***BEFORE I BEGIN***
From now on, every piece of writing I do, whether it’s a short story, novel chapter, review, or blog entry, will be posted on ALL of my social media accounts, not just certain ones. A year ago, I made the decision to post my Garrison’s Library entries on Deviant Art. Why isn’t all of my writing on all of my accounts? That’s a lot of untapped potential that’s going to waste. This journal entry would normally be meant for Deviant Art, but why stop there? Enjoy!
***WWE TOUGH ENOUGH***
Every once and a while, my step-dad Dale will call upstairs to my room and tell me that WWE Tough Enough is on TV. Yes, it’s a WWE production and as everyone here knows, I can’t shut up about wrestling. But if there’s one show I try to avoid every time it comes on, it’s Tough Enough. If you’re not familiar with the show, it’s a reality TV competition where a bunch of rookies learn how to wrestle. Here’s why it’s called Tough Enough: because the trainers and judges have a boot camp mentality where screaming and insulting the competitors will eventually motivate them to do the right things in the ring.
It may be that there’s some truth in harsh motivation being good for an athlete or a combatant. But that doesn’t mean I enjoy watching it. In fact, watching the upper echelon scream their heads off at those below makes me feel uncomfortable. It reminds me of other relationships in life where there’s a ridiculous imbalance of power: bank robbers and hostages, rapists and women, drunken step-dads and small children, conformist teachers and imaginative students, etc.
Just one time during a boot camp scenario like this would I like to see some insubordination from the bottom tier. Maybe one of the competitors will get fed up with the trainers’ shit and throw a metal dumbbell at one of them. Maybe Paige (one of the judges) will tell someone to get off the stage and that someone will tell her to remove the A and E from her name. Maybe Daniel Bryan (another judge) will tell someone they have no charisma and that person will pull a pair of clippers out of his gym bag and shave Daniel’s beard off.
I’m sure insubordination has happened before on an episode of Tough Enough, but I wouldn’t know, because it’s a rare occurrence. Either the competitors are too scared of losing their spots or they have too much respect for authority. As long as there’s an overwhelming imbalance of power, it will keep me from watching Tough Enough or any other show with screaming authority figures. That being said, Full Metal Jacket makes me want to vomit.
You’ve gotten this far in my journal and have also read the entirety of Occupy Wrestling, my latest self-published novel. You probably feel like calling me out on a hypocrisy since at the end of Occupy Wrestling, Debra flies to Japan to train in a wrestling dojo where there’s absolutely no shortage of harsh motivation. The only reason I put that in the story is because I needed a believable reason for her to suddenly be good at fighting. I’ll tell you right now that just because it happens in my stories, I in no way endorse nor condone drill sergeant motivation. Maybe that’s because I myself would crack easily under pressure in such a situation because of my schizophrenia and autism. Harsh motivation may work for a lot of people, but that doesn’t mean I have to endorse it.
In short, if you’ve heard me talk about WWE and were wondering if I watch Tough Enough every week, the answer is no. It makes me feel vicariously bad for the competitors, especially since it’s unscripted. I also won’t be watching Summer Slam this year for two reasons. One, I’ve cancelled my subscription to the WWE Network due to it crapping out every time I want to watch a pay-per-view. And two, on that same day, I’m going to see Slipknot, Three Days Grace, Lamb of God, and a bunch of other metal bands perform at the White River Amphitheater. If the WWE wants me to watch their major shows, then I guess I’ll order a PPV through my cable provider and pay $50 for it. Granted, John Layfield will call me an idiot for doing so, but that just magnifies his status as an asshole commentator.
We’ve got ears, say cheers!
***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***
Q: Who is John Layfield’s favorite rapper?
A: Maggle-More.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Wendi Kael
NAME: Wendi Kael
AGE: 10
OCCUPATION: Elementary School Student
CANON: Kill the Power Rangers
When my niece Reina was little and still living with me and my family, she watched a lot of corny cartoons on my TV, among them Spongebob Squarepants. Whenever she did something wrong, I would threaten her by saying, “If you do that one more time, I’m going to kill Spongebob!” She saw right through me. It’s not like I could leap into the TV and strangle the shit out of Spongebob and his friends right in front of Reina. Well, I could leap into the TV, but not only would I have nothing to watch my shows with, but I’d have glass cuts to show for it. Killing Reina’s favorite cartoon characters was a benign threat, but it was one that amused me to where I wanted to write a short story about it.
In the case of 10-year-old Wendi Kael, her favorite TV show was the early 90’s version of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. The flamboyant martial arts, the giant dinosaur robots that could form into one badass (reminds me of Voltron), and of course, there was everybody’s favorite Power Ranger who would one day become a legitimate mixed-martial artist: Tommy Oliver aka The Green Ranger, played by Jason David Frank. Was Wendi old enough to have crushes on older gentlemen such as Mr. Frank? Maybe an innocent schoolgirl one, but nothing more.
In the end, it didn’t matter how emotionally invested Wendi Kael was in her show, because her mother’s boyfriend Chad was determined to screw it all up for her. All that fatherly anger over poor grades in school and Chad knew physical punishment would land him in jail. So what was the next way to break Wendi into becoming a serious student? Kill the Power Rangers, of course. But how was Chad going to do it? He can’t leap into the TV unless he wants to be slashed to pieces by the screen glass. Beating up a stuffed toy of the Green Ranger is even less convincing. In order to make the death of The Power Rangers convincing, Chad had to get disturbingly creative.
Wendi came home from school one day and went back to her room to find The Green Ranger’s rotten corpse lying in her bed gathering flies and bloodying the sheets. Then Wendi went into the garage and found the Yellow and Pink Rangers lynched from the ceiling. Then she went to the backyard and found the Black Ranger lynched from the oak tree (that’s not racist at all). And then she found the Blue Ranger in the tool shed bent over a saw horse with a rake handle shoved up his ass (that’s not homophobic at all). Okay, so these weren’t the real Power Rangers; they were just already dead bodies dressed in their uniforms, which begs the disgusting question of where Chad got the dead bodies.
I tried to pass this story off as black comedy and it would have succeeded in getting those due chuckles. But then the story had to be terminated due to its Deus Ex Machina ending. Chad gets into a standoff with the police and the Red Ranger’s sword miraculously flies through the overbearing step-dad’s throat. Did I also mention that next week the world will end? But don’t worry, because we’ll be saved at the zero hour by a mutant fish koala bird. Clerks came out in 1994 and the original Power Rangers show came out a little earlier, so I didn’t set my time machine too far back.
The black comedy of killing a child’s favorite TV characters could still work in some capacity and Wendi Kael would definitely be the one who took the burden of such heavy jokes. If anybody needs discipline in her life, it’s an obnoxious 10-year-old who doesn’t give a shit about school and watches more TV shows than she reads books. This is the kind of traumatizing tough love she needs to get back on track. But it has to be more convincing and more legal than what Chad did. Otherwise, the joke will fall on deaf ears.
I think I’ve found the perfect solution to “kill” Wendi Kael’s fictional characters: with drawings. So she has a crush on The Green Ranger? Fine. Let’s tie him down to a torture table and have Rita Repulsa put a spring-loaded clamp on the base of his penis. Okay, that might have been influenced by Tales From the Hood, another movie from the 90’s time machine. So let’s be original with our Rangers. Let’s have the Blue Ranger get sodomized by Zed and Maynard from Pulp Fiction, another movie from the 90’s. Let’s have The Black Ranger’s mouth get taken away by Agent Smith from The Matrix, here we go again with the fucking 90’s movies. Anachronisms aside, the point of these drawings is to put the Rangers in violent or sexual situations that would disgust a normal human being. I’ve drawn many pictures like that of Bugs Bunny and Inspector Gadget and showed them to my best friend Susan. She was horrified.
Okay, so we’ve sent poor Wendi Kael to therapy at least once during this rehabilitation process. Now what? Does she spiral into madness or does she become a respectable citizen in the making? A small part of me is leaning towards spiraling into madness. Children as young as 10 don’t have the mental toughness to question the bullshit they’re being fed. They’ll believe anything adults tell them whether it’s detrimental or beneficial. That’s why a lot of teachers get away with insulting their students into becoming soul-dead conformists: when the kids are that young, they’re vulnerable. Come to think of it, this might sound more like psychological horror than black comedy. The only way it could ever be black comedy is if Wendi Kael was on an episode of either Robot Chicken or Family Guy.
***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
BARTENDER: How far are you willing to take this?
MARCELLUS WALLACE: I’m ready to scour the earth for that motherfucker. If he’s hiding out in Indo-China, I want a nigga hiding in a bowl of rice ready to pop a cap in his ass.
-Pulp Fiction, a movie from the 90’s time machine-
AGE: 10
OCCUPATION: Elementary School Student
CANON: Kill the Power Rangers
When my niece Reina was little and still living with me and my family, she watched a lot of corny cartoons on my TV, among them Spongebob Squarepants. Whenever she did something wrong, I would threaten her by saying, “If you do that one more time, I’m going to kill Spongebob!” She saw right through me. It’s not like I could leap into the TV and strangle the shit out of Spongebob and his friends right in front of Reina. Well, I could leap into the TV, but not only would I have nothing to watch my shows with, but I’d have glass cuts to show for it. Killing Reina’s favorite cartoon characters was a benign threat, but it was one that amused me to where I wanted to write a short story about it.
In the case of 10-year-old Wendi Kael, her favorite TV show was the early 90’s version of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. The flamboyant martial arts, the giant dinosaur robots that could form into one badass (reminds me of Voltron), and of course, there was everybody’s favorite Power Ranger who would one day become a legitimate mixed-martial artist: Tommy Oliver aka The Green Ranger, played by Jason David Frank. Was Wendi old enough to have crushes on older gentlemen such as Mr. Frank? Maybe an innocent schoolgirl one, but nothing more.
In the end, it didn’t matter how emotionally invested Wendi Kael was in her show, because her mother’s boyfriend Chad was determined to screw it all up for her. All that fatherly anger over poor grades in school and Chad knew physical punishment would land him in jail. So what was the next way to break Wendi into becoming a serious student? Kill the Power Rangers, of course. But how was Chad going to do it? He can’t leap into the TV unless he wants to be slashed to pieces by the screen glass. Beating up a stuffed toy of the Green Ranger is even less convincing. In order to make the death of The Power Rangers convincing, Chad had to get disturbingly creative.
Wendi came home from school one day and went back to her room to find The Green Ranger’s rotten corpse lying in her bed gathering flies and bloodying the sheets. Then Wendi went into the garage and found the Yellow and Pink Rangers lynched from the ceiling. Then she went to the backyard and found the Black Ranger lynched from the oak tree (that’s not racist at all). And then she found the Blue Ranger in the tool shed bent over a saw horse with a rake handle shoved up his ass (that’s not homophobic at all). Okay, so these weren’t the real Power Rangers; they were just already dead bodies dressed in their uniforms, which begs the disgusting question of where Chad got the dead bodies.
I tried to pass this story off as black comedy and it would have succeeded in getting those due chuckles. But then the story had to be terminated due to its Deus Ex Machina ending. Chad gets into a standoff with the police and the Red Ranger’s sword miraculously flies through the overbearing step-dad’s throat. Did I also mention that next week the world will end? But don’t worry, because we’ll be saved at the zero hour by a mutant fish koala bird. Clerks came out in 1994 and the original Power Rangers show came out a little earlier, so I didn’t set my time machine too far back.
The black comedy of killing a child’s favorite TV characters could still work in some capacity and Wendi Kael would definitely be the one who took the burden of such heavy jokes. If anybody needs discipline in her life, it’s an obnoxious 10-year-old who doesn’t give a shit about school and watches more TV shows than she reads books. This is the kind of traumatizing tough love she needs to get back on track. But it has to be more convincing and more legal than what Chad did. Otherwise, the joke will fall on deaf ears.
I think I’ve found the perfect solution to “kill” Wendi Kael’s fictional characters: with drawings. So she has a crush on The Green Ranger? Fine. Let’s tie him down to a torture table and have Rita Repulsa put a spring-loaded clamp on the base of his penis. Okay, that might have been influenced by Tales From the Hood, another movie from the 90’s time machine. So let’s be original with our Rangers. Let’s have the Blue Ranger get sodomized by Zed and Maynard from Pulp Fiction, another movie from the 90’s. Let’s have The Black Ranger’s mouth get taken away by Agent Smith from The Matrix, here we go again with the fucking 90’s movies. Anachronisms aside, the point of these drawings is to put the Rangers in violent or sexual situations that would disgust a normal human being. I’ve drawn many pictures like that of Bugs Bunny and Inspector Gadget and showed them to my best friend Susan. She was horrified.
Okay, so we’ve sent poor Wendi Kael to therapy at least once during this rehabilitation process. Now what? Does she spiral into madness or does she become a respectable citizen in the making? A small part of me is leaning towards spiraling into madness. Children as young as 10 don’t have the mental toughness to question the bullshit they’re being fed. They’ll believe anything adults tell them whether it’s detrimental or beneficial. That’s why a lot of teachers get away with insulting their students into becoming soul-dead conformists: when the kids are that young, they’re vulnerable. Come to think of it, this might sound more like psychological horror than black comedy. The only way it could ever be black comedy is if Wendi Kael was on an episode of either Robot Chicken or Family Guy.
***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
BARTENDER: How far are you willing to take this?
MARCELLUS WALLACE: I’m ready to scour the earth for that motherfucker. If he’s hiding out in Indo-China, I want a nigga hiding in a bowl of rice ready to pop a cap in his ass.
-Pulp Fiction, a movie from the 90’s time machine-
Home Alone
MOVIE TITLE: Home Alone
DIRECTOR: John Hughes
YEAR: 1990
GENRE: Christmas Comedy
RATING: PG for slapstick violence and mild language
GRADE: Pass
After being humiliated during a big family pizza dinner, all eight-year-old Kevin McAllister wants is to live by himself with nobody to take orders from. He’s scheduled to go on a trip to Paris with said family, but in the scuffle of trying not to miss their flight, they left little Kevin behind. He’s living large with his huge bowls of ice cream and R-rated movies, but when two burglars named Harry and Marv begin casing his neighborhood for houses to target, the McAllister house is on that list. While Kevin’s family is trying to book a flight back home, he sets up booby traps for the invading burglars.
Anybody who remembers watching this movie as a kid like I did knows the best part about it isn’t the love between family members or the magic of Christmas. It’s the creative traps Kevin sets for his burglar buddies. The screams of agony by both Marv and Harry are hilarious to listen to despite the horrific pain they go through. The traps include a blowtorch to Harry’s head, a nail through Marv’s bare foot, paint cans to both of their heads, and swinging on a zip line into the side of Kevin’s house. Oh yeah, and don’t forget the pet tarantula being placed on Marv’s face; that’ll give you non-PG nightmares.
The ingenuity of the individual traps is enough to satisfy the imagination and tickle the funny bone of any child watching this family classic. But what if you’re watching this movie as an adult? Does family love become that much more important to you? Do you cheer for Kevin’s family to come home on time to take care of their little guy? Do you have a special place in your heart for the bonding between Kevin and old man Marley?
Marley was rumored to have murdered his family and packed their bodies in the snow to create mummies. In reality, he was the sweetest guy anybody could ever know. He’s legitimately afraid of trying to get back together with his estranged son and granddaughter after a bad falling out. It’s Kevin who coaxes Marley into reconciling with the ones he loves and misses. Remember that episode of Seinfeld when George cries after watching Home Alone? “The old man got to me!” That will be any adult watching this movie if they have a sensitive heart.
And of course, whether you’re a kid or an adult, the one piece of stealth Kevin uses on intruders of all sorts is one you’ll definitely appreciate. He watches an R-rated movie and leaves it playing in the background so that the intruders will think there’s an adult home supervising Kevin. The Little Nero’s (which is an obvious parody of Little Caesar’s) pizza guy gets a surprise when he leaves the pizza at the doorstep and thinks he’s being shot at with a machinegun. Marv also gets surprised when he thinks two burglars are in the house ahead of him and Harry arguing over who gets the final score. In today’s world, we have technology where we can edit clips together to have those effects. But this was 1990, where technology wasn’t even close to where it is today. Kevin had to rely on his creativity and his brains to get the job done.
When Christmastime finally rolls around and you want some comedic nostalgia, look no further than the first Home Alone. You can laugh, love, and have your creativity ignited at the same time. Maybe if you’re a DM for Dungeons & Dragons, you can treat your fellow players to these kinds of traps. Although to be fair to reality, if anybody got their head burned with a blowtorch, they’d need immediate medical attention and to be locked in a burn ward. Kids, don’t try any of those traps at home; you will die!
DIRECTOR: John Hughes
YEAR: 1990
GENRE: Christmas Comedy
RATING: PG for slapstick violence and mild language
GRADE: Pass
After being humiliated during a big family pizza dinner, all eight-year-old Kevin McAllister wants is to live by himself with nobody to take orders from. He’s scheduled to go on a trip to Paris with said family, but in the scuffle of trying not to miss their flight, they left little Kevin behind. He’s living large with his huge bowls of ice cream and R-rated movies, but when two burglars named Harry and Marv begin casing his neighborhood for houses to target, the McAllister house is on that list. While Kevin’s family is trying to book a flight back home, he sets up booby traps for the invading burglars.
Anybody who remembers watching this movie as a kid like I did knows the best part about it isn’t the love between family members or the magic of Christmas. It’s the creative traps Kevin sets for his burglar buddies. The screams of agony by both Marv and Harry are hilarious to listen to despite the horrific pain they go through. The traps include a blowtorch to Harry’s head, a nail through Marv’s bare foot, paint cans to both of their heads, and swinging on a zip line into the side of Kevin’s house. Oh yeah, and don’t forget the pet tarantula being placed on Marv’s face; that’ll give you non-PG nightmares.
The ingenuity of the individual traps is enough to satisfy the imagination and tickle the funny bone of any child watching this family classic. But what if you’re watching this movie as an adult? Does family love become that much more important to you? Do you cheer for Kevin’s family to come home on time to take care of their little guy? Do you have a special place in your heart for the bonding between Kevin and old man Marley?
Marley was rumored to have murdered his family and packed their bodies in the snow to create mummies. In reality, he was the sweetest guy anybody could ever know. He’s legitimately afraid of trying to get back together with his estranged son and granddaughter after a bad falling out. It’s Kevin who coaxes Marley into reconciling with the ones he loves and misses. Remember that episode of Seinfeld when George cries after watching Home Alone? “The old man got to me!” That will be any adult watching this movie if they have a sensitive heart.
And of course, whether you’re a kid or an adult, the one piece of stealth Kevin uses on intruders of all sorts is one you’ll definitely appreciate. He watches an R-rated movie and leaves it playing in the background so that the intruders will think there’s an adult home supervising Kevin. The Little Nero’s (which is an obvious parody of Little Caesar’s) pizza guy gets a surprise when he leaves the pizza at the doorstep and thinks he’s being shot at with a machinegun. Marv also gets surprised when he thinks two burglars are in the house ahead of him and Harry arguing over who gets the final score. In today’s world, we have technology where we can edit clips together to have those effects. But this was 1990, where technology wasn’t even close to where it is today. Kevin had to rely on his creativity and his brains to get the job done.
When Christmastime finally rolls around and you want some comedic nostalgia, look no further than the first Home Alone. You can laugh, love, and have your creativity ignited at the same time. Maybe if you’re a DM for Dungeons & Dragons, you can treat your fellow players to these kinds of traps. Although to be fair to reality, if anybody got their head burned with a blowtorch, they’d need immediate medical attention and to be locked in a burn ward. Kids, don’t try any of those traps at home; you will die!
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Misty Blades
NAME: Misty Blades
AGE: 31
OCCUPATION: Fox Ninja
CANON: Final Fantasy Hardcore 2
Misty Blades came from the same batch of animal warrior villains as Jacob Slash. In this case, she was formerly known as Atir Mystblade and she was scheduled to be a kitsune ninja. I have no idea where I got the idea to create a bunch of animal warriors, but the influence for Misty Blades could easily be traced to Magic: the Gathering. This was around 2005 and 2006, so this would have been the time where Hasbro was releasing Japanese-themed cards such as samurais, ninjas, dragons, demons, and of course, anthropomorphic animals. The Kitsune Blademaster, a fox samurai with first strike and bushido 1, was one of my favorite cards to use in white decks and could have very well been the inspiration for Misty Blades even though Misty is a ninja and not a samurai.
Seeing as how Final Fantasy Hardcore 2 went defunct before I had the chance to use my animal warrior bosses, Misty didn’t get much of a chance to shine. She has no background information, no storyline involvement, and no real reason for being created in the first place. All I wanted was a fox ninja who could slash shit up and get the fuck out of dodge before anybody caught her. Foxes are cool. Ninjas are cool. Fox ninjas are really goddamn cool! She had a lot of buzz generated, but I didn’t know what to do with her. She was comparable to CM Punk, who was signed to WWE right around the time Misty Blades was conceived (2005-2006). Punk earned a lot of fame around the world, but was creatively stifled in WWE because nobody knew what to do with him.
I’m not going to let Misty Blades leave my creative world the same way CM Punk left WWE after being battered, bruised, and sore for many years. Don’t get me wrong; Misty is going to take a beating one way or another, but not for the wrong reasons. Misty is going to count for something. In the case of her next story (which would in reality be her first one), she will play the role of a villain. Yes, foxes are cute and don’t normally act like villains, but then again, some ninjas do act like villains. And if I completely have to strip Misty of her cute factor, I could always give her razor-sharp teeth, drooling rabies, and neon green eyes. Seriously, what’s it going to take for my audience to see how dangerous and how bitchy this fox woman is? Her last name is Blades, for Christ’s sake.
So what kind of villainy role could we give to Misty and flesh out her resume a little bit? She could be a heartless mercenary. She could assassinate someone for political reasons. Hell, let’s combine those two things and make her into one badass bitch! It worked perfectly for Mileena from Mortal Kombat 2. Yes, Mileena looks nice on the outside, but when she takes off her mask and reveals her sword-like teeth and witch-like nose, you’d better run for the fucking hills, my friend! Maybe that’s what it takes for Misty Blades to be a convincing villain. She could easily be a fox version of Mileena! Oh, my inner geek is going nuts right now! If I’m not careful, I could have a nerd-gasm all over my keyboard! Actually, having any kind of orgasm for Mileena is virtually impossible (unless you leave her mask on, of course).
What about the weapons Misty will carry? We know she’s going to use a sword since most ninjas do. But what if the edges on that sword were jagged and bloody? What if she was using nunchucks made of thigh bones? Or a ribcage shield? Or a flail that’s really just someone’s spinal column and skull? How about a shuriken made entirely out of monster teeth? If your inner geek is ready for a mental institution just like mine is, get ready for this: a spear with deer antlers at the end instead of a steel tip! Or a whip that’s really a live snake! With all of these possibilities for her character and her weapon choices, it makes me wonder why she was unemployed in the first place! Hehe!
The last thing I’ll harangue you guys with his Misty’s dialogue. When I write dialogue for my characters, I try to make it as realistic as possible. If I wanted to add some witty dialogue for a character with a sharp tongue, I could very well do that. But would that work for a monstrous fox like Misty? I’m leaning towards grunts and gurgles, myself. Or she can have no dialogue at all. Or she could swear up a storm. It would have to be something crude enough to make her a monster and mysterious enough to make her a ninja. Maybe a steel tongue isn’t the best option for her. Oh well, there are other characters I can give snappy dialogue to. No sweat!
When I was looking for post-college employment from 2010 to 2013, the only experience I had was educational. Since I’ve never had paid employment before, I had to enhance my resume to make my education look like a blessing straight from the heavens. I wasn’t successful in finding a job. However, I did a little resume enhancement with Misty Blades despite her not being experienced. The difference is, Misty is going to make her mark sooner rather than later. And that mark is probably going to be a trail of blood, bones, and vomit leading all the way to the tip of her jagged sword. Yikes!
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“We were born and bred to rip and shred!”
-Konnor, one half of The Ascension-
AGE: 31
OCCUPATION: Fox Ninja
CANON: Final Fantasy Hardcore 2
Misty Blades came from the same batch of animal warrior villains as Jacob Slash. In this case, she was formerly known as Atir Mystblade and she was scheduled to be a kitsune ninja. I have no idea where I got the idea to create a bunch of animal warriors, but the influence for Misty Blades could easily be traced to Magic: the Gathering. This was around 2005 and 2006, so this would have been the time where Hasbro was releasing Japanese-themed cards such as samurais, ninjas, dragons, demons, and of course, anthropomorphic animals. The Kitsune Blademaster, a fox samurai with first strike and bushido 1, was one of my favorite cards to use in white decks and could have very well been the inspiration for Misty Blades even though Misty is a ninja and not a samurai.
Seeing as how Final Fantasy Hardcore 2 went defunct before I had the chance to use my animal warrior bosses, Misty didn’t get much of a chance to shine. She has no background information, no storyline involvement, and no real reason for being created in the first place. All I wanted was a fox ninja who could slash shit up and get the fuck out of dodge before anybody caught her. Foxes are cool. Ninjas are cool. Fox ninjas are really goddamn cool! She had a lot of buzz generated, but I didn’t know what to do with her. She was comparable to CM Punk, who was signed to WWE right around the time Misty Blades was conceived (2005-2006). Punk earned a lot of fame around the world, but was creatively stifled in WWE because nobody knew what to do with him.
I’m not going to let Misty Blades leave my creative world the same way CM Punk left WWE after being battered, bruised, and sore for many years. Don’t get me wrong; Misty is going to take a beating one way or another, but not for the wrong reasons. Misty is going to count for something. In the case of her next story (which would in reality be her first one), she will play the role of a villain. Yes, foxes are cute and don’t normally act like villains, but then again, some ninjas do act like villains. And if I completely have to strip Misty of her cute factor, I could always give her razor-sharp teeth, drooling rabies, and neon green eyes. Seriously, what’s it going to take for my audience to see how dangerous and how bitchy this fox woman is? Her last name is Blades, for Christ’s sake.
So what kind of villainy role could we give to Misty and flesh out her resume a little bit? She could be a heartless mercenary. She could assassinate someone for political reasons. Hell, let’s combine those two things and make her into one badass bitch! It worked perfectly for Mileena from Mortal Kombat 2. Yes, Mileena looks nice on the outside, but when she takes off her mask and reveals her sword-like teeth and witch-like nose, you’d better run for the fucking hills, my friend! Maybe that’s what it takes for Misty Blades to be a convincing villain. She could easily be a fox version of Mileena! Oh, my inner geek is going nuts right now! If I’m not careful, I could have a nerd-gasm all over my keyboard! Actually, having any kind of orgasm for Mileena is virtually impossible (unless you leave her mask on, of course).
What about the weapons Misty will carry? We know she’s going to use a sword since most ninjas do. But what if the edges on that sword were jagged and bloody? What if she was using nunchucks made of thigh bones? Or a ribcage shield? Or a flail that’s really just someone’s spinal column and skull? How about a shuriken made entirely out of monster teeth? If your inner geek is ready for a mental institution just like mine is, get ready for this: a spear with deer antlers at the end instead of a steel tip! Or a whip that’s really a live snake! With all of these possibilities for her character and her weapon choices, it makes me wonder why she was unemployed in the first place! Hehe!
The last thing I’ll harangue you guys with his Misty’s dialogue. When I write dialogue for my characters, I try to make it as realistic as possible. If I wanted to add some witty dialogue for a character with a sharp tongue, I could very well do that. But would that work for a monstrous fox like Misty? I’m leaning towards grunts and gurgles, myself. Or she can have no dialogue at all. Or she could swear up a storm. It would have to be something crude enough to make her a monster and mysterious enough to make her a ninja. Maybe a steel tongue isn’t the best option for her. Oh well, there are other characters I can give snappy dialogue to. No sweat!
When I was looking for post-college employment from 2010 to 2013, the only experience I had was educational. Since I’ve never had paid employment before, I had to enhance my resume to make my education look like a blessing straight from the heavens. I wasn’t successful in finding a job. However, I did a little resume enhancement with Misty Blades despite her not being experienced. The difference is, Misty is going to make her mark sooner rather than later. And that mark is probably going to be a trail of blood, bones, and vomit leading all the way to the tip of her jagged sword. Yikes!
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“We were born and bred to rip and shred!”
-Konnor, one half of The Ascension-
WWE Wrestlemania 31: Sting vs. Triple H
MATCH: Sting vs. Triple H in a No Disqualification match
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Wrestlemania 31
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
In the 1990’s, the ratings war between WWE and WCW was one that would determine which company would remain in business. Both companies had high-rising superstars. Both companies had millions of dollars. Both companies pushed the envelope with their edgy television shows. In the beginning of this competitive war, WCW introduced the world to The New World Order, a faction of rebels consisting of mega-stars like Scott Hall (formerly Razor Ramon), Kevin Nash (formerly Diesel), Hulk Hogan, and many other wrestlers with a legendary legacy.
But in the end, it was the youth and freshness of Mick Foley, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, and Degeneration X that slew the beast known as WCW. The star power-fueled company known as WCW closed its doors permanently in 2001 with many of their wrestlers serving as jobbers for the WWE during the “invasion” storyline.
Fast forward to Survivor Series in 2014, which was 13 years after the WCW legacy was buried forever. The Authority (Triple H and Stephanie McMahon) were throwing their weight around and making life for young up-and-comers miserable. Daniel Bryan had been put on the injured reserve list, Dolph Ziggler had many handicapped matches to deal with, John Cena was losing his opportunities at star power, and oh yeah, the Big Show cried like a baby.
Who decides to show up at Survivor Series of that year? Sting, the face-painted, trench coat-wearing, baseball bat-wielding vigilante who said more with just one stare than most wrestlers could in a ten minute interview. He continued to cost The Authority matches and play mind games with Triple H. Sting was at one point WCW’s lone soldier against the powers of the New World Order. Over a decade later, he wants revenge against Triple H for putting that company out of business and leaving Sting in an indefinite stasis (actually, he wrestled for TNA, which is basically WCW for the 2000’s, but who’s keeping track?).
Several months after Sting’s WWE debut, a match between him and Triple H is made for 2015’s biggest pay-per-view event, Wrestlemania 31. It was billed as a clash between icons of their respective companies, Sting representing WCW and Triple H representing WWE. These two wrestlers were past the prime of their careers, yet they were determined to wrestle with the spirit of youth. For Sting, this wasn’t just about WCW closing its doors in 2001; this was about knocking a tyrant like Triple H off of his throne.
Fast forward to the actual match between these two. Wrestlemania events are known for super-creative entrances to the ring. This match was no different when Sting came to the ring with face-painted Japanese warriors were playing Taiko drums to introduce him. Triple H chose something slightly more epic for his entrance. He dressed like The Terminator and carried metal skulls to the ring with him. Sting promised the samurai warrior spirit and Triple H promised futuristic destruction that spared nobody. Which one would prevail?
Sting and Triple H had a lot of miles on their bodies, but with those miles comes wisdom and experience. The opening parts of the match were wrestled with basic maneuvers such as clotheslines, hip tosses, knee drops, back body drops, suplexes, and the occasional corner splash. Yes, these are old school moves, but Triple H and Sting did them with such perfection that they were actually entertaining to watch. Even more entertaining was when Sting had Triple H dead to rights in the Scorpion Death Lock.
And then we hear the Chris Warren band screaming, “Break it down!”, which could mean only one thing: the arrival of Degeneration X members Road Dog, Billy Gunn, and X-Pac, all three of which were instrumental in bringing WCW to its knees. If they wanted to get involved in the match, they could since it was announced as No Disqualification. The numbers game was sure to catch Sting off guard.
And then we hear Frank Shelley’s guitar twanging and twisting, which meant the arrival of New World Order members Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall, and Kevin Nash, all three of which had achieved WWE Hall of Fame inductions. Outside of the ring, the New World Order and Degeneration X members beat the hell out of each other. They threw each other against barricades, ring posts, the punched and kicked like there was no tomorrow, and there was even a time when Road Dog back body dropped Scott Hall on the concrete floor…and Scott Hall, as elderly as he was, got back up!
And then the hardware started to come out, Sting with his baseball bat and Triple H with his sledgehammer. While the NWO and DX were fighting outside the ring, the two actual match competitors fought like medieval warriors with their hardcore weapons. Triple H was determined to be the badass barbarian he always was with his hammer, but with one strike from Sting’s bat, the hammer broke in two and Triple H was cornered.
And then, the final member of DX, Shawn Michaels, another Hall of Famer, came out of nowhere and super-kicked Sting into unconsciousness. It was another blow from Triple H’s now broken hammer that finally did in the vigilante known as Sting. A count to three later and Triple H was declared the winner of this war between WWE and WCW. After all was said and done, the members of the New World Order, Degeneration X, Triple H, and Sting all got together and showed each other respect with hand shakes and hugs.
Normally when old wrestlers get in the ring, they’re huffing and puffing as they struggle with their equilibrium, which is why a lot of WCW were boring to watch. But when the remnants of DX and the NWO got in their time machines and threw themselves into the Wrestlemania 31 vortex, it had the crowd chanting, “This is awesome!” over and over again. I would have chanted the same thing if I was in San Francisco that day. Hell, that whole audience was having nerd-gasms all night long after this match. There wasn’t one bad match on that whole pay-per-view. In fact, Wrestlemania 31 might get the nod for Best Major Show of 2015 from the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and it would be a well deserved honor.
Nerd-gasms and childhood memories aside, the conclusion of this match does beg the question of what Sting’s role within WWE will be now that he failed to dethrone Triple H. Is his momentum completely destroyed? Will he strictly have a backstage role? Will he show up at another major show and shift the balance of power again? I wouldn’t mind seeing Sting again someday. He has many decades of wear and tear on his body, yet he wrestles like a 21-year-old. In other words, the man forgot to age. Give him another chance, damn it!
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Wrestlemania 31
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
In the 1990’s, the ratings war between WWE and WCW was one that would determine which company would remain in business. Both companies had high-rising superstars. Both companies had millions of dollars. Both companies pushed the envelope with their edgy television shows. In the beginning of this competitive war, WCW introduced the world to The New World Order, a faction of rebels consisting of mega-stars like Scott Hall (formerly Razor Ramon), Kevin Nash (formerly Diesel), Hulk Hogan, and many other wrestlers with a legendary legacy.
But in the end, it was the youth and freshness of Mick Foley, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, and Degeneration X that slew the beast known as WCW. The star power-fueled company known as WCW closed its doors permanently in 2001 with many of their wrestlers serving as jobbers for the WWE during the “invasion” storyline.
Fast forward to Survivor Series in 2014, which was 13 years after the WCW legacy was buried forever. The Authority (Triple H and Stephanie McMahon) were throwing their weight around and making life for young up-and-comers miserable. Daniel Bryan had been put on the injured reserve list, Dolph Ziggler had many handicapped matches to deal with, John Cena was losing his opportunities at star power, and oh yeah, the Big Show cried like a baby.
Who decides to show up at Survivor Series of that year? Sting, the face-painted, trench coat-wearing, baseball bat-wielding vigilante who said more with just one stare than most wrestlers could in a ten minute interview. He continued to cost The Authority matches and play mind games with Triple H. Sting was at one point WCW’s lone soldier against the powers of the New World Order. Over a decade later, he wants revenge against Triple H for putting that company out of business and leaving Sting in an indefinite stasis (actually, he wrestled for TNA, which is basically WCW for the 2000’s, but who’s keeping track?).
Several months after Sting’s WWE debut, a match between him and Triple H is made for 2015’s biggest pay-per-view event, Wrestlemania 31. It was billed as a clash between icons of their respective companies, Sting representing WCW and Triple H representing WWE. These two wrestlers were past the prime of their careers, yet they were determined to wrestle with the spirit of youth. For Sting, this wasn’t just about WCW closing its doors in 2001; this was about knocking a tyrant like Triple H off of his throne.
Fast forward to the actual match between these two. Wrestlemania events are known for super-creative entrances to the ring. This match was no different when Sting came to the ring with face-painted Japanese warriors were playing Taiko drums to introduce him. Triple H chose something slightly more epic for his entrance. He dressed like The Terminator and carried metal skulls to the ring with him. Sting promised the samurai warrior spirit and Triple H promised futuristic destruction that spared nobody. Which one would prevail?
Sting and Triple H had a lot of miles on their bodies, but with those miles comes wisdom and experience. The opening parts of the match were wrestled with basic maneuvers such as clotheslines, hip tosses, knee drops, back body drops, suplexes, and the occasional corner splash. Yes, these are old school moves, but Triple H and Sting did them with such perfection that they were actually entertaining to watch. Even more entertaining was when Sting had Triple H dead to rights in the Scorpion Death Lock.
And then we hear the Chris Warren band screaming, “Break it down!”, which could mean only one thing: the arrival of Degeneration X members Road Dog, Billy Gunn, and X-Pac, all three of which were instrumental in bringing WCW to its knees. If they wanted to get involved in the match, they could since it was announced as No Disqualification. The numbers game was sure to catch Sting off guard.
And then we hear Frank Shelley’s guitar twanging and twisting, which meant the arrival of New World Order members Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall, and Kevin Nash, all three of which had achieved WWE Hall of Fame inductions. Outside of the ring, the New World Order and Degeneration X members beat the hell out of each other. They threw each other against barricades, ring posts, the punched and kicked like there was no tomorrow, and there was even a time when Road Dog back body dropped Scott Hall on the concrete floor…and Scott Hall, as elderly as he was, got back up!
And then the hardware started to come out, Sting with his baseball bat and Triple H with his sledgehammer. While the NWO and DX were fighting outside the ring, the two actual match competitors fought like medieval warriors with their hardcore weapons. Triple H was determined to be the badass barbarian he always was with his hammer, but with one strike from Sting’s bat, the hammer broke in two and Triple H was cornered.
And then, the final member of DX, Shawn Michaels, another Hall of Famer, came out of nowhere and super-kicked Sting into unconsciousness. It was another blow from Triple H’s now broken hammer that finally did in the vigilante known as Sting. A count to three later and Triple H was declared the winner of this war between WWE and WCW. After all was said and done, the members of the New World Order, Degeneration X, Triple H, and Sting all got together and showed each other respect with hand shakes and hugs.
Normally when old wrestlers get in the ring, they’re huffing and puffing as they struggle with their equilibrium, which is why a lot of WCW were boring to watch. But when the remnants of DX and the NWO got in their time machines and threw themselves into the Wrestlemania 31 vortex, it had the crowd chanting, “This is awesome!” over and over again. I would have chanted the same thing if I was in San Francisco that day. Hell, that whole audience was having nerd-gasms all night long after this match. There wasn’t one bad match on that whole pay-per-view. In fact, Wrestlemania 31 might get the nod for Best Major Show of 2015 from the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and it would be a well deserved honor.
Nerd-gasms and childhood memories aside, the conclusion of this match does beg the question of what Sting’s role within WWE will be now that he failed to dethrone Triple H. Is his momentum completely destroyed? Will he strictly have a backstage role? Will he show up at another major show and shift the balance of power again? I wouldn’t mind seeing Sting again someday. He has many decades of wear and tear on his body, yet he wrestles like a 21-year-old. In other words, the man forgot to age. Give him another chance, damn it!
Sunday, July 12, 2015
The Shield
TV SHOW TITLE: The Shield
CREATOR: Shawn Ryan
YEARS ACTIVE: 2002-2008
GENRE: Crime Drama
RATING: TV-MA for violence, language, and sexual situations
GRADE: Pass
The city of Los Angeles is plagued with crime whether it’s gang-related, corporate, or the work of a sadistic serial killer. With Detective Vic Mackey and his Strike Team on the case, the justice may be worse than the crime itself. Vic is not afraid to break the rules when it comes to catching criminals. He’s not above torturing suspects or even killing and intimidating other cops if it means closing a case or saving his own ass. Even under the hawk-like eyes of Captain David Aceveda and the scrutiny of his peers such as Detective Dutch Wagenbach and Officer Danielle Sofer, Vic Mackey manages to stay one step ahead of everyone else and leaves a trail of blood and broken bones in his wake.
Unlike crime dramas such as Castle, NCIS, Bones, and Rizzoli and Isles, The Shield takes the viewers to a much darker place where the humor is raunchy and the violence is graphic. As I’ve mentioned in the opening paragraph, Vic often tortures his suspects to get a confession or information to a bigger arrest. Over the course of the show, he has whipped a suspect with a chain, burned a suspect’s face on a stovetop, stabbed a cop killer with his badge, and in the first episode shot another cop named Terry Crowley because Terry was a rat within the Strike Team. Vic Mackey and his team are like police brutality on steroids. The more people complained against him and his tactics, the more bruises and scars those people got. It’s an endless stream of graphic beatings and torture until the city is safe again, at least from the original gangsters, but not Mackey.
As vicious as Vic can be, the things he did on the show will never compare to what happened to David Aceveda in the third season of the show. David is investigating the home of a Mexican gangster named Juan Lazano. Juan jumps David from behind, binds his hands with a TV cord, and orally rapes him while Juan’s buddy is filming the whole thing with a smart phone. The sodomy was disturbing enough, but it was the ongoing trauma, family dissention, and blackmail David experienced afterwards that made The Shield hard to watch. When it comes to TV-MA-rated shows, I’m not a wimp by any stretch of the imagination, but even David Aceveda’s oral rape storyline was enough to shake me to my core.
If you strip away all of the torture, forced sex, limb chopping, burnings, and blood, you still have a well-written detective show. Yes, all of that hardcore and disgusting content is good for the Nightmare Fetishists out there, but The Shield isn’t just about violence and brutality; it has substance. It asks the bold question of whether or not the ends justify the means and how far we’re willing to trust the government to protect us when they commit questionable acts. Police brutality is an ongoing problem even in today’s world; just ask the families of Michael Brown and Eric Garner. The Shield does what all forms of media should do: it holds a mirror up to society and shows everyone its ugliest features. The show doesn’t glorify police brutality; it questions it. And by the end of the series, everybody on that show gets what they deserve whether it’s for better or worse.
But sometimes all you want from a detective show is a solid series of cases where the police work is intelligent and the laws and techniques are well-researched. You’ll get all of those things with The Shield. Shawn Ryan wasn’t just putting together a montage of beatings; he was putting together solid cases that real police officers and detectives would have to solve using their sharp investigative skills. Even Vic Mackey and his Strike Team are capable of using smart investigative tactics; otherwise, they wouldn’t be detectives.
All in all, The Shield is the complete package that a detective show is supposed to have. The only things that separate it from other shows is its dark nature, it’s bold statements, and its TV-MA rating. The show was revolutionary in more ways than TV being allowed to use the word “shit”, which is why it deserves a passing grade.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
VIC MACKEY: Do you want to catch this criminal or not?
DAVID ACEVEDA: Going undercover as dirty cops. You guys think you can pull that off?
VIC MACKEY: We can try.
-The Shield-
CREATOR: Shawn Ryan
YEARS ACTIVE: 2002-2008
GENRE: Crime Drama
RATING: TV-MA for violence, language, and sexual situations
GRADE: Pass
The city of Los Angeles is plagued with crime whether it’s gang-related, corporate, or the work of a sadistic serial killer. With Detective Vic Mackey and his Strike Team on the case, the justice may be worse than the crime itself. Vic is not afraid to break the rules when it comes to catching criminals. He’s not above torturing suspects or even killing and intimidating other cops if it means closing a case or saving his own ass. Even under the hawk-like eyes of Captain David Aceveda and the scrutiny of his peers such as Detective Dutch Wagenbach and Officer Danielle Sofer, Vic Mackey manages to stay one step ahead of everyone else and leaves a trail of blood and broken bones in his wake.
Unlike crime dramas such as Castle, NCIS, Bones, and Rizzoli and Isles, The Shield takes the viewers to a much darker place where the humor is raunchy and the violence is graphic. As I’ve mentioned in the opening paragraph, Vic often tortures his suspects to get a confession or information to a bigger arrest. Over the course of the show, he has whipped a suspect with a chain, burned a suspect’s face on a stovetop, stabbed a cop killer with his badge, and in the first episode shot another cop named Terry Crowley because Terry was a rat within the Strike Team. Vic Mackey and his team are like police brutality on steroids. The more people complained against him and his tactics, the more bruises and scars those people got. It’s an endless stream of graphic beatings and torture until the city is safe again, at least from the original gangsters, but not Mackey.
As vicious as Vic can be, the things he did on the show will never compare to what happened to David Aceveda in the third season of the show. David is investigating the home of a Mexican gangster named Juan Lazano. Juan jumps David from behind, binds his hands with a TV cord, and orally rapes him while Juan’s buddy is filming the whole thing with a smart phone. The sodomy was disturbing enough, but it was the ongoing trauma, family dissention, and blackmail David experienced afterwards that made The Shield hard to watch. When it comes to TV-MA-rated shows, I’m not a wimp by any stretch of the imagination, but even David Aceveda’s oral rape storyline was enough to shake me to my core.
If you strip away all of the torture, forced sex, limb chopping, burnings, and blood, you still have a well-written detective show. Yes, all of that hardcore and disgusting content is good for the Nightmare Fetishists out there, but The Shield isn’t just about violence and brutality; it has substance. It asks the bold question of whether or not the ends justify the means and how far we’re willing to trust the government to protect us when they commit questionable acts. Police brutality is an ongoing problem even in today’s world; just ask the families of Michael Brown and Eric Garner. The Shield does what all forms of media should do: it holds a mirror up to society and shows everyone its ugliest features. The show doesn’t glorify police brutality; it questions it. And by the end of the series, everybody on that show gets what they deserve whether it’s for better or worse.
But sometimes all you want from a detective show is a solid series of cases where the police work is intelligent and the laws and techniques are well-researched. You’ll get all of those things with The Shield. Shawn Ryan wasn’t just putting together a montage of beatings; he was putting together solid cases that real police officers and detectives would have to solve using their sharp investigative skills. Even Vic Mackey and his Strike Team are capable of using smart investigative tactics; otherwise, they wouldn’t be detectives.
All in all, The Shield is the complete package that a detective show is supposed to have. The only things that separate it from other shows is its dark nature, it’s bold statements, and its TV-MA rating. The show was revolutionary in more ways than TV being allowed to use the word “shit”, which is why it deserves a passing grade.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
VIC MACKEY: Do you want to catch this criminal or not?
DAVID ACEVEDA: Going undercover as dirty cops. You guys think you can pull that off?
VIC MACKEY: We can try.
-The Shield-
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Rhys Hardcore
NAME: Rhys Hardcore
AGE: 32
OCCUPATION: Capoeira Fighter
CANONS: Black Cross (movie script) and Zeromancer (novel)
I haven’t played a serious videogame since 2010, when I kept getting my ass kicked by a multi-striking lava dragon from the Nintendo DS version of Final Fantasy III. Before 2010, videogames were a huge source of creative fuel for me. One franchise I don’t talk about enough is the Tekken series. The techno music, the badass fighters, the variation in martial arts, Tekken had it all. And thus we have part of the inspiration for Rhys Hardcore, a capoeira warrior who could be a throwback to Eddy Gordo in terms of how lightning fast he was. When it comes to morals, however, Rhys Hardcore was more like Heihachi Mishima, a corporate juggernaut with iron fists and concrete nuts.
Rhys didn’t start out as such a bad guy. In the 2008 movie script Black Cross, he was just a regular capoeira master who was hired by a corporation to keep the peace between two tribes of warriors who were set to do battle in a big name arena. The capoeira fighter then known as Reis Porrada (King of Hardcore in Brazilian) was damn good at his job: whenever the tribes fought in the locker room, he beat the shit out of all of them. He didn’t beat them badly enough to hospitalize them, but just enough to teach them to follow Reis’s law.
Following this man’s law would be an even more valuable asset in the novel incarnation of Zeromancer, where the now Americanized Rhys Hardcore was a ruthless gangster with equal parts violence and shallowness. He didn’t have rivalries with other gangs. He instead declared war on people who were ugly or poor. He would throw parties with his gang in the most inconvenient places and tossed out all the undesirables before he actually set up shop.
When three lizards named Zuga Edai, XX Shiva, and Diesel Reznor refused to comply with Rhys’ orders, the three “hideous” warriors were locked in one of his dungeons and tortured until they either died from extreme pain or a broken heart. Zuga managed to get out alive, but the hell Rhys Hardcore put him through was enough to make the orc wizard into a permanent sourpuss. Nobody wanted to be around Zuga anymore. Hell, Zuga didn’t even want to be around himself anymore. Thanks, Rhys Hardcore. You’ve taught us once again that the upper 1% can do whatever the hell they want while anybody slightly beneath them is destined for a lifetime of sorrow.
Because I currently have a shortage of male villains in my archives, Rhys Hardcore will have to be assigned to that particular grouping. And why wouldn’t he be? He demands conformity from people who can’t change their circumstances and beats the shit out of them when they don’t. If the corrupt Wall Street bankers had capoeira skills, good looks, and treated every place they went to like a Miami pool party, then they would be perfect carbon copies of Rhys Hardcore. And really, isn’t perfection what we all should strive for? Shouldn’t we all just get in a big group and meld into each other until we’re all one big pool of perfection? While perfection may be nice to a lot of people, the word “perfect” is an insult to those who strive for individuality. Try telling this to Rhys Hardcore, the capoeira gangster with millions of dollars, millions of cars, and a craving for enough power to control the entire solar system (despite those planets not being terra-formed just yet).
You’ve read this far into my character analysis and are probably wondering if I created Rhys Hardcore just for the sake of having a rich whipping boy (because I’m obviously not rich myself). You’re wondering if I’m harboring any jealousy toward the top 1%. While it’d be nice to have that much disposable income, the less successful have talents and dreams of their own to where they don’t necessarily need that much money to survive. People like to look their noses down on welfare recipients while I on the other hand see untapped potential. When you tap into a source of creative fuel and it’s rich in nutrients, then the future can be a bright place for a lot of people. Rhys Hardcore doesn’t want you to tap into that potential, yet he’s more than willing to call you lazy even though he was the one who stopped you from succeeding.
So the answer to your lingering questions is no, I’m not jealous of the top 1%, because none of those people could measure up to the hype that Rhys Hardcore brings about. Rhys is the ultimate villain-sue: he knows martial arts, he has all the money in the world, and people do what he wants while those who question him are tortured and killed. If Rhys Hardcore was a real person, we’d all be fucked. His realness is the difference between the world ending slowly and naturally and the world ending in an instant cluster fuck of chaos.
***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
RANDAL: I remember that night we went to Julie Dwyer’s funeral, you were all like, “I need to shit or get off the pot!”
DANTE: You said shit or get off the pot, not me!
RANDAL: You got all fired up about taking charge of your life and what did you do? You worked at the Quick Stop until it burned to the fucking ground!
DANTE: I took courses that broke down!
RANDAL: And then you dropped out!
DANTE: Because you stopped going!
RANDAL: Because we were just killing time with those classes! One semester we took fucking criminology, for Christ’s sake! Who the fuck are we training to be: Batman?!
-Clerks II-
AGE: 32
OCCUPATION: Capoeira Fighter
CANONS: Black Cross (movie script) and Zeromancer (novel)
I haven’t played a serious videogame since 2010, when I kept getting my ass kicked by a multi-striking lava dragon from the Nintendo DS version of Final Fantasy III. Before 2010, videogames were a huge source of creative fuel for me. One franchise I don’t talk about enough is the Tekken series. The techno music, the badass fighters, the variation in martial arts, Tekken had it all. And thus we have part of the inspiration for Rhys Hardcore, a capoeira warrior who could be a throwback to Eddy Gordo in terms of how lightning fast he was. When it comes to morals, however, Rhys Hardcore was more like Heihachi Mishima, a corporate juggernaut with iron fists and concrete nuts.
Rhys didn’t start out as such a bad guy. In the 2008 movie script Black Cross, he was just a regular capoeira master who was hired by a corporation to keep the peace between two tribes of warriors who were set to do battle in a big name arena. The capoeira fighter then known as Reis Porrada (King of Hardcore in Brazilian) was damn good at his job: whenever the tribes fought in the locker room, he beat the shit out of all of them. He didn’t beat them badly enough to hospitalize them, but just enough to teach them to follow Reis’s law.
Following this man’s law would be an even more valuable asset in the novel incarnation of Zeromancer, where the now Americanized Rhys Hardcore was a ruthless gangster with equal parts violence and shallowness. He didn’t have rivalries with other gangs. He instead declared war on people who were ugly or poor. He would throw parties with his gang in the most inconvenient places and tossed out all the undesirables before he actually set up shop.
When three lizards named Zuga Edai, XX Shiva, and Diesel Reznor refused to comply with Rhys’ orders, the three “hideous” warriors were locked in one of his dungeons and tortured until they either died from extreme pain or a broken heart. Zuga managed to get out alive, but the hell Rhys Hardcore put him through was enough to make the orc wizard into a permanent sourpuss. Nobody wanted to be around Zuga anymore. Hell, Zuga didn’t even want to be around himself anymore. Thanks, Rhys Hardcore. You’ve taught us once again that the upper 1% can do whatever the hell they want while anybody slightly beneath them is destined for a lifetime of sorrow.
Because I currently have a shortage of male villains in my archives, Rhys Hardcore will have to be assigned to that particular grouping. And why wouldn’t he be? He demands conformity from people who can’t change their circumstances and beats the shit out of them when they don’t. If the corrupt Wall Street bankers had capoeira skills, good looks, and treated every place they went to like a Miami pool party, then they would be perfect carbon copies of Rhys Hardcore. And really, isn’t perfection what we all should strive for? Shouldn’t we all just get in a big group and meld into each other until we’re all one big pool of perfection? While perfection may be nice to a lot of people, the word “perfect” is an insult to those who strive for individuality. Try telling this to Rhys Hardcore, the capoeira gangster with millions of dollars, millions of cars, and a craving for enough power to control the entire solar system (despite those planets not being terra-formed just yet).
You’ve read this far into my character analysis and are probably wondering if I created Rhys Hardcore just for the sake of having a rich whipping boy (because I’m obviously not rich myself). You’re wondering if I’m harboring any jealousy toward the top 1%. While it’d be nice to have that much disposable income, the less successful have talents and dreams of their own to where they don’t necessarily need that much money to survive. People like to look their noses down on welfare recipients while I on the other hand see untapped potential. When you tap into a source of creative fuel and it’s rich in nutrients, then the future can be a bright place for a lot of people. Rhys Hardcore doesn’t want you to tap into that potential, yet he’s more than willing to call you lazy even though he was the one who stopped you from succeeding.
So the answer to your lingering questions is no, I’m not jealous of the top 1%, because none of those people could measure up to the hype that Rhys Hardcore brings about. Rhys is the ultimate villain-sue: he knows martial arts, he has all the money in the world, and people do what he wants while those who question him are tortured and killed. If Rhys Hardcore was a real person, we’d all be fucked. His realness is the difference between the world ending slowly and naturally and the world ending in an instant cluster fuck of chaos.
***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
RANDAL: I remember that night we went to Julie Dwyer’s funeral, you were all like, “I need to shit or get off the pot!”
DANTE: You said shit or get off the pot, not me!
RANDAL: You got all fired up about taking charge of your life and what did you do? You worked at the Quick Stop until it burned to the fucking ground!
DANTE: I took courses that broke down!
RANDAL: And then you dropped out!
DANTE: Because you stopped going!
RANDAL: Because we were just killing time with those classes! One semester we took fucking criminology, for Christ’s sake! Who the fuck are we training to be: Batman?!
-Clerks II-
Friday, July 3, 2015
Mittens
NAME: Mittens
AGE: 4
OCCUPATION: Domestic Cat
CANON: Deviant Art Role-Plays
This question is strictly for people who currently have or used to have a Deviant Art account. When you have a lengthy conversation with a fellow member and that member has a sweet disposition, do you oftentimes find yourself in little role-plays? I’m not talking about a controlled environment like Dungeons & Dragons. I’m talking about free-form role-plays where it’s not uncommon to take the role of a kitty the artist has a picture of or a barbarian the artist drew himself. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:
DEVIANT A: Aww! Cute kitty! I want to pet him!
DEVIANT B: Be my guest!
DEVIANT A: (Scratches the kitty under the chin.)
DEVIANT B: (While taking the role of said kitty) Purrs and rolls over.
DEVIANT A: Would you like some treats, little kitty?
DEVIANT B: Meow!
Role-playing is frowned upon by the elite members of Deviant Art, but I actually find it to my liking. I think it’s cute and cuddly. Of course, it can also be badass and violent like the role-plays I have with my friend Zero while using a Lego ogre I have named Sage Thunderbreath. Sage is supposed to be an intimidating hammer fighter, but he ends up being used for comic relief. Funny how that works out.
This post isn’t about Sage or any of the other characters I’ve used. This post is about a cute and snuggly kitty named Mittens, who was played by me, but named by the cutesy and bouncy girl I was role-playing with, Yasmin. I can’t remember exactly what the occasion was where I used Mittens, but my first guess was a welcome back gesture after Yasmin had been gone for so long from Deviant Art. She would scratch the kitty behind the ears and Mittens would roll over on his back for belly rubs. Yasmin would also give the kitty a ball of yarn to play with as well as a whole cherry pie to eat. Not only did Mittens purr, play, roll over, eat pie, and do all of those other cute things. He also talked. Do you know what Mittens’ first words were? “I wuv you, Yasmin!”
Admit it, animal lovers: you want to own a talking, playing kitty just like Mittens. You want to have long conversations with him while the two of you watch Baby Looney Tunes or Muppet Babies together. Maybe you’ll talk about how you want Baby Bugs Bunny or Baby Kermit the Frog to leap out of the TV and join you two in a big ol’ cuddle-puddle. On a cold winter night when the rain is pouring and the wind is blowing, you’ll all get together under a big warm blankey and snooze away with “The Dreams of Children” by Shadowfax playing on a stereo somewhere.
Cuteness overload? When I’m using Mittens, I’m just getting started, buddy. If it’s at all possible to die of too much cuteness, Mittens will be the one who puts you in a box and sends you to heaven. Or the Rainbow Bridge to see the other animals you’ve had in your long lifetime. When I eventually introduce him into a literary capacity, the story itself will be of TV-Y proportions. Cuteness overloads from top to bottom, even more so than in a short story I wrote called “Sitka the Nose Biter”. No violence of any kind except for cartoon-style slapstick. No swearing unless they’re watered down to children’s level words like “darn” and “heck”. Sexual content? Fucking forget it! Oops, I’ve already violated the TV-Y standards! Oh well! Some things never change! Hehe!
***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
“Say no to negativity.”
-Jerry Lawler-
AGE: 4
OCCUPATION: Domestic Cat
CANON: Deviant Art Role-Plays
This question is strictly for people who currently have or used to have a Deviant Art account. When you have a lengthy conversation with a fellow member and that member has a sweet disposition, do you oftentimes find yourself in little role-plays? I’m not talking about a controlled environment like Dungeons & Dragons. I’m talking about free-form role-plays where it’s not uncommon to take the role of a kitty the artist has a picture of or a barbarian the artist drew himself. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:
DEVIANT A: Aww! Cute kitty! I want to pet him!
DEVIANT B: Be my guest!
DEVIANT A: (Scratches the kitty under the chin.)
DEVIANT B: (While taking the role of said kitty) Purrs and rolls over.
DEVIANT A: Would you like some treats, little kitty?
DEVIANT B: Meow!
Role-playing is frowned upon by the elite members of Deviant Art, but I actually find it to my liking. I think it’s cute and cuddly. Of course, it can also be badass and violent like the role-plays I have with my friend Zero while using a Lego ogre I have named Sage Thunderbreath. Sage is supposed to be an intimidating hammer fighter, but he ends up being used for comic relief. Funny how that works out.
This post isn’t about Sage or any of the other characters I’ve used. This post is about a cute and snuggly kitty named Mittens, who was played by me, but named by the cutesy and bouncy girl I was role-playing with, Yasmin. I can’t remember exactly what the occasion was where I used Mittens, but my first guess was a welcome back gesture after Yasmin had been gone for so long from Deviant Art. She would scratch the kitty behind the ears and Mittens would roll over on his back for belly rubs. Yasmin would also give the kitty a ball of yarn to play with as well as a whole cherry pie to eat. Not only did Mittens purr, play, roll over, eat pie, and do all of those other cute things. He also talked. Do you know what Mittens’ first words were? “I wuv you, Yasmin!”
Admit it, animal lovers: you want to own a talking, playing kitty just like Mittens. You want to have long conversations with him while the two of you watch Baby Looney Tunes or Muppet Babies together. Maybe you’ll talk about how you want Baby Bugs Bunny or Baby Kermit the Frog to leap out of the TV and join you two in a big ol’ cuddle-puddle. On a cold winter night when the rain is pouring and the wind is blowing, you’ll all get together under a big warm blankey and snooze away with “The Dreams of Children” by Shadowfax playing on a stereo somewhere.
Cuteness overload? When I’m using Mittens, I’m just getting started, buddy. If it’s at all possible to die of too much cuteness, Mittens will be the one who puts you in a box and sends you to heaven. Or the Rainbow Bridge to see the other animals you’ve had in your long lifetime. When I eventually introduce him into a literary capacity, the story itself will be of TV-Y proportions. Cuteness overloads from top to bottom, even more so than in a short story I wrote called “Sitka the Nose Biter”. No violence of any kind except for cartoon-style slapstick. No swearing unless they’re watered down to children’s level words like “darn” and “heck”. Sexual content? Fucking forget it! Oops, I’ve already violated the TV-Y standards! Oh well! Some things never change! Hehe!
***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
“Say no to negativity.”
-Jerry Lawler-
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