Rise and Shine

VERSE 1

Rise and shine for your fucked up mind

There’s no more time to relax and unwind

Get your ass out of bed, Mr. Sleepyhead

Rise like a zombie coming back from the dead

CHORUS 1

Rise and shine or your ass is mine!

Rise and shine, don’t fucking whine!

Rise and shine for the dollar signs!

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

VERSE 2

Too many stories and not enough glory

A life of snoring is so damn boring

Work your fingers to the powdery bone

Your flesh melts like an ice cream cone

Your blood boils like a river of lava

Your wheels turn as you pen this drama

Do it all again on the very next day

This line of work is where you’ll stay

CHORUS 1

Rise and shine or your ass is mine!

Rise and shine, don’t fucking whine!

Rise and shine for the dollar signs!

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

BRIDGE

This lifestyle isn’t just a stepping stone

It’s what you should be calling home

There’s nothing bigger, nothing better

To your own craft, you are a debtor

VERSE 3

Something mysterious is holding you back

Energy and fire is what you fucking lack

You burned yourself out like a dying candle

The daily grind you’ll never be able to handle

Good morning is a hypocritical phrase

When all you want to do is laze in your haze

Stressed out, pissed off, fucked up, get lost

Now you know the deal, time to pay the cost

CHORUS 2

Rise and shine? Go fuck yourself!

Rise and shine? Go straight to hell!

Rise and shine? No goddamn chance!

Find another partner for your puppet dance!

Gates of Hell

“Gates of Hell MMA Gym? Are you sure we’re in the right place?” asked Henry Silva to his girlfriend Christina McKenzie. But why wouldn’t it be the right place? They were both decked out in athletic shorts, Nike shoes, and baggy T-shirts, outfits which were ideal for practicing mixed-martial arts due to their looseness.

“Maybe Gates of Hell is just a really cute name for what really goes on in there,” guessed Christina. “Maybe the trainers are a bunch of drill instructor assholes who give into that warrior spirit crap.”

“Yeah, that’s probably why there are demon masks and skulls in the windows. It might also be why the phrase ‘Gates of Hell’ is in some weird ass gothic font. I don’t know if I’m stumbling upon an MMA gym or a haunted house. I don’t know, Christina, something feels wrong about all of this.”

“Listen to yourself, Henry. You haven’t stepped one foot in this place and already you’re not even giving this place a fair chance. Maybe the people who run this place really like creepy dark fantasy stuff, I don’t know. It can’t be any worse than our last gym. That place smelled like an outhouse. Plus, the trainers couldn’t tell the difference between a kimura and a Pop Tart.”

After running his fingers through his spiky black hair in contemplation, Henry finally gave in and said, “You know what? You’re right. Come on, let’s check this place out.” With no further resistance, the Brazilian capoeira ace and the all-American wrestler entered this freaky establishment.

If Henry and Christina thought this place was terrifying on the outside, the inside would have given weaker folks heart attacks. More demon masks on the wall, more skulls hanging from the ceiling, a purple fog covering the floor, and of course, no MMA gym would be complete without the caged ring and various exercise equipment.

The two warriors walked around this seemingly empty gym awestruck by this entire setup. Was this just a gimmick to help fighters overcome their fears? Was something a little more occult going on here?

Christina McKenzie in particular was so out of it from being creeped out that she failed to notice someone standing behind her. She bumped into him and gasped in fear when she saw a man in MMA shorts wearing one of the demon masks on the wall.

Henry Silva had the same chills when he ran into a woman wearing a gas mask, a sports bra, and surprise, surprise, baggy MMA shorts.

The gentleman in the demon mask said in a deep voice, “Hello. You two must be the ones who called earlier wanting to sign up. My name is Leif Kampmann. I run this gym alongside my girlfriend Olivia Cade. I’m the head striking coach while Olivia will teach you all about grappling and jujitsu.” He started getting a little frisky when he placed a seductive finger underneath Christina’s chin and asked, “Do you have an MMA record, my dear?”

The raven haired wrestler nervously said, “Um, yes, um…I have nine wins and four losses.”

“Nine wins and four losses? Not bad. But it could be better. I’m guessing that’s why you decided to join up with us,” said Leif as he continued to stroke Christina’s chin.

Henry made a throat-clearing sound and said, “Hi there, Leif! You do realize that’s my girlfriend you’re trying to seduce, right? Plus, you said this gas masked chick was already your girlfriend, so you’re probably making her jealous right now.”

Olivia put her delicate hands on Henry’s broad Brazilian shoulders and said, “Jealous? Not me, hon. Jealousy is for weak-minded, hormonal high schoolers. Besides, neither of you came to our establishment to get laid. So why don’t you come with me and I’ll teach you some jujitsu.”

Henry and Christina shrugged their shoulders at each other as their respective “coaches” took them off to separate parts of the gym for training. While Henry was training, he could hear the sharp sounds of both his girlfriend and Leif smacking around a heavy gym bag, which probably qualified as the world’s most intense striking lessons. He shuddered to think what those two did for “sparring sessions”.

The jujitsu training with Olivia was no joke either. She and Henry spent what must have been three whole hours wrestling each other on the padded floor. Try as Henry might to uses his capoeira training to spin out of each submission hold, Olivia knew exactly what she was doing when she made him tap out to various versions of shoulder locks, arm bars, and chokeholds. Henry felt like he could learn a lot from this woman, probably because she kept making him his bitch during these exchanges.

This wasn’t such a bad experience, Henry thought to himself. Décor aside, he could actually improve his MMA game and do better than a measly six wins (decisions), three losses (knockout or TKO), and one no contest (accidental eye poke). And then when Henry applied his first guillotine choke to Olivia, he ripped her gas mask off and revealed something that he was never meant to see: vampire fangs.

While Henry Silva’s lips were quivering and heart was racing as he backed up on his butt, Olivia Cade smiled at him with her vampire fangs and said, “Surprise, surprise. How do you think I got an undefeated record of twelve straight wins? Okay, most of it was because I actually knew how to fight…but it was Leif who turned me on to the dark side! And oh, does the dark side feel so good. You’d love it too if you gave it a try, Henry. What do you say?”

For the longest time, the cat had Henry’s tongue. And then he finally mustered the strength to say, “Are you out of your fucking mind?!” After backing up several more feet and repeatedly ordering Olivia to stay way from him, Henry stumbled to his feet and ran across the gym to where Leif was teaching Christina proper kicking techniques on a heavy punching bag.

Henry grabbed Christina’s arm and said, “Come on, baby girl, we’ve got to get the hell out of here! These guys are goddamn vampires!”

“What?! Hey, let go!” said a resistant Christina, who was half-dragged to the entrance way.

Henry tried opening the door, but it was locked and reinforced with steel. He even threw a few kicks at it for good measure, but it still wouldn’t budge. He then instructed Christina to stand back while he threw a few capoeira spin kicks at the tinted black windows. Even the strongest of Chuck Norris kicks wouldn’t be able to make a scratch. After a while of frustrating results, Henry pounded on the glass windows with his fists like a drum and pleaded to be let go, but no dice.

“Are you through yet?” asked Leif, who was seen standing arm in arm with his girlfriend Olivia, both of them without masks and both of them with vampire fangs showing.

Henry took a few angry deep breaths in and out and yelled, “Listen, you assholes! I may not have the best MMA record in the world today, but if you don’t let me and my girlfriend out of here, I’ll knock both of your oversized fangs down your throat and out of your asses!”

No impromptu fight was about to take place as Henry felt two sharp jabs in his jugular vein coming from behind. It was painful as hell, but it felt so good at the same time, almost like a sexual experience. The vampire bite didn’t come from Leif Kampmann or Olivia Cade. It came from his own lover, Christina McKenzie, who was probably converted to vampirism through Leif.

Henry started crying tears of blood as he knelt down and asked, “Why, sweet god, why? What the hell has gotten into you, Christina?!”

The newly christened vampire lover wrapped her arms around Henry’s neck in a loving embrace and said in a seductive whisper, “It’ll be okay, my love. Everything will be okay. With these vampire powers, we’ll never lose a match again. Once we put in our mouthpieces, nobody will be the wiser. We should come here more often, don’t you think, sugar bear? Don’t worry, you’ll get used to vampirism over time. Did I mention lately how lovely you look tonight?”

The craziest thing about Christina’s oratory? As far as never losing another MMA match again went, she was right. The future held Knockout and Submission of the Night bonus money for both Henry and Christina as well as championship gold. It was never easy to argue with success, vampire fangs aside.