Lisa Roberts

I’ve never been much of a John Wayne guy. I also never condoned the idea of cowboys shooting at Indians for no particular reason other than to be dicks. So why then would the western genre interest me enough to almost write a story about called Tombstone Technique? Because everything, and I do mean everything, can be made better…with magic! Cowboys shooting magic bullets at each other and Indians firing lightning arrows at their attackers. Bank robberies being done with shadowy skull staves and ten-pace shootouts being done with bone wands. My idea of a western story would be a sick hybrid of A Million Ways to Die in the West, Diablo II: Lord of Destruction, and Harry Potter.

That’s where Deputy Lisa Roberts comes in. You want to know where I got the name Lisa Roberts from? I stole it from NCIS: Los Angeles. It was a cover name used by Kensi Blye when she was going undercover as a warehouse thief. Actually, that’s an episode I’d rather forget, because it ends with Kensi getting punched in the jaw to the point where she can’t chew her food.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have the time or patience to expand Tombstone Technique beyond a genre hodgepodge and a roster of names. That means of course we have a lot of work to do when it comes to developing Lisa Roberts. And no, the word “development” has nothing to do with her breasts, you sick freak. It simply means we know nothing about her. She’s a clean slate and we need a piece of chalk to create art.

First and foremost, I want Lisa Roberts to be tough and sexy at the same time. I want her to rock a pair of jean shorts and to kick the balls of any man perverted enough to stare at her legs. I want her to have a revolver in one hand and a skull wand in the other. Whenever she has assholes on both sides of her, she can pump some lead into one side and shoot lightning bolts, bone spears, poison daggers, and fireballs on the other. But what if she got the crazy idea of imbuing her bullets with magical powers? Fireball bullets. Lightning bullets. Ice bullets. How about bullets that contain all three of those mystic elements? I have to fan myself off for a minute and it has nothing to do with the summer weather.

But of course, if I made Lisa Roberts into a male fantasy sex machine, she wouldn’t do well with the female members of my audience (unless they were lesbians, but chances are, they’re not). What kind of likeable qualities could we give this woman to make her stand out as a super heroine of the wild west? Toughness, as I’ve said earlier, will go a long way in giving her popularity. A silver tongue might also do wonders for her. A take-no-shit attitude will sure as hell give her some staying power. I’m liking Lisa already! She reminds me of Wonder Woman!

It’s funny, because just a few weeks ago at the WSS Contest and Company group on Good Reads, I confessed to everybody that I didn’t know how to make likeable characters, that I just threw everything together willy-nilly. I’m still doing that with Lisa Roberts. The difference is, if I want Lisa to become the fully-developed badass she’s destined to be, I can’t put her in a short story contest entry. She has to go through a whole journey that can only be told within a full-length novel. And unlike most characters in my novels, Lisa Roberts will live to see the next novel, should she be a popular hit with my audience. She’s a survivor, damn it! Put her in the move “The Purge” and she’ll still come out smelling like roses and gunpowder!

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“My wife Stacy is good at getting heel heat with the crowd at wrestling shows. Hell, she gets heat with me around the house.”

-Jim Cornette-

"My Friends" by Red Hot Chili Peppers

“My friends are so depressed, I feel the question of your loneliness. ‘Cause I’ll be by your side. You know I will. You know I will…” The ideal scenario for this unusually depressing Red Hot Chili Peppers song is this: you have multiple friends who are in some kind of slump they can’t get out of on their own. They make an internet post asking for help, but you’re incapable of providing that help either because of preexisting financial burdens or a lengthy distance between you and your friends. When you can’t share your resources with your friends, you try to share words of wisdom. Your oratory of love falls on deaf ears, so the most you can provide to your friends is a hug or a kiss.

I’ve been on the other side of a friend’s depressing circumstances before. I don’t make a lot of money, I don’t drive a car, and I’m not particularly wise, so the best thing I can offer these friends is a hug or a pat on the head. My incapability of helping people is the reason why I’m not a psychology major today. I thought about doing a cinema and psychology double major when I was taking college classes, but due to the fact that my “advice” didn’t register with the people I talked to, I opted to do a single major instead, obviously dropping psychology. I’m embarrassed to say this, but I’m full of more shit than Dr. Phil when it comes to giving emotional advice.

Maybe instead of stretching myself beyond my means to help those who need more than I have, I could just recommend this Red Hot Chili Peppers song to them. When somebody needs a good cry, “My Friends” is the ultimate song to go to for that stream of tears. In fact, I’d even dare say this song should be included in the soundtrack for either “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” or “Love Letters to the Dead”. The emotions run that deep within these alternative rock chords.

Would this method of “help” work within my writing? That’s kind of iffy. In my writing, I wouldn’t have any characters who were beyond help or redemption. If I did have a character who was like that, then finding a solution for that character’s sadness would be next to impossible. I can’t find solutions for my own friends, so why would I be able to find them for my fictional characters? And don’t give me that shit about how it’s fiction and I can bend my world any way I want. Yes, the fictional genre gives me a lot of leeway, but it still has to be believable. Even if I was writing dark fantasy, the emotions have to be real or else nobody’s going to buy into the things I’m selling.

So if you’re feeling down in the dumps and nobody can help you, sad music is a good place to turn to. Music doesn’t judge you. It may dictate its own message, but as long as the music flows through your soul and gets a reaction out of you, that message will never come off as judgmental. Take it from me: I’m a liberal who listens to Five Finger Death Punch and an atheist who listens to Skillet.

But as far as “My Friends” by Red Hot Chili Peppers goes, Anthony Kiedis will do all of the talking when he sings these words to you. But if you need someone to listen to your sorrows, then the power of your imagination can mix with the song’s message to create pure nirvana within your soul. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go to You Tube and find this song. You’ll be glad you did. Or sad, depending on how many tears drop from your face afterwards.

　

***COMMERCIAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Failure IS an option, because in order to get better, you’re going to make mistakes.”

-Nameless Pizza Chef from a Domino’s Ad-

"Love Letters to the Dead" by Ava Dellaira

Before I get started with the body of this review, I want to personally thank Stephen Chbosky for recommending this book to me. I still to this day don’t know if it was a chain letter or a personal note, but in any case, I still want to express my gratitude to him. “Love Letters to the Dead” often drew comparisons to “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” due to the themes of growing up, nostalgia, soulful music, and also due to the letter style in which both novels are written. After reading both books, I decided not to rank one before the other, because like family, they both have a special place in my heart.

This particular novel centers around Laurel, a high school student with a broken family made even more distant by the passing of her older sister May. There are so many secrets surrounding May’s death that it takes an entire novel to unravel them. And when they finally do get unraveled, there are a lot of waterworks involved, which means PTSD was involved. What kinds of secrets would cause somebody to develop traumatic memories? That’s for you to find out, my friend.

And during your quest to solve the mystery of May’s death, take some time to digest the fact that these chapters are written in the form of letters to dead celebrities such as Kurt Cobain, Amelia Earhart, Amy Winehouse, River Phoenix, and many others that had a huge impact o Laurel’s life. It started out as a simple English assignment: write a letter to a famous dead person. Laurel wrote one to Kurt Cobain, but never handed it in. Instead, the one assignment evolved into an entire notebook of letters to various celebrities chronicling Laurel’s heartaches, triumphs, traumas, tragedies, and ultimately resolutions.

I will admit that reading these letters really put a timestamp on how old Laurel really is. In other words, she writes and talks like a typical teenager. There are even times when she attempts to use a clever metaphor, but it backfires into something that only makes marginal sense. However, these are flaws I am very easily able to forgive for the sake of a beautiful and heart-wrenching story. Imagine that: me, an English major, forgiving a strange writing style. It’s something I would have done anyways even if this book was assigned to me in either college or high school.

While “Love Letters to the Dead” didn’t bring me to tears like “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” almost did, I’m crying on the inside for Laurel and I hope she goes on to do great things in her life. I feel the same way about her friends and family, who have also proven to be three-dimensional in their own special way throughout the book. People on Good Reads like to take shots at this book for being “immature” and having “cookie cutter characters”. While it was amusing to see two people named Tristan and Kristen, I have to disagree with those cheap shots. This is a wonderful book for anybody who recently spent over $100 on Kleenex.

　

***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“You’re not in love with him. You’re in love with what you want him to be.”

-Dr. Phil-

Cameron Gillespie

Is there really any way a 6’1” African-American woman can cut enough weight before a big MMA fight in order to conform to the flyweight division’s 125 lb. standard? Does it even matter that this same woman has pumpkin-sized muscles and the longest reach of any female fighter in history?

Every time Cameron Gillespie gets in the cage, she might as well be playing with a GI Joe in there. She’s only been defeated twice in her career and both of those losses were due to controversial split decisions. But those are just two matches. You want to know how many times Miss Gillespie won? Twenty, all of those victories being obtained either by KO or TKO. Bottom line: this woman is a killing machine and can make the bantamweight limit just as easily as she regularly makes the flyweight limit so miraculously. Hint, hint, wink, wink.

So why is it that I refuse to let this wrecking ball of a woman be a part of American Darkness 1 or 2? Because the story she was a part of didn’t do her justice at all. She was originally part of a short story where she only had one page worth of action and the actions she took were despicable enough to make her an unredeemable villain.

The story was called “It’s a Joke” and was supposed to be an MMA romance between struggling heavyweight fighter Finn Cosgrave and basically a Ronda Rousey parody named Zelda Lee. I thought I was being revolutionary by creating an MMA romance, because not many authors do it. Turns out there’s a reason for that: because there’s no love in war, only pain.

That pain came when Zelda Lee was forced into a fight with Cameron Gillespie, who towered over her like…well…a bell tower! Zelda landed a beautiful takedown and hand Cameron on her back in defensive mode. Zelda then put her hands on the mat to engage Cameron in a ground game. That’s where shit went south in a hurry.

Did you know there’s a rule against kicking somebody in the face while that person is in a kneeling position? If Zelda would have survived the kick to the face from Cameron, the New Orleans-born giant would have been either disqualified or deducted two points at least. Zelda didn’t survive. She was pronounced dead by the referee.

For whatever reason, I decided to have Cameron Gillespie show no remorse for her actions and not go to jail for this “accident”. Zelda Lee was the first person in MMA history to die during a fight and the sport looks even worse than it did before after Cameron Gillespie’s heinous behavior.

That’s not the road I want Cameron to go down. I see a lot of potential in this character and I want her to have the best role I could possibly give a jolly black giant like her. I know that if I include “It’s a Joke” in American Darkness 2, that book will get a low rating and few buys.

I’m not saying I want Cameron Gillespie to be a heroic warrior, but I also don’t want her to be a monster from the depths of hell. What kind of role could she have? A harsh trainer? A drill instructor? How about an incumbent world champion who’s deemed a villain because she’s held the title for so long? Maybe, just maybe she could be the world’s tallest voodoo priest. Can you imagine being that fucking huge and having magical powers to go with your awesome body? It’s overkill, but it’s an overkill people can easily accept.

Please accept Cameron Gillespie into your hearts and imaginations, ladies and gentlemen. Don’t let her become a stereotypical clerk at the DMV. Don’t let her be a stereotypical gangster woman either. I want this character to have substance, and that substance isn’t cocaine or heroin. And before you ask, no, it isn’t steroids either.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I dare Ahmed Johnson to say ‘Mother Smucker’ ten times fast.”

-Jerry “The King” Lawler-

"Chalk Outline" by Three Days Grace

When you leave your mark on this world, what will it be in the form of? Will it be a painting that hangs proudly on the museum walls? Will it be a piece of fan fiction on Deviant Art? Will it be stone sculpture in the middle of a water park where dogs and children play? Or will you be a chalk outline on the sidewalk waiting for the rain to wash it away? If you’ve heard the song “Chalk Outline” by Three Days Grace, you know exactly where this is coming from.

Some people are still walking and breathing and yet they feel like chalk outlines anyways. They’re stressed out at work, bored with their relationships, and tired of their general routines. If this scenario makes you feel like a chalk outline, it may be time to try something new. After all, Einstein always said the true definition of insanity is doing the same thing every day and expecting different results.

You don’t necessarily have to be an artist or a celebrity of any kind in order to make an impression on this world. Sometimes giving other people something to think about is enough. Even the smallest act of kindness can be the difference between life or death in the mind of another person. Let’s say you buy a homeless man a cup of coffee and a donut. You think that homeless man will judge you for being a chalk outline? It’s hard to do that with a mouthful of dough and sugar. That spike in his blood cholesterol may have improved his mood to where he actually forgot he was dealt a crappy hand.

What about a panting dog trapped in a car during the summertime blues? You think he’ll be grateful if you smash the car window and get him out of that boiling cauldron of a vehicle? How about a barista who’s working a nine to five position at the coffee bar at Barnes & Noble. You think she’ll be grateful for generous tips after her paychecks don’t even break the minimum wage limit? Maybe you’re in a relationship with a girl who’s feeling self-conscious about how a dress is making her look “fat”. You think she’d appreciate it if you told her she looked fantastic? Maybe even sexy?

People like to downplay themselves as being chalk outlines despite the random acts of kindness they commit and it’s unfortunate they do that. They believe memories will eventually fade when the person gets older and Alzheimer’s kicks in. That’s a myth and a half. I don’t care how old you are, because if somebody gives you an adrenaline shot of happiness, you’re probably going to use that memory to replace any bad memories that are haunting your mind like a traumatic ghost.

This may not be the exact message Adam Gontier was thinking of when he wrote this song for Three Days Grace. But just like with any piece of art, the audience is free to interpret it any way they want. That’s why Good Reads authors are encouraged not to explain themselves to people who gave them one or two-star reviews. Even those who absorb the media have the right to be free from the thought police’s brutality. I’m not saying Adam Gontier would ever do that to his fans, I’m just talking in general terms.

I do wish Mr. Gontier good luck in his solo career. I don’t necessarily agree with his decision to leave Three Days Grace since he was such an influential member. But who am I to tell him he’s wrong? If he needs to get away from the group for a while and focus on himself, he’s going to do that without repercussions. Sometimes a permanent sabbatical is just what the doctor ordered. Isn’t that right, CM Punk?

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“If you don’t win the NXT World Title, you won’t be known as Tyson Kidd. You’ll be known as Natalya’s husband.”

-Michael Cole-

Wade Bryan

When you combine the names of WWE wrestlers Wade Barrett and Daniel Bryan and make a Dungeons & Dragons character named Wade Bryan, you’d better make him into a serious badass. He can’t just look good carrying a two-handed sword and dressed in 100-lb. metal armor; he has to look and fight like a war god. He may be a level one human fighter, but back in 2010 when my D&D output was particularly high, he was my level one human fighter. He’s Wade Bryan, damn it, and every time he kicks the bad guys’ asses, everyone gathers around him for flash photography. Wait a minute…flash photography in a medieval fantasy game? How can that be?

In order to grow up to be a kick-ass fighter, you have to be battletested both mentally and physically. That means growing up with a dark past few people gather the inner strength to talk about. For Wade, that was easy. He grew up on a farm with lots of cute animals. He petted chickens, rolled around with pigs, patted the cows on their heads, basically, he was one happy kid whose joyful nature couldn’t be tainted by anything. That is, anything except for learning about what eventually happens to these cute animals on the farm. Wade Bryan wasn’t just shocked by learning these animals were eventually slaughtered; he was traumatized and disgusted.

Upon seeing a row of cow corpses in the slaughterhouse, Wade’s childhood was ruined. He ran away from home with his cousin Chris and decided to pilfer vegetables off of other people’s farms. He and Chris made a pact together to never eat a single bite of meat, eggs, cheese, or any other animal byproducts for the rest of their shattered and war-torn lives. Being a vegan was easy for Wade, because every time a piece of steak would touch his lips, he would get violently ill from the trauma he experienced as a kid. Since he and Chris were close, Chris sympathized with Wade to where he too would get sick at the thought of meat.

Stealing vegetables wasn’t the best way to survive in farm territory, so when Wade and Chris were old enough, they joined the National Guard under the tutelage of the ultra-tough Zell Jardine. Zell put them through hell, and no, I’m not trying to be cute by saying that. The training consisted of constant aerobic and combat exercises with Zell’s piercing screams blasting in the trainees’ ears. It got bad enough for some people that they quit after the first few days. Wade and Chris, on the other hand, graduated with honors and eventually became best friends with Zell Jardine. Funny how that works out.

When Wade Bryan was introduced to the Dungeons & Dragons scenario, he was part of a government program called The Bodyguard System. The Mayor of Middlesex (the main town of the game), Shawn Simms, would grant the services of a high ranking bodyguard to whoever helped his city in any way, shape, or form. The main characters of the game, Darthania Galveston and Brutus Warcry, protected Shawn Simms from various criminal gangs, so they got the services of Wade Bryan. The rest, they say, is history. Wade wasn’t just a government employee, he was also a fuck buddy for the female characters of the game. But that’s a story for another day, probably in a future publication called Fifty Wades of Grey. I’m kidding. Maybe. I don’t know.

　

***PROVERB OF THE DAY***

“What you do to your children, they will do to the world.”

-Unknown-

"Rebellion" by CFO$

For my 29^th birthday, my sister-in-law turned platonic life partner Susan got me a Roku device, which is basically an on-demand service for my TV. One of the things I downloaded with this Roku was the WWE Network and one of the shows I watch on the WWE Network is NXT, where superstars put on kick-ass matches until they’re called to the main WWE roster to perform on Raw or Smackdown. Two of those wrestlers who brutalize their opponents and climb the ladder of success are Konnor and Viktor, better known as The Ascension.

Every WWE superstar and diva needs their own entrance music to psych them up before a big match. Those entrance themes are created by CFO$. So what kind of music do you give two barbarians like Konnor and Viktor, who both have bodies of Greek titans and the rage of jungle beasts? In order to match their primitive aggression, you need music that is equally aggressive and hard-hitting. That’s where the CFO$ song “Rebellion” comes in.

If you’re standing in the opposite corner from The Ascension and you hear “Rebellion” in all of its heavy metal double bass drum glory playing, you’d better be wearing a diaper. Those two barbarians aren’t there to magic tricks or put on a ballet recital. Konnor and Viktor are there for one reason: to rip their opponents to pieces like a pack of rabid wolves on a wounded deer. You talk about meat on the table? That’s cute, because in order to feed The Ascension’s appetite for blood and flesh, you’d need an entire meat truck full of juicy morsels.

Listening to badass heavy metal music and watching The Ascension in action is very inspiring for an author like me who uses anger and aggression in his writing. Along with Diablo II, this NXT tag team has restored my faith in the barbarian’s ways. Eat, sleep, rage, repeat. I too wish to have characters in my story who emulate this violent lifestyle. I’m already trying to do that with Deus and Diva Shadowheart and their Fireball Nightmare story. I’ve already done it with short stories in my Dragon Machinegun e-book. I will do it again with Dragon Machinegun 2: Reload.

The barbaric tribes are hungry and there’s so much tender flesh for them to consume. To quote Ryback before he turned heel in the WWE, feed me more! And who cares about forks and knives when you’ve got an oversized battleaxe in either hand. Or a morning star. Or a sword. Or a spear. Or maybe even the NXT Tag Team Championship belts. Either way, somebody is having lunch today and it’s going to be delicious!

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Everything I say goes right over Michael Cole’s head. It’s like throwing a Frisbee to a guy sitting down.”

-John “Bradshaw” Layfield-