A Bastard Sword in a Haystack

Butterflies flapped all around Elizabeth Dempsey as she laid on her back with her hands behind her long brown hair. With the comfort of the grass beneath her, she nearly drifted off into dreamland in this forest she called home. The only thing that kept her awake was one butterfly landing on her nose and flapping its golden wings. Ticklish as that sensation was, she let it slide. She smiled at the heavenly nature around her. The tallest trees protected her from the outside world. The butterflies were her best friends. Occasionally a squirrel would run up to her and she’d feed the little guy a handful of nuts. If not for her ranger duties, she could sleep here forever eating berries and veggies.

And then the distant sound of boots tromping on the ground startled the butterflies and squirrels. They sped away to higher ground while Elizabeth’s eyes were wide open and filled with frustration. “Goddamn it,” she said to herself. She fixed her green cloak, brown tunic, and green baggy pants before snatching up her bow and arrows and nipping up to see what the fuss was about. The longer she stalled, the louder the boots became. “Show time.” She pulled her hood over her head and scaled the nearest tree with the dexterity of a cat.

With one arrow plucked from her quiver, she pulled back on the string ready to fire at a moment’s notice. Whoever disturbed her peaceful new age moment was getting an arrow to the chest if he didn’t have any quick answers. The thumping grew louder and more intense, so much so that Elizabeth almost fell from her perch. “Come on, you big goof, get your butt over here so I can shoot you already.”

And then the source of the noise appeared on the dirt trail huffing and puffing, his massive palms engorging his kneecaps. Elizabeth couldn’t believe her eyes, even going so far as to lower her weapon. This clumsy oaf was at least seven feet tall…and he wore a purple ninja mask, no tunic to cover his muscles, and only tight-fitting purple pants and a pair of metal boots to barely cover the rest of him. “A walking contradiction if I’ve ever seen one,” said Elizabeth under her breath.

The ranger dropped down and landed perfectly on the soles of her leather boots, thinking she was at least a little safer than before. “You made a mistake coming here, my friend. You ran away from one problem and now you find yourself in another. All I wanted was some peace and quiet and you pissed that all away for me. Give me one good reason why I should stick one in that goofy-looking chest of yours.”

“My apologies, ma’am,” said the giant ninja in a stereotypical bass voice, placing his hands together prayer style and bowing to her. “I am Antonio Fujiwara, at your service. I didn’t mean to disturb you. I just need a place to hide, that’s all.”

Keeping her hand on her bow, Elizabeth held her fists against her hips and gave Antonio a pathetic look. “A seven-foot tall ninja wants to hide from whatever was chasing him…in a forest full of nothing. First of all, why is a mountain of muscle like you running away from somebody who’s probably shorter than you? Wouldn’t it be easier just to snap his neck and be done with him?”

“It’s not just one person, ma’am. It’s…quite a few.” Antonio fidgeted with his sausage fingers. “I’m being hunted by the Scorpion Clan. Being tall doesn’t mean anything when you’re being hunted by them. They’ll kill me if they find me! Please, you’ve got to hide me!”

“Hide you? I don’t know, Antonio. Seems like the Scorpion Clan is looking for a bastard sword in a haystack. There aren’t a whole lot of good hiding places I can think of for a guy your size. You probably can’t climb a tree and stay there. The caves are too small. The bushes are also too small. Looks like you’re shit out of luck. Now beat it before these Scorpion Clan guys involve me in your mess too.”

A flying dart pierced Antonio in the small of his back and he stumbled around like a drunk, slurring his words like one too. Elizabeth backed up in worry as the giant ninja’s intoxicated dance led him to grab a handful of vine berries in a failed attempt to keep himself hoisted. He collapsed on the ground with a resounding boom and snored his way to the subconscious theater.

Elizabeth pulled on her bow string as several shorter ninjas in red and black uniforms leapt out of hiding and enveloped her in a broad circle. Each ninja was armed with shurikens, which meant a ton of holes in Elizabeth’s body if she tried anything funny. Their hoods and masks covered everything but their eyes, which burned with disciplined fury. In other words, they didn’t come to this forest to fuck around. “Drop your weapon,” one of them commanded, which Elizabeth slowly did.

“Look, I don’t want any trouble. This giant oaf came to me, I didn’t come to him. I just wanted to take a nap and then he comes rolling in…”

“Silence!” belted the ninja. “You’ll have plenty of time to take a nap if we find out you were harboring this fugitive. Stealing money from us was Antonio’s first big mistake. Being stupid enough to come here looking for refuge was his second. Then again, he never was very smart to begin with.” His cohorts chuckled.

“You know what? You’re right. He’s not very smart. Just take him and leave me be, okay? Can we make a deal?” begged Elizabeth, her hands held high.

“You heard her, men. Take this gargantuan mongoloid away,” said the lead ninja. It took the strength of several ninjas to lift Antonio’s massive body and even then they were grunting and groaning. They almost dropped him on his head a few times while the lead ninja continued to hatefully gaze into Elizabeth’s eyes. “Unfortunately for you, we can’t make a deal. You’re a witness. I can’t leave any witnesses.”

“No, no, no, don’t do this! I’m begging you!” said Elizabeth as she got on her hands and knees. The ninja had his shuriken ready, but the pleading was just a cover up as Elizabeth grabbed her bow and arrow and shot the lead ninja between his devilish eyes. The shot was so stiff that the ninja’s entire brain fell out the back of his head.

“You bitch!” yelled one of the ninjas as they dropped Antonio.

Elizabeth and the ninjas stood across from each other at a stalemate, a bow and multiple arrows versus god knows how many shurikens. She knew this was a fight she couldn’t win, yet she had no choice now that she crossed the Rubicon. It was all a matter of which ninja would die first. They all looked the same. They all talked the same. But only one of them called her a bitch. Would he be the first to go? Decisions, decisions. At least now she would get the peace and quiet she desperately wanted. Did they have butterflies in heaven? Would she even go to heaven in the first place?

She didn’t have to make the tough decision after all. That decision was made for her when Antonio nipped up and slammed the ninjas’ heads together, concussing the guys on the edges and exploding the skulls of those in the middle. “Take the shot!” yelled Antonio. Elizabeth did just that. Whoever remained after that head slam took a series of arrows to the chest, knocking their hearts and spines out of their carcasses. Antonio chucked the dead bodies over the bushes and into a ditch. He didn’t break a sweat doing it nor did he need a firm grip on anywhere but their ankles.

After the dust settled, Antonio removed his ninja mask and smiled at Elizabeth, who smiled back at him. He said, “The poison these geniuses used in their dart was too low a dose for someone of my size. If they had any brains at all, they would have used a bigger dart. Maybe they could have used a bastard sword in a haystack. Plus, those berries I grabbed were a perfect antidote.”

“And you’re supposed to be the dumb one just because you have a deep voice?”

“Well, I did lead all of these jerks to your forest. That alone wasn’t very smart. Sorry about that. Now I’ve got you involved in my problems.”

“I don’t mind at all, Antonio. In fact, I wouldn’t mind hunting down every last one of those Scorpion Clan jerk-offs. The way I see it, they were going to interrupt my peace and quiet one way or another. Might as well strike them before they strike me. If they really are dumber than a giant with a deep voice, then they’ll fall for my begging and pleading trick again. Heh…like I’d ever beg for my life for those dweebs.”

A still wobbly Antonio wrapped his arm around Elizabeth’s shoulders and said, “You and I make a pretty good team, don’t we? Kind of like brains and brawns, right?”

“Well, to be fair, those ninjas have brains too. They just happen to be splattered all over the ground right now. So what do you say we stop running from the Scorpion Clan and start racking up a body count?”

“You can count on me!” Antonio gave a playful slap on Elizabeth’s back and unintentionally knocked her over. He apologized profusely as he picked her up and dusted her off.

“Okay, maybe you are just a little bit thick in the head, but we’ll work on that,” said Elizabeth with a playful smile.

Armed and Devilish

“The meat supply is growing thin, my pretties. Looks like we’ll have to go back to eating our fruits and veggies,” said Tina Rabbit, watching her forest creatures licking and gnawing at various humanoid skeletons. The bones varied in shapes and sizes. Though they would be unrecognizable to the naked eye, Tina remembered them all.

A family deer licked the femur and forearm bones of a widened skeleton which once belonged to an orc, judging from its massive and rotting fangs. Squirrel children frantically ran and played between the eye sockets of an unfortunate gnome corpse. One gray wolf rolled over on its back and gnawed away at an ordinary human bone, almost crushing it between its mandibles. White rabbits played hide and seek underneath the ribcage and spinal cord of a formerly obese ogre.

All Tina could do was smile upon her furry children. She flipped her long brunette hair backwards and fiddled with her gray dress as she admired her fuzz buckets’ handiwork. “It’s been a while since we’ve had uninvited guests in our forests. I love tender ribs as much as you guys, but I love peace and quiet even more. No harm shall come to my babies or my trees.” She leaned down and stroked a wolf’s ears as it chewed on a skeletal forearm. “I love you all. Each and every one of you. Gather around for a…”

A crow’s squawking interrupted her sentence as the jittery bird of prey circled above Tina. She held out her arm and allowed the little guy to land on her wrist. “What’s wrong, my feathery friend?” she asked in her usual calm voice. “Don’t tell me we have more visitors.” The crow shook and squealed as it tried to find refuge underneath her druid’s gigantic sleeves. “It’ll be okay, little man. Mommy will take care of it.” She pointed her index finger at the rest of her friends and demanded, “Remember, don’t come swarming in until I tell you to. We lose too many furry friends that way.”

The forest creatures continued chewing and fiddling with the humanoid remains while the crow darted out from under Tina’s sleeve and flew slowly enough so that she could follow. The trees in this forest were large enough to hide the most suspicious activity from plain sight, but if there was yet another criminal deal going down in Tina’s neck of the woods, the meeting place would have to be carefully thought out. It would have to be so unobvious that…”Wait a minute…you’re kidding me…”

Tina didn’t have to walk far at all. This new business deal was happening right along the dirt path and there was already a bush for her to crouch down in. “The arrogance of these people…at least he’s got some meat on his bones,” Tina muttered to herself.

And why wouldn’t this buyer be arrogant? He towered over his seller at a whopping seven feet tall. His chiseled body looked like it had medicine balls stuffed in it. He didn’t even have to wear elaborate armor, just legless red shorts, brown leather boots, black straps across his chest and back, and a dark hood over his head that made him look like an executioner ready to chop someone’s head off. To Tina, however, he closely resembled an S&M store that blew the fuck up. She couldn’t help but smile at the same time she was pissed off at the man’s superiority complex.

The seller was a mirror image of his towering client: skinny, frail, covered in baggy robes and an oversized hood, his fingers elongated and bladed, his appearance kept quiet to those with naked eyes. It was amazing that he found the strength to hold a steel briefcase that could double as a tower shield. What wasn’t nearly as impressive was the seven foot tall gimp tossing a sack of gold coins his way and the seller nearly falling on his ass.

“Okay, you little shit,” belted the giant. “All five thousand gold pieces are in that bag. If you don’t believe me, try doing bicep curls with it. Now open the goddamn briefcase and show me what you’ve got.”

The seller gently set the money bag on the ground and twirled his hands around the metal case. “Forged in the fires of hell itself, strong enough to slay the mightiest gods, deadly enough to burn entire cities to a blanket of ashes…I give to you…” He unlocked the briefcase and unfolded what appeared to be a rusty trident. “The Cluster Fork!”

Tina giggled through her nose and had the two businessmen looking around for potential spies. She put her hand over her mouth and crouched down even lower.

The buyer swiped the trident out of the seller’s hands and swung it around with as much effort as a toothbrush. He even used the middle tip to pick his teeth and the other two tips to scratch his back. “Not bad,” he said sarcastically. “But how the hell is this supposed to be worth five thousand gold pieces! I can’t even buy a whorehouse full of slutty women with that kind of money!”

“That’s no ordinary trident, Mr. Jackhammer.”

Tina giggled again, but still managed not to attract attention her way.

Waving his hands over the rusted weapon, the seller said, “The Cluster Fork has been passed down from several generations of demonic forces. Entire wars were won with this piece of weaponry. Religions were split apart by this trident’s might. The Cluster Fork…”

Tina figured “Mr. Jackhammer” had enough of the hokey salesmanship as evidenced by the seven-footer jabbing the seller through the heart with the trident. That wasn’t where the heinous assault ended. A fiery circle formed around Mr. Jackhammer and melted not only his opponent’s corpse into ashes, but also the bushes and trees in his vicinity.

One of the trees had a crow’s nest inside. The family of scavenger birds angrily flocked around their attacker’s head and pecked at his face like their beaks were deadlier than medieval weaponry. Jackhammer put and end to the assault by grabbing all of the birds in one massive hand and crushing them into bloody feathers.

“Oh no…no, no, no…no…” Tina whispered as tears ran down her face. She tried to keep quiet as she snorted mucous up her nose, but accidentally let a scream slip when a family of grizzly bears came out of hiding and surrounded Jackhammer for a beat-down.

The giant stabbed one of the bears through the gut and slung his now fiery body around the others, reducing them to barbecued meat done a little too well. Jackhammer raised his weapon high in the air and laughed like a madman as a flaming aura danced around his already powerful body.

Tina couldn’t stop screaming at the instant horror as Jackhammer laid devilish eyes on her. He pointed the Cluster Fork at her and growled, “Ain’t so funny now, is it, bitch? Go ahead! Laugh it up! I double dog dare you! Don’t be shy!” No response, only jitters. Animals of all kinds, squirrels, wolves, deer, and birds, flocked away from the roaring inferno and all Tina could do was stand there with vibrating legs. “Answer me!” Jackhammer shouted.

She couldn’t answer, so a running deer did it for her when it bucked her on its back and carried her deep into the woods to safety. Tina’s wobbly legs made it difficult for her to stay upright during the chase and she came close to falling off several times. Jackhammer on the other hand had no problem sprinting through the woods lighting trees and shrubbery blaze. Another deer tried to kick him in the ribs, but all it got in return was a trident up the ass.

Tina shrieked and kept one hand over her eyes while the other was on her mount’s antlers. Images of her fluffy friends dying left and right in mass genocide assaulted her mind and sped up her heartbeat. Her blood grew colder and her skin dampened like a waterfall. After the deer halted and Tina stopped mumbling whiny slogans to herself, she slowly lifted her head to see that she was indeed underneath a waterfall and she wasn’t going crazy.

“You think a little bit of water is going to stop me?! I’ve seen infected pussies that were wetter than that!” barked Jackhammer with a fiery background behind him and his arms folded.

Tina slipped off the deer’s spine and backed up a few steps alongside her animal companions. She wanted to form a snappy comeback, but all that came out of her trembling lips was slobbery drivel.

“What’s the matter? Cock got your tongue?!” Jackhammer chuckled. “That’s okay. You’ll have plenty more reasons than that to be on your knees for me. I’m your majesty now! I rule over everything! Now be a good little girl and take off that sexy dress for me!” He licked his lips and caused Tina to shiver even harder than before.

She didn’t want to look her potential rapist in the eyes. She didn’t want to look at any other part of his body either. Instead her mind was pumped full of images of fiery treetops falling left and right. And then she had an idea, but her anxious tummy told her not to use her animals like that. Then again, her options were limited. It was too late for this forest. It would forever be known as a criminal hideout for shady deals. Mother Nature had been too kind to these crooks even in death. But it wasn’t too late for one more forest…

As Jackhammer cupped his ear and mockingly listened in for a response from Tina, she swallowed a lump and raised her finger in the air before casting it down upon her opponent. Swarms of squirrels and rabbits crawled all over Jackhammer’s body, leaving little rabid bite marks in their wake. Tina made a slash mark across her throat and instructed a deer to kick the trident out of Jackhammer’s hands, which it did after several long seconds of the giant snapping the necks of the little creatures.

“Damn it!” Jackhammer shouted repeatedly as he chased after the trident, which was being sucked down the stream and into the waterfall. Tina instructed the wolves to bite at his ankles while she instructed a nearby grizzly to knock down a burning tree over the distracted giant. Not only were his legs bleeding buckets, but the tree found its mark: right over the skull of the arrogant giant.

But it didn’t faze Jackhammer. It just made him smile evilly at Tina, who slowly backed up as he stalked upon her. He threatened, “I can get the trident later. I’ve already got a spear I can impale you with!” He dropped his legless shorts and exposed his ugly, mushroom-infested dong to her. Tina was so busy looking away that she plopped backwards into the water, not knowing where to go next.

“Open wide, little lady!”

She reached behind her and felt something sharp. Deer antlers! It felt so wrong to use a corpse in such a way, but when she fearlessly jammed the antlers into Jackhammer’s crotch, he bent over and howled in misery. But he ripped them out and tossed them aside like it was nothing despite the heavy bleeding. His smile grew wider and more sadistic. While deer, wolves, and bears ganged up on the seven foot savage, Tina swam away feeling like a coward.

The sounds of animal bones crunching and flesh being ripped and shredded pounded her brain and caused her to swim faster. She picked up her speed again when she heard the familiar leather boots clomping beside her. Every animal and every weapon tested against this giant failed to keep him down for long. And then…she threw something else at him. Something random. Something unexpected. And as soon as she threw this final weapon, Jackhammer’s agonizing cries were accompanied by crackles of fire.

Tina turned around and used a nearby deer’s antlers to help her out of the water. But she saw the same thing her companions did: burning flesh, blackening blood, and a once indestructible god turning into a pile of rotten meat and ashes. All because he had the Cluster Fork sticking out of his chest.

She couldn’t celebrate yet. She dashed over to him and collected his ashes in her front dress pocket before yanking the trident free. She and her animal companions outran the growing fire that consumed their home. Tina’s legs were still wobbly and she almost fell back into the water, but she was carried by a grizzly bear at the last minute. For now she could relax, but even that was impossible with all the violent imagery her mind played out for her.

Tina couldn’t even dream the hour away. A numbed out brain wouldn’t let her. Adrenaline kept her nerves ice cold. Her heart wouldn’t stop beating. She kept expecting either a fiery trident or another kind of “spear” to assault her any moment now. She watched her forest home go up in smoke. All that was left for her was this new grassy field where a significantly smaller animal army greeted her with sympathetic licks and head bumps.

“I’m sorry, my friends,” she cried. “Your home is gone. Everything we’ve worked to build is gone. Mother Nature lost. She never loses. I don’t even know if we can start over again…unless…”

Tina wiped multiple tears from her eyes and sprinkled Jackhammer’s ashes amongst the empty dirt. Multiple animal minions brought their dead loved ones into the pile as well as the bones of previous criminals who made deals in the now burning forest. They all gathered around with Tina leading them in a speech.

“You see this, everyone?” she said while choking back more tears. “The rain will come again one day. And when it does, these ashes and bodies will grow into another tree. And from that one tree, a new forest will grow. Life will begin again. But that won’t be for years to come. Mother Nature’s rebirth is always a slow one. But what shall we do for now? How shall we sustain ourselves until those years pass?”

Turned out the grass was quite delicious to the animals as they munched on it with fervor. If Mother Nature yielded these tasty results in such a short amount of time, perhaps the rebirth of the forest wouldn’t take long either. Tina smiled and fell on her back before releasing more tears to rehydrate the ground. The wolves licked her tears clean, signifying forgiveness for being used in combat so recklessly. It was their home too and they had the right to defend it. She hugged them around their necks and tried to fall asleep in her new cuddle-puddle, but to no avail.

No Means No

Reading the same words over and over again drained the life out of Selena Gray and Jasmine Shelley’s eyes to where they could just fall asleep at the library. Every letter of their textbooks looked as dull and gray as rainy weather. They had been cramming this useless information for hours while hunched over their table drifting in and out of slumber.

“Jesus Christ, what time is it?” asked the dark-haired Selena with no life in her voice.

“Time to go to bed. This is ridiculous,” said the blond-haired Jasmine with a yawn punctuating her sentence. “I swear to god, if I don’t pass this test, I’m going to be pissed. I dumped way too much money into this damn college to just let it all go to waste.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” said Selena as she stretched out her arms and squinted.

When the two students stood up, pushed their chairs in, and stretched some more, Jasmine had a quizzical look on her face while walking toward the library window. “Do you hear that? There’s something going on outside. It’s like some yelling or something.” She thought about it some more and then her sleepy eyes widened to alertness. “Oh, no, no ,no, not this!”

Jasmine and Selena headed over to the window and cracked it open just a pinch. The boisterous voices outside belonged to the Sigma Alpha Alpha (ASS) Fraternity, all of them barrel-chested, all of them wearing red sweaters with their logo, and all of them holding a banner that emulated their chant. “No means yes! Yes means anal!”

“Oh my god…oh my god…” said Jasmine with tears in her eyes as she slid down the wall and parked her rump on the floor. She kept repeating herself while holding her head and rocking back and forth. When Selena knelt down to put a comforting hand on her shoulder, Jasmine finally said, “There’s a boy down there that I used to date. Max Tyler. He’s the one with the blond hair combed back. I can’t let him see me up here. We’ve got to get out of this fucking library!”

Selena hugged her friend around the head and said in a soothing voice, “Okay, calm down, we’ll get out of here. I think there’s a back exit in this library that leads to the woods. Once we get there, we’re hitting the ground running. Hell, I think our physics books called this velocity or some shit like that. Come on, let’s go.”

The two students stood up and left their books behind when they speed-walked their way to the back exit. Once they touched the door handle together, they stopped and took deep breaths in preparation for what came next. Selena asked, “Are you ready? One, two, three!”

On three the door burst open and the two female students bolted out to the woods at the highest velocity with no regard for their tiredness or physical wellbeing. If they had to drain every ounce of energy running through these woods, they would keep going until their feet were bleeding. They weaved throughout the trees and foliage and were already breathing heavily. Only a few seconds later, they were hunched over. Their tongues were aching and their ribs felt like they were on fire. But keep running they did.

In this mad sprint to nowhere in particular, there wasn’t much time to take in the dark surroundings. Because of that, Selena didn’t notice an oncoming deer when it got excited and kicked its hind legs into her stomach, driving the air from her body like a deflated balloon. After the deer ran off, Selena found herself on her knees trying to suck in as much air as she possibly could. She coughed violently while blood poured from her lips.

Jasmine rushed to her friend’s aid and knelt beside her with a light hug. “Are you okay? Do I need to call an ambulance?”

Once Selena was done coughing and puking up blood, she rolled over on her back holding her stomach and said, “What good is 9-1-1 going to do? There aren’t even any police watching those assholes at the college! What the hell’s going on here?” She pounded the ground in frustration, but that only sent a flood of pain through her stomach and caused her to heave more blood.

In the midst of this first aid excitement, Jasmine still managed to hear leaves crunching and twigs snapping under somebody’s boot. She immediately thought the worst and pulled her wounded friend as far away from the noises as possible. In her exhausted state, Jasmine still managed to find a hollow log to take temporary shelter in alongside Selena.

Once the two crawled inside, Jasmine placed a gentle finger on Selena’s lips and whispered, “You have to be quiet, there’s somebody out there. Try not to cough.” Selena couldn’t help it and let out a drop of blood before Jasmine shushed her again.

The leaves and sticks crunching grew louder and closer to the hollow log. A familiar male voice said in a singsong voice, “Oh, Jasmine. I know you’re out here. I can still hear you saying no from a mile away, babe. Well, you can say no all you want, but you know what no really means, right? Forget all that feminist bullshit for one night and just let me have some of that action!”

Jasmine felt her breathing getting heavy as the memories of dating Max Tyler flooded back to numb her mind. The vaginal groping in the movie theater. The breast grabbing in public. The smacks on the ass. The persistent requests for sex and the increased aggressiveness in Max’s voice each time Jasmine said no. Each of these frightening scenes made her wonder why she would even date such a caveman in the first place. Her heavy breathing became even heavier as anger mixed in with her anxiety. If it wasn’t for Selena giving a slight shush, Jasmine wouldn’t have put her own hand over her mouth.

“Oh, Jasmine-Pie, come out, come out wherever you are! If I don’t find you, my buds will. I didn’t like the idea of sharing you at first, but I could see it happening one day. I totally could!” Max’s combat boots were at the opening of the hollow log facing the left direction, a scene which almost made Jasmine gasp in fear. She resisted the urge yet again when she felt something furry crawling up her leg. No! It wouldn’t happen like this!

Jasmine petted the furry animal that was mounted on her leg and suffered a few blood-drawing bites on her finger. She didn’t scream as the little guy ran inside her hoodie pockets. In fact, she crawled out of the hollow log with him. “Jasmine, what are you doing?!” Selena whispered aggressively. “Get back here!”

Outside the log, Max was still strolling around the woods with a goofy grin on his face and his hands in his sweater pockets. “Come on, baby girl, give me a kiss!” he said while making lip smacking noises.

“Kiss this, you pervert! No means no!” shouted Jasmine. When Max turned around to face his ex-girlfriend, a squirrel jumped out of her hands and into his face, chewing his cheeks and nose with a voracious appetite. The frat boy backpedaled and screamed curses when he tried to pull the little munchkin off his face.

The squirrel was about to finish his delicious dessert and then it jumped off when Max tripped over another log and rolled down the hill. He crashed head first against one of the trees and was unconscious and bleeding almost instantly. He might have even been dead.

Jasmine breathed heavy sighs of relief as she knelt down on a pile of leaves and let the floodgates pour like rain. It was finally over. No truly meant no this time. Her moment of victory was ruined when she heard Selena cough up more blood as she crawled out of the hollow log. Jasmine rushed to her aid and petted her hair before saying, “It’s okay. We’re going to get you to the hospital. It’s all over.”

“Woo-hoo! Lesbian make-out scene, yeah!” shouted one of the male voices from the crowd. A whole group of frat boys dressed in sweaters and khakis were standing only a few feet away from where Jasmine and Selena were.

“Go away! Get out of here! Can’t you see she’s hurt!” shouted a sobbing Jasmine.

“Yeah, we know. You know who else is hurt? Max! I don’t see you doing anything for him! Maybe you should go down that hill and give him mouth-to-mouth!” said one of the frat boys before the whole group of them laughed like donkeys.

Selena managed to roll over onto her stomach and get on her hands and knees. In a raspy voice, she said, “Go to hell!” and then spit a wad of blood at one of the frat boy’s feet. That one guy formed an angry face and marched over to get his “free pussy” when he felt the world’s deadliest kick to the nuts. He crumpled over and spat up even more blood than Selena did.

The other frat boys began scurrying away when they saw that the same wild deer from before had reared its head again, kicking, bucking, and being a wild warrior in general. Jasmine got a good look at the deer’s face and saw that it was foaming at the mouth when it took a big bite out of the frat boy’s arm, causing him to squeal in pain.

The deer danced and flailed around some more before curling inward and flopping on the ground in death. Its foaming mouth was flooding with even more poison now that it was dead.

“Hey, Jasmine,” said Selena before coughing some more. “Remember how I said calling 9-1-1 would be useless? I may have lied a little bit. It maybe useless, it may not be. But it’s our only fucking hope.”

Jasmine tenderly held Selena’s head in her arms while dialing 9-1-1 on her smart phone. “Yeah, I need an ambulance to come out to Braxton Woods. My best friend was kicked by a deer.” She looked empathetically at the frat boy and Max Tyler before saying, “There are two other people who need medical attention too.”

“Just let them die, Jasmine!” shouted Selena.

“Shut up!” whispered Jasmine angrily. She talked back into the phone, “Oh, and one more thing. The deer died of rabies. Okay, thanks! Bye!” The stresses of the day caused the exhausted Jasmine Shelley to roll over on her back and gaze at the night sky. It wasn’t long before tiny raindrops pricked her skin, but she didn’t care. She never felt safer than in this moment of victory.

“We’re supposed to be better than those guys, Selena,” said Jasmine. “That’s why I included them in the ambulance call. Besides, if you really want them to learn what “no means no” stands for, wait until they go to prison!” Jasmine and Selena’s smiles were brighter than any full moon out this evening.

"Pipsqueak" by Brian M. Wiprud

Murder, kidnappings, ass-beatings, and cultism…over a stuffed squirrel that used to be part of Garth Carson’s favorite TV show back in the 60’s and 70’s. As crazy as that sounds, this actually is a believable mystery as you get further and further into the book. Yes, it’s extremely silly at times and Garth Carson can be a quirky narrator, but it’s still a believable mystery despite the fact that it’s all over a stuffed puppet. Yes, the stuffed puppet is worth hundreds and thousands of dollars. But the deeper you dig into this novel, the more complicated the circumstances become. Believe it or not, this was the novel that was going to make or break Brian M. Wiprud’s career as a writer. He was taking a huge chance with all the silly descriptions he put in the book, but in the end, it paid off and Pipsqueak is a highly popular mystery novel. You want to hear one of my favorite descriptions in the book? Near the end, there’s a group of leggy dancers in feather boas akin to the Las Vegas showgirls we’re accustomed to seeing. Garth Carson, the story’s narrator, could have said anything he wanted about the way they danced around. What he chose to compare their routine to was Nazi goose-stepping. That’s right, boys and girls. He compared a bunch of gorgeous feathery dancers to Nazis. Of course, it was only a comparison to the way both parties moved, but still, it’s giggly to think about. You may have to wait a long time to read that description since it’s near the novel’s conclusion, but not to worry: this book is peppered with goofy descriptions that will either get a smile out of you or a deep chuckle. I don’t want to play the role of spoiler for you guys, so I’m just going to tell you all to buy a copy of Pipsqueak and make it a part of your growing library. You do have a growing library, right? There has to be more on those shelves of yours than just DVD’s and Blu-Ray’s. Who knows? Maybe you have some Playboy magazines on your library shelves, but I’m sure people will believe you when you say you read them just for the thrilling articles. Whatever you do though, when you march to your local bookstore in search of Pipsqueak, make sure you’re not doing a Nazi goose-step or else Garth Carson may call you out. Or he may call you a Cola Woman. Or Cola Man. Either way, prepare for the craziest book you’re going to read in a while. If you need an autographed copy, don’t even bother, because it’s hard to use a pen when you’re in a straightjacket. Hint, hint, wink, wink!

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

-George Carlin-