Gates of Hell

“Gates of Hell MMA Gym? Are you sure we’re in the right place?” asked Henry Silva to his girlfriend Christina McKenzie. But why wouldn’t it be the right place? They were both decked out in athletic shorts, Nike shoes, and baggy T-shirts, outfits which were ideal for practicing mixed-martial arts due to their looseness.

“Maybe Gates of Hell is just a really cute name for what really goes on in there,” guessed Christina. “Maybe the trainers are a bunch of drill instructor assholes who give into that warrior spirit crap.”

“Yeah, that’s probably why there are demon masks and skulls in the windows. It might also be why the phrase ‘Gates of Hell’ is in some weird ass gothic font. I don’t know if I’m stumbling upon an MMA gym or a haunted house. I don’t know, Christina, something feels wrong about all of this.”

“Listen to yourself, Henry. You haven’t stepped one foot in this place and already you’re not even giving this place a fair chance. Maybe the people who run this place really like creepy dark fantasy stuff, I don’t know. It can’t be any worse than our last gym. That place smelled like an outhouse. Plus, the trainers couldn’t tell the difference between a kimura and a Pop Tart.”

After running his fingers through his spiky black hair in contemplation, Henry finally gave in and said, “You know what? You’re right. Come on, let’s check this place out.” With no further resistance, the Brazilian capoeira ace and the all-American wrestler entered this freaky establishment.

If Henry and Christina thought this place was terrifying on the outside, the inside would have given weaker folks heart attacks. More demon masks on the wall, more skulls hanging from the ceiling, a purple fog covering the floor, and of course, no MMA gym would be complete without the caged ring and various exercise equipment.

The two warriors walked around this seemingly empty gym awestruck by this entire setup. Was this just a gimmick to help fighters overcome their fears? Was something a little more occult going on here?

Christina McKenzie in particular was so out of it from being creeped out that she failed to notice someone standing behind her. She bumped into him and gasped in fear when she saw a man in MMA shorts wearing one of the demon masks on the wall.

Henry Silva had the same chills when he ran into a woman wearing a gas mask, a sports bra, and surprise, surprise, baggy MMA shorts.

The gentleman in the demon mask said in a deep voice, “Hello. You two must be the ones who called earlier wanting to sign up. My name is Leif Kampmann. I run this gym alongside my girlfriend Olivia Cade. I’m the head striking coach while Olivia will teach you all about grappling and jujitsu.” He started getting a little frisky when he placed a seductive finger underneath Christina’s chin and asked, “Do you have an MMA record, my dear?”

The raven haired wrestler nervously said, “Um, yes, um…I have nine wins and four losses.”

“Nine wins and four losses? Not bad. But it could be better. I’m guessing that’s why you decided to join up with us,” said Leif as he continued to stroke Christina’s chin.

Henry made a throat-clearing sound and said, “Hi there, Leif! You do realize that’s my girlfriend you’re trying to seduce, right? Plus, you said this gas masked chick was already your girlfriend, so you’re probably making her jealous right now.”

Olivia put her delicate hands on Henry’s broad Brazilian shoulders and said, “Jealous? Not me, hon. Jealousy is for weak-minded, hormonal high schoolers. Besides, neither of you came to our establishment to get laid. So why don’t you come with me and I’ll teach you some jujitsu.”

Henry and Christina shrugged their shoulders at each other as their respective “coaches” took them off to separate parts of the gym for training. While Henry was training, he could hear the sharp sounds of both his girlfriend and Leif smacking around a heavy gym bag, which probably qualified as the world’s most intense striking lessons. He shuddered to think what those two did for “sparring sessions”.

The jujitsu training with Olivia was no joke either. She and Henry spent what must have been three whole hours wrestling each other on the padded floor. Try as Henry might to uses his capoeira training to spin out of each submission hold, Olivia knew exactly what she was doing when she made him tap out to various versions of shoulder locks, arm bars, and chokeholds. Henry felt like he could learn a lot from this woman, probably because she kept making him his bitch during these exchanges.

This wasn’t such a bad experience, Henry thought to himself. Décor aside, he could actually improve his MMA game and do better than a measly six wins (decisions), three losses (knockout or TKO), and one no contest (accidental eye poke). And then when Henry applied his first guillotine choke to Olivia, he ripped her gas mask off and revealed something that he was never meant to see: vampire fangs.

While Henry Silva’s lips were quivering and heart was racing as he backed up on his butt, Olivia Cade smiled at him with her vampire fangs and said, “Surprise, surprise. How do you think I got an undefeated record of twelve straight wins? Okay, most of it was because I actually knew how to fight…but it was Leif who turned me on to the dark side! And oh, does the dark side feel so good. You’d love it too if you gave it a try, Henry. What do you say?”

For the longest time, the cat had Henry’s tongue. And then he finally mustered the strength to say, “Are you out of your fucking mind?!” After backing up several more feet and repeatedly ordering Olivia to stay way from him, Henry stumbled to his feet and ran across the gym to where Leif was teaching Christina proper kicking techniques on a heavy punching bag.

Henry grabbed Christina’s arm and said, “Come on, baby girl, we’ve got to get the hell out of here! These guys are goddamn vampires!”

“What?! Hey, let go!” said a resistant Christina, who was half-dragged to the entrance way.

Henry tried opening the door, but it was locked and reinforced with steel. He even threw a few kicks at it for good measure, but it still wouldn’t budge. He then instructed Christina to stand back while he threw a few capoeira spin kicks at the tinted black windows. Even the strongest of Chuck Norris kicks wouldn’t be able to make a scratch. After a while of frustrating results, Henry pounded on the glass windows with his fists like a drum and pleaded to be let go, but no dice.

“Are you through yet?” asked Leif, who was seen standing arm in arm with his girlfriend Olivia, both of them without masks and both of them with vampire fangs showing.

Henry took a few angry deep breaths in and out and yelled, “Listen, you assholes! I may not have the best MMA record in the world today, but if you don’t let me and my girlfriend out of here, I’ll knock both of your oversized fangs down your throat and out of your asses!”

No impromptu fight was about to take place as Henry felt two sharp jabs in his jugular vein coming from behind. It was painful as hell, but it felt so good at the same time, almost like a sexual experience. The vampire bite didn’t come from Leif Kampmann or Olivia Cade. It came from his own lover, Christina McKenzie, who was probably converted to vampirism through Leif.

Henry started crying tears of blood as he knelt down and asked, “Why, sweet god, why? What the hell has gotten into you, Christina?!”

The newly christened vampire lover wrapped her arms around Henry’s neck in a loving embrace and said in a seductive whisper, “It’ll be okay, my love. Everything will be okay. With these vampire powers, we’ll never lose a match again. Once we put in our mouthpieces, nobody will be the wiser. We should come here more often, don’t you think, sugar bear? Don’t worry, you’ll get used to vampirism over time. Did I mention lately how lovely you look tonight?”

The craziest thing about Christina’s oratory? As far as never losing another MMA match again went, she was right. The future held Knockout and Submission of the Night bonus money for both Henry and Christina as well as championship gold. It was never easy to argue with success, vampire fangs aside.

WWE NXT Rival: Hideo Itami vs. Tyler Breeze

MATCH: Hideo Itami vs. Tyler Breeze
PROMOTION: WWE NXT
EVENT: Rival
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


Hideo Itami signing with WWE was a long time coming. In Japan, Itami, then known as KENTA, was a staple of his home country’s pro-wrestling. The number of championships and awards he won while wrestling in Japan is absolutely ridiculous. The Wrestling Observer Newsletter readership took a huge liking to him since he won Best Wrestling Maneuver in 2006 and 2007 (Go 2 Sleep) and was one half of the Tag Team of the Year in 2003 and 2004. The award-winning move known as the Go 2 Sleep is a fireman’s carry into a knockout knee to the face.

CM Punk used that move to win multiple world championships in the WWE from 2006 to 2014 when he retired from wrestling. Another KENTA move that was used by a WWE superstar was the Busaiku Knee, which is basically a running knee to the opponent’s face (he sure loves kneeing people in the face). Daniel Bryan, who’s been with the WWE since 2010, uses the Busaiku Knee as his finishing move and won many world championships himself with that move. The newly christened Hideo Itami was a godsend to WWE NXT.

One NXT staple who didn’t exactly greet Mr. Itami with a warm welcome was Tyler Breeze. After Hideo Itami had a successful feud with The Ascension (Konnor and Viktor), he and Tyler Breeze were part of a tournament to determine the number one contender for the NXT Championship, which at the time was held by Sami Zayn. Itami and Breeze’s first encounter together was in the quarterfinals of that tournament. Hideo won in convincing fashion, but was defeated in the semifinals by longtime friend Finn Balor (formerly known as Prince Devitt in Japan).

The “Hero of Pain” wasn’t sour at all about losing to Finn Balor. He was sour, however, when Tyler Breeze beat him up in the locker room shortly after conducting an interview with Devin Taylor. Tyler, who had been hanging around in number one contender situations for a long time now, was sickened that an “uggo” like Hideo Itami would keep him from another crack at the NXT Title. And now we’ve got a rivalry that needs to be settled. What better place to settle it than NXT Takeover: Rival?

From the beginning of this match, it was highly apparent that Tyler Breeze and Hideo Itami learned a lot about each other after their first match. They countered pretty much every move they could throw at each other and did so in an intelligent and athletic fashion. Remember, these two wrestlers are known for their speed, agility, and technique. If they’re going to move away from each other’s moves, they’re going to do so like a bolt of lightning. The feeling out process was fast and furious, which is weird for a feeling out process.

And then Tyler Breeze got the idea to target Hideo Itami’s legs. The Japanese superstar was at one time an amateur kick boxer, so when he kicks you, you’re going to feel it until the grave. Hell, it might be an early grave if he kicks you in the right place. Twisting Hideo’s legs in painful submission holds, dropping knees and elbows on them, even the occasional Dragon Screw (which is throwing someone down by their calf muscles) came off as intelligent strategy by Tyler Breeze. There was even one point in the match when Tyler not only slammed Hideo’s knees against the ring post, but also performed a Figure Four Leg Lock on them with the steel ring post as the fulcrum between Hideo’s legs and his groin. Ouch!

But if there’s one thing about Hideo Itami fans of Japanese wrestling know, it’s that no matter how savagely beaten up he is, his opponents will never take away his warrior spirit. If you had to spend years on end training for six hours a day in a wrestling dojo and then having to scrub down the gym, do laundry, and cook meals for the experienced wrestlers, you’d have a hard time giving up your warrior spirit as well (that is, if you don’t quit your first day).

Even with one injured leg after Tyler Breeze’s constant aggression, Hideo Itami still found the resolve to throw disgustingly strong kicks. And when Hideo threw them, Tyler sold them to perfection. “Prince Pretty” flew around the ring and grimaced in severe pain after each strike. Then again, even if you’re a wrestler who no-sells all of your opponents, you pretty much have no choice after taking a kick to the ribs, legs, and head. Even a lower corner drop kick is hard to regain oxygen from. And then we had the exciting finish to this match in the books: Hideo Itami knocking Tyler Breeze loopy with a single leg dropkick appropriately known as the Shotgun Kick. One, two, three, and your winner is Hideo Itami in a match that could be accused of stealing the entire show.

Ever since that historic badass match, Hideo and Tyler continued to feud over the number one contender status of the NXT Championship, which was taken away from Sami Zayn at Takeover: Rival by 300-lb. Canadian juggernaut Kevin Owens. Some matches Tyler Breeze won while others Hideo Itami won. There was supposed to be a triple threat number one contender’s match at NXT Takeover: Unstoppable between Breeze, Itami, and Finn Balor. The match was watered down to a one-on-one battle when Hideo Itami suffered a serious shoulder injury that would keep him out for six to eight months.

If you haven’t learned anything about Hideo Itami from watching Japanese wrestling, then you should have learned something from watching him on NXT programming on the WWE Network. This guy doesn’t quit for anything. You can punch him, kick him, break every bone in his body, but as long as he still has the tiniest puff of breath in his lungs, he’ll never give up. A shoulder injury is just another obstacle for him to conquer, which he’ll no doubt do in convincing fashion. The rise of the Japanese warrior has only begun. Konnor and Viktor of The Ascension were the first to fall. Tyler Breeze was the second. When Hideo Itami returns to action, there will be a third.