National Novel Writing Month

There comes a time in every writer’s life, preferably every November, that he has to ask himself if he’s going to participate in National Novel Writing Month. It’s not an official contest, it’s just a challenge for all authors to pump out a novel before the end of November. You want to know my answer to this riddle? Not only no, but hell no. NaNoWriMo requires its participants to create on the fly. No preparation, no pre-writing, no planning of any kind, just straight up improvisation. I don’t operate that way. If I wanted to improvise so badly, I’d join the cast of Whose Line Is It Anyway? Or Second City, one of those groups. If I was to just drop everything I’m doing right now and write random shit I think of at the top of my head, not only might I get stuck in the middle of it, but my novel will suck. Call me a perfectionist, but I want my first drafts to be at least tolerable so that I don’t have much work to do when it comes time to edit. That’s why whenever I come up with ideas for novels, I have to do it far in advance so that everything’s planned out and nothing sucks. I’m currently writing a three-part novel called Brawl-Mart and it was planned out from beginning to end. I’ve finished parts one and two (Occupy Wrestling and Filter Feeder respectively) and all I have left of part three (Debt of Pain) is eight chapters of action. I would have completed the whole novel a lot sooner than anticipated, but lately I’ve been slowing down my writing schedule due to mental exhaustion and being bogged down by other projects. That’s another reason why I don’t participate in NaNoWriMo, because I can’t energize my mind long enough to get anything done in a timely fashion. It may take the entire month, it may take a whole fucking year. Either way, it may come out forced and therefore, it might suck, which is as I’ve stated before not what I want when writing a first draft. If anything, November will be dedicated to finishing those remaining eight chapters of Brawl Mart Pt. 3: Debt of Pain. And then after that, who knows where I’ll go from there. I have two ideas for novels sitting in my reserve folder as of now: Gangster’s Paradise (memoir of an anti-gang serial killer) and a nonfiction memoir of my life in middle school, high school, and college which I’m still debating the title of. I may develop more ideas beyond these and if I do, you all will be the first ones to know. Until then, I’m going to spend November doing essentially the same thing as everyone else: stuffing my face full of mashed potatoes and turkey. I won’t be watching any football since football is a boring sport with annoyingly loud fans. I’ll just stick to UFC and WWE for my athletic fix.

　

***MIXED-MARTIAL ARTS QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“The judges are giving out 10-8’s like it’s fucking Christmas.”

-Dana White on an episode of “The Ultimate Fighter: Team Nelson vs. Team Carwin”-

Multiple Readings

Here’s something I may never understand: why is it that people like to say that they’re going to read a particular book more than once? They say things like “I like it so much that I can’t wait to read it again!” While lip service to a good book is admirable, I have to ask why someone would go to these extremes. You have to understand that while reading is an enjoyable hobby for a lot of people, it’s also hard work. It’s like a marine saying that he wants to go through boot camp again because he got such a great workout from the obstacle courses. While reading isn’t nearly as torturous as running an obstacle course at five in the morning, it still takes a great deal of effort and dedication to do. I loved reading “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky, but I don’t need to read it twice in order to prove my devotion to the author or his work. Another issue I have with the idea of multiple readings is that once you read a book, you already know what happens and the element of surprise is spoiled. When I read a book, I’m already resigned to the idea that everything will be okay by the story’s end. For me, it’s not so much IF a happy ending occurs, it’s HOW. All of these problems have to have some kind of solution, preferably one I didn’t think of beforehand. If I was to read “Pipsqueak” by Brian M. Wiprud a second time, I would already know how Garth Carson and his kin defeat the cultists. For the sake of making you all buy your own damn copies of the book, I won’t spoil the ending for anybody. That’s one of the points of reading: to find out what happens. Sure, you could skip to the back of the book and find out that way, but where’s the adventure and sense of accomplishment in that? You know why we have a website called Good Reads? So that people can go online and brag about the books they’ve read in the past. How exactly are you going to earn your bragging rights if you skip to the back of the book like a cheater? And just so you know, Good Reads doesn’t have a place on your “To-Read” list for how many times you’ve read a book, so I guess it’s not that honorable after all. I have over 60 books on my “To-Read” list and they’re all sitting on my bookshelf here at home. How exactly are all 60 plus books going to get read if I’m stuck on “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” or “Pipsqueak” indefinitely? Seems like a waste of money to just let those books sit in queue like that. You want to know what I’m really trying to say here? Actually, I don’t have much to say, just something to ask. Why on earth would someone want to read a book more than once (aside from not completing it the first time and forgetting what happened)?

　

***CELEBRITY QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“There are two motives for reading a book. One, that you enjoy it. The other, that you can boast about it [on Good Reads].”

-Bertrand Russell-

"Pipsqueak" by Brian M. Wiprud

Murder, kidnappings, ass-beatings, and cultism…over a stuffed squirrel that used to be part of Garth Carson’s favorite TV show back in the 60’s and 70’s. As crazy as that sounds, this actually is a believable mystery as you get further and further into the book. Yes, it’s extremely silly at times and Garth Carson can be a quirky narrator, but it’s still a believable mystery despite the fact that it’s all over a stuffed puppet. Yes, the stuffed puppet is worth hundreds and thousands of dollars. But the deeper you dig into this novel, the more complicated the circumstances become. Believe it or not, this was the novel that was going to make or break Brian M. Wiprud’s career as a writer. He was taking a huge chance with all the silly descriptions he put in the book, but in the end, it paid off and Pipsqueak is a highly popular mystery novel. You want to hear one of my favorite descriptions in the book? Near the end, there’s a group of leggy dancers in feather boas akin to the Las Vegas showgirls we’re accustomed to seeing. Garth Carson, the story’s narrator, could have said anything he wanted about the way they danced around. What he chose to compare their routine to was Nazi goose-stepping. That’s right, boys and girls. He compared a bunch of gorgeous feathery dancers to Nazis. Of course, it was only a comparison to the way both parties moved, but still, it’s giggly to think about. You may have to wait a long time to read that description since it’s near the novel’s conclusion, but not to worry: this book is peppered with goofy descriptions that will either get a smile out of you or a deep chuckle. I don’t want to play the role of spoiler for you guys, so I’m just going to tell you all to buy a copy of Pipsqueak and make it a part of your growing library. You do have a growing library, right? There has to be more on those shelves of yours than just DVD’s and Blu-Ray’s. Who knows? Maybe you have some Playboy magazines on your library shelves, but I’m sure people will believe you when you say you read them just for the thrilling articles. Whatever you do though, when you march to your local bookstore in search of Pipsqueak, make sure you’re not doing a Nazi goose-step or else Garth Carson may call you out. Or he may call you a Cola Woman. Or Cola Man. Either way, prepare for the craziest book you’re going to read in a while. If you need an autographed copy, don’t even bother, because it’s hard to use a pen when you’re in a straightjacket. Hint, hint, wink, wink!

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

-George Carlin-

Mean Businesses

It seems as though every time someone enters a job that involves celebrity status of some kind, there’s always somebody telling them that whatever they’re getting into is a “mean business”. I can understand why someone would say those words about MMA, wrestling, or any other athletic activity: there’s a lot of testosterone flying around and raging criticism is bound to happen. But why exactly would something like literature or movies be considered “mean businesses”? Let’s be honest: it doesn’t take a whole lot of hateful aggression to read a book or to watch a movie. I’ll tell you where the term “mean business” comes from. It comes from the idea that just because we live in a democratic society, it automatically grants us the right to be a verbal bully. In America, that right is documented under the first amendment of the constitution. Freedom of speech is good to have, but when the mediums we love turn into “mean businesses”, that’s when things get out of control quickly. If you need proof, just watch an episode of TMZ. They’re always getting a chuckle out of a celebrity being too fat for her bikini or saying something slightly off-color. If you need further proof, look no further than the Sunday morning newspaper, where a critic will rip a book to shreds in more ways than one. When did it become acceptable to be spiteful people? I will admit that I get caught up in the moment as well when it comes to joining the “mean business” politics. In fact, I’ve been very vocal against the Republican Party for their role in the current government shutdown going on. It’s well documented that I receive disability payments and food stamps due to my schizophrenia and autism. What everyone here may not know is that my mother works for the Environmental Protection Agency and is the biggest source of income my immediate family has. Naturally, I was furious with the Republicans, but only because lives are on the line during a government shutdown. I don’t really see how someone writing an awful book constitutes the right to be an asshole about it. I wasn’t a big fan of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”, but I would never under any circumstances dance on Stiegg Larsson’s grave because of it. The first amendment has way too much room for abuse. Isn’t that right, Fred Phelps? All I’m asking from the celebrity sphere is, can we all just calm the fuck down for the first time in our lives? I’m not saying you have to wear yoga pants and yell out “Namaste” every time somebody passes you on the streets. I’m just saying that killing a Twilight fan for being of the wrong side of the Jacob-Edward spectrum is a TAD bit extreme.

　

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do you call two gay Vikings?

A: Leif partners.

"Walking Disaster" by Jamie McGuire

I’ve been reading books and watching movies long enough to know that the happy ending is inevitable. And yet, despite the predictability, I keep on reading or watching because it’s not IF the happy ending happens, it’s HOW. Such is the case with “Walking Disaster” by Jamie McGuire. As you read the beginning of the book, you start to wonder how exactly an underground fighter with a hair-trigger temper like Travis Maddox ever falls in love with the ultra-beautiful Abby Abernathy. It is easy to understand where Travis gets his anger from: in the beginning, his mother dies and he’s raised by his testosterone-pumped brothers and father. Ever since then, Travis made his money by beating the shit out of people and finds yet another outlet for his anger by bringing random chicks to his apartment and having emotionless sex with them before kicking them out. When he meets Abby Abernathy, Travis has to find a way to keep his anger under control so that he doesn’t drive away his one last chance at true romance. Abby isn’t a saint either since she too has a “doesn’t take shit from anybody” attitude. I hate to break it to you hopeless romantics out there, but when you combine a dynamite shack with a bomb vest, you’re not getting new age music. How exactly do these two styles mesh and make for a happy ending? Let’s just say that it’s a long and hellish road like most relationships are. If you’re not in love with the language Travis uses to narrate his story, then at least give Mrs. McGuire credit for making the story realistic and making her characters earn their respective endings. It takes 430 pages in change to get to that happy point, but it’s worth every page. With the way Travis narrates his own story, you can expect a quick reading pace, so the 400 plus pages go by rather fast. Before I put a rubber stamp on this favorable review and call it a day, I should tell you all that Jamie McGuire, before being published under the Simon & Schuster banner, started out as an independent author. It turns out her book landed in the lap of the right people and ever since then she’s been a New York Times bestseller. I bought this book because I support independent authors, since I am one myself. If McGuire continues to write wonderful books like this one, then I’ll keep on tossing money her way. It’s that simple.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“The sweetest kiss I’ve ever got is the one I’ve never tasted.”

-Rodriguez singing “Cause”-