocking her to the ground and exposing her neck.

The vampire licked her lusty lips with anticipation as she knelt down to take a juicy bite. And then she heard, “Hey! Don’t even think about it, you circus freak!” Kenny stood at the opposite side of the paddy wagon with his shotgun pointed right at her. He even pumped it for intimidation, but instead got a voracious growl from the mysterious woman.

Officer Ryder squeezed off a shot, but hit nothing as the woman quickly ducked down and rushed toward the back of the vehicle. The shotgun wielder darted over to the fallen Robin Cage and put two fingers on her neck for a pulse. She had one, but it was fading. The entire right side of her face was swollen and purple.

Kenny watched his partner fade to black in front of him and said in a comforting voice, “Please, don’t die on me. I’ll find that bitch and put one in her chest for you.”

Robin painfully lifted her head off the ground and spoke in a raspy voice, “Kenny…forget about me…what about the prisoner?!”

The sounds of wet lips smacking together romantically could be heard from the back of the paddy wagon. “Oh no, no, not this!” shouted Kenny when he saw the back door swinging wide open. He patted Robin’s chocolate brown hair and said, “Don’t worry. I’m not leaving your side. Those two are probably long gone by now. They’re someone else’s problem.”

“Such dedication to your craft, Officer,” said the lusty vampire, who stepped out from behind the opened door with her arm wrapped around a thin blond haired stud muffin in an orange jumpsuit, quite the contrast from the beast previously in lockup. She smiled at the man and said, “Derrick O’Brien, scourge of the werewolf clan.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, the ultra-sexy vampire queen, Sonya Demonic,” said Derrick, who was engaged in an intense lip lock with his blood sucking girlfriend, complete with ass grabbing and breast squeezing. Sonya took off her robes to reveal a stunning silk black dress underneath. “Excellent choice, my sweets!” They kissed some more.

“You two scumbags make me sick!” shouted Kenny as he pumped the handle on his shotgun and squeezed off another round into the couple’s vicinity. The blast hit Derrick in the chest, but the human-staged werewolf no-sold his pain with sarcastic clutches at his “wound”. Sonya Demonic held her mouth in mock horror and let out a few orgasmic screams.

The couple laughed off the “pain” together and hugged it out. Derrick wagged his finger at the shock-eyed Kenny and said, “Now, now, Officer. Didn’t I hear you say yourself that it took a lot of manpower to chain me up? What do you think happened to that manpower?” Derrick broke his embrace from Sonya and patted his tummy with both hands before snickering evilly.

“You sick bastard! You sick, sick bastard!” shouted Kenny.

“Sick? Sick? Who’s the sick one, Officer?” asked Sonya. “My beautiful werewolf boyfriend here, or the one person who keeps feeding able-bodied cops to the two of us for dinner? Did you two really think this was a transport mission to some god-awful laboratory? Come on, now. There’s nothing out here except for trees and windstorms. Go ahead. Call for help. I dare you!”

Kenny’s breathing was getting heavier and angrier with each passing second. He leaned down and picked up the wounded Robin baby style before sitting her in the passenger seat. She was still breathing, but shallowly. She sat upright, but with her neck at a forty-five degree angle. She let out a small cough to let Kenny know she was still alive.

Meanwhile, the shotgun-wielding cop was in the driver’s seat trying to work the radio buttons. He spoke into the microphone, “I need backup! Officer down! Repeat! Officer Robin Cage is down! I need extra units and an ambulance for her!”

There was a heavy crackling at the other end of the radio before an ominous voice said, “I’m sorry, Officer Ryder, but Miss Demonic and Mr. O’Brien are going to be full with just you two as their meal. It was the only way I could keep the creatures of the night from taking over this city. I’m sorry, Kenny. The sacrifice has to be made.”

Officer Ryder’s heavy breathing turned to silent weeping. The silence was broken when he pounded on the steering wheel and blew the horn while swearing his head off. The fit of rage ended when Sonya and Derrick were on opposite sides of the vehicle’s cab banging on the glass windows. The creatures smiled at them with bloodshot eyes, blood filled mouths, and plenty of hoarse laughs. Derrick had transformed back into his werewolf stage and was chewing on the door handle for special effects.

Kenny slammed his own head against the steering wheel until his forehead bled buckets. His vision was getting hazy and his body was relaxing. He didn’t even feel the storm of broken glass that nearly slashed his face up even more. His last vision before passing out from the pain of Sonya’s vampire bite was Robin Cage being dragged out of the vehicle with Derrick’s wolf teeth gnashing her skull.

The entire “dining experience” took little more than fifteen minutes of chewing, sucking, and chugging. Meaty morsels sliding down the creature’s throats while the bones were being cast aside. Blood oozing from their mouths like a waterfall of violence. They were full from their meals, but still had room for dessert, which they would eat in the privacy of the paddy wagon’s prisoner hold. Red velvet kisses with a few small drops of Pina Colata. Such a lovely meal for a lovely couple, who held hands afterwards and watched the night sky together. They had to do date night again sometime.

Colleen Owens

NAME: Colleen Owens
AGE: 19
OCCUPATION: Eco-Warrior
CANON: Vampire On Fire


It shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody by now how I feel about environmental issues: I support them. Climate change is a real thing and we should all do something about it. Animals need our protection instead of getting shot at or abused. Habitats for those animals need our protection as well. Colleen Owens embodies every one of these beliefs. There’s just one problem: she’s billed as a villain and takes her alignment a little too seriously.

Being an eco-warrior isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but taking it to the extreme is. Pretty much any political belief has the potential to be polarized whether you’re a pro-lifer who shoots doctors or an anti-war protester who loots liquor stores during a riot. Colleen has good intentions, but she achieves her goals through vicious means, which is what makes her a convincing villain.

In Vampire On Fire, an oil tanker is pulling into the harbor of a nameless city (before I started calling every location in my short stories Paulson City). Three different creatures of the night want to attack this oil tanker for different reasons. Mario Grand, a vampire who doesn’t burn during daylight but has a fiery aura, wants victims to feast on and fill his blood pool. Derrick O’Brien, a werewolf who undergoes his transformation via rage, wants relief from his PTSD. Can you take a guess as to what Colleen Owens wants with the oil tanker? She wants to destroy the fucking thing, that’s what.

Armed with little more than a machete and a bitchy attitude, Colleen storms the oil tanker and slashes innocent people along the path to her goals. She even goes so far as to torture one of them while screaming in an annoying voice. That’s the key thing you have to remember about Colleen: her voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. She could scream the lyrics to a Soulfly or Five Finger Death Punch song and still sound disgusting.

Combine this with the will to kill anybody over the smallest disagreement over environmental issues and you’ve got the makings of a terrorist. If you leave your lights on when you’re not around, she’ll tie your ass to the couch and burn your home. If you eat a 50 calorie beef stick, she’ll shove it up your ass like a dildo and pop your eyeballs out. At this point, calling her a bitch might not be enough. We might have to move one more letter down the alphabet to accurately describe this violent woman.

So I guess Colleen Owens can be labeled by TV Tropes as being a Complete Monster. Even hardcore liberals can’t identify with this woman and those on the right hate her even more. She’s doing more damage to her cause than good. Sometimes she doesn’t even have a clear game plan; she’ll just rape and pillage everything until this entire world is burning in her violence, which also goes against the environmental doctrine.

A villain who gets called the C-word on a regular basis and earns it every time should be a satisfying kill for someone like Mario Grand or Derrick O’Brien. Fear not, readers. After the two of them take down an ultra-powerful mummy and put aside their differences, Derrick ties and gags Colleen with duct tape while Mario throws a head kick and decapitates her in the process. If I hadn’t used so many hyperbolic descriptions while ignoring the “normal” rules of writing, then maybe Vampire On Fire would be a satisfying read. Unfortunately, the writing techniques I employed along with the Deus Ex Machina ending would make this story a weak contender for publication and therefore a candidate for being deleted from my archives.

If I ever have the need for a bitchy villain who demands conformity and is too violent even for an NC-17 rating, then I’ll be happy to call on Colleen Owens for help. But if I’m going to use her, then I can’t have her be TOO bitchy. Otherwise, people might put the book down and pick up a copy of something a little more heavenly, like “The Fault In Our Stars” by John Green or “Love Letters to the Dead” by Ava Dellaira. I’d include “Fifty Shades of Grey” on that list, but I’m inclined to believe that Colleen Owens and Christian Grey would make the ideal Complete Monster couple. That’s a scary prospect no matter which way you spin it. It sends chills down my spine and it should yours as well.

　

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

When Christian Grey wants to go to a rock concert, does he shop at Ticket Master?