Frequently Asked Questions

QUESTION: What do you do for a living?
GENERIC ANSWER: I’m unemployed.
HONEST ANSWER: I write books about blood and gore.
LIE: I work with impoverished children in the Democratic Society of Who Gives a Shit.


QUESTION: Are you excited for school?
GENERIC ANSWER: I’m 30 years old; I’m too old for school.
HONEST ANSWER: Going to school leaves me dead inside.
LIE: I can’t fucking wait.


QUESTION: Where are you from?
GENERIC ANSWER: Here.
HONEST ANSWER: I was born in Oregon City.
LIE: I was born on Planet Jupiter. I come in peace.


QUESTION: Do you have a girlfriend?
GENERIC ANSWER: No.
HONEST ANSWER: Nobody will come up to me.
LIE: I’m currently in a relationship with the entire cast of WWE Total Divas.


QUESTION: What do you do for fun?
GENERIC ANSWER: Read and write.
HONEST ANSWER: Masturbate to sexy You Tube videos.
LIE: Skydive off of the Seattle Space Needle.


QUESTION: What kind of music do you like?
GENERIC ANSWER: Heavy metal.
HONEST ANSWER: Heavy metal songs about death and ass-beatings.
LIE: Sheryl Crow and The Dixie Chicks.


QUESTION: What do you like to watch on TV?
GENERIC ANSWER: Wrestling.
HONEST ANSWER: Violence. Lots and lots of violence.
LIE: Doctor Who.


QUESTION: What kind of books do you like to read?
GENERIC ANSWER: Anything with a fast pace.
HONEST ANSWER: Anything that leaves me emotionally unstable for the next few days.
LIE: Literary genre books that you’d find in college.


QUESTION: Are you doing anything fun for the weekend?
GENERIC ANSWER: Not really.
HONEST ANSWER: I’m going to a heavy metal concert of a band you probably don’t give a shit about.
LIE: I’m running a marathon.


QUESTION: Do you have a car?
GENERIC ANSWER: No.
HONEST ANSWER: Owning a car is expensive and driving itself is scary and stressful.
LIE: I have an SUV that costs a C-note to fill up half of a tank.


STATEMENT: Have a great day!
GENERIC ANSWER: Ung-koy (“okay”).
HONEST ANSWER: I would have liked it even better if I didn’t have to make small talk all the time.
LIE: It’s going to be a rocket-buster of a day!