Unused Dialogue

***UNUSED DIALOGUE***

Whether these pieces of dialogue are based in reality, dreams, or random thoughts, they somehow found a place in my mind, but not in my work. They may never be used for anything. The may be pieces of dialogue in a song. They may be used as prompt suggestions. I have no idea what the future holds for these pieces of dialogue, so I’m going to share them with you all to see if they have any true potential for anything bigger than random thoughts. Starting with…

TEENAGE GIRL: (Sobbing)

COP: What’s wrong? Are you okay? Why aren’t you in school?

TEENAGE GIRL: The teacher told me I’m too stupid to go to school…(more sobbing)

LITTLE BOY: That Lacey Sturm is so pretty! When I grow up, I’m going to marry her!

CROWD: (Erupts into obnoxious laughter.)

LITTLE BOY: W…why are you laughing at me?

CROWD: (Continues laughing.)

LITTLE BOY: (sniff, sniff)…Why?

DETECTIVE: State your name for the record.

ME: Garrison Edward Ethan Kelly.

DETECTIVE: G.E.E.K.? Okay, um. I want you to tell me again how you knew those Denny’s cooks were aliens from another planet.

ME: Because they kept making offensive remarks about Europeans.

CASHIER: Hello.

ME: Hi.

CASHIER: Is that a work uniform?

ME: No, it’s just a regular polo shirt.

CASHIER: Oh. Where do you work?

ME: I don’t work anywhere. I’m unemployed.

CASHIER: Um…okay…uh…Are you self-employed?

ME: No, I’m unemployed.

CASHIER: Oh. Okay.

TARJA TURUNEN: You’re being awfully quiet tonight.

ME: I, uh…I get tongue-tied around beautiful women, that’s all.

TARJA TURUNEN: (Giggles) That’s just adorable!

SCOTTISH TEACHER: What have we here, laddie? Mysterious scribblings? A secret code? No, drawings, no less. Drawings, everyone!

STUDENTS: (Burst into laughter.)

SCOTTISH TEACHER: The laddie reckons himself an artist!

STUDENTS: (More laughter.)

SCOTTISH TEACHER: (Showing off the drawings.) And here we see Eddy from Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy performing oral sex on Kevin.

STUDENTS: Eww!

SCOTTISH TEACHER: While Kevin is standing on top of a coffin!

STUDENTS: Eww!

ONE STUDENT: Holy shit!

STUDENTS: (Laughing.)

SCOTTISH TEACHER: (Mouthing) Watch your language!

STUDENT: Sorry.

SCOTTISH TEACHER: (Showing off more drawings.) And here we see Bambi with a rope around his neck, a ball gag in his mouth, and a dildo in his arse!

STUDENTS: Eww!

SCOTTISH TEACHER: And the dildo has the words written on it, “Deer spear”.

STUDENTS: Eww!

SCOTTISH TEACHER: That is NOT how sex works! (Slaps artist’s hand with a pencil.) Pervert!

MISS SCHNEIDER: So, does anybody here have an example of what a community is? How about you, Garrison?

ME: Uh…shopping carts?

STUDENTS: (Laughter.)

ME: Shut up! (Pounds one of the laughing students over the head with a text book.)

MATT MCNAMARA: I just watched The Faces of Death. (Sick smile.)

SEAN MCNAMARA: What do you watch that shit for?!

MATT MCNAMARA: Because it’s cool!

CHRISTIAN TROY: Because he’s a serial killer in training.

MISS GRADY: Garrison, do we allow gum in Chehalis Middle School?

ME: No, we don’t.

MISS GRADY: And why is gum not allowed in our school?

ME: Um…I don’t know.

STUDENTS: (Laughing.)

ME: I don’t want to say anything! Call on somebody else!

MISS GRADY: Anybody else want to give it a shot?

Anybody want to take a guess as to which categories these pieces of dialogue fall under (fact or fiction)? I suppose it doesn’t matter, because this blog entry is as far as they’ll get…maybe…I don’t know…I’ve tried using dreams as creative fuel before and it ended disastrously. Maybe these dialogue snippets will be part of a larger song, kind of like how “Song of Myself” by Nightwish had a whole bunch of dialogue near the end; although, Tuomas Holopainen has me beaten in the songwriting department by a country mile. Speaking of Nightwish, I wonder what Marcelo Cabuli will think of me calling his wife “beautiful”. What about Lacey Sturm’s husband finding out a little boy had designs of marrying her? Anyways, we’ve got ears, say cheers!

***POISON TONGUE TALES 2: THE RIGHT TO REMAIN PSYCHOTIC***

Yesterday was a fine day for PTT2 action as I’ve penned a short story called “Where’s My Damn Money?” Now it’s onto the next one, as Jay-Z once said. This new story will be called “Robo Heck” (a lame ass play on words for Robotech, and yes, I’m trying to think of a new title for it, so back off). Here’s the synopsis for it:

CHARACTERS:

1. David Masters V, Human Mech Pilot
2. Amalia Strom, Amazonian Viking

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: David crash lands his giant robot on a tropical island and spends most of the day trying to fix it so he can get back to his military base. Amalia, the giantess who owns the island, wants to crush David underneath her foot and “make the world a better place for women”. In her words, men are responsible for creating war and David is part of the problem since he pilots a gigantic weapon for a living. With his mech only partially fixed, David has to fight off the Amazonian with what he managed to repair. He would also be better served to try and reason with his attacker before she completely obliterates him.

EXTRA NOTE: Remember what Bastian said in The Never Ending Story: “It’s just a story! It’s not real! It’s a fucking story!” Well, he didn’t drop an F-bomb, but the sentiment is the same: don’t make too much out of that synopsis.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Chetty Claymore, the debt-collecting elven necromancer from “Where’s My Damn Money?”, is next on deck for this series. Yes, folks: it’s yet another guy wearing a monk’s robe. Deal with it. What else is a necromancer like him supposed to wear: flip-flops and Daisy Dukes?

***STUCK RUBBER BABY***

With Paper Towns in the rear view mirror, I’ve been reading a new book these past few days: “Stuck Rubber Baby” by Howard Cruse. Because it’s a graphic novel and easy on the eyes, I plan on finishing it sooner than later and then giving a glowing review of it. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give it an extra credit grade or a passing one. It’s about being a gay man in the bible belt during the civil rights era, so naturally the main character has a huge struggle ahead of him. I highly recommend it both as an eye-opener and as a compelling story.

***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“The video arcade is just up the street. Here, we sell small rectangular objects. They’re called books. They require a little effort on your part and make no bee-bee-bee-bee-beeps. On your way, please.”

-Mr. Correander (the grumpy book salesman) from “The Never Ending Story”-

"500 Letters" by Tarja Turunen

Of all the 500 letters from a stranger that appeared on Tarja Turunen’s doorstep, I’ve written at least ten of them. Luckily for the both of us, she never saw them. Otherwise, she would either have a restraining order against me or she would send her husband Marcelo to collect my scalp. This semi-romantic obsession with the Finnish goddess started when I was reintroduced to Nightwish’s music in 2006 with the song “Dead Boy’s Poem”. A year before that, Tarja was released from Nightwish for not getting along with her band mates. I was heartbroken. In fact, my heart had been hurting for her throughout my college days. Granted, most of it was due to the fact my social life was nonexistent. Also granted, I didn’t have a girlfriend at the time. So in order to keep from feeling too lonely, the place I went to in my head to stop the pain was Tarja. Her hair, her face, her voice…everything. It was the only thing that got me through being away from my family for that long. If for some reason it sounds like I’m quoting Marty Deeks from NCIS: Los Angeles, it’s because I am (even though I didn’t have a drill shoved in my mouth like he did). During this obsession with Tarja, I tried my damnedest not to sound creepy when I wrote proses and poetry about her. But then again, anything I do automatically sounds creepy, so it’s a safe bet Mrs. Turunen should have been carrying a can of mace with her at all times. She probably does. Come to think of it, that’s part of the reason why I couldn’t approach anybody in school to be my friend or lover: I didn’t want to unknowingly creep them out. Using Tarja as a comforting mental image was the only safe bet because I knew she would never know me in a million years. In fact, I can pretty much say anything I want about any celebrity on this planet and they’ll never find me. Michael Vick sucks because he tortured puppies. Tarja Turunen is awesome because she makes beautiful music with or without her old band mates. If for some reason she read that, I also hope she reads this next sentence. Tarja, I am not a creep or a stalker. I’ve never been to your house and I don’t follow you on Twitter. Hell, I’ve never been to one of your concerts. But I want you to know that you are still to this day an inspiration to me. Your presence alone has helped me get through so much in my life. For whatever it’s worth, thank you for your gift of music. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get your picture tattooed all over my body like that guy in South America did for Julia Roberts. I’m kidding, of course. Really, I am!

　

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

“There’s a new website out there where stalkers get their comeuppance. It’s called Mace Book and the homepage is a total eyesore.”

-Me-

"Once Upon a Nightwish" by Mape Ollila

I’ve been a Nightwish fan since 2002 when my brother introduced the song “She Is My Sin” to me. When lead singer Tarja Turunen was fired in 2005, I’ve always encouraged people never to side with one particular camp. Being a supporter of both sides of the Nightwish equation, I can safely say without fail that Mape Ollila’s biography of the band is easily the most disturbing thing I’ve ever read. I could have watched Jeffrey Dahmer chowing down on a corpse or the cast of iCarly getting foot-raped by Dan Schneider and I still wouldn’t be as disturbed and frightened as I was when reading the last hundred pages of this book. I wasn’t disturbed by the crazy antics of the crew such as sticking their dicks in light sockets and getting drunk off their asses. I wasn’t even disturbed by the early on infighting that took place within the band. Those things I can handle. I’m speaking exclusively about the last hundred pages, where Tarja’s South American husband Marcelo Cabuli is portrayed as being no different from oysters at the bottom of the Deep Water Horizon. I’ll leave it up to you guys to figure out what that last phrase means. I’m not saying the portrayal was just, but I’m also not saying it wasn’t. Even after reading the different ways in which the band was falling to pieces such as cancelling shows due to “low payments”, skipping rehearsals, and a general change of attitude on Tarja’s part, I refuse to become a headhunter for any one particular side. Instead, I’m just going to keep on saying what I’ve been saying since 2005: just listen to the wonderful music the group plays and shut up. Isn’t that what it’s all about to begin with? The music? Tuomas Holopainen, the keyboardist and songwriter, seems to think it’s about the music. And when arguments with Tarja and Marcelo began to get in the way of creating music, he had to make a decision that wasn’t the most agreeable among fans: he terminated her. It was a sad moment for everybody, no matter what “camp” you as a fan were from. Since losing Tarja in 2005, the band had been scrambling to find a new singer and finally did in Anette Olzon, as evidenced in her work on the 2007 album “Dark Passion Play”. And that’s exactly where the story ends: 2007, as that was the time Bazillion Points published the book. I’d like to think that there will be another installment of “Once Upon a Nightwish” since a lot has happened since 2007, but in all honesty, we’ll just have to wait a few more years. To be honest yet again, I’d probably be frightened and disturbed once more if a new book was published since in 2012 Anette left the band on her own terms. I’d like to think that Anette’s decision to leave wasn’t laced in poisonous hatred. But that’s a story for another day. What did I think of this particular book that I’m speaking of now? Great stuff. Very well written. Mape Ollila is an awesome author and should have never been taken to court by Marcelo Cabuli. Never!

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“An obese girl enters an elevator with me, all dressed up fancy, a green butterfly on her neck. Terribly sweet perfume deafens me. She’s going to dinner alone. That makes her even more beautiful.”

-Nightwish singing “Song of Myself”-