Medicine Man

Maggot therapy wasn’t the prettiest form of medicine nor was it the safest. And yet, Tetra Engel knew he had to have it. It was his sister Lily’s only chance at survival. Dressed in brown rags with a demon mask over his face, Tetra took deep breaths in and out in order to calm his nerves. One wrong move could mean certain death. Then again, knowing that there was arguing going on inside the Church of Darkness could prove to be a worthy distraction for those guarding the maggot farm.

Tetra pulled out a rope with a hook at the end of it and twirled it over his head. As the whooshing noises were getting progressively louder, he threw the hook with all of his might and hit his target: the rim of the church’s roof. He was certain the maggot farm was on the top level and getting in through the roof would be his best shot at stealing the medicine.

With the hook firmly grasping its target, Tetra held the rope and walked up the wall of the church. His faith in maggot therapy was met with stomach wrenching anxiety as he saw the designs in the multi-colored windows. He saw minotaurs slashing the throats of small children with sling blades, death angels breathing fire on veiled women, and dragons spitting acid on helpless farm animals. Such violent imagery caused Tetra to puke in his mouth a little bit as he was scaling the wall.

His blood also started to chill when he heard the argument within the church intensifying. Voices were throatier and louder. Plus, the sounds of weapons clanging together and wooden furniture breaking didn’t relieve Tetra’s anxiety any further. He took a break from climbing and wiped the cold sweat off of his forehead. He also spit out some bile onto the street below and then continued climbing until he reached the tiptop of the church.

The rooftop was ordinary enough with its flat stone surface. Nothing unusual there. And then Tetra Engel saw the steeple, which depicted a baldheaded vampire chowing down on a unicorn’s neck and splattering blood every which way. “God, these people are fucking disgusting!” said Tetra silently to himself.

Before the cunning rogue could take his first step, the middle smashed open and a purple light beam shone from within the church. Flying from that magical beam was a dark-skinned woman with a red Mohawk, a black halter top, and black baggy jeans. As she rolled backwards toward Tetra, the metal spear she was carrying dropped in his lap. Tetra tossed the spear aside and crawled over to get a closer look at her.

As soon as he saw who she was, the thief cowered backwards in an anxiety-driven crabwalk until he was at the corner of the roof. Being a thief gave Tetra a certain level of street wisdom. This woman was Anya Kolobalos, the leader of the Blood Dagger Syndicate. Anybody who messed with her would end up as a little shit on the floor after she gutted them alive with her spear and drank their blood like religious Kool-Aid.

Anybody except the dark paladin who sprouted black demon wings and flew gracefully up the purple light beam and onto the rooftop. This man was Jax Nightshade, the innovator of maggot therapy and the city’s most vile businessman. His black trench coat and steel armor underneath gave him that villainous look he always wanted. The baldheaded, dark-skinned knight slowly walked over to Anya and Tetra with a bloody smile on his face.

“Well, well, well, it looks like we’re not alone after all, Anya. I didn’t know my church had a rat infestation. In fact, those are the two biggest rats I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Jax in a smooth baritone voice that sent chills up Tetra’s spine. “Which one of you shall I exterminate first? Should I just play a game of spin the bottle? How about ink-a-dink? Or maybe I’ll just take both of you at the same time. Yeah, that’ll be lovely!”

Tetra stuttered, “L-L-Listen, Mr. Nightshade. I didn’t come here for any trouble. I just want s-s-s-s-ome of your maggots. My sister Lilly has breast cancer and I was hoping th-th-th-that…”

“Shut up, you sniveling cretin!” shouted Jax in a voice that mustered up intense winds. He smiled evilly once again and said, “Of course, if you want to have access to my maggots, you’ll have to pay just like everyone else. But judging from those rags you’re wearing, it doesn’t look like you have deep pockets full of gold. Couple that with the fact that you came here through the rooftop instead of the front doors and I know exactly what’s going on. You’re a thief. You’re a liar. You’re a fucking sewer rat!”

This arguing allowed Anya enough time to pick herself and her spear off the ground before charging at Jax with rapid fire thrusts. Jax held a purple cloud of energy in his hand like a shield and blocked every single one of those shots with perfection. The dark paladin then slapped the gangster across the face and sent her rolling to the ground. He jumped on her chest and began raining down punches with green lightning around his fists. Anya covered her face with her arms before reaching up with her free leg and placing a kick to the back of Jax’s head to stop the assault.

The dark paladin rolled off of the gangster and clutched the back of his head in mock pain. He even let out some unconvincing “ouches”. Anya tried to pick herself up off the ground again, but her arms were fried and she couldn’t get a stable grip. Out of the corners of their eyes, the two of them saw Tetra trying to pick the lock to the trap door that lead into the maggot farm.

“Hey! Those are mine, bitch!” screamed Anya as she crawled agonizingly across the roof. Tetra shot up and said, “Uh-oh!” while looking for a way out. He tried to run back to the grappling hook, but was intercepted by a flying Jax Nightshade, who grabbed the thief by his neck with one hand and hoisted him in the air.

“Why didn’t you tell me you wanted off of this roof? You can fly like a birdie if you want!” said Jax with a sick smile and gritted teeth. He dragged Tetra kicking and wheezing by his neck to the edge of the roof. Still holding the thief by his throat, Jax dangled him over the edge and forced him to look at the street below.

Tetra’s vision was fading from being strangled, but when he saw how high he was off the ground, his stomach had a knot the size of a watermelon and his eyes were tearing up like rivers. He thought of his cancer-stricken sister Lilly and how he had failed her not only as a caregiver, but also as a brother. His last supply of oxygen would be spent thinking of how shitty of a way this was to die. His eyelids were getting heavy and he was ready to sleep his life away.

And then Jax let go of his grip and Tetra got a whirlwind of oxygen back into his lungs. He snapped back to reality and had enough alertness to grab the rope next to him and hold on for dear life. His hacking and wheezing caused him to slip down a few notches, but not without looking up and seeing Jax Nightshade with a metal spear through his head. The dark paladin’s purple and green magic faded out and he fell over the edge of the church, hitting the ground with a sickening thud and a bloody splatter. The spear went all the way through his head upon impact and spread his brains all over the cement ground.

Tetra heard the sounds of Anya moaning in pain. Her burned arms gave their last ounce of strength when they put the spear through Jax’s head. This was Tetra’s chance to break into the maggot farm. With the little strength he had left after being choked, the rogue pulled himself up the rope while grunting and straining along the way. He fell down a few notches, but then started walking along the wall like he did before. He made it over the lip of the roof and rolled around on the stone floor. He laid there for a while taking deep breaths in and out and smiling to himself.

And then his breathing was hindered when he felt the presence of Anya Kolobalos sitting on his stomach with her bloody and blackened fist raised high. Her other fist grabbed Tetra’s hair and she said, “I have had it with you fucking street rats! I’ve still got one more punch left in me and guess who’s going to get it!”

Tetra grabbed hold of Anya’s hair-grabbing arm and sunk his teeth into the fried meat. She squealed and rolled on the ground in pain afterwards while bleeding all over the rooftop. The thief took a few more deep breaths and rolled over to pick himself up. Anya tried to do the same, but Tetra quickly wrapped his arms around her waist, hoisted her up, and used the last of his dying strength to suplex her over the edge. The gangster hit the ground doubled over and snapped her neck while shattering her skull on the pavement.

The thief looked over the lip of the roof and smiled in satisfaction as he saw two of the biggest scumbags lying on the ground dead and bloodied. “What a couple of morons,” he said to himself while laying on the ground and catching his breath once more. Those maggots were as good as his.

The next morning, Tetra, without his demon mask, crept happily into Lilly’s bedroom and saw her lying in her bed peacefully with a smile on her face and her hands folded in front of her. Even with a bald head and a weak body, she still looked like a beautiful warrior. “Pssp! Lilly, wake up! I have something for you!”

The sickly woman slowly stirred from her sleep and looked up at her brother with hopeful eyes. “Good morning, Tetra! Did you get the medicine?”

“I sure did. I got all the medicine you’ll ever need,” said Tetra as he pulled a jar of hungry black maggots out of his coat. At first, Lilly’s face was covered in anxious fear. “Don’t worry, dear sister. This will help. I know it will. Trust me.” He opened the jar and poured the maggots all over her cancerous left breast.

The sensation of magical maggots digging into her flesh felt like a massage when it was first happening. And then it felt ticklish, which put giggles in Lilly’s throat. And then she started arching her back in agony. She wanted to scream, but couldn’t because blood was pouring out of her mouth.

Tetra grabbed his sister by the arms and shouted, “Lilly! Don’t die on me! What the hell is going on here?! Fight it! Fight!” It was too late. The maggots ate through her breast and chowed down on her lungs and heart. Her face was covered in the vomit and blood she spit out. She was dead.

Tears were forming in Tetra’s eyes as he backed away and slowly sat down against the wall. Mild tears turned to loud sobs. And loud sobs turned to shouts of “Fuck!” and “Shit!” Curse words turned to fists pounding against the ground and wall. Tetra was a thief, which meant tricking people was part of his job. The irony wasn’t lost on him. He fucked up big time and lost his sister because of it. All he wanted to do was die and meet his sister in the afterlife. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was that he bought into Jax Nightshade’s bullshit. “The Church of Darkness? What a crock!” he shouted to himself.

His suicidal thoughts were racing harder in his mind when he took a look inside the jar and saw there were still some maggots left. “What the hell?” he said. “I’ll probably taste better than piss-flavored beer.”

Gates of Hell

“Gates of Hell MMA Gym? Are you sure we’re in the right place?” asked Henry Silva to his girlfriend Christina McKenzie. But why wouldn’t it be the right place? They were both decked out in athletic shorts, Nike shoes, and baggy T-shirts, outfits which were ideal for practicing mixed-martial arts due to their looseness.

“Maybe Gates of Hell is just a really cute name for what really goes on in there,” guessed Christina. “Maybe the trainers are a bunch of drill instructor assholes who give into that warrior spirit crap.”

“Yeah, that’s probably why there are demon masks and skulls in the windows. It might also be why the phrase ‘Gates of Hell’ is in some weird ass gothic font. I don’t know if I’m stumbling upon an MMA gym or a haunted house. I don’t know, Christina, something feels wrong about all of this.”

“Listen to yourself, Henry. You haven’t stepped one foot in this place and already you’re not even giving this place a fair chance. Maybe the people who run this place really like creepy dark fantasy stuff, I don’t know. It can’t be any worse than our last gym. That place smelled like an outhouse. Plus, the trainers couldn’t tell the difference between a kimura and a Pop Tart.”

After running his fingers through his spiky black hair in contemplation, Henry finally gave in and said, “You know what? You’re right. Come on, let’s check this place out.” With no further resistance, the Brazilian capoeira ace and the all-American wrestler entered this freaky establishment.

If Henry and Christina thought this place was terrifying on the outside, the inside would have given weaker folks heart attacks. More demon masks on the wall, more skulls hanging from the ceiling, a purple fog covering the floor, and of course, no MMA gym would be complete without the caged ring and various exercise equipment.

The two warriors walked around this seemingly empty gym awestruck by this entire setup. Was this just a gimmick to help fighters overcome their fears? Was something a little more occult going on here?

Christina McKenzie in particular was so out of it from being creeped out that she failed to notice someone standing behind her. She bumped into him and gasped in fear when she saw a man in MMA shorts wearing one of the demon masks on the wall.

Henry Silva had the same chills when he ran into a woman wearing a gas mask, a sports bra, and surprise, surprise, baggy MMA shorts.

The gentleman in the demon mask said in a deep voice, “Hello. You two must be the ones who called earlier wanting to sign up. My name is Leif Kampmann. I run this gym alongside my girlfriend Olivia Cade. I’m the head striking coach while Olivia will teach you all about grappling and jujitsu.” He started getting a little frisky when he placed a seductive finger underneath Christina’s chin and asked, “Do you have an MMA record, my dear?”

The raven haired wrestler nervously said, “Um, yes, um…I have nine wins and four losses.”

“Nine wins and four losses? Not bad. But it could be better. I’m guessing that’s why you decided to join up with us,” said Leif as he continued to stroke Christina’s chin.

Henry made a throat-clearing sound and said, “Hi there, Leif! You do realize that’s my girlfriend you’re trying to seduce, right? Plus, you said this gas masked chick was already your girlfriend, so you’re probably making her jealous right now.”

Olivia put her delicate hands on Henry’s broad Brazilian shoulders and said, “Jealous? Not me, hon. Jealousy is for weak-minded, hormonal high schoolers. Besides, neither of you came to our establishment to get laid. So why don’t you come with me and I’ll teach you some jujitsu.”

Henry and Christina shrugged their shoulders at each other as their respective “coaches” took them off to separate parts of the gym for training. While Henry was training, he could hear the sharp sounds of both his girlfriend and Leif smacking around a heavy gym bag, which probably qualified as the world’s most intense striking lessons. He shuddered to think what those two did for “sparring sessions”.

The jujitsu training with Olivia was no joke either. She and Henry spent what must have been three whole hours wrestling each other on the padded floor. Try as Henry might to uses his capoeira training to spin out of each submission hold, Olivia knew exactly what she was doing when she made him tap out to various versions of shoulder locks, arm bars, and chokeholds. Henry felt like he could learn a lot from this woman, probably because she kept making him his bitch during these exchanges.

This wasn’t such a bad experience, Henry thought to himself. Décor aside, he could actually improve his MMA game and do better than a measly six wins (decisions), three losses (knockout or TKO), and one no contest (accidental eye poke). And then when Henry applied his first guillotine choke to Olivia, he ripped her gas mask off and revealed something that he was never meant to see: vampire fangs.

While Henry Silva’s lips were quivering and heart was racing as he backed up on his butt, Olivia Cade smiled at him with her vampire fangs and said, “Surprise, surprise. How do you think I got an undefeated record of twelve straight wins? Okay, most of it was because I actually knew how to fight…but it was Leif who turned me on to the dark side! And oh, does the dark side feel so good. You’d love it too if you gave it a try, Henry. What do you say?”

For the longest time, the cat had Henry’s tongue. And then he finally mustered the strength to say, “Are you out of your fucking mind?!” After backing up several more feet and repeatedly ordering Olivia to stay way from him, Henry stumbled to his feet and ran across the gym to where Leif was teaching Christina proper kicking techniques on a heavy punching bag.

Henry grabbed Christina’s arm and said, “Come on, baby girl, we’ve got to get the hell out of here! These guys are goddamn vampires!”

“What?! Hey, let go!” said a resistant Christina, who was half-dragged to the entrance way.

Henry tried opening the door, but it was locked and reinforced with steel. He even threw a few kicks at it for good measure, but it still wouldn’t budge. He then instructed Christina to stand back while he threw a few capoeira spin kicks at the tinted black windows. Even the strongest of Chuck Norris kicks wouldn’t be able to make a scratch. After a while of frustrating results, Henry pounded on the glass windows with his fists like a drum and pleaded to be let go, but no dice.

“Are you through yet?” asked Leif, who was seen standing arm in arm with his girlfriend Olivia, both of them without masks and both of them with vampire fangs showing.

Henry took a few angry deep breaths in and out and yelled, “Listen, you assholes! I may not have the best MMA record in the world today, but if you don’t let me and my girlfriend out of here, I’ll knock both of your oversized fangs down your throat and out of your asses!”

No impromptu fight was about to take place as Henry felt two sharp jabs in his jugular vein coming from behind. It was painful as hell, but it felt so good at the same time, almost like a sexual experience. The vampire bite didn’t come from Leif Kampmann or Olivia Cade. It came from his own lover, Christina McKenzie, who was probably converted to vampirism through Leif.

Henry started crying tears of blood as he knelt down and asked, “Why, sweet god, why? What the hell has gotten into you, Christina?!”

The newly christened vampire lover wrapped her arms around Henry’s neck in a loving embrace and said in a seductive whisper, “It’ll be okay, my love. Everything will be okay. With these vampire powers, we’ll never lose a match again. Once we put in our mouthpieces, nobody will be the wiser. We should come here more often, don’t you think, sugar bear? Don’t worry, you’ll get used to vampirism over time. Did I mention lately how lovely you look tonight?”

The craziest thing about Christina’s oratory? As far as never losing another MMA match again went, she was right. The future held Knockout and Submission of the Night bonus money for both Henry and Christina as well as championship gold. It was never easy to argue with success, vampire fangs aside.