Pulling on the Masks

INTRO DIALOGUE

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro

Can you hear me, Juan?

Okay, these people think they’re the Master Race?

 

VERSE 1

Pulling on the masks, not wiping their asses

Wiping is gay, they’re supposed to be fascists

Run into a school zone, terrorize the masses

Pinhead, pinhead, racial slur passes

Pinhead, pinhead, racial slur passes

Appropriating cultures like a motherfucking vulture

Pinhead, pinhead, getting really pissed

Pinhead, pinhead, MAGA terrorists

 

VERSE 2

Logging onto Tinder to get themselves some

Chickies in the streets, grab their fucking bums

When they want her number, she will give them none

Pinhead, pinhead, chivalry is done

Pinhead, pinhead, chivalry is done

Scaring off the women in a patriarchal system

Pinhead, pinhead, sucking on her face

Pinhead, pinhead, getting sprayed with mace

 

VERSE 3

When they’re at a protest, at first they pull a gun

But when they see some blue hair, then they start to run

When they see their pronouns, it makes them think twice

Pinhead, pinhead, secretly enticed

Pinhead, pinhead, secretly enticed

Consuming trans porn ‘til the bright and early morn

Pinhead, pinhead, getting really pissed

Pinhead, pinhead, at the word “cis”

 

VERSE 4

I couldn’t speak Spanish to save my own life

But I know a few phrases, so I can get by

On your knees, pendejo, that’s a good puto

Pinhead, pinhead, besame kulo

Pinhead, pinhead, hired by the law

It was January 6^th when ICE gave them a job

Pinhead, pinhead, covering their face

Pinhead, pinhead, for the Master Race!

Stay Down

VERSE 1

Your childhood sucked, so your offspring must pay

Beat them with a belt to make sure they’re not gay

A piece of leather passed down from your father

You could throw that shit away, but why the hell bother?

Whip them, lash them, and verbally trash them

Their spirits and dreams, go ahead and smash them

When you’re taken away with cuffs around your wrists

You can tell the courtroom about the gripes on your list

 

PRE-CHORUS

Mr. Narcissist, next time you get pissed

Make sure the gun you put to your head doesn’t miss

 

CHORUS

Stay down! X4

 

VERSE 2

You hate your wife, because she ruined your life

That’s the story you tell on your way to hell

Too much nagging from her led you to a divorce

You’re so innocent, so you owe her, of course

You say the system’s rigged with a voice so big

But your dick’s so small and so are your balls

One last check in the form of alimony

Your bank account is dry, keep pissing and moaning

 

PRE-CHORUS

Mr. Wifebeater, Mr. Cheater, Mr. Geezer

Next time you keep a dead body in your freezer

Call your victim anything but a skeezer

It’s not a good look when you’re locked up and booked

 

CHORUS

Stay down! X4

 

BRIDGE

I’m sorry life didn’t turn out the way you wanted

I’m sorry you grew up with a mind so haunted

But my real sympathies lie with the ones you hurt

You didn’t have to do that, no more bodies in the dirt

Nobody walks away from this life unscathed

Doesn’t mean they need to feel even half of your pain

You could have broken the cycle, but you broke their bones

You broke their minds too, so forgiveness is a hard no

 

CHORUS

Stay down! X8

 

OUTRO

Lay down!

And stay down!

‘Cause if you get back up

You’ll get jacked up!

When It Happens to You

VERSE 1

You got the Thin Blue Line ‘til they vote Democrat

Now you storm the white house with a baseball bat

You called Benson a badass ‘til she voted for Harris

Now you spray paint on her house the word “terrist”

Your spelling sucks and so does your syntax

The King of England had a heart attack

But you speak like royalty when and only when

You bitch about the use of “they” and “them”

 

CHORUS

What can you do?

It’s only racist when it happens to you

What can you do?

It’s only sexist when it happens to you

 

VERSE 2

You fucked around and now you’re finding out

You lost your right to pout and scream and shout

You only know how to do it to yourself

And now you lost your insurance for health

 

EXTENDED CHORUS

What can you do?

It’s only racist when it happens to you

What can you do?

It’s only sexist when it happens to you

It’s only violent when it happens to you

They’re only bigots when they do it to you

You’re a victim of the system when it happens to you

 

VERSE 3

Even after all the shit you’ve seen

You lick those boots all nice and clean

Sucking up don’t mean a hill of beans

Ain’t got no green, so you’re on the wrong team

 

EXTENDED CHORUS

What can you do?

It’s only racist when it happens to you

What can you do?

It’s only sexist when it happens to you

It’s only violent when it happens to you

They’re only bigots when they do it to you

You’re a victim of the system when it happens to you

The Marsellus Wallace Speech: AEW Edition

 (OOC: I read a blog post today about how Marsellus Wallace's speech to Butch in Pulp Fiction can be applied to any relatable scenario, so I did a parody myself, just like the author did. Ready? Here we go:

We fade in on Bryan Danielson, a 44-year-old pro-wrestler who’s one broken neck away from being confined to a wheelchair. He sits across the table wearing a plain white T-shirt (because he doesn’t believe in consumerism). Sitting on the opposite side off screen is Tony Khan, the Head Honcho at All Elite Wrestling, where Bryan works. Tony sounds like a cross between a delusional billionaire and a giddy fanboy.

TONY (O.S.)

What do you think you’re gonna find when your decades-long career is over? I think you’re gonna find yourself one broken down, sad-ass motherfucker. The thing is, Bryan, you have a shitload of five-star matches. But as painful as it may seem, five-star matches won’t save your life, and yours is over the minute you take another bump. That’s a hard motherfucking fact of life, and it’s one your ass is gonna have to get realistic about. The wrestling business is filled to the brim with unrealistic motherfuckers who say they’re gonna retire but never do. Motherfuckers who thought their asses would age like wine. If you mean it turns to vinegar like Ric Flair and Chris Jericho, it does. If you mean it gets better with age like R-Truth and Trish Stratus? It don’t. Besides, Bryan, how many five-star matches do you got left in you? Two? Wrestlers don’t have an Old-Timer’s League. It was called Heroes of Wrestling and it sucked ass. You came close, but you made it only a handful of times. If you were gonna make it again, you would have done it already. 

Tony holds release papers just out of Bryan’s reach.

TONY (O.S.)

You actually gonna retire this time?

BRYAN

Certainly appears so.

Bryan takes the release papers from Tony’s hand.

TONY

Night of your final retirement speech, you’re gonna feel a slight sting. That’s pride fucking with you. Fuck pride! Pride only hurts, probably about as bad as Jon Moxley suffocating you with a plastic bag. It never helps. You gotta fight through that shit. ‘Cause a year from now when you’re at home banging Brie Bella and hanging out with your two kids Birdie and Buddy, you’re gonna say to yourself, “Tony Khan was right”, which is something I hear from Dave Meltzer pretty much regularly. 

BRYAN

Yeah, me too.

TONY

At AEW Revolution, you job to Jon Moxley. Say it.

BRYAN

At AEW Revolution, I job to Jon Moxley.

The original blog post: https://www.kingdomoffailure.com/post/f-ck-pride-it-only-hurts-it-never-helps

Headline News

VERSE 1

Geek in a suit comes on the news at five

He’s probably wondering how we’re all alive

Read the teleprompter while on beta blockers

Lifeless interview gives you nothing new

Turn that shit off, what’re we watching for?

We should get overtime for staying informed

This is a movie that we’ve all seen before

‘Cause all they ever talk about is murder and war

 

VERSE 2

Roundtable at six sucking Israel’s dicks

Got a dose of depression, come get your fix

Gather over here while we fight fascism

But only with permission from upper management

Bomb this, bomb that, school shooter with a gat

Every one of them fuckers got a red MAGA hat

TV-MA for gratuitous gore

‘Cause all they ever talk about is murder and war

 

VERSE 3

It’s seven o’clock, get on your knees and pray

‘Cause we just made it through another long day

Go fight with your family, have a master debate

You don’t need verbal skills, you need mosquito spray

Dehumanized by the people you’re supposed to love

It’s love with conditions from the heavens above

Just another case of the poor fighting the poor

‘Cause all they ever talk about is murder and war

 

OUTRO

‘Cause all they ever talk about is murder and war

Fuck the positivity, they find it such a bore

Brain chemical addiction is your newfound chore

Like those Camels you smoke from the convenience store

A bottle of Jack to go with your pack

If you’re pissed off long enough, you can move on to crack

Healthy coping mechanisms are what you all lack

But when you need your rage bait, we’ll take your greenbacks

Vanilla ICE-Holes

Is that “ICE” on your vest? It should say “snowflake”

Surrender and comply? No way, Jose

Don’t worry about us pulling your mask off

Instead we’ll pull your pants off, force you to jack off

To Orange Hitler, on your knees, bootlicker

My trigger finger’s quick, so you better be quicker

Don’t half-ass the fash, go the whole nine yards

You do it long enough, you can play your race card

Forget the mask, we know you’re Vanilla ICE-Holes

You’re doing Pulp Fiction and the gimp is your role

Bring out the gimp! Bring out the gimp!

Come on, everybody, let’s bring out the gimp!

Slap you like a pimp for being a right-wing simp

Kick you in the dick ‘til it’s permanently limp

The age of drum circles is a thing of the past

Unless we play the drums on your stupid ball caps

With your head inside, now you can go and hide

Behind your daddy’s legs like a doggy who begs

Schoolyard bullies have more balls than you

Look in the mirror, it’s no one’s fault but you

You couldn’t cut it as the next John Rambo

Gassed out in five seconds while learning Sambo

If Sambo was easy, it’d be called White America

Chilling on your porch calling everybody terrorists

Shotgun in your hand, but you sawed it in half

You shoot prematurely, make your girlfriend laugh

Just kidding! You couldn’t be a Prom King either

You got no personality, you’re the new rag and ether

Putting us to sleep with your nothingburger status

So you pretend to be a badass ‘cause no girl would make passes

Without a few shots of whiskey in little glasses

Drop the Xanax in the drink, make her slip off to a dream

That’s your whole life in an itty-bitty nutshell

Your whole villain arc for why you pump the gun shells

Into innocent civilians, you do it by the millions

Call it “welfare cuts”, give your masters more trillions

You live by the sword, you die by the sword

‘Cause you got nowhere else to go except the psych ward

Fitness Guru

INTRO DIALOGUE

You’re not a fitness guru; you’re a eugenicist!

 

SATIRE POEM

I make my salary by burning all my calories

Showing off my ribs, telling fatphobic fibs

Juicing up my biceps, overworking triceps

Got some ten-pack abs, not pinch of flab

 

Why stop there? Let’s erase your autism

And your personality that you got with it

Sell stories about your expendability

Based on corporate greed and your disability

 

“Don’t even bother with the COVID vaccine”

Said the pin cushion who was a heroin fiend

You believe every word, just look at my face

Innocent like an angel from the “Master Race”

 

Take my advice, pay no mind to my voice

What disease do I have? It’s Dealer’s Choice

I never smoked a cigarette a day in my life

Still sounds like I wear a Columbian Necktie

 

I got more wrinkles than crumpled up paper

It started as a baby and I hoped it would taper

Started in the womb, wait, now I remember

I was totally alive then, like Jesus in December

 

Now I got a job fucking up my last name

Drag it through the mud, make it take a walk of shame

Black sheep doesn’t describe me at all

‘Cause if I lived on a farm, my voters would suck my balls

 

So next time you see me on the television

Listen loud and clear, ‘cause there is no intermission

No bathroom breaks even though I’m full of shit

Here’s my healthcare plan, it’s a total money pit

Government efficiency is kind of my jam

Effective at what? Making suckers fall for scams?

Fork over your dough as you die really slow

Make the oligarchy richer, fuck the Average Joe!