Dumb Asses

VERSE 1

A drug zombie with his Johnson hanging out

A drunken loony shouting gibberish so loud

Giving hand jobs in exchange for change

With a hairy palm all covered with mange

Giving blow jobs with infected bloody gums

Now you’ve got rivers of pus in your cum

These are the characters you see at a bus station

Or out on the streets doing public masturbation

CHORUS 1

Dumb asses should be a priority

Locked up by the highest authority

Locked up in a room full of white

Straightjacket fitting oh so tight

VERSE 2

Laughing at nothing but the wall in front of him

Shouting conspiracy theories about the government

Smelling like shit and a pack of cigarettes

Jaywalking blindly where the streets intersect

Everyone’s walking just a little bit faster

While the acid trip is his psyche’s master

His hand goes up an unsuspecting woman’s skirt

He squeezes so hard that it starts to fucking hurt

CHORUS 2

Dumb asses should be a priority

Everywhere we go, they are the majority

Buses, ferries, and even taxi cabs

Walking ain’t crowded, but it’s sure a drag

VERSE 3

I’ll never go back to this city anymore

Except to listen to music so hardcore

Except to eat at the best restaurants

Except to hold signs in the biggest font

A love-hate relationship with the clown town

For every breath of fresh air, a stain that’s brown

For every sane guy, there’re a hundred freaks

For every bus trip, there’s the jerk of the week

COMBINED CHORUSES

Dumb asses should be a priority

Locked up by the highest authority

Locked up in a room full of white

Straightjacket fitting oh so tight

Dumb asses should be a priority

Everywhere we go, they are the majority

Buses, ferries, and even taxi cabs

Walking ain’t crowded, but it’s sure a drag

FINAL LINES

Dumb asses should be a priority X4

Dumb asses!

Lune Kateras

Can someone explain to me how a Russian cyber-soldier is named Lune Kateras? It might have something to do with me using this character in a Cyberpunk 2020 RPG session in 2004, where being ethnically conscious wasn’t my strong suit. Ever heard of a Chinese warlord named Kasabian? Only in my childlike imagination was that ever possible. And now we have this Russian solo named Lune Kateras. He has the accent, he has the attitude, but he doesn’t have anything else that would determine him to be a Russian. Sometimes I think he was Russian just for the hell of it.

His shining moment within that Cyberpunk role-playing session had nothing to do with his ethnic background. In fact, you could hardly call it a shining moment since he was easily humiliated by his so-called allies. Lune got a job offer and met his new allies at a bar. One of these allies was another solo named Bo Cameo. Right from the get-go, Bo starts questioning Lune’s readiness, abilities, and loyalty. I didn’t know why he would do this. I figured adding Lune to the team was a done deal. Nevertheless, Lune wasn’t very happy with Bo’s distrust. Tempers boiled over and the two solos were sent to the back of the bar to duke it out.

Lune had this one and only chance to shut up his biggest critic, probably because talking with a toothless mouth was damn near impossible. His major fighting style was wrestling (both Olympic and professional) while I can’t remember what Bo’s was. This fight could have gone either way, at least on paper. When it actually played out, Bo dominated the entire thing and Lune couldn’t get a shot in edgewise.

What went wrong? Well, me being a rookie Cyberpunk player, I didn’t take into account the Combat Sense score that made solos so deadly. Bo’s was way higher than mine and that turned out to be a big deal. How else could he have dominated the fight Lesnar-style? Lune didn’t have to live with the humiliating defeat for too long, because shortly after the battle, I was banned from Play By Web forever.

Fear not, Lunatics (that’s what Lune’s fans will be called from now on). The name Lune Kateras was recycled into a Final Fantasy-style character I intended on using in a novel. There were no cybernetics. There were no unnecessary critics. There was no whining. There was no room for humiliation, because I was the author this time. Author is just a few letters shy of the word authority, so it’s my way or the highway.

This Lune Kateras makeover had him wear a gray hooded sweatshirt, green cargo pants, black combat boots, and his weapons of choice were a semi-automatic machinegun and a katana. In this new novel, aptly called Final Fantasy Hardcore 2, Lune and three other characters broke out of a mental hospital and separated from each other in order to make themselves harder to capture.

Lune escaped to an entirely different planet and made friends in the form of a dark paladin, a queen, and a robot. His friendships wouldn’t last since his escape turned out to be a Deus ex Machina middle finger to the reader. In other words, being an insane asylum patient, he hallucinated the whole thing. When people say that’s what dreams are made of, they’re not kidding.

Final Fantasy Hardcore 2 never made it past Lune’s story and therefore was scrapped. However, he’s not completely unemployed. Due to the diminutive length of Fireball Nightmare, I’ve decided to tack on an extra act after Valley of the Damned. I call this third act Peace of Mind. I don’t know much about it except for the characters who will occupy it. Lune Kateras is one of the heroes and this time he’ll have nothing to “whine” about. If anybody questions his loyalties or his abilities, Lune can easily leave them high and dry at the drop of a hat. He’s here to help. If his help’s not appreciated, lots of luck, fuckers.

　

***PARODY MIXED-MARTIAL ARTS QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Ladies and gentlemen, after three rounds of action, we go to the judges’ scorecards for a decision. Ray Charles scores the contest 30-22. Stevie Wonder scores the contest 35-15. Helen Keller scores the contest 50-10. Declaring the winner by unanimous decision: the guy who stayed on his back for all three rounds!”

-Bruce Buffer-