High School Dreams

It’s hard to believe that I graduated from high school way back in 2003. And yet, the past refuses to rest in its shallow grave. Of all the dreams I’ve had in my adult life, going back to school is the most common. According to Dream Moods, going back to high school suggests inadequacy. I’ve graduated from college in 2009, but I haven’t been able to find a career that will make me independent.

So what do I have now? Dreams where I’m trying to figure out what grades I got by logging onto the school website, but I forgot my username and password. I’ve also had dreams where I go to school completely naked. Despite my overweight frame, nobody seems to notice or otherwise care.

And then there are those really interesting dreams where I sign up for a math or science class and I’m in danger of failing, so I drop out with a W for a grade. English literature, on the other hand, I have no problem with. I read the books and complete the assignments in a timely fashion, so my teachers couldn’t be happier with me.

Here’s a weird one for you: going to gym class and forgetting my exercise clothes only to have a fellow student buy them for me at the student store. I’m forever in that kid’s debt.

But sometimes school can’t last forever (bummer). Sometimes I have to ride the bus home…and then a foot ferry…and then a military grade submarine…and then an airplane. Did I leave anything out? How about me going to school in a really tiny building, almost microscopic. And then once I get to class, I try to find a seat, but all the desks and seats have graffiti on them.

There are a lot of different ways for a subconscious to tell a guy how inadequate he really is. Is there something else my brain is trying to tell me? Do I really need a reminder of how I’ve only made a 60 cent profit this entire time of selling my writing? Do I really need the point driven home that I couldn’t even make it as a library scientist (because they wouldn’t hire me in the first place)? Do I need to be told over and over again how all of my work experience has been voluntary?

Not everybody’s life can be rainbows and skittles. Very few people can say they’re part of the 1%. Should they start having high school dreams too? What exactly constitutes success? Money? Fame? Happiness?

I don’t claim to have all of the answers, but if my subconscious is going to keep throwing these high school dreams at me, it should at least have the decency to provide me with honest answers about myself. And if my subconscious doesn’t have all the answers, who does, and is this person within reach? So many questions, not enough answers. It’s the story of my life, even when I was still going to high school.

　

***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I’ve been doing some web design.”

-Peter Parker aka Spiderman from “The Amazing Spiderman 2”-

"Make Yourself" by Incubus

When summer vacation came in the year 2000, I was happy to be out of school just like any other videogame-playing kid. I had different reasons for wanting to escape from the hellhole known as WF West High in Chehalis, Washington: bullying. So if I get out of that environment at least for a little while, then I should be able to recover from the mental trauma, right? Wrong! The thing about psychological trauma is that it doesn’t go away when the event is over. It keeps tormenting you until you space out and become a vegetative mental patient. For all the times that I wasn’t spacing out and wishing death upon myself, I heard a little bit of rock and roll playing in the background. That piece of rock and roll was an album called “Make Yourself” by Incubus. Seeing as how I was dead inside and emotionally numb, I shouldn’t have been able to feel any kind of music flowing through my veins. But the thing about Brandon Boyd’s lyrics is that they speak to trauma victims in a way that’s completely relatable. Listen to these lyrics from the song “The Warmth”. “So don’t let the world bring you down. Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold. Remember why you came and while you’re alive, experience the warmth before you grow old.” Brandon Boyd made me want to believe in life again with those words alone. And in case that wasn’t enough incentive, here are some lyrics from “When It Comes”. “Just when you thought it was safe to think, in comes mental piracy. You know what I’m looking for cannot be sold to me. I wish they all would stop trying. ‘Cause what I want and what I need is and will always be free.” Still not enough incentive? How about “Pardon Me”? “So pardon me while I burst into flames. I’ve had enough of the world and its people’s mindless games. So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flames. Pardon me, pardon me. I’ll never be the same.” At this point, this shit was too much to bear. It was either reach out to my family and friends or suffer alone in a vegetative deep fry. Instead of choosing suicide, I chose life. After a few sessions of EMDR and some bottles of Paxil, I was back on my feet again. Those feet would be best used during a summer retreat where I got to dance with two different girls to slow, romantic songs. Being that close to those women was enough to convince me to actually want to have the company of a girlfriend. So in a sense, I guess you could say that Incubus saved my life. And don’t you worry about me posting in a book blog about a music CD. Lyrics count as literature too, you know. Thanks, Incubus, for showing me that there’s life beyond Chehalis.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“They make a low dosage version of antidepressants. It’s for babies!”

-Pat Cashman from “The 206”-