Do any of you have the player’s handbook to Cyberpunk Version 2.0? If you do, you’ll see a quote from a solo named Morgan Blackhand (I always call him Morgan Handjob for kicks). He basically says warriors who walk around with heavy machineguns and big metal armor are stupid because they’re putting huge bull’s eyes on themselves. Apparently, cybernetic mercenaries are supposed to keep their work a secret from everyone else.
I bet Morgan Handout, or Morgan Handjob, isn’t feeling gutsy enough to shill his anti-heaviness philosophy to Kaz Berretta, one of the two main characters in my sci-fi movie script Say Goodbye. He’s a bounty hunter with thick metal armor and a mile long rocket shotgun. In the end, it didn’t matter to him what was in fashion that season, because he always brought the bad guys to justice and collected his pay. Kaz proves wearing heavy armor is only a hindrance if you actually care what people think of you. He couldn’t give two shits what people think of him. If they were scared, it was good for business. If they didn’t trust him, it didn’t matter, because he doesn’t need their help with that big ass shotgun.
But Kaz Berretta wasn’t just a blow-’em-up hitman for hire. He had a family to take care of. The main villain of Say Goodbye, a hog sorcerer named Zod, was supposed to be his highest-priced bounty yet. With that kind of money, poverty wouldn’t even be in the Berretta clan’s vocabulary. In fact, if they wanted to go to a Disneyland-style theme park called Fantasmic Land, goddamn it, they’ll do it and have lots of money remaining for other excursions.
Kaz would have been the father of the year if it hadn’t been for one small detail near the end of Say Goodbye. You see, he had a partner in crime named Ethan Stryker, who was a trench coat-wielding machete fighter. Ethan also had a family to provide for, a pregnant wife and an autistic child. Ethan didn’t always get along with his wife, so his wife turned to Kaz for comfort…and kisses…and hugs…and sweet monkey sex while Ethan’s son was secretly filming the whole thing on his smart phone.
And then when the Strykers and the Berrettas finally went on a vacation trip to Fantasmic Land and had a good time, Ethan saw the video of his wife having sex with Kaz. If you watch the show Cheaters every Saturday night like I do, you can imagine what kind of violence came about after the footage was seen. Unlike Cheaters, there was no shoving and faux UFC action. Ethan still had a machete and he went on a slashing rampage that took Kaz to hell with him…and other members of the Berretta and Stryker families that didn’t live long enough to be traumatized by the end of Say Goodbye. The bad guys lose, but then again, so do the good guys. It’s a bittersweet ending to say the least.
As a warrior, Kaz Berretta is a badass tank who loves to blow shit up. As a human being, he’s deeply flawed. These are apparently the two ingredients needed to make a likeable character. That means Kaz is more than qualified to be part of a future novel or short story with equal parts violence and drama. If I do use Kaz again someday, I might have to consider putting Ethan right next to him since they go together like burgers and fries. Their fighting styles and choice of combat clothing is different, but their tough mindsets are the same.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I haven’t cried since the day she left me, ‘cause that would mean that I admit it’s over.”
-My Darkest Days singing “Perfect”-
I would have never known this song existed if it hadn’t been for Wham’s original version from the 1980’s. But exist it does. There indeed is a hard rock version of “Careless Whisper” and it’s done by Seether. No, Shaun Morgan doesn’t scream his head off like most of the singers in my Windows Media Player do. In fact, Shaun Morgan sounds very pleasant. He reminds me of somebody I used to know from the early 1990’s who put out the albums Never Mind and In Utero. What’s that guy’s name again? It’s on the tip of my tongue. Hint, hint, wink, wink.
So why exactly would I pay tribute to Seether for doing a cover version of a song originated by a pop duo named Wham? Because Seether’s version is not only more energetic and depressing, but it was there for me when I walked out of the Grand Cinema in Tacoma after watching the movie “Obsoledia“. When I got in the car with my mom and step-dad Dale, it was the first song I listened to on my MP3 player. George will never dance with Sophie again, not like they did when they were out in Death Valley speculating the fate of the earth post-climate change.
“Careless Whisper” and “Obsoledia” are both mediums that will rip your heart to pieces. By the end of both of them, the beautiful relationships are over. It’s true that “Careless Whisper” wasn’t sung by Shaun Morgan with Amy Lee from Evanescence in mind. The two of them used to date and they don’t anymore. Judging from the fact the two of them wrote breakup songs about each other, the separation was pretty fucking brutal.
There was nothing ugly about the way “Obsoledia” ended. George was a lonely librarian who didn’t believe in love until he spent a weekend with Sophie. Just when this poor introvert was starting to believe in the power or romance, it was used to break his heart when it turned out Sophie already had a boyfriend. Obsoledia is about things that are obsolete in this world, so maybe Seether’s new and fresh version of “Careless Whisper” wouldn’t have fit with the movie’s theme. If it were any other canon, though, it would have worked to perfection.
Shaun Morgan and George were both people with broken hearts. I made this connection the night I saw Obsoledia and subsequently listened to “Careless Whisper” by Seether. In my short stories and novels, the power of love is a deity in and of itself. It’s worshiped to the fullest extent and executed with beauty. Characters fall in love with each other all the time, sometimes in the most inopportune times. “Not Gonna Die” and “If I Offer You My Soul”, anyone?
I can get away with that in literature, because a good story is better than a cold reality. In the real world, people get divorced and broken up all the time. When those breakups and divorces happen, they often involve a power struggle that may or may not involve violence or monetary possessiveness. We all want to believe in the power of love. But is it really there? Can it last a lifetime? Can it endure so many hardships that it becomes indestructible? The answers vary from person to person. But as long as Seether is singing “Careless Whisper” on my MP3 player, the jury will always be out on this one.
***FACE BOOK MEME OF THE DAY***
“If Katniss and Peeta from The Hunger Games were Hollywood celebrities, their super couple nickname would either be Kat-Pee or Pee-Niss.”
Max Cavalera is without a doubt one of the hardest working metal musicians in the industry. He’s fronting three bands (Soulfly, Cavalera Conspiracy, and Killer Be Killed) and he was the founding member of one of the most successful metal bands today: Sepultura. He’s not going to flaunt his greatness in public because he’s a humble and friendly guy, so I’m going to do it for him in what little space I have in this blog entry about his memoir, “My Bloody Roots”.
The reason he can keep a frenetic pace in his work life is he has an unrivaled passion for heavy metal music since it basically saved his life. His father died while Max was only nine years old. Without him, the Cavalera clan lived in poverty in autocratic Brazil. He knew he could never make it as an ice cream salesman or a schoolchild because he was too pissed off about his father being gone. So what did he do? With what little money he had, he bought heavy metal albums and let them inspire him to become the hardcore rock and roller he his today.
All of this energy in his music didn’t come without a price. Aside from his father dying, he also had to deal with the death of his stepson Dana Wells, whose murder remains unsolved to this day. Max’s wife and Dana’s mother Gloria spent the longest time in despondency and all Max wanted to do was to be there for her while the guys of his band at the time, Sepultura, wanted to go on tour right away. One thing led to another and Max eventually left the band along with his wife, who was their manager.
Max was an emotional wreck to say the least, so much so that it affected his ability to continue his music career. So what did he do? The same thing any passionate metal head would have done: he formed Soulfly and became an instant success. The first Soulfly album was released in 1998 and they’ve been in business ever since. Add to that workload Cavalera Conspiracy and Killer Be Killed and you’ve got the recipe for true heavy metal badassery.
I won’t go into too much detail about Max Cavalera’s life (I fear I may have done that already). All I’ll say is that he came back from so many hardships and he did it all through the power of heavy metal music. It’s aggressive, fast-paced, and hardcore music straight from the soul. Without it, not only would Max not have found an escape, but those who listened wouldn’t have either. He doesn’t just rock out for the hell of it; he touches lives.
***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
DR. CUSHING: Jerome, it’s not too late to be saved! You won’t get another chance!
CRAZY K: I don’t need another motherfucking chance! You want to know why?! ‘Cause I don’t give a fuck! I said I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a FUCK!!
Toys continue to be a part of my life even now that I’m well into adulthood and technically “too old” for them. While I don’t actually get them out and play with them like I did as a kid, I do have aspirations of using them as characters in either my short stories or my novels. My Lego ogre with a tooth hammer isn’t any different. He may look like dots and studs to you, but to me, he’s a hulking, destructive, demonic, badass fucking giant with a spike hammer that can drive telephone poles into the ground like nails. You’re damn right he’s going to be a villain one day.
I found this devilish beauty while vacationing in Canada as part of my WWU graduation celebration. Canada is already a lovely country to live in, but add to that a toy store with an affinity for Legos and I’m in heaven. The Lego set itself was $50 and came from the Creator series. If you’re not familiar it, every set in that series can be one of three different things. In the case of the one I bought, it could have been either an Asian dragon, a European dragon, or the one I chose, a big fucking ogre with a mountain-crushing hammer. Guess which one I chose.
I don’t have an official first and last name for this character, but he was at one point a protagonist in the first act of an all-dialogue novel called Toy Story Extreme. At the time, his name was Jinn Malakian and he was a finalist in a fighting tournament that took place all over Port Orchard, Washington from my bedroom to Quizno’s to the convenience store. The whole point of Jinn’s character was that he was being forced to fight for his master’s sick pleasure (at the risk of being sold to Goodwill or Ross). The master eventually went to jail for vandalizing all of the “battlefields” and Jinn Malakian quietly disappeared from the story.
As an artist, I’m my own worst critic. Nobody will ever be more critical of me than I am of me. You can thank Dave Batista for that sound byte. It’s because of my self-toughness that Toy Story Extreme will never be allowed to see publication on my Smash Words, Amazon, or Lulu accounts. The all-dialogue format sounds good on paper, but when my bread and butter happens to be hyperbolic descriptions mostly used by WWE commentators, then the novel suffers horribly, so much so it’s irreparable.
Because of a foolish writing style on my part, the ogre formerly known as Jinn Malakian is unemployed yet again. He’s my favorite toy. I’d even dare say he’s the face of whatever story he’s a part of (despite that face being hideous to look at with the elongated teeth and dense jawbone). In a strange way, I see a little bit of Diablo 2’s barbarian class in my Lego ogre. They’re both vicious, raging warriors who prefer the thrill of toe-to-toe combat over cowardly striking from afar.
Then again, anybody who went up against this monster could be considered a coward. An intelligent and wise coward, but a coward nonetheless. Someday he’ll be part of a story. I’m even considering using him in my current dark fantasy novel Fireball Nightmare, the same novel that stars Deus Shadowheart and Dr. Scott Cain. That’s how much he means to me.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If I hadn’t left the WWE, nobody would know who John Cena was. He would have been buying boxes of Fruity Pebbles and eating them at home instead of getting paid to eat them.”
-Brock Lesnar-
It’s easy to create art out of the remains of destruction. Just a few posts ago, I created three new characters based on the internet arguments I had with the members of Play By Web in 2002 and 2004 over age limits: Zeal, Chakko, and Natron (The Undertaker doesn’t count since he’s copyrighted by the WWE). Three new characters are all well and good, but their births don’t change the fact that I still had depression and anger within me. Creativity is a great healing agent, but it doesn’t solve everything.
Music, on the other hand, is a very powerful drug that can be taken with any dosage of creativity. Creativity can be Prozac and music can be Abilify, if you really understand the power of medicine metaphors. In the case of 2002, the song that laid those fiery feelings to rest was “Om” by The Moody Blues. They already have a reputation for being peace-loving, leftwing hippies, but now that “Om” is on the market, they’ve taken it to a whole different level. “Om” is a word yoga masters use whenever they want to achieve a quiet mind through meditation, so it’s not much of a coincidence.
It’s a gorgeous piece of music complete with flutes, bass bongo drums, sitars, and of course, Mike Pinder’s Melotron keyboard (where would an early Moody Blues song be without it?). I’m not sure if it would put me to sleep due to the relaxation, but it definitely put my demons to sleep back in 2002 after the verbal battles were over. I was able to concentrate on my schoolwork and get the good grades I rightfully deserved.
If you have a fiery mind, “Om” by The Moody Blues is the tidal wave that will put out those destructive flames. If nothing else, it reminds us all that life is too short to be pissed off all the time. Metal fans will probably argue against that point since anger is a huge part of that aggressive genre of music. To those people, I argue there’s a huge difference between being psyched up for a metal song and pissed off at the world. When you’re psyched up for a metal song, it’s positive energy that will lead to having a good time. When you’re pissed off at the world, nobody wants to be around you and you will ultimately destroy yourself.
Not every situation calls for grinding, loud, explosive heavy metal. Sometimes you have to take a moment to calm down and assess the situation. Sometimes you have to lock yourself in your bedroom and let peace wash over you like warm Hawaiian beach water. You don’t necessarily have to do the whole “hippie-dippie” meditation routine in order to achieve this moment of peace. All you need is a moment to yourself and a deep look into your thoughts. Thinking is the best way to travel and it’s reiterated in “Om” by The Moody Blues. And once you’re done thinking, you can go back to the real world without unnecessarily spilling blood, especially your own.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“People on the internet like to take cheap shots at me, but they’ll never be more critical of me than I am of me.”
-Dave Batista-
Isao Qing is one of the few characters in my arsenal who I consider to be a “double agent”. In other words, I’ve used his name in two different stories for two different characters. He was a ghost ninja villain in Say Goodbye and a former welterweight MMA champion in a Dungeons & Dragons session I did with internet friends. Perhaps these two personalities can do a “fusion-ha!” like they do in Dragon Ball Z. Then again, I haven’t seen very many ghosts in mixed-martial arts. Being undead would give them an unfair edge, despite the fact there’s a UFC fighter who calls himself “The Korean Zombie”. Oh well.
In the modern fantasy movie script Say Goodbye, Isao Qing was a lackey for the main villain of the story, a pig warlock named Zod Ragefist. Zod saw all of his minions as disposable commodities, but Isao Qing in his ghostly ninja glory was far from worthless. When bounty hunters go after his boss in the fetid jungle, Isao visits the home of one of the bounty hunters and holds his wife and autistic kid hostage.
When the bounty hunter calls home to see how things are going, Isao takes a page out of George Carlin’s playbook and says, “Your wife can’t come to the phone right now, she’s seriously injured. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught on fire.” Isao was asking for trouble and praying for victory at the same time, just like the badass he was.
Isao’s presence in the Dungeons & Dragons role-play wasn’t nearly as impressive as when he did Say Goodbye. Yes, he was a former mixed-martial arts welterweight champion, but the only reason he got a shot at the title was because the original champion, a half-orc barbarian named Agrusk, was found dead in his home from videogame addiction.
So Isao is the number one contender for the welterweight title and wins the gold. At the next pay-per-view event, he has to defend it against a humanoid tiger named Bob Rua. Isao is defeated via head kicks in just ten seconds to lose the title. He tried to calm down with a massage afterwards, but he couldn’t relax as he just kept repeating to himself, “Ten seconds…ten seconds…ten seconds…”
Determining which version of Isao Qing I want to reuse isn’t rocket science: I want the badass ghost ninja with the silver tongue and the mystical katana. Unfortunately, I haven’t been using very many ninja characters in my short stories lately. Truth be told, I’m not the greatest at doing internet research since my lack of patience and lack of a filter for the articles I find keep me from accomplishing anything.
I know ninjas are black-clad assassins who are supposed to be quick and sneaky. I also know they’re supposed to be exceptional martial artists. The general idea of what a ninja should be is branded in my brain. The cultural aspects are not. When I make a ninja character, I don’t take into account things like honor and respect, just being a badass killer. If I do use Isao Qing as a ghost ninja, it will be a tough decision to make.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“I’m going to leave John Cena in a pile of blood, urine, and vomit.”
-Brock Lesnar-
When you’re going to school in the suburban nightmare that is Chehalis, Washington, you do whatever you can to maintain your innocence and creativity before some wise ass bully takes it away from you. From the summer of 1999 to October of that same year, my creativity and innocence led me to a Tears For Fears song called “Mad World”. The groovy 80’s synthesizers and Roland Orzabal’s vocals turned my pre-war mind into a rainbow-colored playground.
“Mad World” would bring about two different visuals in my imagination. One of them was playing Super Mario Kart and going through the Rainbow Road course. I didn’t have a favorite character at the time, but no matter who I used, I always enjoyed the colorful track despite falling off of it six or seven times during the race. The videogame soundtrack already uses cheerful and beautiful synthesizers to document the racers’ journey through this heavenly place. “Mad World” also has cheerful and beautiful synthesizers, so maybe it too could be used to move the racers along.
One train of thought leads to another and then they derail into a gorgeous disaster. I was working on a videogame idea called Super Final Fantasy (before Final Fantasy Hardcore) where the main character was a trench coat wearing, shotgun toting teenager with an axe to grind. Actually, his only weapon was the shotgun, he didn’t carry an axe, but you get what I’m saying. Since Final Fantasy 7 had the Golden Saucer and its many side quests, I figured Super Final Fantasy should have one of its own: the rainbow road-themed rollerblading park.
In order to earn new and better equipment for his party, Sage Gannon, the shotgun toting teenager in question, would have to put on his rollerblades and skate up the rainbow tower and into the calming night skies in a race against other opponents. It’s like the Chocobo race in Final Fantasy 7’s Golden Saucer park, but with humans instead of big ass chickens. Oh, and did I mention that “Mad World” would be the soundtrack for this rollerblade race? Did I also mention that there would be a molten pit in the center of the skate park? Yes, that sounds like a mad world to me. I don’t see Tony Hawk doing this shit.
Sage Gannon was going to rise to new heights whether he actually got to the top of the rainbow tower or not. That rollerblading gimmick was going to be gold. And then a little voice in my head told me to stop exploiting the Final Fantasy franchise and create stories of my own without the brand name. You know who told me that? Squall Leonhart from Final Fantasy 8. Yes, I realize he’s not a real person. If I’m taking advice from a fictional videogame character, then that means my schizophrenia probably started earlier than 2002. I’m still having a debate with myself as to whether this is the case or not, but either way, it was definitely made worse when the bullying started.
I still to this day enjoy the concept of a rainbow road. I still want to develop that concept into a skate park slash tower with a lava pit in the middle. And I still listen to “Mad World” to this day. Before I put the finishing touches on this song review, I want everyone to know I strictly prefer the Tears For Fears version over the Gary Jules version. All Gary Jules did for the song was play a piano and sing in hushed tones. That’s fine and good, but it’s not the best strategy if you’re trying to narrate action in a rainbow-themed skate park. Somehow, Gary Jules doesn’t bring the same Final Fantasy excitement that Tears For Fears does. So thank you, Tears For Fears, for giving me something to dream about even after my mind was incapable of dreaming due to the numbness and exhaustion.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
MR. GARRISON: Hey, Mr. Slave, I had a dream last night that you were being a real dick.
MR. SLAVE: Really? Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?
MR. GARRISON: No, no, Mr. Slave, I was the asshole.
-South Park-
