Millennium X Otherwise: Beautiful Monster

***MILLENNIUM X OTHERWISE: BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***

Raise your hand if you at least have a surface level understanding of the 1990’s horror TV series Millennium. I didn’t watch it on a regular basis when it was on TV, but there was one episode in particular that disturbed the shit out of me. The title is creepy on its own: “A Room with No View”. Gee, I wonder what kind of room they could be referring to. No windows, no balcony, just walls and darkness. This wouldn’t be the kind of room where kidnapping victims are kept, would it?

After seeing news stories on TV about pedophiles kidnapping children and keeping them in captivity for decades at a time, you’d be right to think that kidnapping is a disgusting topic to approach. If a creepy guy kidnaps an innocent girl, there’d be no debate at all as to how sickening that is. We’d all be clamoring for the creepy guy to be locked up. But in “A Room with No View”, the gender roles are reversed. A drop-dead gorgeous young woman named Lucy Butler kidnaps a high school student named Landon Bryce.

The minute Lucy has Landon under lock and key, she goes right into lovey-dovey mode. She tells him she loves him, she cuddles with him, and “comforts” him after he tries to get away and is recaptured. Attempting to escape the compound and getting caught again is something that happens over and over in this episode. And who’s there to give him love and sugar when he returns? Lucy Butler, of course. Oh, and Landon also is told to believe that he’s mediocre and ordinary. So when the FBI eventually raids the compound and rescues him, not only does he have sexual trauma to deal with, but also self-esteem issues. How nice.

If a story is creepy on its own and that’s the only emotion it dabbles with, then we’ve got an open and shut case no doubt. But then this episode of Millennium fuses the creepy feeling with sexual desires and lovey-dovey romance. That makes the creepy feeling even worse. The more emotions you can mix with creepiness, the more intense said creepiness becomes. Landon Bryce is probably going to be fucked up for the rest of the Millennium canon. Society loves to judge male victims as “pussies” and “fags”, so it’s not like he can get away from that stigma after becoming free from the femme fatale known as Lucy Butler.

When I first saw this episode back in the late 90’s, the timing couldn’t have been worse for me. I was already a middle school kid who was turning down dates with girls left and right because I was in constant fear that they’d screw me over in court. My own father had divorce issues of his own and was paying out the ass for it, so that’s where my irrational fear of romance came from. And now I see this episode of Millennium and think, “Is that what relationships are really all about?!” Obviously, the answer is no. But at the time, it seemed reasonable to me.

I wrote this blog entry for two reasons and not one of them is so that Men’s Rights Activists could rejoice. I have lots of love for feminist culture and know full well that there’s only one Lucy Butler in the world (on top of that, she’s not even real!). Would you like to know what my two reasons really are? One of them is to announce that I’ve come up with a fantasy novel idea based on the motif of women kidnapping men. The other reason is because I’ve found the perfect song to go with this novel (should I decide to write it). It’s called “Beautiful Monster” by Otherwise and it’s my current favorite song from that hard rock band from Vegas. If you read the lyrics to the song, you’ll find out just how much Lucy Butler and the villainess of my own novel idea have in common with Otherwise’s beautiful monster in question.

VERSE 1

Something about the way that she makes me hate myself

I could run away but I don't want no one else

So say what you want, it's already done

It's Russian Roulette and love is the gun

You don't know her, you don't know her like I do

CHORUS

Looking like an angel so divine

You can see the devil in those eyes

She's a monster by my side baby

Taking me six feet down tonight

Cause dancing with the devil gets me high

She's a monster, a beautiful monster

(A beautiful monster)

VERSE 2

Something about the way that she tears me up inside

Is it wrong that I love it when I know she'll bleed me dry

So say what you want, it's already done

It's Russian Roulette and love is the gun

You don't know her, you don't know her like I do

CHORUS

Looking like an angel so divine

You can see the devil in those eyes

She's a monster by my side baby

Taking me six feet down tonight

Cause dancing with the devil gets me high

She's a monster, a beautiful monster

BRIDGE

A beautiful monster

I don't want to be saved

A beautiful monster

I don't want to be saved

A beautiful monster

I don't want to be saved

A beautiful monster

I don't want to be saved

CHORUS

Looking like an angel so divine

You can see the devil in those eyes

She's a monster by my side baby

Taking me six feet down tonight

Cause dancing with the devil gets me high

She's a monster, a beautiful monster

A beautiful monster

Are you scared yet? You should be! I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time!

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

LEMONHEAD: We’re all going to crash and burn because of you! Amy’s not even that hot, man!

SHANE VENDRELL: Oh, thanks for the support, asshole!

-The Shield-

Peacemaker

Gerard Killings paced back and forth with his hands tucked in his trench coat pockets. He gazed around at the animal trophies mounted on the wall while shaking his head in disgust. Deer heads, tiger rugs, bear dolls, and fox pelts made this politician’s home feel like an animal graveyard. Protecting Senator Schneider from assassination filled Gerard’s eyes with dollar signs, but his heart with emptiness. He felt no different from a street whore selling her body for cocaine. The mercenary plopped down on the zebra striped couch and ruffled his clean shaven head and face.

He snapped out of his disgusted trance and leapt into business mode when he heard the sound of wood creaking in the next room. Gerard pulled two sais from his trench coat pockets and crept towards the kitchen. When he arrived, he saw that the scene hadn’t been disturbed except by an elderly dog lying on the floor snoozing away. The irony wasn’t lost on Gerard as he shook his head some more while holding the bridge of his nose.

The time to earn his paycheck arrived when Gerard felt a heavy presence crash down from overhead. He dropped his sais and gasped for air as he felt a furry arm wrapped around his neck with a knife pointed into his jugular. A feminine voice whispered, “Don’t even think about it. I’ll slash you from asshole to appetite if you move one inch.”

Gerard didn’t listen. He snatched his assailant’s wrist and chomped down on her arm with the strength of a bear trap. The furry female yelped and back flipped off of her opponent, leaving a smattering of blood across the floor. Gerard used this valuable time to crawl quickly across the floor to retrieve his sais. Before he could lay one finger on them, he felt a knife graze his scalp as it flew into the kitchen cupboard.

The mercenary blinked tightly in pain while pressing a hand to his wound. He opened his eyes just widely enough to see that his assailant was dressed in black ninja gear except for part of her face and arms, which were covered in animal fur (and blood from the bite wound). She angrily whispered, “You’re one dead motherfucker!” before pulling out a katana and lunging towards a seated and prone Gerard. The mercenary moved his head just in time to avoid being decapitated. The fuzzy ninja slashed and lunged some more only to have Gerard tuck and roll out of the way every time.

Mr. Killings, still on his back, kicked the ninja in the head and dazed her long enough for him to wrap both ankles around her neck and flip her over. She crash landed into the kitchen cupboard, but accidentally landed on the sleeping dog. The dog yelped and crawled pathetically across the floor. Both fighters were distracted by the condition of the elderly animal, so much so that the ninja crawled across the floor and petted the little guy. “I’m so sorry,” she gently whispered. “You poor little sweetheart.” The ninja’s petting caused the dog to roll on her back and kick in the air.

“Wait a damn minute here,” said Gerard before he nipped up and ripped the ninja’s mask off to reveal she was a humanoid fox. The ninja gasped and crab-walked backwards, knowing her identity was plain to see. “Why am I not surprised? Misty Blades, anti-hunting activist. You’ve been all over the news talking about using peace and love to advance your cause, yet here you are trying to stick a blade in my fucking neck.”

Misty waved a dismissive paw and scoffed, “Like your politician friend is any better. Have you seen all the animal corpses around his house? And what about you? You’re guarding this place, so you’re every bit as guilty. Now you have to involve a poor little doggy into this.” She petted and kissed the dog some more, much to the little pooch’s smiling delight.

“Do you need help there, Gerard, or can you do it yourself like you were paid to do?” asked Senator Randy Schneider, who stood in the bedroom doorway dressed in a blue bathrobe holding a peacemaker handgun. He had a calm demeanor about him despite finding Misty Blades in his kitchen. “What are you waiting for, Gerard? Must I hold your hand?”

“You’re actually going to listen to this guy?” asked Misty. “I saw you making those faces at the animal trophies. You’re just as disgusted as I am. You could finish this right now if you wanted to.”

Randy sighed, “And how exactly does he plan on doing that, Miss Blades, if that is your real name? I’m the one with the gun and you two are just sitting there with your knives up your asses. That’s the thing about hunting, my friend: you need the best weapons. You think I claimed all of those deer heads with a fucking katana? Hell no. I was smart enough not to bring a knife to a gun fight.”

“Guns are for cowards!” belted Misty. “Killing animals is just as cowardly. Why in the hell would anybody want to support your new bill, Senator? You fucking right-wingers are all the same. You’ll protect an unborn fetus, but you’ll gladly shoot a defenseless creature. Don’t think for a minute that your gun is going to save you now. All the firepower in the world means jack shit without the fighting skills to back them up.”

Randy squeezed off a shot and only managed to tear a piece of fur off of Misty’s cheek before the ninja leapt across the room and held a blade to the politician’s throat. Senator Schneider shook so hard that he could be confused for a Parkinson’s patient. No amount of pathos could wipe the look of white hot, drooling rage from Misty’s vixen face. “Gerard! Help me!” Randy shouted.

“Shut up, you whimpering piece of shit! Stop whining and start listening! When that bill hits the senate floor, that shit is dead on arrival! If it isn’t, then you will be! What do you say/ Senator? Is your life really worth having more animals die in your name?” grimaced Misty.

Little did the ninja know that Randy dropped the peacemaker on the floor and slid it across to Gerard with his foot while shaking in fear. Sure enough, the bodyguard picked it up and cocked it before pointing it at both Misty and Randy.

“Don’t even think about it!” shouted Misty. “You put that thing down or I’ll spill his throat all over the fucking floor! Then maybe I’ll take him down to the taxidermist to get stuffed!”

“Just take the shot, Gerard; she’s going to kill us both anyways!”

“Shut the fuck up! Both of you!” Gerard roared. “I am getting sick and tired of this political bullshit! All I wanted was a paycheck tonight and you two have turned this into a fucking nightmare! Maybe I’ll kill both of you! Or maybe I’ll just kill you, Randy, and leave the fox lady to do her bidding elsewhere! You think I enjoy looking at all of these animal trophies?! They make me sick! In fact, I should probably throw up in that orange face of yours right now! It can’t look any worse than it is now!”

Misty grinned at Gerard’s threat while Randy whimpered a small prayer. This was it. That bill was going to die a nasty horrible death, which could also be said about the pants-pissing Randy Schneider. Gerard seethed with drooling anger like a rabid wolf ready to devour a hunter’s leg. The animal analogy was perfect for the rage bubbling up inside of him. Mother nature was ready to strike with a whirlwind vengeance.

“But then again…as much as I agree with Misty Blades more than anybody else…she doesn’t write my paychecks!” said Gerard before he squeezed off another shot and put a bullet in the fox ninja’s head. Her brains splattered all over the kitchen floor as she fell to her death. The elderly dog crawled over to her and licked her bloody wound like a bowl of puppy chow.

“Dogs are such filthy creatures,” said Randy with a chuckle. “Then again, so was that crazy bitch. You put on a hell of a show, Gerard. You had me going for a minute there. You’ll get that paycheck just like I promised you. Maybe if the bill passes, I’ll throw you an extra bonus so that your cancer-stricken son can go to Disneyland. You only live once, right? Well, I got to get to bed now. You did good tonight, my friend. Oh, and did I mention you’re one hell of an actor?”

“I wasn’t acting at all, Senator. I still think you’re a piece of shit for what you’re doing,” said Gerard as he handed the peacemaker to his boss.

“Correction: I’m a piece of shit who’s going to send your child to Space Mountain before he drifts away to heaven. There’s a difference, you know,” grinned Randy as he accepted the peacemaker and whistled his way back to bed.

“What do you want to do with Misty’s corpse?” asked Gerard.

“I’m sure I can find a nice place for her next to the lion’s head. Goodnight!” said Randy from the bedroom before he flicked off the light and yawned.

Gerard plopped back down on the zebra-striped couch and stared at his blood-covered hands. His whole body felt as though he had just taken a swim in a river of innocent blood. He did it all in the name of his cancerous son’s happiness, but what if he ever found out how he achieved that happiness? Could Gerard keep this secret forever? So many guilty thoughts ran through his mind at a million miles an hour.

A single tear dropped from his eyes and he could do nothing about it but bury his face in his murderous hands. He had no choice, just like anybody voting for Randy Schneider or his opponents. The system owned him. If they wanted him to dress in a turkey suit and dance like a monkey, he would do it if it meant a hefty payday. Maybe he wouldn’t feel nearly as guilty if he sucked dicks for a living. How sad. How relentlessly sad.

Zootopia

MOVIE TITLE: Zootopia

DIRECTORS: Byron Howard and Rich Moore

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Children’s Animation

RATING: PG for comic mischief

GRADE: Extra Credit

In a world where anthropomorphic animals reign, little bunny Judy Hops dreamed of being a Zootopia police officer and making a difference ever since she was a little kid. Everyone from her carrot farming parents to a wise cracking fox named Nick told her that her dreams were worthless and settling for less was the only way to live. Even as a meter maid, Judy is determined to prove that no dream is too far out of reach and any case is solvable. She even decides to go rogue and solve a case involving fourteen missing predators without help from her fellow police cohorts. It starts out as simple lead following (and conning Nick) and evolves into a conspiracy that affects the entire animal kingdom.

When giving this movie high praise, one must point out the elephant in the room. No, not the one with the trunk and tusks. I’m talking about the themes of prejudice and police corruption. In the real world, it means non-white criminals will be given stiffer penalties than white ones despite the severity and circumstances of the crime. In the world of Zootopia, it’s the same racial clash, but with predators and prey. Predators are labeled as savages and criminals while the preys are labeled as automatically innocent and sweet. The makers of this movie were obviously trying to teach younger viewers a lesson in loving and accepting each other despite our differences. It’s an admirable lesson and an important one in today’s modern age with the Ferguson, Missouri and NYPD cases serving as black eyes to American society. Using cute and cuddly animals helps ease the pain enough for small children to digest the message without being disturbed.

The other message of the movie is to never give up on your hopes and dreams no matter how tough things get. As someone who aspires to be a professional author in a tightly competitive market, I always love it when this message is sent loud and clear. Judy Hops appreciated it too since overcoming obstacles is her strongest feature. She’s a teeny-tiny bunny rabbit in a world of hulking buffalos and rhinos. If she can make it in Zootopia, she can make it anywhere. Settling for less seems like a good survival strategy, but surviving isn’t the same as actually living. Walking about like a zombie to a stressful job isn’t healthy and shouldn’t be encouraged by any authority figure.

I mentioned that the animals were cute and cuddly, right? Well, it’s not just a great way to attack the theme of prejudice, but it’s also a good for getting those cutesy-wutesy emotions out in the open. I have tons of cats and two lovable dogs living with me, so I know how important it is to show them love and affection. One of my favorite things to call an animal is a “pie”. Sometimes I’ll attach it on the end of my pets’ names. My Springer Spaniel Bassett Hound mix is called Maggie-Pie. My little Schipperke is called Willem-Pie. The elderly brown kitty that’s currently sleeping on my bed with new age music in the background is called Smokey-Pie. Yes, I know animals aren’t actually dessert pastries, but they don’t seem to mind the affection. In fact, they welcome it. So would it be too out of line if I called the characters Judy-Pie and Nicky-Pie? They’d probably take it as species profiling, but they’ll come around once they get their belly rubs.

Despite the fact that this is a PG-rated Disney movie, it’s one all age groups should see. There are so many reasons to love it, including ones I haven’t outlined in this review. I don’t want to outline too much, because that would lead to spoilers and spoilers take the motivation away. Go buy a ticket and see this wonderful movie in the theaters. If not, you could wait for it to come out on Blu-Ray, DVD, and digital format. If you’re not smiling and giddy by the time this movie is over, check your pulse. Five stars for a movie that was more than just a lovey-dovey parading of animals. It’s a movie that keeps hope alive even after crushing politics leave us all desolate and depressed.

Misty Blades

NAME: Misty Blades
AGE: 31
OCCUPATION: Fox Ninja
CANON: Final Fantasy Hardcore 2


Misty Blades came from the same batch of animal warrior villains as Jacob Slash. In this case, she was formerly known as Atir Mystblade and she was scheduled to be a kitsune ninja. I have no idea where I got the idea to create a bunch of animal warriors, but the influence for Misty Blades could easily be traced to Magic: the Gathering. This was around 2005 and 2006, so this would have been the time where Hasbro was releasing Japanese-themed cards such as samurais, ninjas, dragons, demons, and of course, anthropomorphic animals. The Kitsune Blademaster, a fox samurai with first strike and bushido 1, was one of my favorite cards to use in white decks and could have very well been the inspiration for Misty Blades even though Misty is a ninja and not a samurai.

Seeing as how Final Fantasy Hardcore 2 went defunct before I had the chance to use my animal warrior bosses, Misty didn’t get much of a chance to shine. She has no background information, no storyline involvement, and no real reason for being created in the first place. All I wanted was a fox ninja who could slash shit up and get the fuck out of dodge before anybody caught her. Foxes are cool. Ninjas are cool. Fox ninjas are really goddamn cool! She had a lot of buzz generated, but I didn’t know what to do with her. She was comparable to CM Punk, who was signed to WWE right around the time Misty Blades was conceived (2005-2006). Punk earned a lot of fame around the world, but was creatively stifled in WWE because nobody knew what to do with him.

I’m not going to let Misty Blades leave my creative world the same way CM Punk left WWE after being battered, bruised, and sore for many years. Don’t get me wrong; Misty is going to take a beating one way or another, but not for the wrong reasons. Misty is going to count for something. In the case of her next story (which would in reality be her first one), she will play the role of a villain. Yes, foxes are cute and don’t normally act like villains, but then again, some ninjas do act like villains. And if I completely have to strip Misty of her cute factor, I could always give her razor-sharp teeth, drooling rabies, and neon green eyes. Seriously, what’s it going to take for my audience to see how dangerous and how bitchy this fox woman is? Her last name is Blades, for Christ’s sake.

So what kind of villainy role could we give to Misty and flesh out her resume a little bit? She could be a heartless mercenary. She could assassinate someone for political reasons. Hell, let’s combine those two things and make her into one badass bitch! It worked perfectly for Mileena from Mortal Kombat 2. Yes, Mileena looks nice on the outside, but when she takes off her mask and reveals her sword-like teeth and witch-like nose, you’d better run for the fucking hills, my friend! Maybe that’s what it takes for Misty Blades to be a convincing villain. She could easily be a fox version of Mileena! Oh, my inner geek is going nuts right now! If I’m not careful, I could have a nerd-gasm all over my keyboard! Actually, having any kind of orgasm for Mileena is virtually impossible (unless you leave her mask on, of course).

What about the weapons Misty will carry? We know she’s going to use a sword since most ninjas do. But what if the edges on that sword were jagged and bloody? What if she was using nunchucks made of thigh bones? Or a ribcage shield? Or a flail that’s really just someone’s spinal column and skull? How about a shuriken made entirely out of monster teeth? If your inner geek is ready for a mental institution just like mine is, get ready for this: a spear with deer antlers at the end instead of a steel tip! Or a whip that’s really a live snake! With all of these possibilities for her character and her weapon choices, it makes me wonder why she was unemployed in the first place! Hehe!

The last thing I’ll harangue you guys with his Misty’s dialogue. When I write dialogue for my characters, I try to make it as realistic as possible. If I wanted to add some witty dialogue for a character with a sharp tongue, I could very well do that. But would that work for a monstrous fox like Misty? I’m leaning towards grunts and gurgles, myself. Or she can have no dialogue at all. Or she could swear up a storm. It would have to be something crude enough to make her a monster and mysterious enough to make her a ninja. Maybe a steel tongue isn’t the best option for her. Oh well, there are other characters I can give snappy dialogue to. No sweat!

When I was looking for post-college employment from 2010 to 2013, the only experience I had was educational. Since I’ve never had paid employment before, I had to enhance my resume to make my education look like a blessing straight from the heavens. I wasn’t successful in finding a job. However, I did a little resume enhancement with Misty Blades despite her not being experienced. The difference is, Misty is going to make her mark sooner rather than later. And that mark is probably going to be a trail of blood, bones, and vomit leading all the way to the tip of her jagged sword. Yikes!

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“We were born and bred to rip and shred!”

-Konnor, one half of The Ascension-