Wade Bryan

When you combine the names of WWE wrestlers Wade Barrett and Daniel Bryan and make a Dungeons & Dragons character named Wade Bryan, you’d better make him into a serious badass. He can’t just look good carrying a two-handed sword and dressed in 100-lb. metal armor; he has to look and fight like a war god. He may be a level one human fighter, but back in 2010 when my D&D output was particularly high, he was my level one human fighter. He’s Wade Bryan, damn it, and every time he kicks the bad guys’ asses, everyone gathers around him for flash photography. Wait a minute…flash photography in a medieval fantasy game? How can that be?

In order to grow up to be a kick-ass fighter, you have to be battletested both mentally and physically. That means growing up with a dark past few people gather the inner strength to talk about. For Wade, that was easy. He grew up on a farm with lots of cute animals. He petted chickens, rolled around with pigs, patted the cows on their heads, basically, he was one happy kid whose joyful nature couldn’t be tainted by anything. That is, anything except for learning about what eventually happens to these cute animals on the farm. Wade Bryan wasn’t just shocked by learning these animals were eventually slaughtered; he was traumatized and disgusted.

Upon seeing a row of cow corpses in the slaughterhouse, Wade’s childhood was ruined. He ran away from home with his cousin Chris and decided to pilfer vegetables off of other people’s farms. He and Chris made a pact together to never eat a single bite of meat, eggs, cheese, or any other animal byproducts for the rest of their shattered and war-torn lives. Being a vegan was easy for Wade, because every time a piece of steak would touch his lips, he would get violently ill from the trauma he experienced as a kid. Since he and Chris were close, Chris sympathized with Wade to where he too would get sick at the thought of meat.

Stealing vegetables wasn’t the best way to survive in farm territory, so when Wade and Chris were old enough, they joined the National Guard under the tutelage of the ultra-tough Zell Jardine. Zell put them through hell, and no, I’m not trying to be cute by saying that. The training consisted of constant aerobic and combat exercises with Zell’s piercing screams blasting in the trainees’ ears. It got bad enough for some people that they quit after the first few days. Wade and Chris, on the other hand, graduated with honors and eventually became best friends with Zell Jardine. Funny how that works out.

When Wade Bryan was introduced to the Dungeons & Dragons scenario, he was part of a government program called The Bodyguard System. The Mayor of Middlesex (the main town of the game), Shawn Simms, would grant the services of a high ranking bodyguard to whoever helped his city in any way, shape, or form. The main characters of the game, Darthania Galveston and Brutus Warcry, protected Shawn Simms from various criminal gangs, so they got the services of Wade Bryan. The rest, they say, is history. Wade wasn’t just a government employee, he was also a fuck buddy for the female characters of the game. But that’s a story for another day, probably in a future publication called Fifty Wades of Grey. I’m kidding. Maybe. I don’t know.

　

***PROVERB OF THE DAY***

“What you do to your children, they will do to the world.”

-Unknown-