Not Reading Your Own Reviews

***NOT READING YOUR OWN REVIEWS***

If you’re an author or creator of any kind, there’s one universal fact that you’ll have to blindly accept right off the bat: you will have critics, you will have bad reviews, and there’s nothing you can do about it other than keep on keeping on. It took me a LONG ass time to accept this, but I’m in a better position in my life because I did. Everyone in your audience has a unique point of view and that’s the way it should be. You don’t get to be a ruthless North Korean dictator just because you have sensitive feelings. But having said all of this, while you’re required to accept the fact you will be criticized, you are NOT obligated to read your own negative reviews.

That’s not the same thing as accepting feedback from your inner circle. Beta readers and editors are there for the sole purpose of giving you constructive feedback and advice on how to fix your manuscript’s worst flaws. You should welcome these people into your life because that’s how you get better as a writer. But reviewers are an entirely different animal altogether. Once your book is published, all bets are off. Reviewers are not obligated to be kind or constructive. Their job is to give an honest opinion of the work in question, nothing more, nothing less. Reviews are not written for the benefit of the author. They’re for the benefit of future readers, whether it’s advice to stay away from the published work or gravitate towards it en masse.

But just because someone is entitled to their negative opinion of you and your work, it doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to read what they have to say. That should be reserved for the beta readers and editors. Getting negative reviews is stressful. I know this because I’ve gotten a few of them myself (surprise, surprise) and haven’t brought myself to read what they actually say. You could argue that I’m a special little snowflake who gets easily hurt and you’d be right in that regard. Having a litany of mental health issues weakens my defenses when it comes to receiving harsh words. I want desperately to be a superhuman badass in the face of adversity, but I don’t get to have that choice. It seems as though every one of my author friends is secretly Superman or Wonder Woman, but I forget that they too have bad days when it comes to criticism. The only difference is, they have the ability to endure more than I can and it shows in their marketing schemes.

I’ve been watching a lot of Book Tube lately and had a nice little marketing strategy in mind: sending copies of my already published books to them and having them make videos about their honest opinions. I enjoy watching creators like Krimson Rogue, Rachel Oates, and Jordan Harvey work their magic. They’re entertaining, they’re thoughtful, they’re wise, and they’re the perfect candidates for reviewing my books, right? Well, that’s where my overactive, anxious imagination comes into play. I’ve played out tear-jerking scenarios in my head where these Book Tubers create videos bashing the shit out of my works and sending their viewers over to my social media to mob me out of existence. I know full well they’re not mean people. In fact, most of them don’t believe in cancel culture. But the thoughts have crossed my mind nonetheless and they’re maddening.

If they hypothetically were to give my books negative reviews, it’s not like they’d be entirely wrong in their opinions. Over the past decade, I’ve written some disgusting, nasty, overbearing shit and it’s only a matter of time before someone’s head explodes from reading it all. It could be Mitch McLeod coming off as a Gary-Stu. It could be me having a laugh at the expense of people from the south. Hell, one scenario I’ve imagined (but not realized yet) is Krimson Rogue jokingly calling one of my poetry books Confessions of a Schizophrenic Misogynist. For Christ’s sake, the book starts off by saying, “True blue, I don’t need a 62, your wife’s sweet juices will just have to do.” I don’t want to say that’s a red flag, but…well, it’s a red flag. A BIG fucking red flag.

Yes, my writing career has stagnated due to my lack of marketing prowess. Yes, I know what I need to do to fix that. But am I prepared for the consequences of doing so? Far from it. I’ve been mobbed online before and it’s not fun. Hell, I’ve gotten sad and angry when the harsh criticism was delivered in a gentle way. Like I said, I long for the day when I can be an ultra-tough superman, but I also know that day is never going to come, not in my condition. I firmly believe mental toughness is something you’re born with. Sure, you could sign up for the army and grow accustomed to having a drill instructor scream in your face 24/7, but if you’re not already mentally tough, that won’t build you up; it’ll knock your ass down for the count. I was born sensitive and I’ll take that to the grave with me several decades down the line.

So…if I were to follow through with my plan to allow Book Tubers to review what I’ve got and give an honest opinion, I should include one condition to the deal: that no matter how offensive the content is, we will still be friends. I’ll gladly agree to my end of that deal. If they give me one and two-star reviews, I will still think of them as my favorite friends. But will they feel the same about me? Yes, I consider some of these Book Tubers to be friends despite not knowing them well enough. Maybe I’m just a fan of their work and don’t want to be cast down by my own heroes. Maybe this condition isn’t necessary at all. But no matter if I include this provision or not, I still remain firm in my belief that reading my own reviews and watching my own response videos will only do more harm than good. Yes, I’d get the exposure I need, but like I said earlier, reviews are not for authors; they are for other readers. True critiques will come from your beta readers and editors. Hannah Lee Kidder, the author of Little Birds, agrees wholeheartedly with me and she’s more successful than I am at the moment, so if you can’t take my word for it, take hers.

If you want a copy of any of my books and you want to give an honest review of it, don’t be afraid to reach out to me. Your opinion matters. Nobody can take that away from you. Here’s my bibliography:

1. Occupy Wrestling (pro-wrestling urban fantasy novella)
2. American Darkness (contemporary micro-fiction collection)
3. Poison Tongue Tales (sci-fi, fantasy, and horror micro-fiction collection)
4. Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage (poetry and songs)
5. Necrograph (more poetry and songs)
6. Lunatic Justice (even more poetry and songs)
7. Still Standing (anti-bullying anthology alongside other authors)

Which one of you wants a nice reading adventure? I’m all ears! I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER PROGRESS***

It’s been a long time in between edit jobs, but as of today, I’ve completed a chapter-by-chapter synopsis, a prologue, and six opening chapters. Chapter seven will be the one where Shelly Atwood and one of her minions give Windham Xavier a bath. What could be so exciting about that, you ask? First of all, as I’ve already established, Shelly Atwood has no business touching Windham on any part of this body, much less when he’s butt naked in bath water. Eventually, he’s going to have to make a break for it. And he just fucking might!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“This world asks for so much. Despite what you give, it’s just never enough. Then you’re left cold, tired, and alone. Searching for something that’s already gone. You try not to be afraid. Bound down by all of these things that they say. And you feel like you’re all by yourself. But I’ll be right here when there’s nothing left. Your fears, they know that you’re scared. Wherever you go, they seem to meet you there. And you face them all on your own. Never the weak, always the strong. And you win most of the time. Never once claiming that victory’s mine. And you carry this burden alone. But this candle’s burned at both ends for so long. Lay down. Rest here in peace in my arms now knowing you’re safe from the storms and the rain and from all of your pain. And I’ll be here when only the silence remains.”

-3 Doors Down singing “The Silence Remains”-

"What Money Can't Buy" by Ashley Uzzell

BOOK TITLE: What Money Can’t Buy

AUTHOR: Ashley Uzzell

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Teen Romance

GRADE: Pass

Sasha Hill is a bratty high school student with an equally bratty circle of friends. Together, they dare each other to have a one-night stand with one of the “loser” boys. Sasha has her eye on Daniel Jones, a lonely senior with no parents, a poor income, and a geeky personality. The more she gets to know him, the more she realizes just how beautiful of a person Daniel is, both inside and out. In order to keep the boy she now falls in love with, she has to put aside her shallow values and see people for who they really are.

As someone who preaches deep thought over shallow values, it’s refreshing to see someone wise like Daniel Jones shine like a diamond over the course of this story. Unlike Sasha, he sees money as something that should be appreciated instead of wastefully spent. He also knows how valuable the creative arts are to the human soul whether it’s writing, music, or anything else that requires intellectual independence. He’s even capable of showing his emotions and being transparent with the people he trusts. Seeing as how his parents are dead and he’s raising himself, he has a lot of reasons to be emotional and to appreciate the things he has now. As a reader, you know Daniel is eventually going to learn the truth about Sasha’s intentions one way or another. And when he does, it’s going to hurt worse than having a root canal while passing a kidney stone. Traumatic pain is the worst kind.

Try not to dwell too much on the eventual heartbreak, because the romance between Sasha and Daniel is believable despite Sasha having a hidden agenda. They hold hands together, they kiss, they have deep conversations, and they help each other through the toughest times. Isn’t that what romance is all about? Of course, Sasha’s shallow friends Michelle and Tabitha wouldn’t agree with that, but what do they know? Those two can be easily cast aside while the reader is enjoying the budding love between Sasha and Daniel. There are moments in their relationship that are sweeter than a pint of Ben & Jerry’s covered in Hershey’s syrup. But when eating such a delicious dessert, take Daniel’s advice and be thankful for every spoonful you put in your mouth. Imagine that: being grateful can go a long way. Rhonda Byrne, the author of “The Secret”, knows this trick all too well.

If I may be as transparent as Daniel for a minute here, there were times in which I considered giving this book a mixed grade (three stars). Those times were influenced by Sasha’s crude behavior near the beginning of the book as well as the crude behavior of her shallow friends. They acted like a couple of stereotypical valley girls with big egos, big bank accounts, and big mouths. And then I realized that Sasha had to be portrayed in this light because the transformation she goes through in the novel would be more believable that way. While I won’t divulge what happens in the end, I will say that she went from being a non-reading, non-caring, heartless witch to a deep, beautiful, and loving soul. The transformation is a slow build and you’ll have to put up with Sasha’s nasty attitude for only a short while, but slow and steady wins the race and she becomes one of the most beautiful flowers in the entire garden. Who knew that taking the time to read books, volunteer at animal shelters, and spend the day with someone who gives a damn could do all of this for a human being’s soul?

Even though this book is categorized under teen romance, it’s really something all ages can enjoy. We all could use a loud and clear message that love and honor should reign over shallowness and loathing. All the diamonds, fast cars, and plastic surgery will never replace the spark between two people that eventually builds into a beautifully lit fire. I preach this message whenever I get on my soapbox because I myself am not the reflection of perfection when it comes to chasing women. If I ever have the chance to be a boyfriend or a husband, I’m going to make the most of it by treating my girlfriend or wife like a queen. Shoulder rubs, poetry, music, chores, whatever she wants, I’ll give it to her no matter how much is in my bank account or what kind of car I drive. That’s what this novel means to me and that’s why I’m giving it a passing grade (four stars). Excellent work, Mrs. Uzzell!

Brutally Honest Dating Profile

***BRUTALLY HONEST DATING PROFILE***

There used to be a time where I would frown and pout at the idea of not having a girlfriend, especially one of celebrity status. Ridiculous, right? I think so too. At this point in my life, I couldn’t care less about the dating scene. I care even less than that about online dating. I’ve tried it several times with no success and I’m ready to say, “Fuck it, I’m done”. I have so little compassion for online dating that if I ever decide to make a profile for a place like OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, E-Harmony, or any of those other sites, I’m going to take the Buzz Feed route and be brutally honest about all aspects of my life. For the sake of real life, I’m going to use my birth name instead of my penname. So without further ado, let’s get on with the Brutally Honest Dating Profile. It goes like this:

　

“Who is Garrison Haines-Temons? Most people don’t know, because they only see the surface of who I am: an out of shape and socially awkward man child with the worst case of allergies and the wrong answers to every socially acceptable question. If you’ve made it this far into my profile, I applaud you for not running away like a scream queen from a 1980’s horror movie.

The most common question I get asked by strangers is what I do for a living. If I wanted to be a funny guy, I could tell you that I work with impoverished children in the Democratic Republic of None of Your Damn Business. But that wouldn’t be the honest answer. The honest answer is, I’m an amateur writer who gets social security benefits for not only being schizophrenic and autistic, but also for having retired parents. I don’t go around telling people that because the person I’m talking to could either be a tea-bagging republican who judges poor people or a potential girlfriend who only dates men for their money and cars. If you’re going to judge me, do it on my character and not on my economic status. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks relationships are built on love and honesty instead of shallowness and greed.

What exactly is my character? The good news is, behind all of this social weirdness, I have a creative side to me. As I’ve said earlier, I’m an unpaid writer, but I also like to draw pictures of brutally violent warriors and take photographs of my toy collection and my animals. If there’s a creative project, I can get it done in style. For a while, I played the piano. I don’t do it much anymore, but the musical bug will come back to bite me soon enough.

What about my interests? Aside from expanding my creative outlets, I also love to watch professional wrestling, read books, and listen to heavy metal music. I used to play a lot of videogames, but ever since getting the shit kicked out of me multiple times by a lava dragon in Final Fantasy III, I’ve become too frustrated to continue that hobby. But I have to admit, videogames can be great creative fuel for when I’m writing a short story or heavy metal song.

You’ve made it this far into my dating profile without cowering away. You deserve a parade with confetti and marching bands. Now we’re going to get serious for a minute. I don’t have many pet peeves, but one of my biggest ones is people lacking respect for my introversion. You know the kind. They make small talk until the end of time, they always want your attention 24/7, they give you no breathing space or privacy of any kind, and they get pissed off if you call them out on their aggressive bullshit. If you’re one of these people who loves to smother your boyfriend with multiple texts, phone calls, and visits, then I don’t need you in my life. Every worst enemy of mine was someone who invaded my privacy and gave me no alone time to process my thoughts. Introversion may sound like an excuse to a lot of people, but it’s real to me and if you don’t honor it, you can’t be my girlfriend.

There you have it: Garrison Haines-Temons, bullshit free, nonconforming, live, and in color. Truth be told, I know not everyone accepts this kind of brutal honesty. In fact, I expect that most girls will see my profile and swipe to the right. That’s okay, though. I’m really joining this dating site out of protest and I really don’t need a relationship based on shallowness. Either you love all of me or you hate all of me. I don’t change for anybody. I don’t need to be told how to dress. I don’t need to be told what career to embark on. I don’t need to be told how to live life. I know what my life is about and I’m happy with my situation even though others aren’t. So what do you say? Will you give me a chance or will you keep pursuing your dreams of getting in the sack with Christian Grey?”

　

Now I’m actually curious as to how many hits this profile will get. I shouldn’t get too hung up on it, though. After all, I’m going into this thing with the ultimate “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

　

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

With the additions of Autumn the parrot and Shadow the dog, it’s time to add yet another former animal of mine to the series. Remember Ottie-Doo from the short story of the same name? Like Autumn and Shadow, I don’t have any photographs of the elderly kitty. A drawing will have to do instead. And now that I think about it, Ottie had a lot in common with my current elderly kitty Smokey. Maybe I could use a picture of Smokey for a reference model. Hmm….

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“New rule: couples who make out in public have to bring a bucket for me to throw up in. I didn’t come all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by your dry humping. I came all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by the food.”

-Bill Maher-

Frequently Asked Questions

QUESTION: What do you do for a living?
GENERIC ANSWER: I’m unemployed.
HONEST ANSWER: I write books about blood and gore.
LIE: I work with impoverished children in the Democratic Society of Who Gives a Shit.


QUESTION: Are you excited for school?
GENERIC ANSWER: I’m 30 years old; I’m too old for school.
HONEST ANSWER: Going to school leaves me dead inside.
LIE: I can’t fucking wait.


QUESTION: Where are you from?
GENERIC ANSWER: Here.
HONEST ANSWER: I was born in Oregon City.
LIE: I was born on Planet Jupiter. I come in peace.


QUESTION: Do you have a girlfriend?
GENERIC ANSWER: No.
HONEST ANSWER: Nobody will come up to me.
LIE: I’m currently in a relationship with the entire cast of WWE Total Divas.


QUESTION: What do you do for fun?
GENERIC ANSWER: Read and write.
HONEST ANSWER: Masturbate to sexy You Tube videos.
LIE: Skydive off of the Seattle Space Needle.


QUESTION: What kind of music do you like?
GENERIC ANSWER: Heavy metal.
HONEST ANSWER: Heavy metal songs about death and ass-beatings.
LIE: Sheryl Crow and The Dixie Chicks.


QUESTION: What do you like to watch on TV?
GENERIC ANSWER: Wrestling.
HONEST ANSWER: Violence. Lots and lots of violence.
LIE: Doctor Who.


QUESTION: What kind of books do you like to read?
GENERIC ANSWER: Anything with a fast pace.
HONEST ANSWER: Anything that leaves me emotionally unstable for the next few days.
LIE: Literary genre books that you’d find in college.


QUESTION: Are you doing anything fun for the weekend?
GENERIC ANSWER: Not really.
HONEST ANSWER: I’m going to a heavy metal concert of a band you probably don’t give a shit about.
LIE: I’m running a marathon.


QUESTION: Do you have a car?
GENERIC ANSWER: No.
HONEST ANSWER: Owning a car is expensive and driving itself is scary and stressful.
LIE: I have an SUV that costs a C-note to fill up half of a tank.


STATEMENT: Have a great day!
GENERIC ANSWER: Ung-koy (“okay”).
HONEST ANSWER: I would have liked it even better if I didn’t have to make small talk all the time.
LIE: It’s going to be a rocket-buster of a day!