KKKaren

VERSE 1
Your first amendment rights
Shouldn’t lead to fist fights
Put on the goddamn mask
It’s not too much to ask
Put down your semiautomatic
Stop trying to be autocratic
Karen is spelled with three K’s
I could rant about you for days

VERSE 2
No, you can’t see the manager
About your faulty hamburger
No, you can’t call the police
To disturb a black guy’s peace
No, you can’t yell at clerks
Who’re only trying to work
Karen is spelled with three K’s
Who will be your next prey?

BRIDGE
You got your refund paid in full
Your jail time is void and null
You can go back to normalcy
And live your life so cordially
No, not you! You’re never happy
Cussing, screaming, shooting, slapping
Live and in color on a viral video
In case the news cycle was really slow

VERSE 3
You can apologize all you want
But only because you got caught
You can shed your river of tears
While your victims cower in fear
You can do it again to someone else
And never put the blame on yourself
Karen is spelled with three K’s
What more do I have to say?
Karen has an N at the end of it
Her favorite letter, racist sentiment
Karen is spelled with three K’s!

Silent Warrior, Chapter 26

“Okay, Tom, you can do this…just go in there…and do you, as the kids say…you can do this…” As Tom Simpson repeated this mantra to himself in the driver’s seat of his car, he breathed deeply and secretly wondered if any of his own former students had to do this right before they walked into his class. Such thoughts were packaged together with the notion that Tom didn’t deserve to do what he was about to do, that he was washed up, tainted, and unforgivable. A few more deep breaths pushed the unwelcome thoughts from his mind. Slowly, yet surely, he exited the vehicle and crossed the moonlit streets of Perkins City.

Tom never expected The Tool Shed to be as laidback as it was. The folk rock music being performed by a drag queen onstage soothed his tense body. The male eye candy made him feel young and colorful again. Yet through it all, he still felt alone even in a gay bar full of handsome men. Nevertheless he straightened his tie and approached the counter hoping for an interaction of some kind.

The burly black barkeep with golden loop earrings asked, “What can I get for you tonight, sunshine?”

“Just a beer would be fine,” said Tom nervously as he looked down where his wedding ring used to be. Ask and ye shall receive: a tall frosty mug of golden beer that probably tasted like horse piss anyways. Tom sipped it and suppressed a bitter face, yet kept on drinking out of necessity. Maybe the phrase “liquid courage” had some meaning to it after all.

“Do I know you from somewhere?” asked the bartender with a warm smile.

Fingering the purple loop where his wedding ring once laid, Tom said, “I’m sure you’ve seen me on the news here and there. I don’t want to say much beyond that, but if you’ve already figured it out, then I’ll get out of your hair whenever you want me to.”

“Nah, nah, I ain’t hating. It’s all good, buddy. We’re all friends here,” said the bartender with a wink, which made Tom chuckle lightly. “Seriously, though, you look like hell. You keep looking down at your finger or some shit. You a married man?”

“Used to be. I had to pawn my ring just to make ends meet.”

“Man, that’s tough. Sorry to hear that. Well, if you’re looking for a new start, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve got good music, good beer, good food, and some motherfuckers that look goooooooo-ood tonight!” The last line was punctuated with a hearty laugh.

“You know…I actually came here for another reason aside from your goooooo-ood beer. You wouldn’t happen to have any job applications handy, would you?”

The barkeep shifted his eyes between the drag queen singing onstage and Tom and smiled as he asked, “No offense, but aren’t you a little old to be taking that dude’s job? I’m not trying to be mean or nothing, but you don’t look like the singer type. Hell, you sound like you lost your voice long before you came in here tonight.”

Taking deeper sip of his beer, Tom said, “I’m not applying to be a singer or a dancer. I was looking for something a little more…higher up. Something more suited to my college degree. Maybe some bookkeeping. Maybe something in the range of…assistant manager?”

Nodding, the barkeep said, “Ah, that makes a little more sense now. You look like a smart dude. I’m sure we can find something for you to do behind the scenes. Hold that thought while I go get you the paperwork.” He ruffled Tom’s hair and walked off to the back office.

Tom took an even deeper gulp of his beer and turned his attention toward the drag queen, who had the voice of a heavenly angel and the looks of a sassy diva. The way his red dress flowed down, the way his long raven hair flopped about, and the way he showed off his hairless body made Tom warm and fuzzy deep in his core. Tom couldn’t remember the last time he had a big goofy grin on his own face, but it was there complete with a line of spittle obliviously hanging from his bottom lip. The drag queen winked and giggled at him and Tom couldn’t help but tuck his head in embarrassment and giggle himself.

“He’s a beauty, ain’t he?” said the returning bartender, who snapped Tom out of his trance long enough for him to notice a fresh job application along with a red inked pen. “You’ll notice on this thing that you’ll be asked for three references. But don’t worry, you don’t have to put down Linda Williams’s name if you don’t want to.” The bartender winked and gave Tom a confused expression.

“Wait a minute, how did you…?”

“Like you said, you’re in the media one way or another. But that’s alright, buddy. We’re all friends here and we don’t judge. I just have one little favor to ask of you before you fill out the application. No more of this democracy is dead shit, alright? It ain’t going to fly here.”

Tom made a flat tire noise and said, “Trust me, I know how ineffective that line was. Ask any of my former students and they’ll be more than happy to tell you about it.” With that said, he got right to work in filling out the application. Now that the bartender mentioned it, there weren’t many people Tom could use as a reference since he spent the last few decades pissing everybody off at Perkins High. By the time he actually reached that point in the paperwork, he froze like Walt Disney. “I think I need a little help here.”

“I’ll have a glass of beer, Charlie,” said a familiar dreamy voice sitting next to Tom. Careful not to make complete eye contact, Tom saw that the drag queen had finished his performance and took a seat next to him for some odd reason. So much for “liquid courage”. Tom buried his attention back into the application when the drag queen patted his shoulders and said, “You look a little lost there, buddy.”

“Honey, I’ve been lost for a long damn time now,” said Tom. “I’m still wrapping my head around this damn piece of paper. I’ve filled out many of them in my lifetime, but this…this reminds me of one of the tests I used to give my kids. Sorry, I’m rambling. Must be the alcohol talking.”

Peeking over Tom’s shoulder, the drag queen said, “You can use me as a reference if you want.”

Snickering nervously, Tom shook his head and said, “That’s really sweet of you, but I’m serious about getting this job.”

“And I’m serious about you having it,” said the smiling drag queen. “We could always use some fresh blood around here. Look around, sweet lips. There’s not a whole lot of business going on around here. It’s like people are afraid to come in here or something. Maybe if you can drum up some business, we can turn this shit around, hmm?”

“I guess so. I’m Tom, by the way. Tom Simpson.”

“Yeah, I noticed on your application there. I’m Dave, but everybody here calls me Davita. Nice to meet you, Tom.”

“So basically everybody here names you after a kidney dialysis clinic? What, do you have little guys in musketeer suits follow you around?”

Tom’s joke earned a hearty laugh from Davita, who squeezed his shoulder and said, “You’re something else, Tom, you really are. You don’t sound like a pissed off history teacher at all. Trust me, I wouldn’t want to work there either, especially with all them football studs walking around beating up ‘queer-mo-sexuals’ as they like to call them.”

“Oh, trust me, Davita, all that’s going to change now that Principal Williams knows what the hell’s going on…and now that I’m gone forever.”

Rubbing Tom’s shoulders, Davita said, “Hey, listen to me. You’re going to make a great worker here. Don’t let any of that past BS get in your way, alright? I know you feel like shit and all, but if you want to work in a gay bar, gay meaning happy, then you’ve got to learn how to smile every now and then. I mean, you looked like you were having the time of your life when I was up there singing. Bring that attitude to your job and you’ll be fine.”

“I suppose you’re right,” said Tom as he filled Davita’s name in one of the reference boxes. “One down, two more references to go. Now who do I use?”

“You can use anybody you want, honey. If you don’t want Charlie to contact them, just check that little box and you’ll be fine. Besides, nobody really cares about those things anyways. If they want a new employee, they’ll hire. It really all comes down to how you present yourself in the interview. You give good interviews, right?” The ex-teacher shook his head and Davita said, “Tom?”

“I guess I do give good interviews.”

“That’s the spirit!” squeaked Davita as he kissed Tom on the top of his head. “You’re finally getting to do something you actually love doing. That should give you the happy-ass attitude you want rolling into the interview.”

“I bet you’ve been reading The Secret, haven’t you?” joked Tom. “How many times? Five? Six? A dozen?”

“More like two dozen,” Davita joked back.

Tom shook his head and finished filling out the job application, most likely with bullshit answers. He could have written down Hulk Hogan or Mickey Mouse for one of his references and Davita and Charlie would have warmed his heart with the same smile anyways. Even before he was granted an interview, Tom felt like he belonged, which was a feeling he wish he could have given his students. But enough about the past and forget about the future. It was time to live in the moment for Tom Simpson.

Dark Side of the Wall

Every chant of his last name sent a biblical flood of adrenaline through Ryan Warrior’s veins. He stood backstage with his fists clenched tightly by his sides, his painted up face a shield of rage, and his leather jacket a suit of armor for this musical war. The dimly lit stage splashed purple and red on the violent faces of the heavy metal crowd. All that could be heard aside from the crowd’s excitement was the ethereal music created by fast-paced war drums and the haunting wooden flute. As the war drum pounded louder in the ears of all, the shouts and screams became more deafening and more motivating to Ryan Warrior.

With the grinding, heavy sounds of an electric guitar, bass guitar, and drum kit to guide his way, Ryan marched out to the stage and was met with a thunderous ovation. They gave him a battle, he would return with a war. He snatched the microphone off of its stand and shouted, “What’s up, Ghost River Amphitheater?! You want some heavy ass metal?! One! Two! Chainsaw Samurai!”

The drum kit and war drums players dueled with each other. The guitar and bass players banged their long locks and bounced around the stage. The flute player calmly let out another wave of ghost music. And Ryan? He jumped up and down along with his audience, rowdy as they were.

With a throaty, demonic scream, he shouted, “Forget about your fucking dishonor / And focus on your eventual slaughter / Which one of your limbs must go first? / Your arms, legs, or German bratwurst? / Slice off your head, a mummified trophy / He opens your mouth and says, “Blow me!” / A bloodbath is coming from the Rising Sun / Violence and gore became a shit-load of fun!”

The raw passion of the outdoor crowd could be seen with every shove, every throw, every drop of blood, and every bruise. To get out of this mosh pit alive and well would be a miracle rivaling Jesus Christ himself. It was all fun and games until Ryan Warrior stopped bouncing and head banging. He looked out into certain areas of the crowd with disgust on his face, like he had just smelled raw sewage. “Stop the music! Stop the goddamn music! Guys, enough! I got something to say!”

Once the band discontinued their music, the crowd erupted into a fiery roar with volcanic passion and their bruised fists in the skies. Ryan’s disgusted face turned to a deathly scowl as he shouted into the microphone, “Are you guys fucking stupid or what?!” Like the bunch of idiots they were, the audience cheered at that rhetorical question.

“I look around at this crowd and I don’t see metal heads. I see grown ass men groping teenaged girls. I see little kids getting their heads smashed in. Hell, I just caught one of you assholes shooting off a rocket at my guitarist! You nearly hit him in the fucking face! What is wrong with you people?!” No more fiery passion from the crowd, only boos. Whether those boos were directed at the sociopathic audience members or Ryan Warrior was unknown, but the oratory continued.

“You know what? I’m starting to understand why Roger Waters built the wall! I trust you all know who the hell he is! He was the driving force behind a band called Pink Floyd, a band I have a lot of respect for! And right now, I feel like building a wall between you guys and my band! Boo all you want, but it ain’t wrong if that’s how I feel! Go ahead! Boo! Boo like a bunch of babies!” Ask and ye shall receive. The flying beer bottle that pinged off of Ryan’s shoulder was a bonus that sent the Native American into a nightmarish frenzy.

“Where the hell are the goddamn bouncers?!” he screamed. “How come nobody is trying to remove these guys?! I see neo-Nazis over here doing their thing! I see a teenaged girl trying to get away from you morons! Seriously, where the hell is security?! Where the hell is alcohol enforcement?! Why are the goddamn cops just sitting around munching on donuts?! I’ll tell you what, dip shits! If you keep this crap up, you’re not getting a show tonight! You haven’t shown me that you deserved one! You know what? To hell with it! I’m going backstage and I’m going to have a banana daiquiri! Screw you bastards! Screw this show! I don’t need this crap! I’m out of here!”

Ryan dropped his microphone with a resounding thud and walked backstage with his brethren, flipping off the booing crowd as he exited. The tour bus was in the back parking lot ready to roll on to the next town, which was hopefully less criminal-minded than this one at the Ghost River Amphitheater. The boos and reckless behavior out in the crowd caused Ryan to clutch his head in pain as he took a seat next to the mini-fridge. While his band mates disappeared behind the dressing room door, Mr. Warrior pulled a banana daiquiri out of the fridge and formed a small smile on his face knowing his night would at least end on a high note.

“Ryan! What the hell are you doing?! You’ve got a show to play, damn it! Don’t do this to me!” shouted his manager, a pudgy, balding, olive-skinned fellow in a gray suit who was flailing his arms as he shouted.

The singer tossed aside his bottle and stood up to look his manager square in the eyes. “Do you not see what’s going on out there? They’re acting like animals! I’ve played rowdy crowds before, but these guys are turning this concert into a goddamn prison riot! Where the hell are the bouncers? Do they not give a damn what’s going on out there?!”

Pointing a sausage finger at him, the manager said, “So that’s it? You’re going to give up on your dream because you don’t like what’s going on out there? Yes, you’ve played wild crowds before, but this ain’t no small piss-ant nightclub! This is the big time! You can’t back down from a crowd that size just because the security detail doesn’t swoop in right away! They’re not the Justice League, for Christ’s sake! Hell, they’re probably busy with parts of the crowd you can’t even see from the front stage!”

“Is that really what being a rock star is all about? Hanging around with a bunch of criminals? Having people shoot fireworks at you? What a bunch of crap!” said Ryan.

“You’re right! It is crap! But it also comes with the territory! Yes, there are a bunch of wild and crazy idiots right now who are probably being dragged away in handcuffs! But there are even more people out there who paid good money to see you perform! By walking off stage, you’re not only spiting the drunken jerks, but you’re also slapping the faces of the true fans! Do you want your true fans to remember you as the guy who quit in the face of criticism? If they think you’re getting soft for one minute, that’s the end of your career, buddy! And it’s a career that barely got off the ground! It’ll be over before it begins! Welcome to heavy metal, Ryan! Or I could welcome you to the unemployment line, how about that? It’s up to you, big guy. What’s it going to be?”

Breathing deeply and shakily, the seething Ryan Warrior glared into the eyes of his manager and said, “If that’s your way of psyching me up and getting me to earn my paycheck…” Mid-speech, he pulled a feathered hatchet out of his leather jacket and grinned at it like a psychopath. “I’m going to collect interest from these motherfuckers!”

In a calm and collected manner, the manager asked in a semi-whiny voice, “Ryan? What are you doing with that thing?”

Leaning his slasher villain face into the manager’s, Ryan said, “You’ll see. You think I’m soft? You think I’m cowardly enough to run away from the biggest dream I’ve ever had?” He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid enough to walk away from a big payday?! Do you?! You can put all the stipulations in the contract you want, but no matter who the record label is, this is my show and I’m going to burn it to the ground!”

The manager backpedaled in pants-wetting fear as he shakily sat next to the mini-fridge. Ryan grinned and shouted at the dressing room in a feral voice, “Guys! We’re going to give the audience our…special treat!” The band mates exited the dressing room laughing viciously and sending the manager into even more violent shivers. The entire band walked passed him with villainous grins on their faces while the manager weakly asked, “What’s the hatchet for?”

The audience cheered and roared like bloodthirsty lions at the reappearance of Ryan Warrior and his band. As the lead singer slowly picked up his microphone and breathed in a raspy voice into the device, he swirled his tongue around his lips as he saw the undesirables being dragged away by security and law enforcement. Neo-Nazis were being pulled out of the arena by their legs. Child molesters were being dragged by their thick hairy arms. Drunkards staggered and fell on their way to the bus stop. While there may be some cretins left behind, the unmistakable chants of Ryan’s last name were music to his ears.

Ryan glared at the hatchet in his hand and said in a monstrous voice, “You see this? I carry this into battle with me every damn day of the week. It brings me more than just good luck. It brings me pleasure. It brings me pain. It brings me…bloodlust!” On that last line, he licked the flat end of his blade like it was his lover. “But if you think I’m so pissed off that I’m going to carve up a bunch of drunken idiots and join them in prison, you’re dead wrong. I’m not throwing away anything for those assholes, certainly not my dream, certainly not my life. Instead…I have a message from a little band from Iowa called Slipknot.”

The “true fans” shouted their approval at the name drop and raised their bloodied fists to the skies. Ryan continued his demonic speech with, “Mr. Corey Taylor couldn’t make it tonight. He sends his apologies. He also sends a very poignant message to everybody here who ruined your evenings by acting like mindless thugs. Nah, I take that back. Your evenings are far from ruined by those jerks. Our night of heavy metal is just getting started. It’s going to continue with a little Slipknot song that everybody here can relate to. It’s called…People = Shit!” With the fans riled up and ready to rock, the stage pyrotechnics burst into flames and the music was far from dead. Heavy metal will never die.