It’s Saturday afternoon and you don’t feel like getting out of bed. The skies are as gray as television static. A few cloudy tears might fall from the sky and freeze the air like a meat locker. For days like these, the first thing you probably want to do is grab a blanket and a book and immerse yourself in literature. In this case, you’ll want to grab a copy of “Fun Home” by Alison Bechdel, where the greenish-gray graphic novel pages resemble the rainy mood of that day’s weather. Unlike most graphic novels, there are no superheroes with heat vision and bloodbaths that empty into the sidewalk storm drain. This is a lesbian memoir. More importantly, it’s Alison Bechdel’s personal quest for knowledge as to why her strict and secretly gay father died the way he did. She has many theories. Because he wanted to escape from homophobic cruelty, because he wanted to escape from being married to a woman, because he wanted to take his secret to the grave with him, etc. But even more intriguing to Miss Bechdel is how her dad’s sexuality influenced her own since she too is a homosexual. She was fascinated by little nuances such as having short hair, dressing like a tomboy, engaging in predominately male hobbies, and so many others. In case you don’t have enough appreciation for how hard this personal mystery solving must have been for Miss Bechdel considering her complex relationship with her father, listen to this. Since the artistic style of the comic book is more realistic than what she’s used to, she resorted to taking photographs of herself in the corresponding poses and using them as reference pictures when she did her drawing. A lesser artist would have taken the easy way out and drawn in a simpler comic book style. But to go through all of this painstaking effort to put together a graphic novel about self-discovery? That takes not only a great deal of patience, but an even greater deal of dedication. All things considered, it’s no wonder why this wonderful graphic novel received so much attention from award-givers. “Fun Home” is also required reading for a lot of college classes. I know because I took one of those classes at WWU. Congratulations, Alison Bechdel, for creating something beautiful out of the complexity of your past. That’s the mark of a true artist.
***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
LINDSAY: You know the thing about writing? People are always trying to give you advice, but sometimes you just have to go back to your own room and do it yourself.
GEENA: Sounds like my sex life lately.
-Playtime-
Having a tattoo doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a 1% badass who rides around on a Harley 24/7. But when your body ink begins to tell stories of the future and the past as they move across your skin, don’t be surprised when the guy hearing these stories has wide eyes and an even wider mouth. And quick feet, let‘s not forget that either. “The Illustrated Man” by Ray Bradbury documents the story of a tattoo-covered man who fits this bill. In fact, his body ink inspired an entire anthology of stories in a little over 200 pages. What kind of stories do we get from this man’s skin art? How about the one that’s as notorious as they come. You know, the one that almost all high school students have to read at some point. The tale of two spoiled brat children who spend their lives in a crystallized room that lets them experience television firsthand instead of vicariously. Or how about the one where a bunch of space jockeys are trapped on Venus and are driven mad by the harsh rain pounding on their softening skulls. Or maybe you prefer the one where a bunch of neighborhood kids are playing out in the streets an enacting an alien invasion scene, which is dead close to reality, by the way. No matter which story you decide is your favorite, you can be guaranteed that every single time, you will be educated beyond your wildest imagination. Ray Bradbury educates you by punishing his characters for their negative traits such as racial ignorance, selfishness, zeal, hatred, and a litany of other things that should be frowned upon by anybody with a shred of positivity within them. It shouldn’t come as any surprise that Bradbury went on to have an illustrious career as an author that spanned many decades. And because it spanned many decades, the wise author left this life recently due to old age. Despite how many miles he had on him, I still believe he left us too soon. Rest in peace, Ray Bradbury. “The Illustrated Man” and the lessons it teaches will never be forgotten except by those who possess the ignorance necessary to be punished for it. Sometimes I think Mr. Bradbury would have had a stroke anyways if he saw the way us humans behaved.
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“New rule: if churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch on fire. Sorry Reverend, that’s one of those services that comes with paying in. I’ll use the fire department that I pay for, you can pray for rain.”
-Bill Maher-
I’ll be the first to say that “I Can Make Out With Any Girl Here” by Ryan Nemeth isn’t the most technically sound book when it comes to writing style. Instead of a traditional novel format, this story is told through journal entries, emails, text messages, phone calls, etc. This particular way of doing things doesn’t allow much wiggle room for showing instead of telling. But even with all of these things working against the Generation Y member known as Ryan Nemeth, his book is still entertaining from beginning to end. He takes a college freshman known as Donny Blake and puts him through a humorous journey through his schooling which involves promiscuous sex, pranks involving pig fetuses, going on spending sprees, and flirting with his French teacher. Donny’s stereotypically chaotic behavior lands him in hot water with the college administration and he’s looking at a punishment somewhere between being expelled from school and being thrown in jail. What exactly could Donny Blake have done in order to deserve such a brutal punishment? That’s for you to find out when you eventually go to Amazon.com and purchase a copy of this fast-paced giggle fest. Speaking of Amazon, that’s really the only place I know of that has a copy of the book. I haven’t seen it in places like Fred Meyer or Barnes & Noble. Then again, it’s easy to get lost in those places worse than a child at Disneyland. It’s probably for the best that the only way to find this book is via search engine. And when you eventually do your internet searches for Ryan Nemeth, you’ll find out that he is the real-life brother of WWE superstar Dolph Ziggler. Truth be told, if I didn’t know that Dolph Ziggler had a brother, I would have never found out about this book. In any event, I’m very thankful that I did find out about it. Despite its unorthodox writing style, it is a fun book to read. You may even get through it in one whole day like I did. Expect nothing less than a giggling riot when you read this book that was, and I’m not making this up, published by a company called Yellow Snow Press. You sure as shit won’t find this book under the Harlequin or Del Rey banner, unless of course you consider Donny Blake boinking a girl called Ugly Jen to be romantic or if you consider pig fetuses to be a part of some sci-fi conspiracy theory.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“For a minute there, I thought Daniel Bryan was just an old guy in his underwear.”
-Dolph Ziggler-
An unfortunate stereotype that comes with being a Generation Y member is that we suck at being grammatically correct, especially when it comes to text messaging and having conversations on the internet. We’d rather LOL at our BFF’s than write ten-page essays on nuclear physics. The thing about this stereotype is that it’s reinforced by the fact that more college and high school students these days are doing poorly on English exams, much worse than Baby Boomers and Generation X members before them. If you want a nonfiction book that will save you from the perils of being part of this statistic, I just may have the thing for you. Christians have the bible, Muslims have the Quran, and now young English students have “How Not to Write a Novel” by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman. Incorrect grammar is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all of the common mistakes this book documents. Stereotypical characters, hyperbolic descriptions, plot holes that can’t be pieced together easily, minimalism, this book does it all when it comes to pointing out faults in manuscripts the authors have received before. I’ll bet you my life savings that you as a writer have made at least one or two of these many mistakes sometime during your young writing career. When I was in my teens, I engaged in minimalism. In my mid-20’s, it was hyperbolic descriptions. I do my best to correct the mistakes I make, but this particular nonfiction book isn’t a substitute for a personal editor. The book is a general list of common errors while a personal editor gets to the root of what a budding author does specifically. If nothing else, you should at least get a kick out of reading some examples of the mistakes made. You want to hear a few of them? Here they are. No author, under any circumstances, should describe a piece of sausage as looking like a penis, especially when they’re trying to sell it as being delicious. And there definitely shouldn’t be anybody who would describe the flow of a waterfall as being comparable to drunken piss. Even in comedic novels, these are laughable for all the wrong reasons. Speaking of comparisons, it’s not necessary to pepper every other line with them as a way of showing instead of telling. Simply saying things like “raven black hair” and “rose red lips” to describe the beauty of a female character should be sufficient. It paints a picture and the reader is very happy. You know who else is going to be happy? The next budding author who buys this book. If you learn nothing else from it, you should at least get a few giggles out of the examples of bad writing. Giggling is the best medicine, never forget proverbs.
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“There are some large organizations out there whose names are a little mixed up. The Department of Water and Power. Well, water and power don’t really go together, you’ll get fucking electrocuted. The Food and Drug Administration. Well, with most drugs, you don’t have any food. Except for marijuana, but they shouldn’t be bothering people with marijuana in the first place. Then you have that really interesting organization The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Do I even have to talk about this one? Bad combination. Here’s what you do. You call the police The Department of Power and Firearms. Then you have the Food and Water Administration since those are two things you need to survive. Then you’re left with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Drugs, keep all the good shit in one place.”
-George Carlin-
If there’s one way to describe the humor in “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, it would be controlled randomness. In other words, Douglas Adams is rolling the dice most of the time, but those dice are loaded. If you seem confused after the first page of the book, don’t be. Being confused and oblivious to the galaxy is Arthur Dent’s job, for he is the main character of the story. His day begins with him trying to prevent a bulldozer from flattening his London home. Seems like a perfectly normal way to start the morning, wouldn’t you agree? If that wasn’t bizarre enough, he now has to be rescued by an alien disguised as a human actor named Ford Prefect before the world is obliterated by a nasty race of deep space creatures with violent tendencies. By this time, Arthur Dent is scratching his head so much that he can feel his brain with every poke. Add to this ragtag group of characters an alien politician with multiple limbs, his super hot girlfriend, and an ultra-depressed and pessimistic robot and you’ve got a recipe for craziness that even an entire roster of asylum patients couldn’t come up with on their best day. The controlled randomness comes out in full swing with a ship device known as the Improbability Drive, a weapon which literally makes the impossible possible. Does it seem highly likely to you that two nuclear warheads will suddenly transform into a whale and a bowl of flowers? Neither did anybody else before the Improbability Drive worked its magic. It had to have been magic. If by this point in the story you’re scratching your head as much as Arthur Dent, Douglas Adams has already done his job. His writing style will run circles around you until you’re dizzier than a vertigo patient on a rollercoaster. But at the same time, you’ll be giggling so much that your ribs will ache worse than getting a body punch from Mike Tyson. The chances of you having a frown by the time this lightning fast read is over are so low that it would take an Improbability Drive to make it happen. But before you can thank Douglas Adams for giving you a reason to flush your Lexapro down the toilet, make sure you actually know where his grave is. That’s right. Even though he was in his elder years, he passed way too soon. Rest in peace, buddy. And thank you for the giggly stories.
***JOKE OF THE DAY***
Q: What’s the difference between a teenager’s dialogue and his Face Book page?
A: About 50,000 likes.
When WWE legend Mick Foley tells you to have a nice day, you can be pretty sure that the rest of your day is going to be filled with barbed wire bats to the skull and pointed elbows through the chest. But in order to get that kind of recognition, Foley had to go through a lot of personal trials that made him as tough as he is today. Even though “Have a Nice Day” was published in 1999, it makes perfect sense in today’s world of wrestling. Like a lot of wrestlers getting their start in the business, Foley was broke and could barely pay for training. He also had a hard time paying for everyday expenses when he eventually emerged on the independent scene. So how was it that a moneyless wrestler with a Buddha belly become a WWE legend over the course of his lifetime? By paying his dues, that’s how. After continuing to press forward in the independent territories, he eventually had a job at WCW, a company that paid him very well despite him not being used to his full potential. Being well-paid is never enough for a wrestler to achieve his dreams of being a big star. Following his departure from WCW in 1994, he went to ECW and garnered recognition as a hardcore badass who loved to use weapons. After taking so many weapon strikes and dangerous bumps to the point where his career would have ended, he then jumped ship to WWE. Like a lot of youngsters that went to WWE from another company, Mick Foley’s character was crafted to perfection. As the raving lunatic known as Mankind, he had memorable matches with the likes of The Rock and The Undertaker, which eventually led to him winning the biggest prize in the industry: the WWE Championship. While there will never be a carbon copy of Mick Foley and the things he went through, it wouldn’t hurt if the young wrestlers of today read this piece of nonfiction as a guide on how to pay your dues in this business. Even though it’s well beyond 1999, these words still hold true to this day. As long as you train religiously, put on stellar matches, listen to the elder members of the business, and know your net worth in the wrestling market, you’ll do just fine in the treacherous waters of professional wrestling. Mick Foley did all of these things and even years after going into retirement, he’s a household name that nobody will forget. Some of the youngsters in the business today have perfected these strategies down to a science and have great careers because of it. If guys like John Cena, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Sheamus, Randy Orton, and Rey Mysterio can become greats by paying their dues, then that opens the door to any athlete who wants it badly enough.
***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
MICHAEL COLE: That ambulance weighs over 5,000 lbs!
JERRY LAWLER: Why would you want to weigh an ambulance?
Getting a child to sleep is one of the most difficult tasks in the modern world. Sure, you can try rocking him back and forth, giving him a glass of warm milk, or even dipping his pacifier in a bottle of cough syrup, which I don’t recommend. But sooner or later, probably at 3:00 in the morning, you’re going to hear a combination of teeny tiny footsteps and either crying or pleading. When all else fails, there’s one more solution you can turn to in order to salvage the remains of your sanity. It’s a bedtime story parody for adults called “Go the Fuck to Sleep”, written by a father who went through all of the BS that comes with raising a child. In a tender daddy voice, the author, Adam Mansbach, lets the child know that he doesn’t give a crap if you’re thirsty for water, hungry for a snack, desperate for a bathroom trip, or bored without having a Disney movie playing in the background. One way or another, you’re going the fuck to sleep. And if the idea of a tender daddy voice reading this blunt story isn’t satisfying enough, then feel free to get on You Tube and search for a video where Samuel L. Jackson reads it out loud. Yes, that video exists. The same guy who dared Brett to say “What?” one more time, motherfucker, is narrating this harshly honest book of what all parents are thinking when putting their kids to bed. That way, if your child can’t sleep because he’s hungry for a snack, then he and Mr. Jackson can share a giant bag of Big Kahuna burgers together before washing them down with a tasty Sprite. But since Samuel L. Jackson is a little bit difficult to find these days, you’ll have to buy the book and have the cathartic experience yourself. Come to think of it, it’s probably not a good idea to read this story to your kids because of the language. If nothing else, it’s a very satisfying and giggly book. It goes by excessively fast, but only because it’s a parody of what impatient children love to hear at bedtime. Keep this book proudly in your own personal library. It just may be a better form of birth control than condoms and pills put together. What’s that? You already have children? No worries, it just means you can relate to this wonderful piece of literature even more. Thank you, Adam Mansbach, for saying what we’re all thinking deep down inside.
***REAL LIFE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
ME: Have you ever wondered why your parents fed you corndogs, popsicles, and tacos?
FRIEND: Because they wanted me to grow up big and strong.
ME: Oh yeah! They love watching you eat your favorite foods!
FRIEND: Garrison, that’s sick!
