You Might Be Stereotyping Me

I did something on Deviant Art called The Mark Test, which was a Jeff Foxworthy-style routine to determine if the readers were pro-wrestling marks or not. And now here on Garrison’s Library, I’m going to do another Jeff Foxworthy-style routine for you. A lot of people don’t know if they’re stereotyping me or not. So I came up with a test to help them out. Things like…

If you think the main characters to all of my stories are Slovak-named barbarians who like to cut off people’s penises, you might be stereotyping me.

If you think the highlight of my day is stinking up the bathroom with the rotting meat in my intestines, you might be stereotyping me.

If you think I can afford the Taj Mahal on my social security budget, you might be stereotyping me.

If you think I should be embarrassed when I blow my nose or cough up snot in public, you might be stereotyping me.

If you think my family photo album has ball gags photoshopped in the subjects’ mouths, you might be stereotyping me.

If you think I get premature orgasms from watching Daniel Bryan’s wrestling matches, you might be stereotyping me.

If you think I’m dying of boredom and need to be rushed to the hospital, you might be stereotyping me.

If you think I pop my schizophrenic medication from a Pez dispenser, no, you’re not stereotyping me, but you might be the lead singer of Nickelback.

If you think I’m going to wear a diaper and handcuffs to my wedding, you might be stereotyping me.

If you’re a doctor who does my colonoscopy and write in your report that you had to pull two and a half feet of Chef Boyardee ravioli out of my intestines, you might be stereotyping me.

Thank you, everybody, goodnight!

　

***DOMESTIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Italians don’t eat Chef Boyardee, you fucking retard!”

-Susan Wilson-

Fav Whores

The term “Fav Whore” is common on Deviant Art and I’m sure it exists on other websites as well. It refers to somebody who adds pieces of art to their favorites collection only for page views or general attention. Whether or not that person actually likes your work is debatable. In fact, it may never come up in conversation again. While being active in the internet community is a good way to get attention, what kind of attention are you actually seeking by being a fav whore? Do you just want page views? If so, what exactly are you going to do with page views? Just because somebody looks at your work, doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll like it or spread the news. So if favorites and views don’t mean a damn thing anymore, then what does? Comments? It is true that an in-depth comment or critique will be sure to make both parties feel enriched. But what about comments like, “I love it!” and “Awesome!”? Do those really do anything for the artist seeking attention and love? Not really. Some people dig those comments, but when they’re accompanied with phrases like, “Come check out my art blog and/or gallery!”, that’s when it starts to get annoying. There’s a huge difference between flattering somebody and investing time in them. Flattery will only go so far, but investing time in someone will ensure a friendship that will last a lifetime. It’s the difference between having a friend and having a fan. Friends will never turn their backs on you during hard times or moments of joy. Fans will take that twelve inch blade and sever your spinal column the minute you fuck up. Fans are more common than friends, but now that we have this thing called the internet, it should be easier to make friends with the people you enjoy talking to. But the relationship between artist and viewer doesn’t always make it past the fan stage. I know this because there are celebrities that I have a fan-like relationship with. I used to like Scott Hall when he was wrestling for WWE as Razor Ramon and when he was wrestling for WCW under his real name. After all the no-shows and drug spirals, I stopped being a fan of his. It seems hypocritical of me given all the things I’ve said so far, but if I actually took the time to get to know Scott Hall a little better, I’m not sure he’d return the friendship. That’s why I choose to be a fan of wrestlers like Daniel Bryan and CM Punk. They’re reliable employees, they put on fun matches, and they’re nice guys in real life. I’m sure both guys would return my friendship, but I’ll never know, because I don’t have a Twitter account and I don’t know of any other way to contact them. Bottom line: if you want friendships that will bring happiness to your life for a long, long time, don’t be a fav whore; be a friend. Shallow behavior will get you nowhere in the end.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Daniel Day-Lewis spent lots of time trying to get inside Abraham Lincoln’s head for his role. The one person who was able to get in Lincoln’s head the most was John Wilkes-Booth. What? Two-hundred years later and it’s still too soon?”

-Seth MacFarlane-

Ranking Systems

There are different ways of ranking whether or not you liked someone’s performance: five stars, ten points, letter grades, percentages, etc. On Good Reads, their ranking system is based on five stars for each book. On You Tube, though, their ranking system for videos is based on likes or dislikes. I personally believe (feel free to disagree with me if you want) that the like or dislike system is the only one we need. Either you liked what you saw or you hated it. Even if you think a piece of art is just “okay”, there’s still a small part of you that likes it. I thought that Fifty Shades of Grey was an okay book. I wasn’t crazy about the writing style, but it didn’t take away from the fact that I still liked it. In fact, I like it so much that I want to read the next two books in the series and have a reason to buy Kleenexes other than Pacific Northwest allergies. If we rely too much on stars, number rankings, and letter grades, we don’t get a clear picture as to whether or not it’s a liked book or TV show or whatever the case may be. I’ve seen books on Good Reads get three stars (which is supposedly a good rating) and in the actual text box, the reviewer talks as if he has a serious axe to grind. I’ve seen that with books that got four stars. The only ranking in which somebody is guaranteed to say nice things all across the board is five stars. Five star ratings are rare and are only reserved for authors who go “above and beyond the call of duty”. Above and beyond? Doesn’t anybody just like stuff anymore? If we had a like and dislike system like we do on You Tube, it would paint a clearer picture of just how popular something is. Which one are you more likely to gravitate towards: a book that has three stars or one that has 5,000 likes and only 53 dislikes? That may not be the correct math, but do you get my point? The like and dislike system is not only helpful to potential readers, but also the authors who are trying to filter out negative information. If an author sees he has a three star rating and gets suckered into reading a mediocre review, it’s going to break his heart. But if an author sees a like or dislike instead of a star rating, then he’ll know which ones to filter out and which ones to read. It’s amazing how far we have to go to preserve an author’s self-esteem. Then again, these things should go without saying. In other words, it’s just simple commonsense.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“The British have Jane Austen on their money. Who should we have on our money? Stone Cold Steve Austin?”

-Bill Maher-

Family Support

Not everyone can be born into a family that completely supports their creative endeavors. Ivan Moody from Five Finger Death Punch regularly expects that his mother will bury him when the topic of musical careers comes up. And yet, if it wasn’t for Ivan’s mom being an oppressive jerk, we wouldn’t have songs like “The Devil’s Own” and “Remember Everything”. Ivan Moody made a fortune off of his life experiences. Not everybody does that. In fact, the stresses of life often keep artists from achieving their full potential. If a teacher insults a child’s poetry, the child may never write creatively again for fear that the horrible memory will haunt him in the middle conceiving a poem. Emotional trauma is a powerful thing, especially to a small child who has a hard enough time determining which pieces of advice are useful and which ones are bullshit. I have a message for both adults and children of all ages. Adults, if you see a piece of art you don’t like, don’t tell the artist that he sucks and should never create again. There’s always somebody else out there who will enjoy the piece of art, so your opinion isn’t the only one that matters. Hard to believe, right? And kids, if somebody tells you that you’ll never make it in a creative field, don’t listen to them. Filtering out negative messages is hard, I agree. Sometimes that message will haunt your mind relentlessly until you finally do give in. The secret is to never give in. If you’re writing something and the negativity is turning your brain to primordial soup, keep writing until you’re finished with the poem or prose. Success is the best way to prove your critics wrong. But then comes the question of what defines success. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll make millions of dollars and have swarms of horny women gathering at your front door. It doesn’t always work like that. Sometimes all you need to be successful is a happy attitude. If you’re genuinely happy with your work, that should be the only thing that matters. If one other person is happy with your work, that matters too. That doesn’t mean you should avoid constructive critique, because that can actually be helpful. Keep the compliments, keep the critique, but filter out the negative vibes. The secret to success is finding the right support system. It’s out there if you look hard enough. Someone out there likes you, that much I promise. Ivan Moody’s mother didn’t support him, so he found band mates and audience members that did. There is hope out there somewhere and there is life after emotional trauma.

　

***PROVERB OF THE DAY***

“You don’t stop laughing because you get old, you get old because you stop laughing.”

-Unknown-

"The Woman" by Jack Ketchum & Lucky McKee

Whenever a child or teenager is accused of being “uncivilized”, they normally go to a manners class or an etiquette seminar. Having said this, it makes for a burning question as you pick up a copy of “The Woman”. How exactly is blowing out somebody’s eardrum with gunfire supposed to civilize a savage huntress? And when I say savage huntress, I’m not talking about that bikini clad lady that Raquel Welsh played in 10,000,000 BC. The woman in question is a lot more hideous and monstrous than that. Her face is distorted into a caveman caricature. Her muscles make a juicing bodybuilder’s look like pebbles. She has more dirt on her than a redneck’s truck. Her breath can knock out her opponents faster than a Travis Browne superman punch. Despite having all of these nasty features working against her, she still manages to become a sex object to the family trying to “tame” her. Actually, only the patriarch, Chris Cleek, is trying to tame her. The rest of his family is downright horrified, with the exception of Chris’ teenaged sociopath son, Brian. Would you like a clear portrait of what this fucked up family is like? That way, you’ll have a better idea of what kind of people are holding this cavewoman hostage. Chris Cleek is the patriarch and has a mean streak as wide as the scars he puts on his women’s faces. Brian Cleek is every bit as nasty and perverted as his father. I’d even dare say he’s a chip off the old block. Darleen Cleek is the youngest daughter and doesn’t even know what’s going on half of the time. Belle Cleek is the matriarch and has a hard time standing up to her man’s insidious behavior. In fact, she joins in on it during her moments of weakness. And then we have Peggy Cleek, the oldest daughter with a bun in the oven and a defensive demeanor. I won’t say who the father of Peggy’s child is, but if it’s not obvious to you at this point, it’s probably for the best. There you have it, folks. A fucked up family versus a fucked up tribal warrior. How is this going to end? Not very well, I’ll guarantee you that. If you want more, you’ll have to purchase a copy of this book and see for yourself why I gave it five stars on Good Reads. It’s fast paced (just like any suspense book would be), it’s disturbing as hell (also like any suspense novel would be), and when you wake up tomorrow morning, you’ll be drenched in your own sweat and piss (do I really have to say it again)? Need anymore reasons? Didn’t think so.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“So take your necklace off and put a fucking noose in its place!”

-Sworn In singing “Hypocrisy”-

Rest In Peace, Ned Vizzini

It seems rather odd that I would do a rest in peace segment for a man I didn’t know of until he died. The man in question is young adult author Ned Vizzini, who this past December committed suicide due to complications from depression and anxiety. He was only 32 years old. There are two reasons why I’m paying tribute to him despite never having read his books. One, suicide holds a special place in my heart. Two, mental illness also holds a special place in my heart. These two aspects of Ned Vizzini’s death are special to me because I’ve lived through them. When I was being bullied in high school in Chehalis, I contracted PTSD and felt like dying. When I was hearing negative voices in my head in my senior year at a different high school, it turned out I had schizophrenia and I still wanted to die. People consider suicide as an option because they see no other way out of their hardships. I didn’t know there was a treatment for PTSD (pills and EMDR therapy). I also didn’t know I had schizophrenia until I took a class in psychology and the symptoms became familiar. Ned Vizzini probably knew what he was dealing with inside his head, but he probably couldn’t take it anymore and saw no other way to relieve his mind other than suicide. Ned’s story should serve as a cautionary tale to anybody out there who’s dealing with a crippling amount of stress. The lesson here is that there is always help if you seek it out. Awareness plays a huge part in the recovery process as does a network of support whether it’s from friends, family, or professionals. Nothing is worth dying for, especially when you have something special to offer the ones you love. In Ned’s case, he had his writing to offer the world and I’d say he did quite well for himself. Kurt Cobain had his music to offer the world and he’s a cult figure. I know this isn’t a popular thing to say given how he died, but Chris Benoit had his wrestling abilities to offer the world. With so many things to live for and even less things to die for, why would suicide be an option? For every problem going on in your life, there is a solution of some kind. Finding that solution is hard work, I’ll admit. Sometimes it’s not immediately within reach. But the harder you fight for your heart and soul, the closer that solution will appear. I’ll close this blog entry by using a phrase the anti-abortion wing nuts have perverted over the years: choose life. When I say that to you all, it’s not a strike against abortion, it’s a strike against suicide. Together, we can fight our demons and win. Rest in peace, Ned Vizzini.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Once upon a time, I swore I had a heart long before the world I knew tore it all apart. Once upon a time, there was a part of me I shared years before they took away the part of me that cared. I’ve been a thousand places and shook a million hands. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know just where I’ve been. I’ve flown a million miles and I’ve rode so many more. Everyday, a castaway, a vagabond, battle born.”

-Five Finger Death Punch singing “Battle Born”-

The D- From Hell

I haven’t told this story in a long time and I didn’t see a reason for it until now. My Smash Words e-book “Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage” opens with heavy metal lyrics for a song called “62”. The opening line of the song goes like this: “True blue! I don’t need a 62! Your wife’s sweet juices will just have to do!” Although altered somewhat, these lyrics are part of an insult poem I wrote in 2005 that got me suspended from college. Is it story time already? It sure is. In winter quarter of 2005, I took a geology class on the advice of my guidance counselor. She told me that the guy who taught it, Steve, was funny and charismatic and therefore would be a fun teacher to have. By the time winter quarter actually begins, all I saw was a goofball who cared about rocks a little too much. He even had a sign on his door that said “Have a Gneiss Day”. Get it? He-he-ho-ho. His annoyingly quirky behavior was the least of his problems. I wrote that insult poem about him for three main reasons. First, he told us to study for one thing and tested us on something completely different. This ultimate swerve resulted in me barely surviving that test with a 62 (the title of the updated heavy metal song), or a D- for those who deal in letters. Secondly, he identified me in class as “the guy with bad handwriting”. And lastly, to put the cap on the humiliation, he made a big deal about me not covering my mouth when I yawned. Three acts of poor taste led to the creation of a battle rap against him. In this poem, I said three things to him that were equally in bad taste. I told him I was going to fuck his wife, fuck his mother, and scrape my keys across the side of his car. That would certainly be enough to put him in his place. Maybe it was overkill, maybe it was a lack of maturity, but something prompted Steve to complain to the Vice President of the college and tell them he was…brace yourselves…”terrified”. Steve actually thought I was going to do those nasty things to his family and his car. In order to keep from receiving a full ten day suspension or even an expulsion, I had to convince the Vice President and his Head of Security I was just blowing a whole bunch of smoke and the poem was more like a fantasy than a plan of action. I dodged a huge bullet. The worst that happened to me was that I was no longer allowed to sign up for Steve’s classes. I wouldn’t want to anyway. It’s many years later and I have yet to hear anybody say that success is the best revenge. Could that be because I’m not successful? I have yet to make any money off of my writing and I still live at home with my parents. Meanwhile, Steve, who never received any kind of punishment for his part in the incident, gets to teach class for as long as he wants and live like a rock star at the expense of his students. This is what the poem “62” means to me: just because you have to get along with people who don’t have to get along with you (the teachers), doesn’t mean that power should be abused. The sooner we recognize the abuses of authority that go on every day, the better off we’ll be as a country. Or as a world, depending on how far you want to take this.

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

VIC MACKEY: You’ll get my report in a couple of days, maybe in a week. If you don’t like the timetable, you can take it up with Gilroy.

DAVID ACEVEDA: I don’t have to. In this building, I’m in charge.

VIC MACKEY: Well, maybe in your own mind, amigo. But in the real world, I don’t answer to you. Not today, not tomorrow, not even on Cinqo De Mayo.

-The Shield-

"Not Gonna Die" by Skillet

I’m not a Christian. I’m not even religious. In the immortal words of Bill Maher, saying atheism is a religion is like saying abstinence is a sex position. Having gotten these items off my chest, my nonreligious status doesn’t deter me away from the beautiful and inspirational music of Skillet. If you listen carefully to the lyrics from “Collide” on, you’ll notice that rarely do they actually mention Jesus or God by name. So that means the lyrics of the songs in which they’re professing their love to someone could be directed at anybody (at least in the atheist listener’s mind). They could be directed at a girlfriend or a wife. John Cooper singing the lyrics “My heart hurts for you” strikes a romantic chord whether that was the intention or not. Before I knew that “Lucy” was a pro-life anthem, I figured it to just be a song about missing people in general, whether they’re dead or simply out of your life. Even though Skillet is considered Christian rock, the listener doesn’t necessarily have to interpret the lyrics as religious. Everybody makes their own interpretations and nobody’s going to tell them otherwise. Let me tell you what the song “Not Gonna Die” means to me. It may be a call to believe in Jesus harder than you already do, but to me, it’s simply an anthem of not throwing in the towel when life becomes too hard to handle. When you give up, you “whisper goodbye” and “flat-line”. But when you “stand and fight forever”, your hard work will bear fruit. It makes me wish this song came out between 2007 and 2009 instead of smack-dab in the middle of 2013. I could have listened to this song forever when I was feeling lonely in college and missing my family. So instead of wishing in one hand and shitting in the other, I used “Not Gonna Die” as inspiration for a short story of the same title. Mario Gustafson, the lead character, finds himself in a similar situation as I was back in my college days. Mario was alone in his dorm room with no one to talk to and his family so many miles away. The difference between me and Mario is that the latter finds his “American family” (he’s a Swedish exchange student) in the form of an unhappy girlfriend of his roommate. Mario takes advantage of Tammy (the girlfriend’s) fragile situation and the two of them form a semi-romantic friendship that is sure to last them at least until the end of college. I’ve never been more jealous of a fictional character in my life. I had a few female friends in college, but we didn’t talk a lot then and we don’t talk a lot now that we have this wonderful invention called Face Book. Do you have a piece of music that speaks to you this way? If so, don’t hesitate to make art out of the inspiration you feel. You might have an idea one day and then it’ll fade away with a quickness if you don’t write it down fast enough. Even for those of you who aren’t “musical people”, if not a beautiful song, then a beautiful movie, TV show, book, or videogame. Find inspiration in something, goddamn it! Heh, I said “goddamn it” in a blog about Christian music. Hehe!

　

***DEPRESSING JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do romance and All That Remains have in common?

A: A War You Cannot Win.