Muse of the Year 2019

***MUSE OF THE YEAR 2019***

Last summer I wrote a blog entry about how every year I have a new muse to inspire my creative work. Why every year? Who knows? This muse is always female and can be a pro-wrestler, actress, singer, or even a fictional character. My one rule for choosing muses is not to use people I know in real life (at least by internet standards). If these people knew I was crushing on them for creativity, I’d probably get sued or slapped with a restraining order. Pretty extreme reaction, but it’s the likeliest of scenarios. Celebrities or fictional characters only. Fictional characters don’t give two shits if you’re crushing on them. And celebrities? Chances are they don’t even know who the fuck I am. You think 2013’s Muse of the Year Ronda Rousey is just randomly perusing my Deviant Art account or blog to see what I think of her? Bullshit, she ain’t going anywhere near my social media. She’s got a lot on her mind, like trying to figure out a way to get a rematch with Becky Lynch after the botched ending to their triple threat match at Wrestlemania.

Last year’s muse was of course Sarah-Jane Redmond, the woman who played Lucy Butler in the 1990’s TV show Millennium. I’m sure Sarah-Jane is a wonderful human being in real life, but her character Lucy haunted my creative daydreams for the whole fucking year in 2018. If not for her, first draft novels like Silent Warrior, Beautiful Monster, and Incelbordination wouldn’t have seen the light of day. Obsessing over seduction will do that to a creative soul. Considering I’m in the process of rewriting Beautiful Monster from the ground up, I’d say Ms. Redmond was a pretty effective muse.

And now that 2018 is in the rear-view mirror, who’s going to be my muse for 2019? Well, this particular woman has been active in burlesque performances since the early 90’s, so that’s a plus. A burlesque dancer being an effective muse? Who would’ve thunk it? In terms of physical appearances and sexual appetite, this woman shares some similarities with Lucy Butler. In terms of alignment, however, they could not be more different. Instead of seducing young men into becoming mediocre versions of themselves, this muse brings the best out of every man she meets. She exudes class, calmness, and positivity. She’s more than a pretty face. She lives her sexy gimmick in her everyday life. She even joked about bathing in her lingerie. She’d totally do that. Without further ado, let me introduce you all to Garrison Kelly’s 2019 Muse of the Year: Dita Von Teese.

For some this is a controversial decision on my part. I accept that. I’ve heard the stories about her relationship with Marilyn Manson. I’ve heard stories about alleged arrogance. I’ve even heard something about her being proud of having her image painted on a drone bomb. I don’t know the intricate details of those stories and quite frankly I’m not going to try and find out. The Dita Von Teese I know and love is calm in the face of sleazy interview questions. She exits her relationships without lusting after her ex’s money or possessions. Just watching her give interviews on You Tube makes me want to up my creative game. Yes, her negative stories could be true, but before I even have the chance to find out, I’m going to enjoy her image for what it is: classic beauty that never goes out of style.

And as long as we’re talking about blog entries from yesteryear, I’m sure most of you remember one I’ve posted about fan fiction group therapy, where fictional characters talk about their feelings while rocking out to heavy metal and eating high calorie foods. Well, I thought it’d be a crazy, yet good idea to have sex therapy as part of this healing process. Whether this fictional character needs a cuddle session, a back massage, or something more, I’m sure it’ll serve a greater purpose beyond me fantasizing about weird shit. Guess who will be the chief sex therapist at Crystal Mountain, as I’ve called the mental health center? You guessed it: Dita Von Teese. Except her character won’t be called that. Her character will named after a little known Pink Floyd song from the early 70’s. No, it’s not Arnold Layne, you dumb shits! It’s Julia Dream! Mmmmmm, Julia Dream. Dreamboat queen. Queen of all my dreams. She’d make an awesome sex therapist.

So what kinds of works could she inspire with her positive and loving aura? What kinds of stories could I write that would exude happiness, lightheartedness, or at the very least psychological recovery? Well, I’m not so sure using Dita Von Teese as inspiration would have been appropriate for this, but Emilio and the Scratching Post is one such positive story. I plan on submitting it to an anthology called Tales of the Siblings Not-So-Grim. That title alone should be enough to clue you in on how lighthearted these stories are. And of course, it doesn’t get more lighthearted than a cuddly old man kitty looking for permanent love.

But until I get that story cleaned up spic and span, there’s no reason why Dita Von Teese can’t be the inspiration for continuing the new version of Beautiful Monster. I can’t picture her being in the same shadow as Shelly Atwood, though. Shelly seduces men (and women) to their own doom, Dita seduces them to greatness. She could be in the same shadow as either Tarja Rikkinen or Llewellyn Xavier. Well, more likely Tarja because Llewellyn is Windham’s sister and it’d be weird if the elf queen tried to seduce her own brother. This ain’t Game of Thrones, motherfucker. It also ain’t Preacher.

I’ve wondered since last year who 2019’s Muse of the Year would be and now I have my answer: a burlesque dancer who’s more than just good looks. She turns beauty and nostalgia into an art form. And yes, she inspires me to do better in my creative work. It’s almost like I’m trying to impress Dita despite the fact that she’ll never find me online. Hmm….Anyways, I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing Crystal Mountain! And while you’re at it, chug some Crystal Mountain Dew and find your serotonin levels!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I change my clothes ten times before I take you on a date. I’m in a cold sweat, I panic, and it makes me late. I know you never asked for this. I know my shots will always miss. Does everyone stare this way at you? I only look this way at you. I change my clothes ten times before I take you on a date. I get the heebie-jeebies and my panic makes me late. I break into a cold sweat reaching for the phone. I let it ring twice before I chicken out and decide you’re not at home. Does everyone stare this way at you? I only look this way at you. I never noticed the size of my feet until I kicked you in the shins. Will you ever forgive me for the shape I’m in? Does everyone stare this way at you? I only look this way at you. I want to write you a sonnet, but I don’t know where to start. I’m so used to laughing at the things in my heart. Last of all, I’m sorry, ‘cause you never asked for this. I can see I’m not your type and my shots will always miss. Does everyone stare this way at you? I only look this way at you.”

-The Police singing “Does Everyone Stare?”-

Yearly Muses

***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

REINA: Garrison’s got a crush! Garrison’s got a crush!

JAMES: On who?

REINA: I’m not at liberty to say.

JAMES: You can tell me, Reina. You’re an American. It’s in the constitution. It’s your right.

GARRISON: No, it isn’t! That’s extortion!

JAMES: Well, whoever it is you have a crush on, you probably shouldn’t tell them that you like “Sickened” by Disturbed.

GARRISON: Those two things have nothing to do with each other!

JAMES: Uh-huh, sure! You don’t relate to that song, Garrison. It’s just your emo, angsty white boy music. Disturbed has nothing to do with barbarians and wizards.

GARRISON: That’s not all I think about!

JAMES: Fake news!

GARRISON: Goddamn it, James!

***YEARLY MUSES***

I don’t normally open my blog entries with the quote/dialogue of the day, but in order for the context to make sense, I had to do that. This blog is about muses, or lovey-dovey goddesses who inspire creativity. I was hesitant at first to do this blog because I didn’t want to appear like a thirsty fuck-boy. But during that above conversation I had with James and Reina, I learned not to be embarrassed by my own emotions. James and Reina weren’t making fun of me for having a crush. They were proud of the fact that I could feel those emotions to begin with. Or as I would say, “It’s a natural function!” Hell, if you don’t believe me, listen to Mister Rogers talk about how natural loving emotions are. Are you going to doubt Mister Rogers? No? I didn’t fucking think so. But yes, it’s true, every year there’s a new muse in my life. I don’t know why it’s a yearly thing, but as long as I’m being inspired to be a better person creatively and emotionally, I won’t question it. I’ve lived a long time, so I won’t go through every single year. I’ll settle for a top five instead. Starting with…

***2018: SARAH-JANE REDMOND***

Many of my readers have heard me talk about her before and how her performance as Lucy Butler in an episode of Millennium called “A Room with No View” has shook me to my core. I talk about Ms. Redmond a lot because if it wasn’t for that performance, Beautiful Monster wouldn’t be possible. Thank you for that haunting character! It’s true, though: Shelly Atwood (my villain) and Lucy Butler (Millennium) have a lot in common. They’re femme fatales who lead men into darkness. They use sex as a weapon and leave psychological ghosts for their victims. If you’re wondering why I like “Sickened” by Disturbed so much, it’s because I can picture Shelly and Lucy’s victims listening to it on repeat after being free from their clutches. “That’s enough of all your taunting. Seems I can’t remove you from my mind. Don’t you know sometimes I wish they’d kill me for wanting you?” Goddamn, that’s some powerful shit! I’d take twenty-four hours of that over “Love Is Blue” by Paul Mauriat any day of the week, though the latter is a good song too. Thank you for the creative fuel, Ms. Redmond! Now Beautiful Monster is about to be sliced and diced by the iron chefs at Hollow Hills Books. I’m both excited and terrified at the thought of receiving those future critiques! Maybe I should ask Lucy Butler for a comforting hug. Oh dear god…

***2013: RONDA ROUSEY***

Ever since she became a then-undefeated UFC Bantamweight Champion, Ronda Rousey set the motherfucking world on fire. Ass-beating after ass-beating sent her opponents packing for higher grounds. Since I wrote a lot of action-packed stories during this time, the ultra-tough warrior chick Ronda had to be my muse. To this day, I don’t know if she was a direct inspiration for Occupy Wrestling, but I wouldn’t doubt it if someone said it to me. Oh, and she also inspired some angsty/lovey-dovey poetry that would eventually be published in my first collection entitled Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage. I won’t say which poems, but trust me, my muse was there. Beautiful, athletic, tough, and golden-hearted, Ronda was everything a man could ever want. That’s why I rejoiced when her memoir came out in 2015. The Wrestling Observer Newsletter ended up awarding Best Book of the Year to Daniel Bryan’s “YES!” (which I’m equally happy for), but if I was voting, I would have given the nod to “My Fight/Your Fight” by virtue of the graphic descriptions of violence that “YES!” didn’t have. Today in 2018, she’s in the WWE and her next match will be against Alexa Bliss at Summer Slam for Bliss’s Raw Women’s Championship. And by the way, Raw is the name of the brand she’s on. I’m not saying you have to be a raw woman in order to win it. Hehe!

***2006-2009: TARJA TURUNEN AND ANETTE OLZON***

In 2005, operatic singer Tarja Turunen was fired from Nightwish for not getting along with her band mates. She was subsequently replaced by rock singer Anette Olzon. Fans online have been going at each other’s throats over who is the better vocalist, but I tried to encourage the rabid wolves to be happy with both and to not take sides. They’re both beautiful songstresses who put love and passion into their vocal work. They both elevated Nightwish to the popularity it has today. And they both inspired lovey-dovey essays and poems for me during my college days. To be honest, there was nothing fun or exciting about college since I was constantly away from my family and very few people wanted to be my friend. I filled the void by having romantic visions of both Tarja and Anette, but I would never sully them with crass sexual fantasies. Granted, the poems and essays I wrote sucked ass, but at the time my ego was so massive that I didn’t want to admit it. Today in 2018, Tarja is enjoying a lucrative solo career while Anette is now part of a band called The Dark Element. They both still make beautiful music and they’re still beautiful muses that anybody can draw inspiration from.

***2004-2005: MOTOKO KUSANAGI***

Just like with Ronda Rousey after her, my affinity for tough and brutal women was present with the main female character from Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex. I still to this day have no idea why I enjoy the presence of tough chicks, but back then, Motoko inspired a piece of fan fiction called “The Heart of the Sun”. Because I was young and immature with regard to how writing works, this fan fic was a self-insert job. Yep. I was the lead character and with the help of Unreal Championship villains, I had a love/hate feud with Motoko. Like the Tarja/Anette poetry afterwards, this fan fic story sucked major ass. But again, my ego wouldn’t allow me to see the error of my ways, mainly because I had someone on Deviant Art comment on how funny it was. Then again, if a bunch of angry nerds told me it was dog shit, I would have packed my bags and left DA in a heartbeat. The first step to being sort of good is to suck major ass. Just because someone sucks at what they do, doesn’t mean the whole world agrees with that opinion. Trust me, I know. So thank you, my lovely Motoko, for giving me the creative fuel necessary to keep my young career going full speed ahead. May you continue to kick ass and take names with the boys at Section 9, all of whom I’m jealous of. Hehe!

***CONCLUSION***

Just to clarify, when I said top five, I didn’t mean five entries, I meant five muses. Two women took up one entry, so my top five is officially complete. All I have to say now is, I can’t wait to see who my muse is going to be in 2019! I have a half year to pine over someone new, so let’s see who it is already! I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!