***SELF-FORGIVENESS***
One of the things you learn about yourself as a creative
person is how hard you can be on yourself when you hit near-bottom. Maybe you
hate your rough draft so much that it’s food for the paper shredder. Maybe you
didn’t meet your deadline quickly enough and things fall to shit. Or if you’re
anything like me, the biggest sin you can commit is not getting anything done
for a whole day. At the end of that day, what does punishing yourself really do
for your productivity? Nothing. In fact, it’s less productive than doing
nothing at all. It’s counterproductive!
Learning self-forgiveness for your creative “sins” is a
skill that needs to be sharpened by all artists at some point. Some days are
productive and you can pump out entire novels in one day. Some days are slow
and sluggish and all you want to do is nap. For the latter of those two days,
even if the reasons for being exhausted are legitimate, there’s always a
negative voice telling you to “suck it up” or whatever other tough love phrase
comes to mind. Hell, one of the ways I try to wake myself up for the day is by
slapping myself in the face. It doesn’t actually do anything; it’s just
unnecessary physical pain.
If you have a mental illness like me, self-forgiveness is
more important than ever. Punishing yourself can be a symptom of this illness
and it’ll only make you feel more depressed than before. Just because the world
can’t see your illness, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It could be the medication
making you tired. It could be the illness itself. It could be a hermit
lifestyle. It could be a fucked up sleep schedule. Whatever it is, something is
weighing you down and it’s okay to admit it. Part of learning to forgive
yourself is acknowledging that you have a problem to begin with. Pushing it
down until it festers isn’t “manly” or “macho”. In fact, opening up takes a lot
of strength in and of itself.
Yes, I admit that it can be hard to open up and admit your
worries whenever you see authors out there professing that you must write X
number of pages a day or X number of letters or words. While that can be good
advice at times, it’s also important that they’re not hard-and-fast rules.
There’s no one definition for what a writing goal should be because every
author is different. What works for one author won’t work for another. If an
author is mentally ill like I am, then writing X number of words/letters per
day is damned near impossible. If you need to take it easy on yourself, then
don’t feel shame for it.
Even Chris Brecheen (the admin of Writing About Writing)
knows how important self-care is. Yes, he posts memes on Face Book almost every
day saying some form of “You Should Be Writing”. He’s not doing it to be
malicious or arrogant. He’s doing it because he wants his readership to succeed.
But even Mr. Brecheen knows that certain factors can get in the way of doing
so, mental illness being chief among them. He admits to not being an expert on
the topic of mental illness, but his empathy speaks volumes when he’s giving
his warmhearted advice to depressed writers. I fucking love this guy. I really
do.
One of the things Chris tells the mentally ill people who
ask him questions about word limits is that there are no set limits. It’s part
of the reason why he hates NaNoWriMo, because writing 1,667 words a day is
unrealistic and it can wear on an author’s psyche. Maybe the word count should
only be a few sentences. Maybe it’s somewhere below five hundred. The point is,
do only what you can manage. As long as you’re doing something, you’re sharpening
your skills. And if you don’t do something for that day, don’t beat yourself up
over it. Try again tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after. And the day
after. Eventually you’ll have a good day and be a writing machine.
If you want to write a quirky Face Book post, do that. If
you want to write a letter to someone, do that too. If you just want to write a
Tumbler or Twitter post, that’ll make your writing strong too. Rome
If you have a creative person in your life and he or she is
feeling down, don’t judge that person. Lend a helping hand. Squeeze their
shoulders. Ruffle their hair. Help them with their chores. Do whatever you have
to do to keep that person from spiraling downward. Self-forgiveness isn’t just
some “pseudo new age BS”. It’s something we all have to do eventually. The lack
of self-forgiveness in the mentally ill can actually lead to suicide in some
cases. I remember when I first started having schizophrenic symptoms in 2002.
My head voices affected my work rate to where I wanted to kill myself. I got
the help I needed and I’m a better person for it. Granted, I still have days
where all I want to do is nap and be lazy. Then again, lazy days are a part of
the human experience. It’s not weakness. It’s pain.
I’m still learning how to forgive myself for my least
productive days. Like I said, it’s a skill that needs to be practiced every
waking day. But just like the writing process itself, moving along slowly is
better than standing still. Although I will never threaten suicide again, it’s
still important for me and all of the writers out there to take good care of
ourselves. You can do this. You can conquer. You’ve got this! I’m Garrison
Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain! Man, those
Three Days Grace lyrics never felt more important than they do now.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“It’s such a rainy afternoon. No point in going anywhere.
The sounds just drift across my room. I wish this feeling I could share. It’s
such a rainy afternoon. She sits and gazes from her window. Her mind tries to
recall his face. The feeling deep inside her grows.”
-Snippet from “The Actor” by The Moody Blues-
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