Macho Man

 VERSE 1

Every day is leg day, make the ladies beg day

Mix some manly sperm with their eggs day

My pistols are big, but not as big as my dick

Give the ladies something to suck on and lick

I drive my hummer with a loud fucking motor

I leave behind a nice trail of gasoline odors

I’m a macho man! Don’t believe me? I’ll tell you

Toxic masculinity is what I’m trying to sell you

CHORUS

Macho man! Macho man!

The manliest of mansplainers!

Macho man! Macho man!

Fitness and beef are my college majors!

VERSE 2

How can I put this into words you’ll understand?

You’re a womanly woman and I’m a manly man

I talk down to you because that’s what kings do

Even other peasants will tell you that it’s true

CHORUS

Macho man! Macho man!

The manliest of mansplainers!

Macho man! Macho man!

Fitness and beef are my college majors!

VERSE 3

Fire my bazooka in a first person shooter game

Because real life wars by comparison are tame

I scream my B-words and a shit-load of C-words

Until my macho manliness melts the ladies’ beavers

Teabag my victims whether they ask for it or not

Balls in their faces while their corpses burn and rot

You could question my sexuality forever and a day

But I’ll flip the script and call your faggy ass gay

CHORUS

Macho man! Macho man!

The manliest of mansplainers!

Macho man! Macho man!

Fitness and beef are my college majors!

FINAL VERSE

Why are all my friends walking away from me?

Because I called them words that start with a B?

Maybe I’m just a coward fighting off low T

Lacking empathy for others, too blind to see

It’s on the tip of my tongue, I can’t figure it out

Has it always been my fault? Is that what it’s about?

It would take some ballsy courage to admit my mistakes

And admit my macho manliness has always been fake

The Krause Sisters (Bailey and Devon)

Sexism has always been an ugly part of today’s world whether it’s women being stoned to death in the Middle East or the existence of rape insurance here in America. The men who perpetuate this kind of hatred and bigotry need a swift kick in the testicles. That’s where The Krause Sisters come into play. As of today, I have no idea how these two young women will be used in one of my stories, but rest assured they won’t be the ones who need health insurance at the end of an encounter. In order to survive a battle with these two lethal ladies, you can’t just be a good fighter. You can’t even have an army by your side. You have to be part of an army of motherfucking assassins and murderers. Actually, that might not help you either, you’d still get your ass kicked. They know every martial art in the book, they’ve used every weapon ever invented, and they’re so hot that men wouldn’t be able to concentrate long enough to finish a fight with them. I know, I know, these two women sound like Mary-Sues already. They’re so perfect that nobody can stop them and everybody around them is going to die. If I absolutely have to make these women sound indestructible, it’ll be in legend only. The Sisters Brothers were said to have been the most lethal pair in all of western fiction, but they got their comeuppance by the story’s end. Perhaps the same fate could take over The Krause Sisters. Maybe in some way, Bailey and Devon could be separated from each other. We know they kick ass together, let’s see how they do on their own. Let’s see how they do against a 30-foot tall giant. Or the devil himself. Or god himself. Or maybe all three of these beings at once. Surely, there has to be some kind of limit when using The Krause Sisters. The limit may not be readily available at the very beginning of the story, but it’ll be there eventually. Maybe Bailey will get killed and Devon will have the face the world alone without a sister, or vice versa. The possibilities are as endless as the writer’s imagination. If you need a way to derail the momentum of two badass sisters, you’ll find one. Consider this a lesson in keeping your characters from becoming too perfect. I don’t care how many bombs Bailey and Devon drop or how many people they kill: if they’re too perfect, the story will be extremely boring and predictable. I won’t do that to my own characters. Bailey and Devon are in good hands, and no, those hands aren’t being used to fondle their bodies. For your information, I like my own body exactly the way it is: all in one piece.

　

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