Rachel Phoenix

NAME: Rachel Phoenix
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: Elf Assassin
CANON: Tree Party Nation


With the way the 2010 D&D movie script Tree Party Nation was written, alignments were in multiple shades of gray instead of complete black and white. There were no good guys and bad guys and if there were, it would be hard to tell them apart. On one side of the battle, you have a group of environmentally conscious warriors called the Tree Party Nation, who have noble intentions of preserving their forest home, but go about it in a violent and sadistic way. The other side of the battle is Myles Blood’s Goliath Kingdom, where chopping down trees might seem cruel and unusual, but it does give his citizens good-paying jobs and develops his city. Two ambiguous forces of violence colliding and Rachel Phoenix happens to be on Myles Blood’s side.

But if you think this badass chick is a one-dimensional ass-kicker, think again. She also at one point had the capacity for love. In fact, she was the ex-fiance of the Tree Party Nation’s leader, half-elf ranger Barrett Croft. Rachel thought Barrett was too radical for her tastes, so she aligned herself with, in her mind, the voice of reason in Myles Blood, human cleric. However, just because she broke up with Barrett, it didn’t mean that she didn’t have any feelings for him remaining whatsoever. A very small part of Rachel wanted to be with him again.

By the movie’s end, she gets her wish. Barrett Croft broke out of a Goliath prison and held everyone hostage with a nail bomb detonator (yes, they have those in D&D somewhere). Barrett even had the device wrapped around Myles Blood’s chest to show the audience how serious he was. Brute force wasn’t going to put an end to such terrorism. Rachel’s love would. Both the Tree Party Nation and Goliath’s Army had lost a significant number of soldiers in this war.

Now Rachel must convince Barrett that it’s time to make love instead. She made him an offer he would never refuse: put down the bomb and run away to a faraway environmental paradise with her. They would never return to Goliath or have to deal with Myles Blood again. It’s just two love birds solidifying their romance. And it wasn’t an assassin’s prank either. This was true love. Barrett found it within his heart to put down the detonator and walk away in Rachel’s arms. That’s how the story ended.

Even as I write this plot down on a blank document, part of me is wondering why Tree Party Nation would be a dud of a creative project. There are three-dimensional characters everywhere, there’s plenty of fantasy violence to go around, and the ending is something everybody can be happy with whether you’re a diehard geek or a sucker for lovey-dovey ooey-gooey romance stories. I’d actually have to go back into my archives and reread Tree Party Nation to see why it would be a dud.

But then again, a part of me already knows why. First of all, it was written in the style of a movie script. Movie scripts matter…if you live in California. As I write this character profile, I currently live in Port Orchard, Washington, where the only things that matter are knitting, war stories, and loud vehicles. Secondly, the story was written in 2010, a time in my life where my writing was mediocre at best. In fact, I feel that way about anything I’ve written before mid-2013 when I joined the Weekly Short Story Contest and Company group on Good Reads.

It might be a prejudiced way of thinking, but that prejudice has oftentimes been completely justified. Canned dialogue, scattered story structure, undisruptive writing, these things make me afraid to reread Tree Party Nation. So if Rachel Phoenix is going to be used again, she will take part in yet another fantasy story whether it’s a novel I write or a D&D campaign I run. Where else would you find a woman named Rachel Phoenix who openly admits to being an elf assassin? There isn’t a whole lot of need for ninja stars and jagged daggers in a modern setting. Yeah, she’s definitely a fantasy kind of girl, in more ways than just the literary genre. Hehe!

　

***LITERARY QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“If Clue was played with Dungeons & Dragons rules, you could beat a confession out of Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe and have sex with Miss Scarlet on the table of the conservatory.”

-David M. Ewalt, author of “Of Dice and Men”-

Mickey and the Giant

EPISODE TITLE: Mickey and the Giant

SHOW: Disney Cartoons

YEAR: Late 1930’s

GENRE: Children’s Cartoon

RATING: TV-G

GRADE: Pass

An oafish giant terrorizes a nameless kingdom to where a multi-mullion pazooza bounty is placed on his head. Mickey Mouse is oblivious to this news as he’s busy in his tailor’s shop mending clothes. Seven flies swarm in on him and he swats them all before proudly proclaiming to the town, “I killed seven with one blow!” The townsfolk and the king all think he’s talking about giants, so the king appoints Mickey to slay the giant and collect the bounty while also taking the hand of Princess Minnie. There’s just one problem: Mickey is microscopic compared to the giant and all he’s armed with is a pair of tailor’s scissors and a spool of thread.

When I was a tiny kid growing up in Port Townsend, Washington, my parents bought me a VHS tape of three different Mickey Mouse cartoons. Mickey and the Giant happened to be the last one on the cassette. I would watch that tape over and over again like any small child would, but I would never understand the plotline of the cartoon or any of the structural elements of Disney’s storytelling, also like a small child. I have to admit that I was a little disturbed by Mickey sewing the giant’s sleeves together and then yanking on his nose before tying him up and defeating him. As an adult, I can’t understand why that would be disturbing, but as a kid, I didn’t question my irrational emotions. Maybe it was the dramatic, fast-paced music, I don’t know.

Nonetheless, I enjoyed the hell out of that cartoon. I particularly liked the creative ways in which the giant went about his daily routine of eating, smoking, and relaxing. He relaxed by sitting on somebody’s house and crossing his legs. When he was hungry, he ate an entire wheelbarrow full of pumpkins like they were candy pieces. When he got the hiccups from Mickey yanking on his uvula, he drank an entire well full of water. And when the giant wanted a nice smoke to go with his meal, he rolled up a bale of hay like a cigar and lit it up with a kitchen stove from inside the house. Looking back now, the giant didn’t seem like a particularly cruel person. He was just a harmless fool. Unfortunately, he was too big of an inconvenience for the kingdom, so he had to be taken down. And when he was, he snored into a windmill that powered an entire amusement park. More creativity on the part of Disney.

And then there’s the favorite part of any 99-percenter looking for a hero: the underdog defeating the favorite in convincing fashion. It’s a G-rated Disney cartoon, so chances are good that the oafish giant’s opponent won’t be a juggernaut in steel armor who wields a barbed wire lance in one hand and a fiery metal staff in the other. It would be a convincing victory, but it wouldn’t be particularly amazing since that outcome is to be expected from someone of such power. Mickey Mouse is not a powerful character. Compared to the giant, he’s finger food. At any moment, the giant could have crushed him like a bug and that would be the end of it. Mickey wasn’t going down that easily. He used his quick wits and stealthy strategy to overcome a nearly impossible opponent. He hid in the various food, beverage, and tobacco items and when his cover was blown, he used the giant’s own momentum against him. The giant wasn’t too bright, so this ending was believable.

This cartoon was still on You Tube the last time I checked. That’s how I got reacquainted with it in the first place. If you’re a big kid who wants to relive his playful days or you have a child of your own who needs entertainment, I would definitely recommend this cartoon. It’s cute, it’s creative, and it’s fun for the whole family. Enjoy!