You Win

Congratulations! You beat me in a war

Want a fucking cookie? How about four?

Go grab me a plate and I’ll regurgitate

A whole bag of Oreos that I just ate

Congratulations! You owned me on the mike

Take your gold medal and take a fucking hike

Your precious prize is made out of chocolate

The gold is urine from my manly man rocket

Congratulations! I’ll never recover

Maybe I should be your brand new prison lover

I’ll be the top and you can be the bottom

Smash your ass like a pumpkin in the middle of autumn

Congratulations! You win at everything forever

I’m sure your victory speech will be funny and clever

Tell them how you cheated me out of first place

Then crack your stupid jokes about gender and race

Congratulations! There’s nothing left to achieve

You’re the king of the mountain, it’s what we believe

Play with your riches until you get burned out

All those cars for nothing, so much for your clout

Congratulations! You drove everyone away

Here’s your trillion dollar check on this lovely payday

Now you’re all alone with nobody to talk to

Not even Creepy McCreeperton wants to stalk you

Congratulations! You won against a guy who never wanted to play

Mediocrity

VERSE 1

The Penultimate Warrior, the Over-Giver

Velveteen Limbo, a bunch of chopped liver

The devil’s least favorite demon

B-Team! B-Team! The playing field is even

I will not celebrate or tolerate mediocrity

I will succeed in any meritocracy

I’ll fight forever if that’s what it takes

I’ve got no time for the players and fakes

CHORUS

I’m not here to do my best

I’m here to defeat the rest

I’m not here to lay my ass down

I’m here to take over this town

I’m not here for participation

I’m here to rule this nation

I came to conquer, I shoot to kill

If you won’t step up, then I will

VERSE 2

The world’s eleventh strongest man

The last man standing sitting on his ass

The king of the hill turned into a pawn

The grand wizard with a broken wand

I refuse to go quietly into the night

To compromise what I believe is right

To sink beneath my comfortable sofa

To let mediocrity be my magnum opus

CHORUS

I’m not here to do my best

I’m here to defeat the rest

I’m not here to lay my ass down

I’m here to take over this town

I’m not here for participation

I’m here to rule this nation

I came to conquer, I shoot to kill

If you won’t step up, then I will

BRIDGE

I’ll sleep when I’m dead inside my head

Not a moment sooner than when I bled

Even as a skeleton collecting spider webs

I’ll never give up is what I’ve always said

You don’t get to choose when it’s over for me

You don’t get to micromanage or oversee

Keep talking shit and you’ll always be wrong

No matter how much you say or for how long

CHORUS

I’m not here to do my best

I’m here to defeat the rest

I’m not here to lay my ass down

I’m here to take over this town

I’m not here for participation

I’m here to rule this nation

I came to conquer, I shoot to kill

If you won’t step up, then I will