Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Incelbordination, Chapter 10


Oswald floated through the sunlit air as a familiar feminine voice whispered to him. “Come closer, my love. Come closer.” The little guy half-closed his eyes in anticipation of the seduction. The closer he floated towards this voice, the brighter the sunlight became. Whoever was sending these vibes had the radiance of an angel. And then Oswald could see a pair of plump red lips calling for him and making kissing noises to further tempt him. He puckered his own marijuana-scented lips and prepared for the love-making session he desperately desired.

And then the little guy opened his eyes and saw those red lips were hiding a serpentine tongue and elongated fangs dripping with poison. Oswald’s heart thumped in his chest and his eyes widened upon learning this face belonged to Antero Magnus, whose cyan eyes rolled so far back in his head that redness became horrifyingly apparent. “Give me a kiss, lover boy!” slithered Antero before taking a massive bite out of his former protégé’s skull. Oswald’s brains oozed out of the bite marks while his skull cracked in half, rendering him lifeless in an instant.

“Oswald, wake up!” shouted a more genuine female voice and the dwarf snapped awake while inhaling a raspy breath. Sitting up in his bed and soaked to the bone with sweat, he noticed he was back in his dorm room just like Nikita Johnson promised. Low and behold, there she was standing over his exhausted body with wetness in her eyes. “I’m glad you’re okay,” she said. “You looked like you were having a nightmare.”

The little person wiped the blurriness out of his eyes and said, “I did have a nightmare. A bunch of virgins in masks came and beat the shit out of everyone at school. Wait a minute. That was just a nightmare, right?”

“I’m afraid not, Oswald. Our college really was attacked. It’s all over the media. I was watching GNN on my phone.” The dwarf tried to crawl out of bed, but Nikita placed a hand in front of him to keep him from doing so. “Don’t, Oswald. You’re hurt. Just lay there for a few more minutes.”

Oswald face-palmed and whispered, “Goddamn you, Antero.”

“What did you just say?”

“Um…I, uh…oh, no…”

Nikita folded her arms and asked, “How do you know who Antero Magnus is?”

“How do YOU know him?”

Nikita sighed and sat down on the bed next to her rescuer’s feet. She rubbed the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger before finally satisfying Oswald’s curiosity. “He’s in one of my classes. I’m double majoring in English and political science and apparently he’s majoring in political science too. Every single time he’d share one of his papers with the class…he…” She wiped a tear from her eye. “He just sounded so entitled. He felt like the world owed him sex. He was incredibly sexist on so many levels. I don’t think he’d even be happy if he found a relationship. He’d just continue the cycle of hatred. And the worst part about this is….my professor is too scared to challenge him because he thinks Antero will snap.”

“That definitely sounds like something he’d do,” said Oswald absentmindedly before backpedaling with a series of “um’s” and “uh’s”.

“Are you hiding something from me? How do you know Antero? Please be honest.” No answer. Just a nervous stare from the little guy. “Oswald, if you know something about Antero, you need to tell me. You heard those masked guys yelling things like Love Is Black and muttering shit about Chads and Stacys. If Antero really is behind all of that, you need to tell the police. That’s information they need.” Still no answer. “Oswald, what’s going on?!”

The dwarf sighed and plopped his head back on the pillow. “Antero tried to get me to join his group. He calls it Incelbordination or some shit like that.”

“You didn’t actually join them, did you?” asked Nikita with a shaky voice. “Oswald, if I find out you’re mixed up in this sexist crap, I’m going to…”

“I turned them down!” A long beat of uncomfortable silence hung between them. “I saw what those people are capable of. I’ve been to one of their chat rooms. The shit they talked about…it was disgusting. They joked about murdering and raping women. Although, it turned out not to be much of a joke, did it.”

“You need to go to the police and tell them everything you know.”

“…I’m sorry, Nikita, I can’t.”

“Why not?” Another beat of silence built a wall between them until Nikita’s eyes widened at something that appeared to be in Oswald’s coat, which he still wore in bed. She reached inside despite the dwarf swatting at her hands and pulled out several ready rolls. “Oh my god…this is why? You’re afraid the police are going to find these?”

Holding up his hands defensively, Oswald explained, “Look, I have a prescription for those, okay? I’ve got a severe case of depression and pot is the only thing that’s working.”

“Are you sure it’s working?” asked Nikita rhetorically. “Because I’ve heard your love stories in Valerie’s class. I’ve heard your poetry. Whatever’s wrong with you, these rolls aren’t doing the trick.”

“Sometimes they take a while to kick in!” snapped Oswald. “Then again, sometimes there isn’t a cure for what’s going on in real life!”

“If you’re not going to report Antero to the police, then I will. I’ll even put in a good word for you with the cops!”

“You can’t do that, Nikita! You can’t force your straightedge crap on the whole fucking world! It doesn’t work like that! I need that marijuana just to get me through the day unscathed! It’s not my fault everybody else wants to be a prick and fuck up my therapy!”

Nikita’s face transformed from desperate tears to passionate anger at the “straightedge crap” talking point. “Just so you know, I do have a dog in this fight when it comes to drugs and alcohol. My dad smoked all the weed he could find and on top of that drank every bottle of booze within a ten mile fucking radius. He did all of this when I was just a little girl. He’d come home from work smelling like he’d just bathed in raw sewage. And then late at night he went for a drive…” She wiped a way another tear and sniffled. “He never came home. Crashed into the river and drowned. I blame him for everything, but I blame the drugs he took even more.”

Oswald sighed and face-palmed once again. “I’m sorry for your loss, Nikita. Trust me, I know how that feels.”

“Then why are you smoking this shit to begin with?!” screamed Nikita, causing her target to pull the covers halfway over his face. “If you know how it feels, then why are you repeating this garbage?! This stuff isn’t curing you. It’s making you into a monster. You want proof? You’re worried that the cops are going to find this on you when you throw Antero under the bus. Well…I don’t have to worry about that because I’m not stupid enough to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.”

“Nikita…please give those back to me.”

“Not a chance, Oswald. I’m not going to let you fuck over this entire school after what they went through!”

“Why, you little!” grunted the dwarf as he attempted to roll out of bed and onto his feet. Because of his injuries, all he could do was plop on his ass and pull a muscle in his lower back. He screamed and coughed while pounding the floor with his fist, ignoring the fact that there used to be glass in his knuckles.

“I’m sorry, Oswald…but you did this to yourself!” said Nikita before turning around and marching away.

“No, wait! Don’t go! You can’t turn me in for this! They’ll put me in prison forever! I don’t’ deserve that shit!” The sound of Nikita slamming the front door behind her prompted Oswald to scream even more curse words while pounding the floor with both fists this time as well as his heels. He didn’t get much offense into the floor due to his agonized lower back, but that didn’t stop him from trying.

Just like Nikita before him, Oswald found an excuse to shed tears, but his own sobbing was loud and obnoxious enough to awaken his couch potato roommate, who screamed, “Hey! Shut up in there!” Except Oswald didn’t shut up. He cursed and pounded the ground some more until he was ready for another trip to the subconscious theater.

“Don’t do this to me, Nikita,” he whispered as he was falling asleep again. “Please…don’t…do…this…”

Monday, August 13, 2018

Halestorm X In This Moment Concert


***HALESTORM X IN THIS MOMENT CONCERT***

It’s true, folks: I’ve been going to a lot of concerts this year alone. In chronological order, I’ve seen Pop Evil, Starset, Papa Roach, Soulfly, Breaking Benjamin, and Seether as headliners. This coming Friday, I’m going to see Halestorm and In This Moment as co-headliners in Seattle with New Years Day as their opener. It’ll be my first time seeing all three of these bands, so I’m happy for the new experience. I’ve been a fan of In This Moment since 2013 when their lead singer Maria Brink did a duet with Five Finger Death Punch (the song was called “Anywhere But Here”). I’ve been a fan of Halestorm ever since their lead singer Lzzy Hale did a duet with Device called “Close My Eyes Forever”. My CD collection of both bands is complete and I’m ready to see them on Friday. I’ve never heard New Years Day’s music before, so I hope they’re good!

If you’re wondering why I’m going to so many concerts lately, it’s because these shows are opportunities to get out of the house and engage the public. Even hardcore introverts need to socialize every now and then, though I don’t actively seek people in the audience to talk to. I don’t have a car of my own and the only places within walking distance worth going to are Fred Meyer, Quizno’s, Hi-Way Market, and Charlie’s Café. Not only are cars expensive to maintain and buy, but I don’t trust myself behind the wheel because I’m always thinking about having a schizophrenic attack in the middle of traffic. Schizophrenia thrives on stress and there’s nothing more stressful than being stuck in traffic. We don’t need a collision and we don’t need dead bodies. Other people in my family are more than happy to drive me to my respective venues, this Friday’s show being at the WaMu Theater near Century Link Field.

I’m Garrison Kelly and here’s hoping for a fun evening! Even when you feel like…no, wait, Three Days Grace isn’t going to be there. Oh well!


***SAVAGE BEATINGS***

Though I’m not technically allowed to publish Savage Beatings on my social media accounts, I will say that I’ve rewritten the first part out of five to accommodate for Marie Krepps’ suggested changes to Beautiful Monster. This time around, Windham’s emotions will be consistent, he won’t act like an emo teenager, and the world building in this fantasy setting will be as clear as day. I know Patrick in particular loved reading about psychotic Windham bloodying his foes, but in the interest of having a more realistic product, I can’t have Windham’s emotions bounce all over the place like a character from The Room. I also can’t have him eat psychedelic mushrooms and have him transform into Broken Matt Hardy meets Pink Floyd the Wall. My ears are open for the lovely Marie Krepps, because she knows best. Wish me luck!


***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“She’s only sixteen. She had the dreams of a girl. She thought she’d be in love. She’d thought she’d have the white picket fence. Now she stands on the corner. She sold herself to the streets. When the world gave up on her, she gave up on herself. She said, “Can anybody hear me?” She said, “Does anybody care?” The monster pulls up slowly. He asks her how much she is.”

-In This Moment singing “Out of Hell”-

Sunday, August 12, 2018

All Men Must Die


VERSE 1
You’re touching and feeling
He’s sexually appealing
All of his no’s are final
Still he feels suicidal

CHORUS
In your heart
All men must
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
You don’t care!
Don’t you dare!

VERSE 2
Tell him to man up
As you grab nuts
He must like it
He doesn’t fight it

CHORUS
In your heart
All men must
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
You don’t care!
Don’t you dare!

BRIDGE
Police report
Been here before
Choose to ignore
Ass out the door
Fall on the floor
Get ready for more
See what’s in store
For the man whore

VERSE 3
Back the fuck up
You media suck up
Stick your microphone
Where the sun never shone
He wants revenge
He wants to defend
He wants your head
He wants you dead

CHORUS
In your heart
All men must
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
You don’t care!
Don’t you dare!

Thursday, August 9, 2018

Let's Have a Threesome


***LET’S HAVE A THREESOME***

No, I’m not talking about that kind of threesome, you perv! I’m talking about three different creative projects that are currently going on in my life. The month of August will be a busy one and quite frankly I wouldn’t have it any other way. Not only do I have a Halestorm X In This Moment concert coming up on the 17th, but the very next day I get to see my niece Reina perform in a play like she does every summer at drama camp. On a side note, “drama camp” sounds like a place where a bunch of sad saps get together to whine about life. Oh wait, it’s not that kind of drama? Oops! Reina has her creative project for August and I’ve got mine. Let’s take a look at these three things, shall we?


***SAVAGE BEATINGS***

Every few months, Hollow Hills publishing (Marie Krepps’s business) puts out a themed anthology and this upcoming installment, called Still Standing, will focus on bullying. Proceeds from the sales of this book will go to various anti-bullying charities, though I haven’t found out which ones yet. I wanted to be a part of this project, but I didn’t have any short stories in my archives that met the six thousand word minimum. And that was when Marie gave me a brilliant idea that I will always thank her for: write a prequel to Beautiful Monster that details Windham Xavier’s first few days of training at Paladin Cross. Beautiful Monster already has the themes of bullying, so this prequel that I’ve dubbed Savage Beatings (named after Kody and Christian Savage) will touch on those same aspects. I’ve already written part one of this five piece story and I have until the end of August to complete it. Piece of cake! I’d love to share it with you guys, but as long as I’m published with Hollow Hills, I can’t publish it anywhere else and that includes social media. It makes sense from a business standpoint, so I’m not going to complain about it at all. Otherwise, I’ll have to be sent kicking and screaming to “drama camp”. Wait a minute! That’s not what it’s about! Hehe!


***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***

Of course, Marie wouldn’t have given me the idea for Savage Beatings if I didn’t recruit her to beta-read Beautiful Monster. You know you’re a writer when the idea of receiving mountains of feedback is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. It’s exciting because Marie’s advice will no doubt bring Beautiful Monster to brand new heights. It’s terrifying because judging from her notes so far, I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me. But hey, hard work isn’t so bad, especially when I know it’s coming. Besides, Marie Krepps is an excellent beta-reader. Without her, none of my six published books would be possible. She’s thoughtful, funny as hell, and she can be these things without being judgmental towards the author. I think the latter of those three things is the most important, especially when I’ve written a novel about sensitive topics such as male rape and PTSD. Her fully detailed notes will be available to me by the 12th of this month. One thing I already know? Tarja Rikkinen is in serious need of character rehab. She’s too manipulative to be likeable. Hell, in the fifth chapter, she openly admits to using seduction as a trust-building tactic! Holy shit!


***INCELBORDINATION***

As I’ve said before, I’m forbidden from posting Savage Beatings online. Depending on whether or not Marie wants to publish Beautiful Monster through Hollow Hills, I’ll probably have to delete the chapters from my social media accounts. But these things cannot be said about Incelbordination, which I will still work on despite the other two projects looming over me. I’m still a member of the WSS on Good Reads and I always enjoy entering their friendly short story contests. Incelbordination will be the ongoing project that gets uploaded to social media, including Good Reads. Would you like to know what chapter ten will be about? Tough shit! No spoilers for you! Hahahahahahaha!


***CONCLUSION***

One night while I was suffering from heat exhaustion, I made a list of mantras in my falling-apart Lego journal. One of them is “Kick August’s Ass”. No, I don’t personally know anybody named August or Gus, I’m talking about the month. It’s going to be a busy month and come hell or high water I’ll kick the shit out of August and walk into September smelling like roses. Waiting for me on the other side is my Dad’s birthday and the very next day after that an Evanescence X Lindsay Stirling concert at the White River Amphitheater. This would be the part of the blog where Marie tells me that she’s jealous of my concerts before calling me an affectionate insult. Hehe! I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain! Hey, those lyrics work!


***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

SMOKEY: Raaaaawr! Raaaaaaaawr!

GARRISON: Shut up, Smokey, I’m trying to watch a video!

JAMES: But Garrison, she’s singing for you.

GARRISON: No, she’s not. She’s making loud noises.

JAMES: Is that what your favorite bands do? Smokey’s a better singer than they are.

GARRISON: That’s not true, James! It’s good music! You’re being judgmental!

JAMES: No, I’m not. I’m being honest.

GARRISON: Goddamn it, James!

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Are You Shipping Me?


***ARE YOU SHIPPING ME?***

In honor of my supportive Deviant Art friend Patrick Doran a.k.a. The Lone Wolf, I’m bringing back a meme/game that I did for Occupy Wrestling where I randomly chose two characters from a long list and put them together as a couple. This time I’m using characters from my most recent first draft novels, Silent Warrior, Beautiful Monster, and Incelbordination. There are twenty-seven names on this list and I plan on burning through ten of them for the sake of this game (that means I’ll be shipping five different potential couples). These selections will be completely random and will not pay any mind to gender or sexual orientation. Are you ready to play America’s game? No, it’s not Wheel of Fortune, so step aside, Pat Sajak! This new game is called…Are You Shipping Me? Are you ready to play? Let’s get started! Here’s the list of characters I’ve compiled:

  1. Adrienne Simpson, teenaged MPDG
  2. Alan Young, high school bully
  3. Aloysius Striker, puppet teacher
  4. Antero Magnus, involuntary celibate
  5. Beth George, overbearing mother
  6. Carter George, dead father
  7. Christian Savage, claw-wielding mercenary
  8. Craig Dunham, jock bully
  9. Julie Simpson, Adrienne’s mother
  10. Kody Savage, chicken shit mercenary
  11. Linda Williams, high school principal
  12. Mia Barry, police detective
  13. Michelle Xavier, elf queen
  14. Misty Keith, student with Down’s Syndrome
  15. Nikita Johnson, English student
  16. Orpheus Rinehart, fat mercenary boss
  17. Oswald Crow, lonely dwarf
  18. Paul Corbin, surrogate history teacher
  19. Scott George, traumatized student
  20. Shelly Atwood, vampire rapist
  21. Simone Archer, trauma therapist
  22. Tarja Rikkinen, staff-wielding mercenary
  23. Tom Simpson, authoritarian teacher
  24. Torger Manson, vampire enforcer
  25. Valerie Sand, English teacher
  26. Wacey Judge, gym bully
  27. Windham Xavier, whip-wielding elf mercenary

Spin the wheel or buy a vowel! Damn it, this still isn’t Wheel of Fortune! Piss off, Sajak!


***FIRST COUPLE: SHELLY X ANTERO***

I swear this couple pairing was only a coincidence, but Patrick and I joked all the time about how these two deserve each other. With Shelly Atwood, you’ve got a woman who destroys men’s self-esteem by forcing them into sex slavery. With Antero Magnus, you’ve got a guy with no self-esteem to begin with because he can’t get laid. The kicker? Both of these train wrecks are the villains of their respective stories, so try not to feel bad for either of them. In fact, be sure to wish them well as they tie the knot and spread misery and hatred across the land together!


***SECOND COUPLE: ALOYSIUS X BETH***

Considering both of these women are from Silent Warrior and they both play a pivotal role in Scott George’s life, I can definitely see them being a couple. Never mind the fact that Aloysius appears as a nightmarish puppet in Scott’s dreams. Hell, she can be one of those inflatable sex puppets if Beth so desired. Both women have a nasty habit of making Scott’s life miserable, whether in the dream world or in real life. They’re both bossy as hell, they both demand conformity and obedience, and if you read far enough into the novel, you’ll understand Aloysius’s most significant connection to Scott’s life. With Carter George dead as a doornail, Beth is ripe for the picking, so come on down, Aloysius! You’re the next contestant on The Price Is Right! Goddamn it, not you too, Drew Carey!


***THIRD COUPLE: TOM X PAUL (TAUL)***

Okay, so I tried not to bring spoilers into this, but in order for the context to make sense, I’m afraid I’m going to have to. So if you haven’t read far enough into Silent Warrior yet and you don’t want to be spoiled, skip past this one. But oh my god, you talk about cats and dogs, you’ve got Tom Simpson and Paul Corbin. Tom is known throughout the story as an autocratic teacher who demands conformity and even came up with his own quote for it: “Democracy is dead!” Paul Corbin replaces him and has a much more positive impact on his students. You think if Tom and Paul became a couple that there wouldn’t be any professional jealousy? Oh, goddamn, think of all the arguments they’d have!


***FOURTH COUPLE: WINDHAM X SCOTT (WINDHOTT)***

Unlike Tom and Paul before them, this couple could actually relate to each other on a personal level and the fighting would be kept to a minimum. They’re both mentally scarred from their experiences. They both fight for their individuality in a world that demands obedience. They both have the power to change the world, though Windham uses his whip for that and Scott uses his words. They’re both passionate when it comes to their relationships. And for all of you out there who are concerned about age differences, don’t worry, Scott is eighteen and one hundred percent legal. In fact, his age becomes a huge factor in how Silent Warrior plays out. But yes, Windham and Scott would make a cute couple despite the fact that Scott dresses like a hobo and Windham is this gorgeous man stud in shining armor.


***FINAL COUPLE: CARTER X TORGER (TORTER)***

For the sake of argument, Carter George, who started Silent Warrior as a dead body, will remain a corpse during his shipping with Torger Manson. And why not? It’s usually Torger’s stepsister Shelly who gets to “have all the fun” (and I’m saying that with a sour stomach). Torger needs love too (again, I say that with a bad taste in my mouth). Why should Shelly get to choose the slaves all the time (again, ugh!)? The closest thing to fun Torger will ever have is if his victims are dead. Given that he’s high on psychedelic mushrooms all the time, that’d be the only way he’d agree to this necromantic relationship. And that’s assuming Torger has standards to begin with, which is questionable at times during Beautiful Monster.


***CONCLUSION***

Our Final Jeopardy category is…goddamn it, Alex Trebek, get out of here! This isn’t your show! I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time! Are You Shipping Me is a production of Merv Griffin Enterprises and is distributed by King World…no, it isn’t!


***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

REINA: How was the Seether concert?

GARRISON: Fine.

REINA: Did you meet any cute girls?

GARRISON: A short girl locked arms with me during “Fine Again”, but I didn’t do anything in return.

REINA: This seems to be a recurring theme when you go to concerts. First there was that girl at the Slipknot concert who kissed your hand and now this.

GARRISON: There was also the time at the Pop Evil concert when a girl tried to dance with me, but I walked away from her when she elbowed another concertgoer.

REINA: Yeah, that was the right choice.

GARRISON: I have no idea why women are trying to seduce me at concerts.

REINA: Maybe a shape-shifter is after you. Maybe you’re the shape-shifter.

GARRISON: I’m not a shape-shifter.

REINA: That’s exactly what a shape-shifter would say if he was denying it.

GARRISON: Damn it, Reina, you say that with everything I deny being!

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Incelbordination, Chapter 9


When the Monday morning sunshine burst through his window, Oswald Crow contemplated taking the day off. He could tell Valerie Sand that he had come down with food poisoning or something. Then again, if he pulled that sneaky trick, the C- would become a D+ in no time at all. He wasn’t sick, but he’d have to take his medicine anyways. He pounded his fists into the pillow as he dragged himself out of bed to get ready for class. Why did Monday mornings have to exist in the first place, especially when Sunday mornings were days when Incelbordination “went to war”. The thought of their hate speech made Oswald feel as though he had worms crawling in his stomach.

What would be on his MP3 player today? Something to relax him? Something to hype him up? A band to share his sadness with? Nah, he didn’t feel like music today. He just put on his trench coat and fucked off to English class. With Incelbordination clouding every corner of his mind, he didn’t feel like he could concentrate on music. If that was the case, what made him think he could concentrate on schoolwork? Maybe he should have taken the day off and smoked a shit ton of weed. Eh, maybe not.

Oswald’s posture drooped over as he headed to class, barely paying attention to the sets of shoes around him. Some of the “Stacys” had worn sandals and shorts on this fine spring day, but he didn’t give a damn anymore, not after Valerie gave him shit about it this past Friday. Oh crap, he actually had to see her and had very little time to get there. He kept telling himself to turn around and take a personal day, but his zombie body pushed him forward nonetheless.

The only thing bombastic enough to awaken him was the sound of an explosion followed by van engines and young men screaming incoherent slogans about not getting laid. Oswald had just unknowingly stumbled upon a terrorist attack and watched in horror as masked men went around beating the shit out of other students. Some of them whipped “Stacys” with belts. Some of them punched “Chads” with brass knuckles. Those who were driving the vans mowed down both “Chads” and “Stacys” like human bowling pins, though the terrorists would clearly dispute the human part of that analogy.

“Oh no…Oh my fucking lord…” Oswald said to himself as he knelt down and held his head in his hands. He believed he was powerless to stop this madness even with his superior boxing skills. So many masked men…so many weapons…so many vans…and here was this dwarf just waiting to get his ass kicked or even worse. He believed wholeheartedly that he brought this upon himself. He should have told Detective Barry about this when he had the chance.

“Help!” shouted a terrified feminine voice muffled by a glass door. Oswald collected himself and noticed his one true crush Nikita Johnson banging on the glass door of his English class begging for a rescue. “Someone help me! Please!” she shouted over and over again.

One more dead Stacy doesn’t matter, an intrusive inner voice told Oswald. No. It does matter. It has to matter. This madness had to stop. Cracking his knuckles and both sides of his neck, Oswald bolted towards the glass door and shouted, “Nikita, hang on!” He rolled up his trench coat sleeves and started punching the shit out of the glass door. This was no doubt tough material that left his knuckles bleeding and his hands calloused. But one crack in the glass turned into two. Two turned into four. Just a few more pain wracking punches that sent shockwaves through his numbed out arm. And then the glass door shattered and Nikita was free.

Before she could taste freedom, a heavyset man wearing a black mask hand-gagged her  and pulled her backwards kicking and screaming. “Get your fucking mitts off of her, you sick prick!” shouted Oswald before punching the terrorist in the knee and buckling him. The dwarf ignored the pain now shooting up to his shoulders as he threw a few more heavy rights and lefts until the terrorist’s knee was completely blown out. Letting go of Nikita, the fat man collapsed to the ground crying like a bitch while Oswald’s hands bled some more.

Nikita leaned down and quickly examined the dwarf’s knuckles. She said, “Come on, let’s get you out of here! My car’s in the parking lot. Let’s go!” She gave Oswald a piggy-back ride and bolted out of the classroom, zig-zagging between various masked men pummeling their prey. Even in Birkenstocks, Nikita ran with the coordination of an athlete. Oswald had little time to admire her physicality as his knuckles bled all over her blue T-shirt. There were probably pieces of glass stuck in them.

Another heavyweight terrorist grabbed Nikita by her arm as she trashed and yelled, “Get your hands off of me, you pervert!” Not wanting to further injure his hands, Oswald leapt onto the jerk and head-butted him until blood soaked the man’s mask. The world around the dwarf seemed to spin like an amusement park ride after so many head strikes. Nikita had to pull him off the thug and piggy-back him some more.

The duo finally made it to Nikita’s car, though the angry voices behind them grew even more vicious the more she fumbled with her keys. She eventually found the right one, but was so jittery that she had trouble fitting it in the door. Another thug had jumped on top of the car wielding a crowbar and that was enough to knock both Nikita and Oswald backwards in fright. The thug chanted over and over again, “Love is black!” while raising his weapon in the air.

“Don’t hurt us! Leave us alone, you coward!” begged Nikita as she curled into the fetal position. The thug jumped down from the roof and raised his weapon like he was going to strike any second. Oswald was still fading in and out of clarity, but even with minimal equilibrium, he kicked the thug in the ankle and had him hopping up and down. After he dropped the crowbar, Oswald grabbed his other ankle and with one hard tug tripped him to the ground, making sure he hit his head on the roof.

Once the thug was KO’ed, Oswald struggled so much to help Nikita to her feet that he nearly blacked out. She hurried and fit the key in the door successfully this time before situating the dwarf in the passenger seat. He was so out of it that he didn’t bother to fasten his seatbelt. Nikita wasted no time in getting in the driver’s seat and getting the engine going, peeling out of there like a bat out of hell. She had to run over another thug in order to obtain a clear path to freedom, but she did and kept going.

“I need to take you to a hospital, you’re hurt!” sobbed Nikita.

“No! The hospital’s going to be backed up. Take me back to my dorm room. I’ve got medical shit we can use there. I just hope the cops can come in time to stop this BS.”

Oswald started to drift into darkness, but Nikita kept shaking his shoulder and saying, “Stay with me, little guy! This isn’t over yet! I’ll get you back to your dorm in no time at all!”

The dwarf’s speech began to slur as he talked nonsense for the rest of the ride to the dorm. “That C- is going to kill humanity…she’s going to steal the world’s pot and…”

“Oswald, what the hell are you talking about?!” No response. “Oswald, please wake up!” Still no response. “Oswald! No!” Nikita shook him harder and harder, but he still wouldn’t snap out of his concussion wonderland, if a concussion was what he indeed had. A psychiatrist might lean towards PTSD, a disease which got thrown around a lot on campus, but was completely justified this time around. What the dwarf would give for some pot right at that moment. Beautiful, mind-numbing, pain-dulling pot that made mundane clouds look like vanilla ice cream.

Nah, he couldn’t very well pull a ready roll out in this strange woman’s car. Come to think of it, even in his head-butt induced darkness, he seemed to remember her sharing an English assignment with the class about her straightedge beliefs. Maybe inviting her back to the dorm was a bad idea since that was where all of the magic medicine was kept. Then again, Oswald had nowhere else to go to, both to escape Incelbordination and to find permanence in life.

At this moment, Nikita Johnson was the closest thing to a godsend he had. Even though he was perfectly capable of sprinting long distances, she gave him a piggyback ride to safety after seeing his hands bleeding. Bloody hands weren’t unusual for a boxer at Oswald’s level, but never had it warranted a piggyback ride. Maybe the massive blood loss was making his mind go berserk. Then again, maybe it was the general loveliness of Nikita even though she was in hysterics. Before he finally drifted into the subconscious theater, Oswald had a tiny smile on his face knowing the two of them would finally be alone together.

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Incelbordination, Chapter 8


“Every Sunday, when America goes to church, Incelbordination goes to war!” Oswald was pretty sure Antero stole that line from an NFL videogame commercial, but it was effective word porn nonetheless. Oswald dragged his ass out of bed and signed onto the Incelbordination chat room where that church slogan came from. Upon receiving the URL to that chat room, Antero told him that they never had physical meeting places because of Mia Barry’s investigation against him. They also didn’t use the same URL every time, also for the same purpose. The clandestine nature of these Sunday meetings made Oswald feel like a rebel, like he actually could bring a shock to the system.

When he signed in under the username LittleFury21, he whistled in awe of how many people were part of this chat room. So many young men on campus like him who felt betrayed by their peers. So much potential crushed by the world around them. So many dreams turned into permanent nightmares. This was definitely Oswald’s true territory, not a classroom of judgmental eyes or a home he couldn’t go to anymore.

BLACK_PILL_KING (Antero’s Username): Good morning, everyone! Welcome to our weekly Incelbordination meeting. You all know who I am by now. But I’m sure none of you know who LittleFury21 is. He’s our newest acquisition and quite possibly our saving grace in this wretched life. Everyone say hello!

Sure enough, the entire chat room did so and that alone made Oswald feel welcome, unlike any other school environment he was in.

BLACK_PILL_KING: The floor is yours, little guy. Introduce yourself to our Supreme Gentlemen!

LITTLEFURY21: Hello, everyone. I was told not to use real names prior to this meeting, so I won’t give away mine. But as many of you guessed by now, Little Fury isn’t just some catchy title. I really am three feet tall and south of a hundred pounds. Men and women alike go out of their way to avoid me and those who do pay attention only want to disparage me before getting the chance to know who I am.

RAGE_GOD31: Ever thought about punching them in the dick?

LITTLEFURY21: All the time, Rage God. I actually did have to learn how to box when I was young. If I didn’t throw those heavy punches, I’d probably be deader than a doornail right now. Hell, I’m probably going to be dead in a few years anyways. Dying of a lonely heart isn’t at all unheard of.

DEATH_MASTER2000: You know, you can do something about this. Ever thought about going out in a blaze of glory? That’s probably the only way any of us will ever be noticed. Look at what happened to Eliot Rodger.

LITTLEFURY21: I think about it more often than you think, Death Master. The problem is…I just don’t have it in me to go through with it.

MCDONALDS_PIMP69: If you ever need coaxing along, just remember that there are no innocent victims. The whole world is guilty for pushing you aside. If nobody else will be the judge, jury, and executioner, then you take those roles yourself. Don’t puss out on us now!

LITTLEFURY21: That’s all well and good, but I don’t exactly have a warehouse full of bazookas and machetes readily available. My legs are also too short to operate the pedals on a German tank. LOL!

BLACK_PILL_KING: Heavy artillery is overrated, Little Fury. It’s expensive, it’s hard to smuggle, and it’s more obvious than the hard-on those tank cannons look like. If you need the tools to get the job done and can’t rely on your boxing skills alone…we can help you with that!

LITTLEFURY21: Wait a minute…you guys actually have…guns?!

BLACK_PILL_KING: Not just guns, my friend. Chainsaws, knives, baseball bats covered in razor wire, and even a few vans to turn Chads and Stacys into pretty little pancakes. Then after we flatten them, we can put our special whipped cream all over them while they bleed out strawberries. It’ll be like having breakfast at IHOP.

The constant barrage of LOL’s and LMAO’s from the other incels sent chills up Oswald’s spine and made his fingers go numb. Thank god there was a waste bucket next to his computer desk in case he needed something to barf into. The thought of speaking up put nervous energy in his stomach, but he knew he had to do it.

LITTLEFURY21: Guys, this shit isn’t funny.

BIG_DADDY_G: Are you kidding me? This is fucking hilarious! Besides, if your legs were long enough to drive a van, you’d want to splatter everything in sight too!

BLACK_PILL_KING: I agree 100%. Seriously, why the change of heart?

LITTLEFURY21: Look, I can appreciate the fact that you guys hate the world and want to watch it burn and all, but this is ridiculous. You’re making jokes about murdering people and I’m actually afraid you guys might do it someday.

SUPER_FREAK72: Dude, take your skirt off and be a man for once. You know the only chance you’d get laid is if you killed the chick yourself. Even then, I think it’s a long shot since your legs aren’t the only short thing about you.

LITTLEFURY21: How about instead of hiding behind a computer screen, you say that shit to my face? Yeah, and I’M the one walking around in a skirt.

SUPER_FREAK72: If you and I were to fight, I’d win every single time. Now fall in line before I make you eat your meals through a straw!

BLACK_PILL_KING: Okay, children, that’s enough. We’re supposed to be unified by this shit, not tearing each other apart. We’ve got big plans and I will not have them scrapped by a bunch of infighting!

LITTLEFURY21: What do you mean “big plans”? You’re not actually talking about…you know…

BLACK_PILL_KING: I don’t know, maybe I am, maybe I’m not. Maybe I’ll have to rethink my whole strategy if you’re not fully committed to Incelbordination. I understand you’re new to this group, but everybody has to pay their dues.

LITTLEFURY21: And by “paying my dues”, you mean going out and committing murder and necrophilia. If that’s the case, then your Uncle Tuomas won’t have to worry about not getting laid anymore.

The swear words, epithets, and death threats from the other members flooded the chat room to where the system almost crashed. Antero tried to restore order, but the messages of hate came so frequently that he couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Oswald did what most immature computer users did and argued back against Incelbordination’s finest. The slurs came more frequently and nearly send him spiraling into insanity. The dwarf even held his head and rocked back and forth before leaving the chat room and taking deep breaths.

Oswald had enough venom for the world to fill two chemical factories and a biological weapons carrier. Yet even he was disgusted by what he saw in that chat room. His heart raced, his stomach ached, and his mind swirled with words like “faggot”, “pussy”, and “prison bitch”. Images of him being stabbed, shot, stomped, or even raped in the asshole made him wish he had forgotten Incelbordination even existed. No woman was worth this much poison. In fact, he would even welcome hugs from Valerie Sand, Nikita Johnson, and Mia Barry of they were offered.

Tomorrow was Monday, which meant another round of criticism from his English teacher. Oswald held his pain-wracked stomach at the thought of having to choose between being criticized by Valerie and being cyber-bullied by a bunch of virgin terrorists. It was the classic case of Death or  Unga-Bunga all over again. If he was going to be laughed at for the thousandth time, he might as well have put his best foot forward.

“Okay, Oswald, you can do this. Just breathe…just concentrate…” He pulled the C- covered paper out of his backpack and tried to focus on correcting his many mistakes. He had a whole Sunday to get the job done and he had completed his homework assignments from his other classes. If there was ever time to puff the magic dragon…