"More Headlines" by Jay Leno

“More Headlines” is by no means a novel. In fact, if you tried to commit manslaughter with this book, you would get laughed out of the room by your victim. So instead of analyzing this book blow-by-blow, I’ll post some samples of what you can find in this tiny book. Starting with…

HEADLINE: Crime: sheriff asks for 13.7% increase.
JAY LENO: Okay, Spike, you’ve been hitting two houses a week. Let’s make that three. And Lefty, I want to see twice as many purse snatchings. Let’s all do what we can to help the sheriff.

HEADLINE: Outlaw to announce 3 police promotions.
JAY LENO: Hey, you don’t think these guys are working together, do you?

HEADLINE: Mayor says DC is safe except for murders.
JAY LENO: Oh, that’s a relief. I was afraid I’d get my car radio stolen.

HEADLINE: High-crime areas said to be safer.
JAY LENO: Now, if we could just increase crime in the low-crime areas, they’d be safer too.

HEADLINE: No cause of death determined for beheading victim.
JAY LENO: How about stretched vocal cords?

HEADLINE: Terrorist bought bomb parts at K-Mart.
JAY LENO: Attention K-Mart shoppers: plutonium on aisle 9.

HEADLINE: Thieves steal burglar alarm.
JAY LENO: I wonder what they did with the Porsche that was attached to it.

HEADLINE: Robber’s description: man, possibly a woman, definitely ugly.
JAY LENO: Hmm, the problem is going to be interviewing suspects without hurting their feelings.

HEADLINE: Woman who ran over spouse gets 5-15 years. Told doctors he was possessed by Mickey Mouse.
JAY LENO: What a shame…and on his fiftieth anniversary too.

You want more? You’ll get more as soon as you march your ass to Barnes & Noble and buy a copy! Adios, amigos! Thanks for reading!

　

***TWEET OF THE DAY***

“I can appreciate the irony in finding a coat hanger in a catholic church.”

-Me-