NAME: Finn Cosgrave
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: Heavyweight Mixed-Martial Artist
CANON: It’s Just a Joke
I can be quoted as saying that people shouldn’t choose combative occupations for the sake of finding romance. If you join NCIS thinking you’re going to walk out with Ziva David as arm candy, you’re dead wrong. If you become a cast mate on The Ultimate Fighter, you ain’t leaving with Ronda Rousey. And if you join the FBI, the other half of your bed won’t be occupied by Dr. Temperance Brennan. Nobody knew this better than Finn Cosgrave. After all, he didn’t need distractions going into his match with Chris Johnson. Seeing as how Finn had lost three fights in a row, if he lost one more, he would be fired.
So if Finn Cosgrave is fighting for his career and making very little money doing so, why would a marketable female fighter named Zelda Lee want to flirt with him in the gym? She has championship gold around her waist and an undefeated streak to go with it. Shouldn’t she be chasing someone higher on the food chain? Maybe Zelda likes Finn for his “charming personality” even though they hardly know each other. Finn has the muscles and height to be a Gary-Stu, and yet he feels like he has a huge mountain to climb to deserve a woman like Zelda.
Even though the two of them are technically supposed to be cutting weight for their upcoming fights, Finn and Zelda eat at Subway anyways. While there, a horny fan asks for Zelda’s autograph and verbally abuses Finn. The newfound couple work together in verbally dismantling this loser fan and leaving him embarrassed and lonely. Somehow, this is all some sort of motivation tactic to Finn to train harder in the gym and eventually win his match against Chris Johnson, which he does and therefore keeps his job.
Here’s one of the things that made “It’s Just a Joke” so unrealistic in my eyes: so Finn fights his ass off to earn a knockout victory over Chris Johnson and keep his job. And then later in the evening, he quits. He quits because Zelda’s opponent for the evening, an Amazon lady named Cameron Gillespie, kills her with an illegal up kick. There’s no clarity as to whether Cameron will get suspended, fined, or even jailed for her actions. There’s even some blame being placed on the ref for not stopping the up kick earlier. Finn Cosgrave apparently doesn’t care where the blame goes, because he’s so disenfranchised with MMA that he wants to quit due to losing the “love of his life”.
Good for you, Finn. You’re standing up for what you believe in and you let the whole world know that you’re not to be fucked with. There’s just one problem: you’re unemployed and MMA is the thing you do best. So now what? What other options are there for Mr. Finn Cosgrave? Washing dishes? Pumping gas? Selling Little Debbie cakes? Or maybe he can go into professional wrestling where more people die there than in mixed-martial arts. And if Finn does live through it all, he’ll still have a permanently aching body, a relentless travel schedule, and weird ass storylines. He might have a little bit of a push due to his MMA background and his heavyweight build, but other than that, he won’t like the transition.
There are two routes I can go down with Finn Cosgrave should I decide to use him again in a short story or novel. One of them is to keep this background story and have his emotional profile made up ahead of time. The other is to give him a fresh start and have him be a typecast big guy such as a bouncer or a cop (because he’s technically a hero). Whatever role he has, he might have to take a backseat to someone else lest he be considered a Gary-Stu. He can be the Chewbacca to someone’s Han Solo or the Deus Shadowheart to someone’s April Farrow. I don’t know what Finn Cosgrave’s role will be in the future, but all I can say is when this emotionally charged train is on the tracks, you’d better move out of the way.
***ADVICE OF THE DAY***
If you’re unemployed or ashamed of your job, the next time someone asks you what you do for a living, tell them, “I work with underprivileged children in the Democratic Society of Who Gives a Fuck.” That’ll raise a few eyebrows, maybe get a few chuckles.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Brutus Knightwing
NAME: Brutus Knightwing
AGE: 31
OCCUPATION: Professional Wrestler
CANON: Giant Wrestling Federation
Brutus Knightwing is seven feet tall and weighs somewhere north of 325 lbs. For a man of his size, he is light on his feet and can perform wrestling moves cruiserweights normally pull off (spinning wheel kick, cross body block, and springboard elbow drop). In a wrestling promotion like GWF, his speed was a valuable asset in earning him three World Championships and five Tag Team Championships with fellow giant Andreas Rude. The Wrestling Observer Reading Magazine (WORM) rated Brutus the Most Improved Wrestler of 2010 and 2011. With this kind of impressive resume, Brutus should be a perfect fit in just about any promotion he goes to. Even Vinnie Mac & Cheese at WWE would drool over this mountain of muscle.
Unfortunately for Brutus, he never got to see the light of day beyond my computer folders. Wrestling RPG’s (good ones, anyways) are few and far between these days. The last time I took part in a wrestling RPG was when OTT Wrestling was still active on Play By Web dot com (obviously before I was banned from the latter). OTT (Over the Top) was where Occupy Wrestling hero Mitch McLeod got his start. He became so brutal and so popular that I had to make him the main character of my novel. But this was back in 2002. I didn’t conceive Brutus Knightwing until late in 2010, exactly five years after I was banned from Play By Web for not getting along with the admins.
When I say good wrestling RPG’s, I’m talking about games where the players get to act out the matches (objective) instead of just cut promos all the time and hope the admin likes them enough to let them win (subjective). Victory through promos is good in theory, but terrible in practice since admins tend to favor promos that are multiple pages long instead of actually good. Only by acting out the matches do the players have any control over their own destinies. Brutus Knightwing would have thrived in OTT, but drowned everywhere else.
And if he drowns in every RPG where talking is the key to victory, that means the only other option for Brutus is to put him in a novel of some kind. Because of his seven-foot tall stature and intimidating first and last name, he will obviously have to play a villain. As someone’s henchman, he could be a big dumb muscle man who throws people around like rag dolls. As a ruler, he could be vicious and quite possibly a conqueror. Yes, ruling would require some form of charisma that most seven-footers don’t have. But who says that the charisma can’t come from a tribal perspective. He could be a raging barbarian who screams his way through battle and rips everyone to pieces. He wouldn’t even need a weapon unless he was wrestling again, in which case he would use a steel chair.
Do you want to know why Vince McMahon prefers muscle-bound wrestlers over smaller ones? It’s because he believes they’re more marketable to the public. They look good when made into toys, printed on posters, and published in magazines. There is a little bit of truth to this. After all, Rey Mysterio on the cover of Muscle & Fitness doesn’t seem right. But here’s where the “internet dorks” clash with Vince: the smaller guys conquering the bigger guys is a more amazing story. Of course the bigger guy is going to win because that’s what we expect. If we get what we expect, the element of surprise is gone. But if a little runt like Daniel Bryan can get a hulking ogre like Kane to submit to the LeBelle Lock, then it’s a memory that’s going to blow everyone’s mind. Brutus Knightwing is a natural villain, and villains were meant to be conquered. Neil Gaiman said it himself: fantasy teaches us that not only are dragons real, they can be defeated.
***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
BAD NEWS BARRETT: The last time Rob Van Dam was relevant, I was still in diapers!
MICHAEL COLE: So Barrett wore diapers as a teenager?
AGE: 31
OCCUPATION: Professional Wrestler
CANON: Giant Wrestling Federation
Brutus Knightwing is seven feet tall and weighs somewhere north of 325 lbs. For a man of his size, he is light on his feet and can perform wrestling moves cruiserweights normally pull off (spinning wheel kick, cross body block, and springboard elbow drop). In a wrestling promotion like GWF, his speed was a valuable asset in earning him three World Championships and five Tag Team Championships with fellow giant Andreas Rude. The Wrestling Observer Reading Magazine (WORM) rated Brutus the Most Improved Wrestler of 2010 and 2011. With this kind of impressive resume, Brutus should be a perfect fit in just about any promotion he goes to. Even Vinnie Mac & Cheese at WWE would drool over this mountain of muscle.
Unfortunately for Brutus, he never got to see the light of day beyond my computer folders. Wrestling RPG’s (good ones, anyways) are few and far between these days. The last time I took part in a wrestling RPG was when OTT Wrestling was still active on Play By Web dot com (obviously before I was banned from the latter). OTT (Over the Top) was where Occupy Wrestling hero Mitch McLeod got his start. He became so brutal and so popular that I had to make him the main character of my novel. But this was back in 2002. I didn’t conceive Brutus Knightwing until late in 2010, exactly five years after I was banned from Play By Web for not getting along with the admins.
When I say good wrestling RPG’s, I’m talking about games where the players get to act out the matches (objective) instead of just cut promos all the time and hope the admin likes them enough to let them win (subjective). Victory through promos is good in theory, but terrible in practice since admins tend to favor promos that are multiple pages long instead of actually good. Only by acting out the matches do the players have any control over their own destinies. Brutus Knightwing would have thrived in OTT, but drowned everywhere else.
And if he drowns in every RPG where talking is the key to victory, that means the only other option for Brutus is to put him in a novel of some kind. Because of his seven-foot tall stature and intimidating first and last name, he will obviously have to play a villain. As someone’s henchman, he could be a big dumb muscle man who throws people around like rag dolls. As a ruler, he could be vicious and quite possibly a conqueror. Yes, ruling would require some form of charisma that most seven-footers don’t have. But who says that the charisma can’t come from a tribal perspective. He could be a raging barbarian who screams his way through battle and rips everyone to pieces. He wouldn’t even need a weapon unless he was wrestling again, in which case he would use a steel chair.
Do you want to know why Vince McMahon prefers muscle-bound wrestlers over smaller ones? It’s because he believes they’re more marketable to the public. They look good when made into toys, printed on posters, and published in magazines. There is a little bit of truth to this. After all, Rey Mysterio on the cover of Muscle & Fitness doesn’t seem right. But here’s where the “internet dorks” clash with Vince: the smaller guys conquering the bigger guys is a more amazing story. Of course the bigger guy is going to win because that’s what we expect. If we get what we expect, the element of surprise is gone. But if a little runt like Daniel Bryan can get a hulking ogre like Kane to submit to the LeBelle Lock, then it’s a memory that’s going to blow everyone’s mind. Brutus Knightwing is a natural villain, and villains were meant to be conquered. Neil Gaiman said it himself: fantasy teaches us that not only are dragons real, they can be defeated.
***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
BAD NEWS BARRETT: The last time Rob Van Dam was relevant, I was still in diapers!
MICHAEL COLE: So Barrett wore diapers as a teenager?
Friday, April 17, 2015
"Nature of the Beast" by Adam Mansbach
BOOK TITLE: Nature of the Beast
AUTHOR: Adam Mansbach
YEAR: 2012
GENRE: Graphic Novel
SUBGENRE: Science Fiction
GRADE: Mixed
Single father, alligator wrestler, and all-around tough guy Bruno Bolo enters a tournament pitting himself against the deadliest animals from around the world from sharks to gorillas to polar bears to whatever else can snap a normal man’s spine in half within seconds. He thinks he’s going to earn a million dollars for his victory, but the tournament is really part of a conspiracy to determine who fights the alien invaders who want to bring the apocalypse to earth. Bruno is already a Gary-Stu-esque superman, but after being sprayed with angry hormones, he’s pretty much unstoppable.
Just like with any science-fiction, fantasy, or superhero graphic novel, badass violence is a must. Bruno and the wild animals he fights not only bring the violence, they leave blood bombs behind them. If you’re a fan of hardcore action, you’re going to get it with this graphic novel, no question about it.
I personally don’t care if Bruno comes off as a Gary-Stu. As a child, I played videogames where Gary-Stu’s were the main characters (Ryu from Street Fighter, the barbarian from Diablo II, Gorge from Unreal Championship, etc.) Yes, I know it’s intended to be a literary slur, but I’m allowed to enjoy a little hardcore violence every now and then. I still enjoy it to this day when I’m watching WWE and Roman Reigns is punching everyone’s lights out.
Here’s what I do take issue with: the animal aspect. I have dogs and cats around my home and they’re all as sweet as can be. While it is true that the animals in Nature of the Beast are a lot scarier than my dogs and cats, it doesn’t take away from them being innocent animals. These animals didn’t choose to be fighters in a tournament; they were raised that way by the scientists behind the scenes. Hell, there was even a scene where one of the scientists sprayed the anger hormones in a pit bull’s face. The dog went from being a smiling puppy-dup to a raging lunatic within seconds of being sprayed.
Bottom line: forcing “scary” animals to fight each other is no different from forcing dogs and roosters to do the same. At least when it happens in the wild, the animal is protecting something precious of theirs. What do they have to fight for in an arena under the watch of scientists? Fame? Fortune? Sadistic urges? I’ll get off my soapbox now.
This book gets mixed reception from me, or for those of you on Good Reads, 3 out of 5 stars. When you make your own conscience decision to buy this graphic novel (and it is your own choice in the end), you have to find a balance within your mind between the badass action and the sympathy for animals. You might like the bloody violence and give this thing a full five stars. You might be the future president of the ASPCA and give this book one star. You might be a fence-rider like me who finds validity in both sides of the spectrum. Or if you want to avoid this debate altogether, buy a copy of Adam Mansbach’s “Go the Fuck to Sleep” instead. I have a niece and that book made me giggle.
***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“It’s not every day you see a horse with two rear-ends!”
-Aladdin from “Aladdin”-
AUTHOR: Adam Mansbach
YEAR: 2012
GENRE: Graphic Novel
SUBGENRE: Science Fiction
GRADE: Mixed
Single father, alligator wrestler, and all-around tough guy Bruno Bolo enters a tournament pitting himself against the deadliest animals from around the world from sharks to gorillas to polar bears to whatever else can snap a normal man’s spine in half within seconds. He thinks he’s going to earn a million dollars for his victory, but the tournament is really part of a conspiracy to determine who fights the alien invaders who want to bring the apocalypse to earth. Bruno is already a Gary-Stu-esque superman, but after being sprayed with angry hormones, he’s pretty much unstoppable.
Just like with any science-fiction, fantasy, or superhero graphic novel, badass violence is a must. Bruno and the wild animals he fights not only bring the violence, they leave blood bombs behind them. If you’re a fan of hardcore action, you’re going to get it with this graphic novel, no question about it.
I personally don’t care if Bruno comes off as a Gary-Stu. As a child, I played videogames where Gary-Stu’s were the main characters (Ryu from Street Fighter, the barbarian from Diablo II, Gorge from Unreal Championship, etc.) Yes, I know it’s intended to be a literary slur, but I’m allowed to enjoy a little hardcore violence every now and then. I still enjoy it to this day when I’m watching WWE and Roman Reigns is punching everyone’s lights out.
Here’s what I do take issue with: the animal aspect. I have dogs and cats around my home and they’re all as sweet as can be. While it is true that the animals in Nature of the Beast are a lot scarier than my dogs and cats, it doesn’t take away from them being innocent animals. These animals didn’t choose to be fighters in a tournament; they were raised that way by the scientists behind the scenes. Hell, there was even a scene where one of the scientists sprayed the anger hormones in a pit bull’s face. The dog went from being a smiling puppy-dup to a raging lunatic within seconds of being sprayed.
Bottom line: forcing “scary” animals to fight each other is no different from forcing dogs and roosters to do the same. At least when it happens in the wild, the animal is protecting something precious of theirs. What do they have to fight for in an arena under the watch of scientists? Fame? Fortune? Sadistic urges? I’ll get off my soapbox now.
This book gets mixed reception from me, or for those of you on Good Reads, 3 out of 5 stars. When you make your own conscience decision to buy this graphic novel (and it is your own choice in the end), you have to find a balance within your mind between the badass action and the sympathy for animals. You might like the bloody violence and give this thing a full five stars. You might be the future president of the ASPCA and give this book one star. You might be a fence-rider like me who finds validity in both sides of the spectrum. Or if you want to avoid this debate altogether, buy a copy of Adam Mansbach’s “Go the Fuck to Sleep” instead. I have a niece and that book made me giggle.
***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“It’s not every day you see a horse with two rear-ends!”
-Aladdin from “Aladdin”-
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Vikki Colt
NAME: Vikki Colt
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: Singer
CANONS: Vina’s Slaves and Fireball Nightmare
I’ve always been fascinated with female singers, particularly those in the rock genre. In 2006, I had so much of a crush on Tarja Turunen that I bought every Nightwish album she was a part of. For Christmas one year, I got Rachael MacFarlane’s lounge CD, even though I’m not a fan of that kind of music. How about we continue the tradition of beautiful songstresses with the fictional variety, Vikki Colt. Vikki can not only do clean and dirty vocals interchangeably, but she looks smoking hot in a dress and gothic boots. You think there might be a line of men waiting outside her door with wedding rings in their hands? I’d like to think so.
In 2006, I wrote a rap metal musical called Vina’s Slaves, about a band of the same name trying to make a living in Bozeman, Montana. Vikki Colt was the female singer of that band and an occasional guitarist. Things weren’t going well enough for the band, so the leader, keyboard player and singer Chase Lugar, decided to get themselves popular by spreading politically liberal messages through their music.
It might have worked anywhere else, but not in fucking Bozeman, Montana, a state so red it might as well be covered in the band’s blood. The original guitarist Johnny De Morgan left the band under duress and became a born-again Christian. Charlie Moore went to jail after catching his girlfriend, Vikki, cheating on him with Chase. Vikki was raped by a gang of drunken marines and sent to a trauma center while the only remaining members of the band were Chase and the bass player Slick Hanover. Things eventually got better for the band, but not in Vikki’s presence, which means she was cast to the side this whole time.
Because I felt like she didn’t get enough attention in Vina’s Slaves, Vikki would have been resurrected in Fireball Nightmare, my most recent failure. Before it became a dud, I had one act completed and the second one in the works. Unfortunately for poor Vikki, she would have appeared in the third and I never made it that far. It’s a shame, really. She would have played an elfish heavy metal guitarist who tried to steal Ronan Seran away from his wife Makoto.
She could do it, too. When I drew her for the second time in eight years, she looked like an elf version of Maria Brink from In This Moment. Think about what kind of charisma Maria already has and multiply her hotness by a million. Vikki could have been something big. But like I said, Fireball Nightmare was yet another dud in this long line of stories that never made it.
But now that I think about it, was Vikki Colt used for anything more than just relationship fodder? Yes, she could sing and play the guitar with the best of them, but that doesn’t mean anything if her main role was to satisfy my musical goddess fantasies. If nothing else, that would make her a Mary-Sue. Either that, or she would be on an episode of Cheaters. She deserves better than that. If I’m going to make Vikki into a rock star, she has to be more about her music and less about being boy crazy. That doesn’t mean she can’t have sex appeal. It just means she won’t be in whatever story she’s a part of for pornographic reasons.
Maybe if Vikki’s sex appeal does shine through, she can go by the Neko Case and Ronda Rousey Rule, as I like to call it: if she doesn’t show it off at the beach, she won’t show it off anywhere else. Maybe Vikki can do a few bikini shoots, but that’s about it. Women wear bikinis all the time at the beach and none of them have been arrested for public indecency. In the same way that Ronda Rousey wants to be remembered for her fighting, Vikki Colt wants to be remembered for being a damn good musician and putting out metal album after metal album full of hardcore shit. If anybody comes up to Vikki on the streets and demands anything more from her, they’ll get a swift kick in the balls and be able to sing at a higher octave than her.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I don’t care about the story. I don’t care about the myth. I don’t care how you see my life; you haven’t witnessed it. Use fear as a weapon and pity as a whip. Convince everyone around that I’m a piece of shit.”
-Nothing More singing “Friendly Fire”-
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: Singer
CANONS: Vina’s Slaves and Fireball Nightmare
I’ve always been fascinated with female singers, particularly those in the rock genre. In 2006, I had so much of a crush on Tarja Turunen that I bought every Nightwish album she was a part of. For Christmas one year, I got Rachael MacFarlane’s lounge CD, even though I’m not a fan of that kind of music. How about we continue the tradition of beautiful songstresses with the fictional variety, Vikki Colt. Vikki can not only do clean and dirty vocals interchangeably, but she looks smoking hot in a dress and gothic boots. You think there might be a line of men waiting outside her door with wedding rings in their hands? I’d like to think so.
In 2006, I wrote a rap metal musical called Vina’s Slaves, about a band of the same name trying to make a living in Bozeman, Montana. Vikki Colt was the female singer of that band and an occasional guitarist. Things weren’t going well enough for the band, so the leader, keyboard player and singer Chase Lugar, decided to get themselves popular by spreading politically liberal messages through their music.
It might have worked anywhere else, but not in fucking Bozeman, Montana, a state so red it might as well be covered in the band’s blood. The original guitarist Johnny De Morgan left the band under duress and became a born-again Christian. Charlie Moore went to jail after catching his girlfriend, Vikki, cheating on him with Chase. Vikki was raped by a gang of drunken marines and sent to a trauma center while the only remaining members of the band were Chase and the bass player Slick Hanover. Things eventually got better for the band, but not in Vikki’s presence, which means she was cast to the side this whole time.
Because I felt like she didn’t get enough attention in Vina’s Slaves, Vikki would have been resurrected in Fireball Nightmare, my most recent failure. Before it became a dud, I had one act completed and the second one in the works. Unfortunately for poor Vikki, she would have appeared in the third and I never made it that far. It’s a shame, really. She would have played an elfish heavy metal guitarist who tried to steal Ronan Seran away from his wife Makoto.
She could do it, too. When I drew her for the second time in eight years, she looked like an elf version of Maria Brink from In This Moment. Think about what kind of charisma Maria already has and multiply her hotness by a million. Vikki could have been something big. But like I said, Fireball Nightmare was yet another dud in this long line of stories that never made it.
But now that I think about it, was Vikki Colt used for anything more than just relationship fodder? Yes, she could sing and play the guitar with the best of them, but that doesn’t mean anything if her main role was to satisfy my musical goddess fantasies. If nothing else, that would make her a Mary-Sue. Either that, or she would be on an episode of Cheaters. She deserves better than that. If I’m going to make Vikki into a rock star, she has to be more about her music and less about being boy crazy. That doesn’t mean she can’t have sex appeal. It just means she won’t be in whatever story she’s a part of for pornographic reasons.
Maybe if Vikki’s sex appeal does shine through, she can go by the Neko Case and Ronda Rousey Rule, as I like to call it: if she doesn’t show it off at the beach, she won’t show it off anywhere else. Maybe Vikki can do a few bikini shoots, but that’s about it. Women wear bikinis all the time at the beach and none of them have been arrested for public indecency. In the same way that Ronda Rousey wants to be remembered for her fighting, Vikki Colt wants to be remembered for being a damn good musician and putting out metal album after metal album full of hardcore shit. If anybody comes up to Vikki on the streets and demands anything more from her, they’ll get a swift kick in the balls and be able to sing at a higher octave than her.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I don’t care about the story. I don’t care about the myth. I don’t care how you see my life; you haven’t witnessed it. Use fear as a weapon and pity as a whip. Convince everyone around that I’m a piece of shit.”
-Nothing More singing “Friendly Fire”-
Sunday, April 5, 2015
"The Blood Guard" by Carter Roy
BOOK TITLE: The Blood Guard
AUTHOR: Carter Roy
YEAR: 2014
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Urban Fantasy
GRADE: Pass
Ronan Truelove is a 13-year-old boy who spent his whole life taking martial arts and athletic classes on the orders of his mother. One day after school, those skills could very well come in handy. His mother loads him into the car and speeds away from evil-looking agents in suits and ties. After the mother and son manage to get away, Ronan is sent to the nearest train station to Washington, DC, to meet up with other people who are just as deadly with a sword as Mrs. Truelove. From that moment on, Ronan is accosted by other evil minions in suits without further explanation as to why all of this is happening. As the novel progresses, the mystery unravels and Ronan Truelove gets closer and closer to proving his worth to a world about to be thrown into chaos.
To say that this book is a little fast-paced would be like saying sumo wrestlers are just a little heavy. The action is hot and heavy. The breaks in said action are few and far between. It’s a nonstop sword slinging, laser beam shooting, acrobatic dive from one chapter to the next. The only idiom I can use to describe such a breakneck pace is, “No rest for the weary.” And it’s true: Ronan Truelove nor his companions can even tie their shoes before another group of suited minions tries to kill them. It all seems like random action at first, but that’s the nature of mysteries: all will be revealed in due time. Until then, kick back, buckle in, and hold on tightly. It’s a bumpy ride all the way to the end.
A good majority of this action is being performed by a main character, Ronan, who doesn’t look anything like a typical hero. He’s a 13-year old boy. He’s skinnier than a paperclip. He’s oblivious to even the most thought out explanations. His fighting skills are nowhere near as polished as those of his enemies. He’s just as fearful as a layman watching his battles from the sidelines. And yet, he’s perfect for this kind of story, because fantasy is not about extraordinary people doing extraordinary things. It’s about every day people like you and me accomplishing the impossible. If a little beanpole like Ronan Truelove can save the day and solve the mysteries that surround his attacks, then what other doors does that open for us? Maybe the reader can feel inspired as well. Maybe that’s what Carter Roy intended.
And while I won’t go into the exact details of the Blood Guard mystery, I will say that there are a lot of twists and turns in this bumpy road to heroism. You’ll find out things you never would have imagined possible about the story arc. You’ll be surprised by everything, especially near the end of the story when the reader finds out who’s responsible for all of this chaos. I couldn’t be more silent about this plot if I had duct tape over my mouth. If you want to know what the hell is going on in this turbulent tale, you’ll have to figure it out on your own. Buy Carter Roy’s book and give him your patronage. And know that there’s plenty more mystery where that came from, especially since The Blood Guard is the first in a series of novels featuring Ronan Truelove. Then again, do you really want such an adrenaline-pumped story to end so soon? A passing grade for a badass novel.
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“The CIA doesn’t kill people anymore, they neutralize them or they depopulate an area. The government won’t lie to you anymore, they’ll engage in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Israeli murderers are called commandos. Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are known as freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”
-George Carlin-
AUTHOR: Carter Roy
YEAR: 2014
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Urban Fantasy
GRADE: Pass
Ronan Truelove is a 13-year-old boy who spent his whole life taking martial arts and athletic classes on the orders of his mother. One day after school, those skills could very well come in handy. His mother loads him into the car and speeds away from evil-looking agents in suits and ties. After the mother and son manage to get away, Ronan is sent to the nearest train station to Washington, DC, to meet up with other people who are just as deadly with a sword as Mrs. Truelove. From that moment on, Ronan is accosted by other evil minions in suits without further explanation as to why all of this is happening. As the novel progresses, the mystery unravels and Ronan Truelove gets closer and closer to proving his worth to a world about to be thrown into chaos.
To say that this book is a little fast-paced would be like saying sumo wrestlers are just a little heavy. The action is hot and heavy. The breaks in said action are few and far between. It’s a nonstop sword slinging, laser beam shooting, acrobatic dive from one chapter to the next. The only idiom I can use to describe such a breakneck pace is, “No rest for the weary.” And it’s true: Ronan Truelove nor his companions can even tie their shoes before another group of suited minions tries to kill them. It all seems like random action at first, but that’s the nature of mysteries: all will be revealed in due time. Until then, kick back, buckle in, and hold on tightly. It’s a bumpy ride all the way to the end.
A good majority of this action is being performed by a main character, Ronan, who doesn’t look anything like a typical hero. He’s a 13-year old boy. He’s skinnier than a paperclip. He’s oblivious to even the most thought out explanations. His fighting skills are nowhere near as polished as those of his enemies. He’s just as fearful as a layman watching his battles from the sidelines. And yet, he’s perfect for this kind of story, because fantasy is not about extraordinary people doing extraordinary things. It’s about every day people like you and me accomplishing the impossible. If a little beanpole like Ronan Truelove can save the day and solve the mysteries that surround his attacks, then what other doors does that open for us? Maybe the reader can feel inspired as well. Maybe that’s what Carter Roy intended.
And while I won’t go into the exact details of the Blood Guard mystery, I will say that there are a lot of twists and turns in this bumpy road to heroism. You’ll find out things you never would have imagined possible about the story arc. You’ll be surprised by everything, especially near the end of the story when the reader finds out who’s responsible for all of this chaos. I couldn’t be more silent about this plot if I had duct tape over my mouth. If you want to know what the hell is going on in this turbulent tale, you’ll have to figure it out on your own. Buy Carter Roy’s book and give him your patronage. And know that there’s plenty more mystery where that came from, especially since The Blood Guard is the first in a series of novels featuring Ronan Truelove. Then again, do you really want such an adrenaline-pumped story to end so soon? A passing grade for a badass novel.
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“The CIA doesn’t kill people anymore, they neutralize them or they depopulate an area. The government won’t lie to you anymore, they’ll engage in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Israeli murderers are called commandos. Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are known as freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”
-George Carlin-
Friday, April 3, 2015
Shivo Black
NAME: Shivo Black
AGE: 46
OCCUPATION: Demonic Prison Guard
CANON: Tower of Hell
Prison can be a scary place for anybody, whether they’re a small time crook who forges checks or a heavy hitter who rapes children across the country. The Tower of Hell was no different, especially when Shivo Black was the head prison guard. It was a bad enough place with the fear of being raped by demons, beaten by orcs, forced to eat sewage that somehow passed for food, and stuffed in an tiny cell with someone who wants to beat the shit out of anyone he comes across.
And then you have Shivo Black: a seven-foot tall demon with bull horns, muscles, and a nasty attitude. You think he abuses his authority every now and then? You think he grabs people by the neck and pops their heads like pimples? You think he sits on people’s chests and snaps every bone in their bodies? You think he grabs five guys at a time at their necks and ankles and pulls them apart like flies? You’re damn right he does all of these things! You know why? Because he’s a sick evil fuck, that’s why! He’s a villain of the very worst kind! He does all of this under the guise of justice. Because as we all know, prison is a place where criminals can become better members of society. I rolled my eyes so many times on that one that I might as well go bowling with my brain cells.
When the warden, an even more sadistic fucker named Dr. Steve Naraku, had business to attend to, Shivo Black had the Tower of Hell all to himself. And when the real overseer, King David Said-Matrix, wanted to have an overview of what the hell was really going on in that prison, the noble king almost had a stroke. He had the entire prison converted to a REAL rehabilitation facility and Shivo Black’s fate was unknown at that point. He was the victim of Aborted Arc Syndrome, where he was eliminated from the storyline without the audience really knowing why. Then again, what kind of vicious warrior would ever try to get in the face of someone like Shivo and live to tell about it? Without a ladder, no less.
All of this deadliness got me thinking that Shivo Black shouldn’t be a supporting villain. He should be the main antagonist of whatever story he occupies. He has all of the qualities it takes to be a lead villain: overpowered, overbearing, ruthless, and dominant. There isn’t one person in the Tower of Hell franchise capable of taking this gigantic motherfucker out on their own.
Kevin Demonic and his necromancy? Fucking forget it. He’d be lucky to take one step into the battle and live for the next one. Kon Shou? Even an abominable undead warrior like him who’s the same height as Shivo can’t go far with a broken spine compliments of you know who. Minra Cottonmouth, some bounty hunter who doesn’t have his shit together, do you really think he and his chain whip can strike enough lashes into Shivo to knock his ass over? No chance in hell.
Taking down Shivo would have to be a team effort and that team would have to have a lot of people on it. It might take an entire army to weather the storm of Shivo Black’s fiery assault. And he just might be a prison guard in his next story. Prison is an evil place no matter what side of justice you’re on. Some countries do justice better than others, but if Shivo was a part of the American system, even jaywalkers would either turn to a puddle of blood and splooge or they would become mass murderers on their first day of freedom.
But suppose Shivo was randomly thrown into a modern drama story instead of a fantasy one like Tower of Hell was. Could he still be a demon? Probably not. Could he still act like one? Hell yes. Modern drama or fantasy world, if Shivo is allowed to guard a prison full of psychopaths and small time offenders, he will bend them into shape with little effort on his part and a lot of rage. But what exactly will those shapes be? Pretzels? Spirals? L’s? As an ultra-intimidating villain, he can do all of those things. I’ll have to be sure to put an M rating on whatever story he’s assigned, though.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Have you seen Luke Harper’s teeth? It looks like his tongue is in jail.”
-Jerry “The King” Lawler-
AGE: 46
OCCUPATION: Demonic Prison Guard
CANON: Tower of Hell
Prison can be a scary place for anybody, whether they’re a small time crook who forges checks or a heavy hitter who rapes children across the country. The Tower of Hell was no different, especially when Shivo Black was the head prison guard. It was a bad enough place with the fear of being raped by demons, beaten by orcs, forced to eat sewage that somehow passed for food, and stuffed in an tiny cell with someone who wants to beat the shit out of anyone he comes across.
And then you have Shivo Black: a seven-foot tall demon with bull horns, muscles, and a nasty attitude. You think he abuses his authority every now and then? You think he grabs people by the neck and pops their heads like pimples? You think he sits on people’s chests and snaps every bone in their bodies? You think he grabs five guys at a time at their necks and ankles and pulls them apart like flies? You’re damn right he does all of these things! You know why? Because he’s a sick evil fuck, that’s why! He’s a villain of the very worst kind! He does all of this under the guise of justice. Because as we all know, prison is a place where criminals can become better members of society. I rolled my eyes so many times on that one that I might as well go bowling with my brain cells.
When the warden, an even more sadistic fucker named Dr. Steve Naraku, had business to attend to, Shivo Black had the Tower of Hell all to himself. And when the real overseer, King David Said-Matrix, wanted to have an overview of what the hell was really going on in that prison, the noble king almost had a stroke. He had the entire prison converted to a REAL rehabilitation facility and Shivo Black’s fate was unknown at that point. He was the victim of Aborted Arc Syndrome, where he was eliminated from the storyline without the audience really knowing why. Then again, what kind of vicious warrior would ever try to get in the face of someone like Shivo and live to tell about it? Without a ladder, no less.
All of this deadliness got me thinking that Shivo Black shouldn’t be a supporting villain. He should be the main antagonist of whatever story he occupies. He has all of the qualities it takes to be a lead villain: overpowered, overbearing, ruthless, and dominant. There isn’t one person in the Tower of Hell franchise capable of taking this gigantic motherfucker out on their own.
Kevin Demonic and his necromancy? Fucking forget it. He’d be lucky to take one step into the battle and live for the next one. Kon Shou? Even an abominable undead warrior like him who’s the same height as Shivo can’t go far with a broken spine compliments of you know who. Minra Cottonmouth, some bounty hunter who doesn’t have his shit together, do you really think he and his chain whip can strike enough lashes into Shivo to knock his ass over? No chance in hell.
Taking down Shivo would have to be a team effort and that team would have to have a lot of people on it. It might take an entire army to weather the storm of Shivo Black’s fiery assault. And he just might be a prison guard in his next story. Prison is an evil place no matter what side of justice you’re on. Some countries do justice better than others, but if Shivo was a part of the American system, even jaywalkers would either turn to a puddle of blood and splooge or they would become mass murderers on their first day of freedom.
But suppose Shivo was randomly thrown into a modern drama story instead of a fantasy one like Tower of Hell was. Could he still be a demon? Probably not. Could he still act like one? Hell yes. Modern drama or fantasy world, if Shivo is allowed to guard a prison full of psychopaths and small time offenders, he will bend them into shape with little effort on his part and a lot of rage. But what exactly will those shapes be? Pretzels? Spirals? L’s? As an ultra-intimidating villain, he can do all of those things. I’ll have to be sure to put an M rating on whatever story he’s assigned, though.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Have you seen Luke Harper’s teeth? It looks like his tongue is in jail.”
-Jerry “The King” Lawler-
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