To use a phrase that will eventually become commonplace on this blog, Carl Hiaasen has done it again. His dialogue is witty, his villains are giggly, and his pace is breakneck. What more could one ask for when reading an environmental thriller? In the case of “Skin Tight”, somebody wants Mick Stranahan, a former police officer, dead. After disposing of a hit man with a swordfish, he goes on an investigative journey to find out just who paid him off. Along the way, he meets a TV personality with more vanity than credibility, a seven-foot bouncer who looks like a giant Rice Krispies treat, and an ambulance-chasing lawyer with sleazy intentions. The biggest threat to his life is Dr. Rudy Graveline, an incompetent plastic surgeon who has been sued more times than he cares to remember. Mick knows something that Rudy wants him to keep quiet about, albeit within the comfort of a casket: a plastic surgery fuck-up that reeks of homicide, particularly as it relates to a nose job done on Victoria Barletta, a college coed. Putting all of these crazy characters in the same place at the same time can only mean one thing: chaos. Lots and lots of chaos. If you think being trapped in a prison cell with these people is bad enough, try the entire state of Florida. Murder and corruption are common themes within this story. So common that most of these assassination attempts are on Mick’s life. You talk about some fast-paced action? You’ve got it, buddy! Even when things are cooling off for just a little while, they quickly pick right back up where the high-octane action left off. The lengthy conversations alone are enough to keep the reader on the edge of his seat. This story along with Hiaasen’s other works should be the standard bearers of what good fiction is. If you think the only fun you could have while reading is being on Twitter or Face Book, pick up “Skin Tight” and you’ll be instantly converted. It’s because of the fast-paced action that I’ve decided to label Mr. Hiaasen as a profound influence on my own writing. There’s a reason he’s so prolific. For a 375-page reason, buy “Skin Tight” and read the damn thing. Enough said.
***TWEET OF THE DAY***
I don’t have bad taste in jokes. I just like jokes that are in bad taste.
-Me-
I’m an author first and a marketing wizard second. Actually, you couldn’t really call it second. Maybe third. Or fourth. Or one-hundredth. The last time I learned anything about marketing was when I was 14 years old and studying it in my freshman year of high school, where my brain was melting into a puddle of liquid shit on account of PTSD from being bullied. So naturally, I retained nothing from that class, particularly as it relates to advertising a product. The product I want to advertise is my self-published book “Red Blood, White Knuckles, Blue Heart”, which was written under the name Garrison Kelly. The most I’ve done to advertise this book is approve distribution on Lulu.com (my publisher) and start an ad campaign on Goodreads.com. That’s about it. Now I have to ask, where do I go from here? This is one of the dangers of being a self-published author: aside from posting advertisements on various websites, you’re not going to get much out of it unless you’re a marketing genius. Think about Christopher Paolini for a moment, the author of the Eragon series. He self-published his books and became successful doing it, mainly because his story fell into the right hands, Carl Hiaasen’s step-son. Say what you will about the clichés he uses, he is successful nonetheless. In fact, there are a lot of authors out there who use traditional publishing and become successful despite being piss-poor writers. I’m not saying Christopher Paolini is piss-poor, because I’ve never read his stuff before, I’ve just seen the movie. But you get my drift, right? Success is all about being in the right place at the right time. Or if you’re a glass-half-empty kind of guy, not pissing off the wrong people. I’ve asked various people on the web about what I need to do to market my book and I haven’t gotten a definitive answer as of yet. So now, I’m using this forum, my book blog, to ask you guys if you know anything about advertising and if you do, how far should I go? The easiest answer you could give would be for me to close my Lulu.com account and go traditional. It’s easy for you to say, but harder for me to do. To be a traditionally published author, you have to have the best agent money can buy and you have to send your manuscript to tons of companies. And most of the time, they’ll say “no”. Not because you suck, but because they’re just plain not interested. Lots of great authors go unheard and it’s all because editors at publishing companies simply don’t give a damn about them. So instead of spending tons of money sending out my manuscript to people and getting told “no”, I’m going to say “yes” to myself and use Lulu.com. If no one else will reward me for my hard work, I’m going to reward myself. The question now is, how do I reap these rewards and turn this book into a marketing machine? We’ve got ears, say cheers!
***THE NEXT BOOK***
If for some reason I don’t publish another post on my blog reviewing a good book, it’s because I’ve run out of books to talk about and need to read new material. The book I’m reading now is “Skin Tight” by Carl Hiaasen. The problem? I’m only 20 pages into it. Who knows? I just may burst through it all one day when the skies are cloudy and new age music is serenading me through the TV speakers. Look forward to a post about “Skin Tight”. It won’t be too much longer, I hope.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Back at school it never made much sense. Now I pay but I can’t pay attention. Teaching me the hardest lessons of my life. Too dumb to die I guess, but that’s the way it goes. Sometimes I must regress these. Sex, drugs, and violence. English, math, and science. Safety in numbers. Give me, give me danger. Well, I don’t want to be an imbecile, but Jesus made me that way.”
-Green Day singing “Sex, Drugs, and Violence”-
“More Headlines” is by no means a novel. In fact, if you tried to commit manslaughter with this book, you would get laughed out of the room by your victim. So instead of analyzing this book blow-by-blow, I’ll post some samples of what you can find in this tiny book. Starting with…
HEADLINE: Crime: sheriff asks for 13.7% increase.
JAY LENO: Okay, Spike, you’ve been hitting two houses a week. Let’s make that three. And Lefty, I want to see twice as many purse snatchings. Let’s all do what we can to help the sheriff.
HEADLINE: Outlaw to announce 3 police promotions.
JAY LENO: Hey, you don’t think these guys are working together, do you?
HEADLINE: Mayor says DC is safe except for murders.
JAY LENO: Oh, that’s a relief. I was afraid I’d get my car radio stolen.
HEADLINE: High-crime areas said to be safer.
JAY LENO: Now, if we could just increase crime in the low-crime areas, they’d be safer too.
HEADLINE: No cause of death determined for beheading victim.
JAY LENO: How about stretched vocal cords?
HEADLINE: Terrorist bought bomb parts at K-Mart.
JAY LENO: Attention K-Mart shoppers: plutonium on aisle 9.
HEADLINE: Thieves steal burglar alarm.
JAY LENO: I wonder what they did with the Porsche that was attached to it.
HEADLINE: Robber’s description: man, possibly a woman, definitely ugly.
JAY LENO: Hmm, the problem is going to be interviewing suspects without hurting their feelings.
HEADLINE: Woman who ran over spouse gets 5-15 years. Told doctors he was possessed by Mickey Mouse.
JAY LENO: What a shame…and on his fiftieth anniversary too.
You want more? You’ll get more as soon as you march your ass to Barnes & Noble and buy a copy! Adios, amigos! Thanks for reading!
***TWEET OF THE DAY***
“I can appreciate the irony in finding a coat hanger in a catholic church.”
-Me-
I’ve been a Nightwish fan since 2002 when my brother introduced the song “She Is My Sin” to me. When lead singer Tarja Turunen was fired in 2005, I’ve always encouraged people never to side with one particular camp. Being a supporter of both sides of the Nightwish equation, I can safely say without fail that Mape Ollila’s biography of the band is easily the most disturbing thing I’ve ever read. I could have watched Jeffrey Dahmer chowing down on a corpse or the cast of iCarly getting foot-raped by Dan Schneider and I still wouldn’t be as disturbed and frightened as I was when reading the last hundred pages of this book. I wasn’t disturbed by the crazy antics of the crew such as sticking their dicks in light sockets and getting drunk off their asses. I wasn’t even disturbed by the early on infighting that took place within the band. Those things I can handle. I’m speaking exclusively about the last hundred pages, where Tarja’s South American husband Marcelo Cabuli is portrayed as being no different from oysters at the bottom of the Deep Water Horizon. I’ll leave it up to you guys to figure out what that last phrase means. I’m not saying the portrayal was just, but I’m also not saying it wasn’t. Even after reading the different ways in which the band was falling to pieces such as cancelling shows due to “low payments”, skipping rehearsals, and a general change of attitude on Tarja’s part, I refuse to become a headhunter for any one particular side. Instead, I’m just going to keep on saying what I’ve been saying since 2005: just listen to the wonderful music the group plays and shut up. Isn’t that what it’s all about to begin with? The music? Tuomas Holopainen, the keyboardist and songwriter, seems to think it’s about the music. And when arguments with Tarja and Marcelo began to get in the way of creating music, he had to make a decision that wasn’t the most agreeable among fans: he terminated her. It was a sad moment for everybody, no matter what “camp” you as a fan were from. Since losing Tarja in 2005, the band had been scrambling to find a new singer and finally did in Anette Olzon, as evidenced in her work on the 2007 album “Dark Passion Play”. And that’s exactly where the story ends: 2007, as that was the time Bazillion Points published the book. I’d like to think that there will be another installment of “Once Upon a Nightwish” since a lot has happened since 2007, but in all honesty, we’ll just have to wait a few more years. To be honest yet again, I’d probably be frightened and disturbed once more if a new book was published since in 2012 Anette left the band on her own terms. I’d like to think that Anette’s decision to leave wasn’t laced in poisonous hatred. But that’s a story for another day. What did I think of this particular book that I’m speaking of now? Great stuff. Very well written. Mape Ollila is an awesome author and should have never been taken to court by Marcelo Cabuli. Never!
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“An obese girl enters an elevator with me, all dressed up fancy, a green butterfly on her neck. Terribly sweet perfume deafens me. She’s going to dinner alone. That makes her even more beautiful.”
-Nightwish singing “Song of Myself”-
