Two-Sentence Horror Story: Enjoy Coke

Morgan rolled up a hundred-dollar bill and snorted a line of cocaine up his nose. Only then did he regret keeping his stash next to the bottle of Comet.

Lights Out

VERSE 1

My allies chug tears from a predator’s eyes

But all I’ll ever dine on is a slice of humble pie

It tastes like shit sandwiched in an armpit

Then I drink in the irony like it’s Nestle Quick

My friends can turn a funeral into a party

But I can’t show up, can’t even be tardy

I got no invitation in my post office box

Got no master key for these heavy ass locks

 

PRE-CHORUS

Why am I expected to be the beacon of light?

 

CHORUS

Lights out! The room is covered in shadows

Just like my black heart after so many battles

Lights out! That’s called a technical knockout

One punch for every memory you made me block out

Lights out!

 

VERSE 2

Forced to wear a halo, but it’s around my neck

While others turn their rage into a biweekly check

Forced to spread angel wings, but my back is broken

While others never once had to go through the motions

Forced to be sweeter than a gingerbread clitoris

Anything less would just be so inconsiderate

I’m a role model to world that won’t even listen

If you want to keep me quiet, you’ve accomplished the mission

 

PRE-CHORUS

Why am I expected to be the beacon of light?

 

CHORUS

Lights out! The room is covered in shadows

Just like my black heart after so many battles

Lights out! That’s called a technical knockout

One punch for every memory you made me block out

Lights out!

 

BRIDGE

If I put my hands up, will you lay down your arms?

Or will you nail my wrists and ankles to a crucifix charm?

If I keep you comfortable, will you finally fall asleep?

Or will you accuse me, abuse me, and bruise me?

 

EXTENDED CHORUS

Lights out! The room is covered in shadows

Just like my black heart after so many battles

Lights out! That’s called a technical knockout

One punch for every memory you made me block out

Lights out! Your coffin’s covered in darkness

Your skin turns gray and your calcium hardens

Lights out! I’ll disco dance at your wake

All I need to know now is whose hand will I take?

Lights out!

Lights out!

Lights out!

Lights out!

Ghostbusters: Spectral Shenanigans, Vol. 1

BOOK TITLE: Ghostbusters: Spectral Shenanigans, Vol. 1

AUTHOR: Erik Burnham

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Paranormal Comedy

GRADE: A

 

Sometimes a piece of literature doesn’t have to be super complex in order to earn an A grade from me. It can just be good simple fun like this one was. That’s really all I want from the books I read: to enjoy them and recommend them to anyone else who might be listening. And really, what’s not to love about the Ghostbusters franchise? If you’ve seen the 1980’s films or the cartoon that came out in the same decade, you know what you’re going to get with this series of comics: witty dialogue, paranormal goodness, slime (lots of slime), and main characters who play off each other’s flaws and strengths perfectly. Yes, Peter Venkmann is a creepy ladies’ man, but he’s a likeable creepy ladies’ man with friends who will keep him in check. He’s also a bit whiny when it comes to hard work, which is actually quite relatable. I can’t find any major flaws in this graphic novel, or maybe I really did want to enjoy it and I got my wish.

 

Even with the simplicity of the various plots, there’s one story that managed to stick out in my mind as kind of a heartbreaker. It’s the one where Egon Spengler tracks down an old college friend who carries death in a little pocket dimension. The friend was killed in a major car wreck, but you wouldn’t know that by the fact that he’s still walking around. The thing is, he doesn’t want to be transported to the other side. He wants to live his life and do all the things he wanted to do before the crash. We as the audience are so used to slimy creatures getting zapped with nuclear lasers that we don’t often see little nuggets of philosophy like this one. Will Egon send his friend to the netherworld like his job entails or will he just let it slide out of sympathy? That’s something you’re going to wrestle with for a while even after that particular story ends.

 

Another story that caught my attention was the final one where one of the Ghostbusters (I don’t remember which one) picks up a strange woman on the side of the road and tries to take her home. The only thing stopping him from doing that, of course, is the truck driver ghost who keeps stalking her. Nobody ever drove on these roads and lived to tell about it. Even if you believe this story has a happy conclusion, you still get chills from how it ended. You want to learn more about what the hell happened. You might want to pick up volume two to figure things out. These stories are too funny to be legitimately frightening, but this ending story comes pretty close once it draws to its conclusion. I won’t spoil the ending, but you’ve been warned.

 

One last note before I go: there’s a series of stories that take place when the Ghostbusters drive around America looking for jobs to do. They go to places like Detroit, New Orleans, Area 51, and a city close to where I live, Seattle. The attention to detail and the accuracies of how these cities are portrayed is one way for the author to flex his research muscles. Seattle actually looked like Seattle, Pike Place Market and all. Area 51 had all the aliens you could ask for, but the Ghostbusters knew that they were really ghosts. I love that even in a supernatural environment, aliens are treated with the same skepticism that they are in the real world. That made me chuckle on the inside. New Orleans was a metaphorical gold mine for ghosts given the city’s history with necromancy and voodoo, which is again accurate. These details go to show how important research is to an author’s success. I’m jealous!

 

As I said at the start of this review, this graphic novel and all the stories within don’t have any flaws that jump out at me. Yes, it’s not the most philosophical or groundbreaking thing I’ve ever read, but then again, it doesn’t have to be. Sometimes I just want to have a good time. Sometimes I just want to escape my reality for a little while. Is that alright with everyone here? This book gets a perfect five out of five. It’s a nice return to reading for me and that’s all I really need.

Dear Aunt Ruth 2023

Dear Aunt Ruth,

 

Thank you so much for the $20 check you sent me for my birthday. A little extra money will always be helpful to me. My kitty girl Piper had to go to the vet and the bill took a lot out of me. But she’s very much worth every penny. I love petting her and listening to her purr while she rubs her head against me. I hope to keep her for a long, long time even though she’s in her elder years now. She’s my little grandma kitty!

 

In a year full of creative burnout and generally low productivity, I did manage to find some silver linings in the first half of 2023. One of them was a rock concert in Seattle put on by Nothing More with Crown the Empire and Thousand Below opening for them. I had no idea who the openers were prior to going, but they delivered when it came to putting on a damn good show. I hope to own their entire discographies someday. Nothing More (yes, that is their band name) brought out the big guns with their energetic performances and emotional brand of rock and roll. They even have a machine made out of auto parts called the Scorpion Tail, which is used to create electronic sounds and basically give the lead singer something to go crazy on. This was my third time seeing Nothing More, with the previous two times being when they opened for Papa Roach in 2018 and opened for Ghost in 2019. Now that they had the stage all to themselves, they proved why they deserved to be headliners for many years to come. The fact that Nothing More has so little exposure just makes them criminally underrated. Anyone who likes heavy rock and roll should give them a listen. They won’t regret it.

 

But of course, not all of my silver linings can be about going out in public and mingling with strangers. Sometimes my introversion takes over and I need a good book to read. One of those good books was a collection of poetry and photography by Rachel Oates called “Reflections on Healing”. If you don’t know who she is, she’s a British Youtuber who make video essays about feminism, left-wing politics, atheism, and sometimes book reviews. She also occasionally shows off pictures of her Staffy dog Kyra, who has these saggy jowls and a permanently happy face. As good as Rachel’s poetry is in her book, the subject matter was incredibly heavy as it dealt with topics like psychological trauma, domestic violence, and growing up poor to name a few. But even with these difficult parts of her past, Rachel Oates has grown up to be a loving and kind human being, forever breaking the cycle of all the evil things that have happened to her. We celebrate cycle-breakers in this family, so her book gets five stars out of five, no question about it. Because the book contains poetry and it’s less than a hundred pages long, the reading experience goes by quickly, but the emotional connection stays with you forever.

 

Another book I read over the summer was a graphic novel called “Ghostbusters: Spectral Shenanigans, Vol. 1”. If you’ve ever watched a Ghostbusters movie before, then you know what you’re going to get out of this book: smart-ass characters, paranormal goodness, and a nice combination of comedy and drama. What fascinates me a lot about the Ghostbusters franchise as a whole is the names of the lead characters: Peter Venkmann, Ray Stantz, Egon Spengler, and Winston Zeddemore. I don’t know how the creators of the franchise came up with these names, but the style is definitely something you associate with Ghostbusters. Same thing when the 2016 all-female movie came out and had characters named Erin Gilbert, Abby Yates, Jillian Holtzmann, and Patty Tolan. Yep, those sound like Ghostbuster names to me. As an author myself, character names are interesting to me. I sure as hell won’t have any of my fictional characters be named John Smith or Jack Anderson. Boring! Anyways, before I get lost in my tangent, the graphic novel gets an easy five stars out of five. It was good, simple fun that didn’t appear to have any major flaws that I’m aware of. Sometimes that’s all a book has to be: good, simple fun.

 

The progress on my own writing has been slow due to constant burnout, but then again, resting up is just as important as the work itself. That’s something I have to constantly remind myself every time I feel like beating myself up. I’ve often referred to the 2020’s as the Golden Age of Tiredness, because everybody’s feeling exhausted due to one thing or another. We’ll get through this together. We’ll have up days and down days, but the exhaustion isn’t permanent no matter how many times it feels that way. I’ll have my day of victory, even if it’s not today or tomorrow. That $20 check will go a long way in making sure that happens. Thank you, Aunt Ruth. Thank you so much!

 

 

Love,

Garrison

Rainbow Ranch, Chapter 1

In a world where something unexpected happened every day, Lucy the Hammer used her time off to chase her favorite tennis ball back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. She missed doing this so much as a non-humanoid puppy that she ran after said ball with excited pitter-patters, galloping like the world’s smallest and peppiest horse. Her long Chiweenie tongue hung down in anticipation for finally getting her beloved toy in her mouth. But once she snapped her jaws, her fellow squad mates would throw it in the opposite direction. Even with whiny cries of, “Give it back, give it back!”, her much bigger humanoid dog companions got their chuckle-filled kicks out of playing keep-away.

And then the towering bulldog caught the tennis ball and waved it around out of Lucy’s reach. Even after jumping her highest, her feet dangling in the air, she could never snatch her coveted treasure. And then the much bigger dog reached down and rolled Lucy on her back, tickling her stomach and getting her to giggle like the little child she always wanted to be. Somewhere in this playful session, the bulldog shoved the tennis ball in Lucy’s mouth and then she began to relax on the stony ground. Her squad mates continued to horse-laugh, but these were jovial laughs rather than mean ones.

The longer Lucy the Hammer could live in the past and forget the Hammer part of her name, the happier she became as evidenced by her glowing grin and wagging butt. Playing with tennis balls, chewing pork sausages, getting belly rubs and ear scratches, and running across wheat fields unhindered by the burdens of humanhood. But as heavenly as these fantasies were for Lucy, it didn’t change the fact that she was laying on a cold stone ground this whole time. 

This place wasn’t her happy home. It was a hydroelectric powerplant in the shape of a pyramid. Water flowed through channels like a gentle creek and powered a spinning magic crystal, the essence of energy in a region already full of magic and hope. Lucy carried a war hammer for a reason. Her squad mates carried swords, maces, and axes for the same reason. Their duties as soldiers were calling to them. War was never the answer, but they protected their homeland from those who thought it was.

“Razor Ripley is here! Salute!” And just like that, Lucy spit her prized possession out of her mouth and joined her squad mates in a straight line, barking their heads off until their voices echoed across the sky. While her much bigger brethren had muscle and power behind their voices, Lucy’s bark was that of a yappy murder victim despite nobody ever laying a finger on her. That’s just how she was.

But the bass in her squadron’s voices couldn’t compare to the monstrous bellow that came out of Razor Ripley’s skeletal mouth. “SHUT UP, STUPID DOGS!” That was the name of their group and upon hearing it, the dogs did what they were told before tensing up military style, weapons in hand, ready for a job.

Ripley cracked his bony knuckles and wiggled his fingers for extra effect. “I’m certain you all have heard the news of a new enemy on the horizon. Except we’ve faced him before and succeeded. But even in this enemy’s new form, we will succeed again. King Harrison Gaines, the brother of our beloved ruler James Gaines, has possessed the body of my lovable lapdog Loki. Loki the Skull as he’s now called is the new vessel for chaos and destruction. King James is busy securing other powerplants here on Rainbow Ranch. We are here to secure this one. Harrison made the vast majority of animals into humanoids expecting them to want revenge on those who dumped them here. When he didn’t get what he wanted, he went insane and incited the violence himself. We can’t let him do that for a second time. Even with his necromantic abilities, we are one! We are strong! We will put him back into the dirt where he belongs! Do you all understand that?!” The dogs barked their loudest. “I can’t hear you! Sound off like you mean it!”

The dogs barked even louder than before, but Lucy was the most animated despite her diminutive form. She swung her hammer all around while declaring, “Let me at him, Razor Ripley! I’ll give him the old one-two-buckle my shoe!” In her overzeal, Lucy spun around and belly flopped onto the ground, her hammer spinning like a beer bottle until it skittered to the tip of Ripley’s toe. Her squad partners gasped in horror while Lucy smiled nervously at her boss.

With a glare on his face that could shake entire civilizations due to his fiery green eyes, Ripley picked up the hammer and marched over to the fallen Lucy, who was trembling and sweating in terror. She gulped a wad of saliva while Ripley’s leather sandaled footsteps echoed off the ground. Ripley leaned down. “On your feet, this instance!” Lucy sprung back up without a second thought before her hammer was given back to her. With a low and sinister tone, her boss said, “I hope you finish your job better than you started. Because if I have to have this conversation with you again…you won’t enjoy the outcome!”

Lucy gulped again. “Yes, sir.” Out of fantasy-land and into the harsh realities of Rainbow Ranch, a place whose survival hinged on her being the best soldier she could be. There was a reason she wore metal armor instead of a wool sweater that her grandma loved dressing her in. There was a reason she carried a hammer and not a tennis ball that reeked of dog breath. There was a reason everyone was glaring at her for literally falling behind on work. It was time to put down the toys and pick up weapons of war that no dog had any business carrying.

The Shut Up Stupid Dogs alongside Razor Ripley marched back and forth in a patrol unit looking for any sign of trouble. The gigantic bulldogs and pitbulls marched with a purpose. Razor Ripley floated through the air like a specter aching for his next haunt. Lucy just stared at the stone floor with the weight of early failure dragging down on her neck. She didn’t want to let anybody down. She wanted to be the goodest of good girls. She also wanted one of her squad mates to scratch her behind the ears and tell her it was okay.

In the glow of a purple magical aura shadowing behind her, Lucy had one more opportunity to prove herself. There he was in the flesh and fur: Loki the Skull, donning a black wizard’s robe with a hood barely concealing his murderous face. No lapdog should ever have been described that way, but here they were.

“This is the end of the line, Harrison!” threatened Razor Ripley as he gathered green energy in his bony hands. His soldiers readied their weapons and backed him up. Lucy once again shook in terror as she stood behind her boss, not out of solidarity, but out of fear of the magical lunatic that floated before them. “Ozzie the Wise has no time or tolerance for you! None of us do! What you’ve done was inexcusable! Now go back to bed, sweet king!”

Razor Ripley threw fireballs and lightning bolts at Loki the Skull while the dog soldiers attempted to rush into battle, cutting their foe off at all angles. Lucy held her war hammer in her trembling hands, clearly out of her league with this evil wizard. Despite having a clear numbers disadvantage, Loki the Skull held his own with rings of electricity and stardust emitting from his aura. The soldiers were swept off their feet while Ripley was blown backwards by the magical tremors. Ripley gave cover fire to his troops while they looked for an opportunity to flank past Loki’s magic and get within striking distance. Every time a soldier thought he had a chance, he was blown back even further with a fiery ring.

Lucy continued to bite her nails and watch in horror while one of her comrades was hanging onto the side of the building, scratching, clawing, and yelping for help. Loki smiled sickeningly as he slowly zeroed in on what would be his first kill of the battle. Loki’s paws electrified, his breath emitted clouds of poison, and his laugh made his evil intentions as clear as the crystal that powered this plant.

Lucy didn’t know which one she feared more: Loki the Skull or knowing she would let her squad down if she continued standing there without doing anything. The sight of Razor Ripley scowling at her and her squad mate dangling on the edge brought forth a fiery heart of her own. She readied her hammer and pitter-pattered across the ground, ducking underneath Loki’s defensive rings. And then she jumped in the air, one mighty swing of her hammer coming down on Loki’s foot.

Harrison’s vessel howled like werewolf while dancing around holding his cartoonishly thumping and pumping foot. Lucy wasted no time in pulling her friend back onto the building while Loki took a plunge of his own. Soon Loki’s cries of pain and terror grew quieter and quieter until he splashed into a lower bank of water like a turd in a toilet bowl.

Lucy’s squadron, Razor Ripley included, gazed upon her with shock and awe. She could only give a nervous smile in response. And then the dogs cheered and hoisted her on their shoulders in victory. “Congratulations, Lucy, you did it! Woo-hoo!” said the tennis ball-wielding bulldog from earlier. The hip-hip-hoorays continued as Lucy was launched higher and higher into the air. She laughed and screamed, “WEE!” while Razor Ripley crossed his arms and smiled benevolently in what seemed like the first time since forever.

Then the sound of cackling fire and electricity started up again and the next time Lucy was caught, she toppled her squad mates. “No…NO!” she cried while Loki the Skull floated right back up to the top of the powerplant, evil energy swirling around him and downward eyes glaring holes through all of his opponents. This time everybody backed up in fear, but Lucy’s newfound confidence led her tiny legs into battle once again. But this time, Loki brought backup in the form of the water from the river bank he had just splashed in. It rose in a tidal wave behind him, taller than the highest trees and more destructive than a biblical flood.

The wave crashed down upon the Shut Up Stupid Dogs and Razor Ripley, washing them down the side of the pyramid-like powerplant. The squad mates and Ripley screamed their heads off as they were being tossed around by the turbulence. Lucy, on the other hand, squealed in delight like she was riding a water slide. “WEEEEEEEEEE!” She even let out a few giggles while her friends were probably defecating themselves knowing they were going to get squished by whatever was down there. Sure enough, the wave hit the bottom of the pyramid and splashed the Shut Up Stupid Dogs and their boss every which way.

The end of the “ride” came when Lucy smacked her butt on the dirty ground and giggled one last time. “That was fun! Let’s do that again, guys!” No response from or sight of her squad mates. “Guys?! Guys, where are you?!” She pitter-pattered on the dirt ground looking for her friends, crying for help and howling in her murder victim way. Just like the day she was abandoned on this once desolate island, Lucy the Hammer was all alone and she knew it. Her head hung low, but not without her blowing the water out of her ears and letting out a deep sigh. Just like the patrol at the top of the pyramid, she trudged along the ground not knowing where to go or how to recover from a failure she thought was her fault. “Where’s my tennis ball?” she softly whined.

IOU

Something unexpected, but not really, though

When it comes to the world, there’s nothing I owe

I gave it everything

Until I couldn’t sing

The world asked for more, well, what do you know?

It’s an abusive romance with a floating rock

She gets all the diamonds, I get a bloody cock

More, more, more

So like a good man whore

I play the cheerleader while she’s fucking a jock

If I go on strike while I’m working this mic

What would there be left to click on and like?

I’m falling behind

In the endless grind

My wheels are spinning like a Kawasaki bike

Here’s an IOU that will never be paid

Here’s a shitty RPG that will never be played

You can be the DM

Until we’re past the PM

Hours of the day, I think my hairs have grayed

That’s all that life is: a game I can’t win

So why am I even going all the way in?

Gamble everything

Lose until it stings

Slam dunk the IOU in the rubbish bin

I owe the world nothing, its people even less

I’ve given all I’ve got and I’m still not the best

Christmas is over

I ain’t being covert

Middle finger to the earth, time for me to rest

Wake me up when you throw a parade

For every sacrifice that I’ve ever made

It’s not ego

I’m not a hero

I’m just full from drinking capitalist Kool-Aid

Ghost Story

I ate a can of spam and my heart went kerplunk

I hit the wooden floor with a heavy ass thunk

Final seconds of my life I saw my greatest hits

From a baby in a diaper to a corpse taking shits

The Rainbow Bridge had burst into flames

The ghosts of my pets with their human names

Possessed my dead body, turned me into a puppet

Now we’re going to have fun, because, fuck it

Kitties and doggies were my necromantic fuel

Now it’s time to get vengeance on a world so cruel

Visit puppy mills and set the little duppies free

Chew the breeders’ brains for all eternity

Visit every dog fighting circuit in the underground

Come on, tough guy, fight with me for five rounds

You might get away with an uppercut or two

But I clamp my broken teeth and start to chew

An abuser’s flesh tastes like T-bone steak

Drink a flood of blood the size of a lake

Rince and repeat until the bones are picked clean

A birthday buffet for the zombified fiend

The Rainbow Bridge is supplied with fresh souls

Every abuser’s death turns the flames ice cold

Ashes of the dead replenish the plant life

From dour to flowers, phytomantic power

Colors glow brightly across the fields

The souls of furry friends can finally heal

After I enjoyed my never-ending meals

I can finally rest in peace as part of the deal

Ghosts leave my body, the maggots take over

Until there’s nothing left but formaldehyde odor

The circle of life continues after death

Every living thing is now eating like a king