In a world full of demons and sorcery, Deckard Cain’s better days are behind him. His muscles are sore, his bones are creaking, and he’s not getting any younger. But more importantly, he feels traumatically guilty. Images of his friends and family being slaughtered by Diablo’s forces haunt him to where he no longer believes in himself. This kind of thinking was amplified when a paladin under his watch, Akarat, succumbed to the forces of evil. With another wave of demons and undead set to take over the world of Sanctuary, Deckard Cain must now keep watch over a little girl named Leah who possesses magical abilities far beyond her own comprehension.
The entirety of this book, set to a dark fantasy backdrop, is a redemption tale as Deckard Cain looks to find peace within himself as he battles the forces of evil. How could he possibly win a war with a brittle body and a traumatized mind? Granted, he is extremely wise in his old age and can provide those around him with the wisdom and courage they need to carry on. But there are still those “fingers of doubt” that crawl up and down his spine to keep him from repairing his broken self-esteem. It seems like an impossible journey for an old man.
But if there’s anything fantasy storytelling has taught me, it’s that true adventure is not about extraordinary people doing extraordinary things. It’s about everyday people like you and me doing extraordinary things. On paper, Deckard and Leah are not a formidable team. It takes 400 plus pages for them to realize their inner greatness, but it happens nonetheless. Fiction is not about if a happy ending is reached. It’s about how it’s reached and how much work it took to reach it.
Despite the fact that I’m a sucker for ass-kicking battle scenes, I’m actually glad the ultra-powerful monk Mikulov wasn’t overused. He’s a warrior in the truest sense of the word: powerful, disciplined, and the closest thing to God you’ll find. If he goes around saving the world with his punches, kicks, and fire attacks, nobody will learn to fend for themselves. Don’t get me wrong. Mikulov plays an important role in this story, but he’s not the whole story and that’s what makes the novel so breathtaking and believable.
You’re probably wondering why I would rate such an incredible tale only four stars instead of the maximum five on Good Reads. Everything fell into place perfectly except for one thing: the pacing. Diablo III: The Order dictates a slower pace than the books I’m used to reading and because of that I’ve had to spend more time recovering my mental energies than I did reading the damn book. However, the novel has so many redeeming qualities that a slightly slower pace seems like small potatoes. The creative and vivid descriptions may slow you down a bit, but they’re necessary in painting a picture of the blood-stained world of Sanctuary.
Buy a copy of this book and give Nate Kenyon your patronage. Even if you’re not a fan of the Diablo videogame franchise, you’ll be an instant believer in the power of morbid storytelling.
TITLE: Dead Man Down
GENRE: Crime Thriller
RATING: R for violence, language, and bullying scenes
GRADE: Mixed
Victor is a man with anger in his heart and revenge on his mind after his wife and child were murdered by mafia boss Alphonse Hoyt. To satisfy his vindictive needs, Victor infiltrates Mr. Hoyt’s crime syndicate in an attempt to find the right opportunity to kill the brutal boss. While Victor bides his time, he befriends a disfigured, yet beautiful neighbor named Beatrice, who at first wants to date him, but then blackmails him into exacting her revenge against the drunk driver who disfigured her in the first place. The entire movie is a struggle to find the balance between justice and vengeance as well as coldness and love.
The slow, dramatic pace, Victor’s convincing cover, and his relationship with the forlorn Beatrice make this movie a believable crime thriller. Everything was executed correctly from the shootings to the explosions. Plus, they were executed at the right time. The whole film is about a man who bides his time for the right moment to strike. Not only does he strike first, he strikes hard. Victor knows exactly what he’s up against and times his attacks perfectly so Alphonse Hoyt doesn’t suspect a thing.
Having said all of these things, you’re probably wondering why this movie receives a mixed grade rather than a passing one. The crime thriller conformity was perfectly done, but there’s one aspect of the movie that makes me cringe every time I think about it. Beatrice was disfigured in a drunk driving accident and as a result, the neighborhood kids bully her relentlessly. The bullies’ main gimmick is calling her a “monster” every time they see her and build “jokes” off of that. They even went so far as to carve the insult on her apartment door. These kids need to have the shit beaten out of them, but it never happens. They get away with everything they do and are never heard from again. As someone who experienced bullying in high school, this lackadaisical approach is sickening to me.
The other issue I have with this movie is the lack of screen time for Bad News Barrett, a WWE superstar whose role in the movie was so hyped up it’s the only reason I agreed to see it. Anybody who watches wrestling knows how convincing of a villain Mr. Barrett is. He enslaved John Cena, he led a team of rookies into destroying a WWE arena, he insults the crowd on a regular basis, and he just might win the Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic award for 2014 because he insulted a kid from the Make a Wish Foundation. With all of these evil credentials under Bad News Barrett’s belt, why would they make so little use of him? Why even bother calling Dead Man Down a WWE films production? Sounds like false advertising to me.
If you make the decision to watch this movie, do it because you love crime thrillers. If you’re doing it because you want to see revenge against bratty bullies or because you want to see Bad News Barrett kick some ass, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Despite the flaws this movie has, I can’t really hate it at all. I enjoyed the movie, but not enough to give it a passing grade.
I’ve been watching the wrestling tag team of The French Pirates in my head for quite sometime. It appears as if they’re living…two lives. One of the lives is Jonathan Thief. He broke away from the tag team and became a successful multi-time world champion and future Hall of Famer. He has a social security number (not really). He pays taxes (to his home country of France). He even takes out his landlady’s garbage.
The other life is Billy Rogue. He couldn’t find the same success his tag team partner did and fell into obscurity. He is also guilty of virtually every drug crime the US has a law for. One of these lives has a future. The other does not. Billy Rogue is the one who doesn’t have much of a future.
The French Pirates draw a lot of comparisons to the real life WWE tag team from the early 90’s, The Rockers. Jonathan Thief found the same amount of success Shawn Michaels did. Billy Rogue couldn’t, a la Marty Jennetty. Having said that, what do you give a man who has no future? A bottle of poison? A loaded gun? A grudge-match storyline against his old tag team partner? No, no, and yes.
But more importantly, you give Billy Rogue drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. You make him so depressed with his lack of success (that rhymes) his only option is to use every kind of illegal drug imaginable. Pot is becoming legal in a lot of states and it has no harmful side effects, so that doesn’t count. I’m talking about the hard stuff. The extreme stuff. The tubes of glue. The balloons of cocaine. The bigger balloons of heroin. And then wash it all down with a nice big bottle of vodka.
Sending Mr. Rogue to rehab would seem like the right way for a wrestling company to spend its money. If he followed the right steps, he could make a full recovery much like former WWE superstar Joey Mercury did and become an inspiration to those wanting to be sober. But how do you sell such a gigantic bill of goods to someone who still harbors jealousy toward his former tag team partner? If he gets sober, can he stay that way? Even if he does get sober, will he not find another destructive outlet for his raw feelings?
Let’s say it’s possible. Let’s say for the sake of argument Billy Rogue quits drugs and alcohol altogether and becomes a better person for it. His criminal record is spotless and he’s actually able to hold down a job. What kind of life is there for him on the other side of recovery? He didn’t have much of a life before he turned to drugs, what makes you think he’ll have one after? You think he’s going to be content with sitting in an office building or getting his computer science degree? Or maybe he can completely dork out and sell popcorn for the same wrestling promotion he was a part of.
This is a struggle that is all too familiar in drug fiction and nonfiction. It can be said about any kind of addiction, really. You don’t have to constantly shoot heroin in your arm in order to relate to addiction. There are porn addicts, adrenaline addicts, self-harm addicts, and then there’s that one addiction I personally can relate to: food addiction. Billy Rogue is to drugs what I am to food.
I’ve been addicted to food ever since going on my first round of schizophrenia medication. I used to be a skinny little twig in high school. In today’s world, my belly is large, my clothes barely fit, and my energy is gone. Food was the one thing I could turn to that gave me just a little bit of satisfaction in a world where mental illness kept me from having fun. One Reese’s Cup was more intense for me than any song written by Rammstein or Pink Floyd. Because I was so attracted to that constant high, my weight spiraled out of control and now I’m left with the daunting task of having to lose all the weight and keep it off permanently.
Addiction is the only thing Billy Rogue and I have in common. Though I live through my own characters, I don’t want to be the guy who lives through someone who openly admits to having no future. I refuse to accept dystopia. If I have a big belly and a weird appearance for the rest of my life, it wouldn’t matter to me as long as I still had a future worth working toward. That future starts with editing the crap out of Brawl Mart and sending it to a reputable publisher instead of doing the heavy lifting myself with Smash Words. I don’t know how far away that time in my life will be, but it is there. I will make my own dreams come true one way or another. I’m an adult. It’s my right to make my dreams come true.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I’m torn to pieces. I’m broken down. I still see your face when you’re not around. I sit here in misery wondering if I’ll ever be half the man you wanted me to be.”
-Pop Evil singing “Torn to Pieces”-
TITLE: Godzilla (2014 version)
GENRE: Monster Sci-Fi
RATING: PG-13 for language and disaster-style violence
GRADE: Pass
If you hear the name Godzilla, you can expect the movie he’s associated with to be all about mass destruction. He’s a multi-story tall monster with other multi-story tall monsters to contend with. And when they fight, they’ll take the entire world with them if they have to. Entire cities will fall into piles of rubble and their people will either be displaced or brutally murdered by these gigantic warriors. Even America’s military is powerless against these monsters despite having nuclear weapons at their disposal and tanks that would otherwise knock over entire buildings.
This extreme feeling of hopelessness is paramount in creating a disaster movie of any kind. The lower your chances for survival, the more amazing it’s going to be when you finally achieve your goals. We all know most movies will end happily. What we don’t know is how and why. Even with the biggest guns and the most destructive bombs, it’s not enough. So how else can the world combat these multiple giants? Seems impossible, right? It just might be. If you’re made to believe it is, then the movie you’re watching will become much more entertaining.
Aside from the extreme violence and mass destruction, Godzilla has also been praised for having a memorable storyline, particularly as it relates to the Brody family’s strong bond. In the beginning, Dr. Joe Brody is determined to contain the moth-like monster he has imprisoned in a nuclear reactor. He’s so dedicated to his work it interferes with his ability to sleep at night. Fifteen years later, Joe’s son Ford joins the military and has his own battle to fight: civilian life with his wife and child. The love and dedication the Brody family shows for each other is a beautiful thing. Their love is so strong not even monsters as tall as a skyscraper can keep them apart. They will fight for each other to keep from being bubblegum on the bottom of Godzilla’s foot.
The last thing I’m going to touch on deals with the movie’s pace. As with books, I also enjoy a fast pace when it comes to movies and TV shows. Godzilla has a slow pace and it doesn’t bother me one bit. With a rich storyline and brutal destruction rolled into one neat little package, a slow and stalking pace shouldn’t bother the people who watch this movie. You’ll get your chance to be on the edge of your seat. Don’t think of this movie as being slower than a snail crawling through peanut butter. Think of it as slow torture for your mind. Picture your face being scraped across the concrete ground for two-plus hours. The only difference is it won’t hurt your brain; it will hurt your soul. Badly!
I gave this movie a passing grade and you will too. If you’re not like me and you use a letter system, you’ll probably put enough pluses next to that A to make a novel out of your grade. Although, I don’t recommend you actually do that, because then it really WILL be like slow torture (for your brain, not for your soul). Enjoy the show!
Dominick Zola does not sparkle. He burns. He wraps himself in a fiery cocoon and brings entire cities to their knees with his occult powers. But why would he want to do any of that when he’s the highest ranking mafia boss in the city of Seattle? Does he not have enough machinegun-wielding vampire buddies to do his heavy lifting for him? The conundrum Mr. Zola faces now is whether he wants to burn Seattle to the ground or control its citizens for as long as he feels they’re useful. It’ll be a while before Dominick gets bored with his puppetry. He is a vampire, after all, meaning an average human will be nothing more than a speck of dirt by the time Mr. Zola is on a metal slab. Will they even have medical examiners that far in the future? Will the world still be whole by then?
This violent nut job was slated to be the main villain for a Vampire: the Masquerade RPG session between me and my good friend Heather. If that role-play would have materialized into something, Dominick Zola would be a hard villain to kill. Then again, powerful villains with god complexes shouldn’t be easy prey anyways. Look at the people who are trying to bring him to his knees: a pregnant rape victim (Heather’s character), a man-child vampire, a human detective, and a vampire nurse. This is clearly not a fair fight; Heather’s team needs more people. How many more people? Probably the same amount who conform to Dominick Zola’s beliefs on a regular basis, which is an entire crime syndicate.
Mr. Zola bears an uncanny resemblance to Bob Geldof’s character from Pink Floyd the Wall in terms of the way he influences people. Both are charismatic leaders in their own way: Dominick is a vampire warrior (and who wouldn’t want to follow a cool guy like a vampire warrior) while Pink is a rock star who fantasizes about turning his audience into Nazi skinheads. Both leaders use the crossed hammers symbol to get their message out there and they both like to use the phrase “Trust Us” as a slogan. Well, Pink doesn’t actually say that in the movie, but I have seen the slogan on Roger Waters T-shirts, as well as that same performer’s inflatable pig.
It may take an army to bring down Dominick Zola. It may take a mythical god. It may take the entire world population just to restrain him for a few seconds. No matter which way you slice it, you don’t stand a fucking chance against this warlord. There are two ways this campaign would have played out if it was allowed to continue. One way is for Heather’s pregnant character and her three friends to flee the state of Washington toward higher ground (I originally suggested Hawaii, but vampires tend to not do well in a state known for its constant sunshine). The other way would be to give the four characters enough fighting experience and build them up before the apocalyptic fight. The WWE does the same thing when they’re choosing wrestlers to compete in the main event: they give one wrestler a string of victories to make him look believable for when that championship opportunity arises.
Because the latter of the two scenarios is more likely to happen, I’m going to have to establish a new rule with Heather if I ever play with her again. From here on in, her characters are not allowed to get pregnant or get injured constantly. If her character ever does conceive, then she can’t be bummed out when a villain kicks or punches her in the stomach. As a GM, I demand action. There’s no action sitting on the sidelines. All of the action is on the frontlines and my players will find themselves right in the middle of it regardless of their characters’ condition. What’s that? You’ve got two broken legs and a concussion? Suck it up, buddy. If you’re looking for sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. Dominick Zola isn’t going to just commit suicide for your pleasure. Either strap your boots on or burn in his destruction.
***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
JOURNALIST: What kind of action can we expect from you when you return?
BIG SHOW: I’m going to be picking my fucking nose, what do you think I’m going to do?
TITLE: Guardians of the Galaxy
GENRE: Superhero Space Opera
RATING: PG-13 for hard language and sci-fi violence
GRADE: Pass
Ever since stealing a valuable treasure in the form of a power orb, space outlaw Peter Quill has had everyone after his ass from assassins to bounty hunters to gigantic space monsters. When a botched attempt on his life lands him and the rest of the main characters in a faraway prison, Peter Quill forms an uneasy alliance with his assassins and other quirky characters in order to break out and give the orb to safer hands.
Among Peter’s “friends” include a muscle-bound warrior named Drax, a slick assassin named Gamora, a raccoon bounty hunter named Rocket, and Rocket’s dryad partner in crime Groot. With these five combustible elements ready to snap each other’s necks at a moment’s notice, the main villain Ronan the Accuser should have no problem picking at the bones. Then again, he’s already a nearly indestructible ass-kicker, so that doubles the difficulty.
As to be expected with a superhero movie, there is a lot of combat. What amazes me about Guardians of the Galaxy is the variety in said combat scenes. Each of the five main characters bring something different to the table. Peter Quill can shoot a laser gun at his smaller opponents and outthink his bigger ones. Seeing as how Drax the Destroyer is played by WWE superstar Batista, it’s obvious he can rip the limbs off of even the biggest enemies like they were flies. Groot is the same way seeing as how he’s a big ass tree with muscular limbs and regenerative powers. Gamora is a quintessential martial artist with the way she spin kicks, spin elbows, and slashes everything in sight. And Rocket? Well, he’s just a little smartass who can easily frustrate his opponents into making a mistake. Five different styles against opponents of all shapes, sizes, and species. If they can get along, Ronan should be a piece of cake. That’s a huge if, by the way.
The creativity and vividness of this universe is also something that deserves my respect. The variety of races, weaponry, worlds, machinery, and ways to outsmart even the slickest opponents constitute a high level of creativity to me. The only similarities in this movie can be found in the yellow prison uniforms and prison guard machines. That’s about it. Every character has individuality and everything has a reason to be noticed. Whether you’re shooting lightning, glowing with a strangely-colored aura, or dripping on the floor with your disgusting goop, finding your niche as a Guardians of the Galaxy character isn’t hard to do. Our differences will bring us together, not drive us apart.
Which brings me to the third reason why this movie gets a passing grade: the friendship that develops between the five unlikely allies. It is a slowly forming relationship. They start out hating and distrusting each other and toward the end they get used to each other. While getting used to each other isn’t the same as friendship, one can easily lead to the other, especially if lives are on the line and are saved with efficiency. It seems like a cliché trope to put in a movie, but it’s one that has a lot of truth. It’s the reason why Asheville, North Carolina is the most liberal city of the normally red state: because different races and ideas get mixed in and the citizens are forced to get along.
Guardians of the Galaxy leaves no stone unturned when it comes to combat, storylines, visuals, and relationships. It’s what I like to call a complete movie. Even the beginning of the story, where a young Peter Quill is taken away from his cancer-stricken mother by aliens, has a solution to it near the end that nobody saw coming. If you’re in the mood for a great adventure and an even greater story, see this movie. I’ve said enough about it already, so no more spoilers. Buy a movie ticket, you cheap bastards.
The similarity between the names Jessica Harley and Jessica Haggar are mind-boggling. Their back stories are similar as well. But I assure you with 100% conviction that Mike Haggar’s daughter from Final Fight was not the inspiration for Jessica Harley, so put away the fan fiction pre-writes for a moment.
Jessica Harley was from a movie script idea that never got off the ground called The Trauma Force. It was detective fiction similar to The Shield, brutality, leather jackets, sex, drugs, violence, and all. Jessica was the wife of lead character Shawn Harley and kidnapped away from him during a drug bust. Mrs. Harley wouldn’t be found until the end of the story, which smells of Final Fight logic, but trust me, it isn’t.
Jessica was the name of my online girlfriend from 2002-2005. Though we never kissed or made love, we were indeed in love with each other. Whoever said teenagers don’t know what love is never felt the magic between me and Jessica. The blood sugar sex magic started when the two of us were role-playing on a Final Fantasy-themed MSN group.
I was the bullheaded knight Sharry Seran and she was Mikoto Tribal from Final Fantasy IX. Our two characters got kidnapped by holier-than-thou paladins and we had to fight our way out together through thick and thin. An in-game marriage proposal was in the works despite the two characters not knowing each other. Fantasy and reality were extremely blurry at this time and we eventually became boyfriend and girlfriend.
The Trauma Force version of Jessica was a manifestation of my online girlfriend at the time. Both were so beautiful and so far away, the latter being for different reasons, obviously. I couldn’t distinguish the difference between losing her to kidnapping and losing her to life progression in another state. Call me needy, but when the real world Jessica didn’t reply to my letters for the longest time, I felt empty and cold. When somebody loses contact with you for a long time, you get worried. When you get worried, you get scared. When you get scared, you get angry at life.
After 2005, I officially recognized our relationship as over due to her not responding for long enough. I wasn’t going to save myself for somebody I couldn’t have. But Jessica Harley, the fictional character she’s based off of, well, I can certainly do a lot with her. Whatever I did with Mrs. Harley, I’d have to do with carefulness. I want to cherish the time we had together and not think bitter thoughts now that it’s over. I still want to use Jessica Harley in a romantic way, but I just don’t know how. Will she and Shawn still be together by the next story’s beginning? Will their story resemble Final Fight or heaven forbid Savages?
Maybe Shawn and Jessica don’t have to fight the world with their fists. Maybe they don’t need conventional weapons like guns or knives. Are there no other props that are more appropriate for a whirlwind romance? How about musical instruments? Nothing says love like a grinding guitar and Meytal Cohen-style drums. Maybe they can occupy the streets with megaphones and cardboard signs, protesting something that will earn them bullets to the chest. What if the loving couple fought the world with magic wands? Shawn could be Harry Potter and Jessica could be Ginny Weasley. Maybe their revolution will be quiet and all they’ll need is a library full of good books. Shawn could be Charlie and Jessica could be Sam. So many possibilities. No matter what I choose for these two, they won’t take being human for granted this time.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“You love me for everything you hate me for.”
-In This Moment singing “Whore”-
