The rain poured down on the helpless African diamond miners
like the tears of those sent to heaven by Andrew Bradley’s bullets and
grenades. A whole line of skinny workers were on their knees with their arms
bound behind their backs and their heads down in shame. Some of them were so
skinny that their bones were visible. Some of them didn’t have arms or hands.
Some of them were as young as seven years old. All of them shivered at both the
sensation of cold rain and the fear of the mercenary for hire standing behind
them with an AK-47 in hand.
“Alright, you little wankers, listen up!” said Andrew
Bradley in his tone-deaf English accent. “I came here for one reason and one
reason only: the Ninja Ruby is here in this exact diamond mine. I’d better get
some answers as to where the hell it is or else all of you are getting bullets!
Not excuses, not questions, but bullets! Bullets in your head! Bullets in your
back! Bullets up your arse!”
With his muscular and hairy body, black tank top, camouflage
pants, and eye patch over his right eye, Andrew was a specimen of intimidation.
The worst part about that? He could back it up. When he wasn’t getting answers
from the bound up miners, he took the butt of his rifle and smashed it in the
back of a random worker’s head. The worker screamed in pain as he laid on the
ground with his wound bleeding like crazy.
“Consider that your final warning, you little twerps! If I
don’t hear an answer soon, I’m going to start shooting!” screamed Andrew as he
fired his automatic rifle in the sky and laughed his ass off.
And then a shuriken flew past the scene and lopped off the
tip of the AK-47. Another one flew past and exploded the ammo card. One more
flew by and was centimeters away from taking off Andrew’s trigger finger if he
didn’t drop his weapon in time.
One of the workers smiled up at Andrew and said, “You want
to know where the Ninja Ruby is? You can find it on that cave. There’s just one
problem: you won’t make it out alive!”
“Is that a threat? Huh? Is that a threat?!” Andrew roared
when he pulled out a bowie knife and held it to the smiling worker’s throat.
“You’d better wipe that god-awful grin off your face or else you’ll get a
Columbian necktie! We’ll see if you’ll be smiling after that!”
A blowgun dart whizzed by and struck Andrew in his thick
leg. He hopped away from the “smart-assed” worker and grimaced in pain. With
one swift jerk, he pulled the dart from his leg and allowed it to bleed
minimally. He stared down the cave with gritted yellow teeth and a death grip
on his knife’s handle. “That’s it! You want to screw around with me! I’ll slash
your fucking head off and drink your nigger blood!”
Andrew marched into the cave and lit up his club-like
flashlight. No matter where he shined it, he couldn’t find even the slightest
clue as to where the perpetrator might be. “Alright, you little pansy!” shouted
the mercenary. “I’ve had just about enough of your smart-assed trickery! If you
won’t come out of here with your hands raised to the sky, I’ll blast this
goddamn cave back to the Stone Age! I’ve got enough dynamite in my truck to
shake the entire earth to its core!”
“That won’t be necessary, my friend.” Andrew turned around
and saw that the source of the deep-voiced dialogue came from a man dressed in
multi-colored robes with a demon’s mask over his face and a katana in his hand.
“My name is DJ Rouge. You wanted to know where the Ninja’s Ruby was. Here it
is. Come and take it.” DJ removed his eye patch and revealed a beautiful red
gem in his socket.
Andrew looked at the ruby with O-mouthed awe as it shined
brightly enough to illuminate the whole cave. DJ pulled the gem out of his eye
socket and threw it out of the entrance to the cave, darkening the atmosphere
yet again except for Andrew’s flashlight. “What are you waiting for? Go fetch,
you hideous dog!” said DJ.
“You cheeky little bastard!” yelled Andrew as he charged up
to DJ while swinging wildly with his bowie knife and flashlight. Every blow he
threw scraped dust off the cave walls and ground, sometimes even taking whole
stones. But never once did Andrew hit his target, who was moving with acrobatic
quickness and calm stealth.
“You can’t play defense forever, you little swine!” yelled
Andrew. He was right. DJ slashed the mercenary’s flashlight in half with his
blade and darkened the room once more. The only light remaining was at the
entrance, which was still somewhat dim due to this cold weather. “Where are
you?! Where are you, you little bastard?!” bellowed Andrew.
With darkness as his ally, DJ threw knees and elbows to
Andrew’s ribs, stomach, and face. Each blow shook the brute’s body and made a
resounding thud. But even with a few crunches here and there, Andrew boldly
said, “Is that all you’ve got?!” DJ then threw a sweep kick and knocked the
British warrior on his ass.
Instead of growling in pain, Andrew did so in frustration
and got up immediately to throw random punches and kicks in the dark. Not one
of them found its target and instead all he got were DJ’s kicks to his thick legs,
almost buckling his knees. “Where are you, you little creep?!” yelled Andrew
Bradley.
The mercenary threw another uppercut, but this time hit the
ceiling with such force that a rock came down and bonked DJ Rouge on the head,
prompting him to let out a small “Ow!” That one mistake was enough for Andrew
to grab DJ around his throat and pin him against the wall with brutal force.
The mercenary squeezed with such force that he could feel
DJ’s throat becoming thinner and his neck bones popping. “You hear that, you
little shit?! That’s the sound of your own undoing! Are you ready to tap out?!
Are you ready to give up?! Huh?! Huh?! HUH?!”
DJ was on the verge of passing out or having his neck
snapped when the sound of a loud explosion boomed across the mine fields.
Andrew’s grip weakened as he started to worry. “Oh no!” he yelled out before
releasing the chokehold and running out of the mine. He could hear DJ coughing
violently with bloodily, but the music to Andrew’s ears was ruined when he saw
his truck bursting into flames.
“No! No, no, no!” yelled Andrew. He dropped to his knees and
cried pathetically, though the African workers would have no sympathy for him.
They stood around the explosion with their arms folded and their expressions
angry.
“What was that you said about having enough explosions to
shake the earth?” said one of the workers in a mocking tone.
“Oh, go to hell, you little jerk-offs!” cried Andrew. “All I
wanted was a little ruby for my bosses! It wasn’t personal! It was just
business!”
“Ruby? You mean this?” said the worker as he pulled out the
brightly shining stone. “Go ahead. Take it. It’s yours.” Except he didn’t just
hand it over. He threw the gem right into Andrew’s good eye and caused him to
scream pathetically some more. His eye was squished like an olive and all he
could do was roll around like a wounded animal.
And then the gem was ripped from Andrew’s good eye and a
blade was held to his throat. DJ’s familiar voice said, “These people you held
captive. They were never meant to be slaves for your corporate banks. I came
here to free them. They’re not just ‘cheeky bastards’. They’re hard workers who
deserve much better than the treatment you gave them today.”
“I’ll give you whatever you want! Just don’t hurt me! I’ll
never come by here again!” pleaded Andrew.
“Anything I want, huh? Alright then. Tell me who you work
for and I might let you go.”
The next morning at Babylon Bank, the chubby, white-haired
CEO received a package in his office. He smiled at it with his saggy jowls and
opened it up like it was a Christmas present. It was delivered by Andrew
Bradley, so he was expecting a brightly shining Ninja Ruby. Instead all he got
was pieces of Andrew’s hair and his heart. A bloody, sloppy heart that would
have been cold even without the dry ice. The CEO screamed in a tone-deaf voice
that would have woken up the dead, including Andrew Bradley.
