Books Based On Videogames

It’s 2001/2002 and you’re a member of Playbyweb.com, a post-to-post RPG website. You try to establish an RPG based on a popular videogame only to be met with comments like, “Why don’t you just play the videogame?” Are you sick of those comments yet? Get used to them, because in 2009 when you officially solidify your status as a bookworm, you take an interest in books that were adapted from videogames. A few weeks ago, I went to Barnes & Noble and bought something that I look forward to reading someday: “Diablo III: The Order”. I’ve never played Diablo III, just the second one and the first one. Judging from how memorable Diablo II was, I figured that the third one in the series should be just as exciting and fast-paced. I expect the book will be just as action-packed as the videogames themselves. This will be the attitude I take with me whenever I go shopping for books at Barnes & Noble. There’s a whole sprawl of books and graphic novels based on videogames. I’ve seen ones based on Halo, Diablo (as I’ve said earlier), Sonic, and…those are the only ones my shitty memory will allow me to say. I’m sure there are others. Shit, just the other day, I was surfing Amazon and I purchased a copy of “Super Mario: How Nintendo Ruled America” by Jeff Ryan. It’s nonfiction of course since it’s in the style of a biography. I’ll look good on my shelf once it gets here. In the meantime, all this talk about books committed to videogames makes me want to see some novels based on other games as well. A Mario biography is nice, but how about a novel based in the Mario universe? Wouldn’t you like to see a story told through the creepily curled eyes of Phanto? I would, that’s for damn sure. Or how about a Final Fantasy IV novel told in a Calcobrena Puppet’s point of view? I’m sure that would sell. Hell, I’ll even settle for a Pac-Man book if it’s at all possible. I’m sure someone out there with a wild imagination could do it. Or if you’re into something a little more action-packed, let’s try some Street Fighter and Tekken books. There’s a whole universe of videogames out there that hasn’t been exploited yet. The only thing stopping authors like me from exploiting them is the anal-retentive copyright laws where corporations will literally sue over nothing. That’s part of the ongoing debate over fan fiction these days: internet postings and personal sharing is fine, but no official publication lest you be taken to court. If there are any authors out there who are more capable of getting a license to write videogame books than I am, I implore you, make these novels a reality. And no, I won’t just “play the videogame”, because I’ll get frustrated by the immense difficulty level. The last time I actually played a game was in 2010 when I kept getting my ass kicked by a lava dragon in Final Fantasy III for the Nintendo DS. It seems hypocritical that I would want videogame based novels after not having played one in three years. Maybe I’m just nostalgic since they were a huge part of my childhood. So how about it? Will we have that Donkey Kong novel or not? Anybody? Hello!

　

***CODY’S ARMY***

Whenever I’m not posting blog entries like the one I just did or writing chapters of Hardcore Hate 2: It‘s a Real War, I’ll be reading “Cody’s Army” by Jim Case. I’m 20 pages into it and it’s already an exciting thrill ride.

　

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Mickey Mouse is in Walt Disney’s office and Walt says, “I can’t just fire Minnie for being stupid.” Mickey says, “I didn’t say she was stupid. I said she was fucking Goofy.”

"The Cat Who Went Bananas" by Lilian Jackson Braun

Something else you can expect from a Lilian Jackson Braun book is nonlinear progression. In the case of “The Cat Who Went Bananas”, there are a whole bunch of different things going on as the story advances. Koko and Yum-Yum getting fed, petted, and loved is always a staple of these cozy mysteries, otherwise it wouldn’t be called “The Cat Who…”. And then you have Jim Qwilleran’s orders from his doctor to eat more bananas. The slipping on a banana peel gag becomes very important midway through the story, so pay attention. And then you have Polly Duncan, Qwill’s best friend, becoming emotionally distant ever since turning her library into a bookstore. There’s also an Oscar Wilde play being performed at the Theater Arts auditorium, which attracts the attention of a lady-killer named Alden Wade. Of course, this story would be incomplete if it wasn’t for Qwill being asked to write a story about the Hibbard House, a beat up old mansion that survived many generations despite burning to the ground several times. With all of these things being mixed into one nonlinear story, you’re probably asking yourself when the actual mystery begins. It all starts when Ronnie, an actor for the Oscar Wilde play, gets into a car accident on his way to town. When the medical examiner did the autopsy on him, they found that he was on drugs and alcohol. It wasn’t in Ronnie’s nature to do those kinds of things to his own body, so the plot definitely thickens here. If you need somebody to suspect, try Alden Wade. When he visits Qwill’s house, Koko immediately dislikes him and expresses his hatred with hisses and death howls. Remember when I said that the slipping on a banana peel gag would become important? Well, it turns out that Koko planted that banana peel in the right place at the right time so that Alden Wade would slip and tumble. I won’t tell you why you should be suspicious of him. You’ll just have to buy a copy of this cute and cuddly book to find out. With Koko, Yum-Yum, a marmalade kitty with “magical eyes” named Dundee, a precious pile of fluff named Jet Stream, and a saggy jowled puppy-duppy named Tasso, even the most brutal mystery can be a warm, fuzzy, snuggly read. Not that this one is brutal, but you get the picture. I hope.

　

***FACEBOOK MEME OF THE DAY***

Twenty years ago, we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die!

"Maus I" by Art Spiegelman

It’s never been a huge secret that what went on in Nazi Europe during World War II was disgusting on Hitler’s part. With “Maus I” by Art Spiegelman, you get a closer look as to how brutal the dictatorship really was, as told by Art’s father Vladek Spiegelman. Getting a hold of this information didn’t come without verbal sparring between the father and son, not to mention with Mala as well, Vladek’s new wife. Vladek lived his life appreciative of what little he had since that’s how he was forced to live during his time in Nazi Europe. He pinched his pennies and stashed his food, because he knew that any moment, he could be shoved into a concentration camp or killed on the spot like a lot of his relatives and close friends were. All of this senseless violence simply because he was Jewish. Art Spiegelman could have told his father’s story anyway he wanted to. He could have written it in novel form if he so desired, but instead, he chose the route of a graphic novelist. He chose to represent the Jewish people as mice and the Nazi soldiers as cats. I probably don’t have to tell you what that kind of symbolism is supposed to represent. It would be like contrasting dragons to people or spiders to flies. It could be that the reason Art Spiegelman chose to draw Jewish people as mice is because of the harsh way in which they were depicted by Nazi propaganda films. Art would never suggest that his own people were comparable to rats or mice, but he drew them that way to depict a deadly reality that took place in those desolate times. The few happy moments this graphic novel has are far between each other. There is no happiness in a place like Nazi Europe. Just death, destruction, starvation, and hard labor. You know that Vladek Spiegelman survived this ordeal because there are frames of him telling his story to his son Art. You wouldn’t believe that this was a survivor’s tale otherwise. It was that torturous. If this doesn’t depress the hell out of you, you’re probably being poked in the belly like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Buy a copy for yourself and see why Art Spiegelman won a Pulitzer Prize for his hard work.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“She sees him laying in the bed alone tonight. The only thing touching him is a crack of light. Pieces of her hair are wrapped around and ‘round his fingers. And he reaches for her side for any sign of her that lingers. And she says, ‘You are not alone laying in the light. Put out the fire in your head and lay with me tonight.’”

-Patty Griffin singing “Not Alone”-

"Dana White: Ultimate Fighting Quotes" by Nathan Cairns

To give you an idea of what you can expect from this teeny tiny 50-page book, I’ve decided to treat you all to an actual speech Dana White gave as it relates to EliteXC, a rival promotion that was trying to run UFC into the ground. It goes like this:

“The idiot Gary Shaw actually does an interview with the LA Times where he says, ‘We didn’t do anything wrong. There’s nothing wrong with paying people to stand up. We’ve got no problem doing that.’ Yes, you scumbag! There is a problem with that! Think about this: Mandalay Bay and the Venetian both had betting on this. You, the consumer, the mixed-martial arts fan, can go in and bet on these fights. You’re probably thinking, ‘Well, if Seth Petruzelli can get Kimbo Slice to the ground, this fight’s over. I’m going to bet my money that Seth Petruzelli is going to win by submission.’ But you don’t know the scumbag promoters behind the scenes went in and paid Seth Petruzelli to not go to the ground. They paid him to stand up, you know why? They thought Kimbo Slice was going to viciously knock him out. But Kimbo Slice sucks, like I’ve been saying for a couple of months now. This fucking guy can’t fight and he got knocked out in 13 seconds by a guy who didn’t win the Ultimate Fighter, who didn’t win fights in the UFC. They actually brought him up from the undercard to fight the main event guy and he knocks Kimbo Slice out in 13 seconds. It would be like if there’s a game between the Browns and the Patriots and the NFL goes backstage and says to the Browns, ‘We know you guys have a great running game, so we’re to pay you money to just pass the ball, because the Patriots pull higher ratings than you do and we need them to make it to the playoffs.’ That’s fucking illegal! So Gary Shaw, rapper, whatever the fuck your name is, Shaw Jr., and Jeremy Lappen, if you think going to the ground is boring, that’s mixed-martial arts. You scumbags need to be in the kickboxing business if that’s what you’re selling, if you need to pay guys to stand up. These fucking jerk-offs don’t care about mixed-martial arts. They’re just in it for the money. Me and my crew have been busting our asses trying to promote this sport and show how incredible these athletes are, and now you’ve got these boxing scumbags trying to fix fights. It’s unbelievable!”

Believe it or not, that was just the appetizer. The main course comes when you actually purchase the book! Happy reading!

　

***MIXED-MARTIAL ARTS QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Gunnar Nelson is so calm, he looks like he’s getting ready to go to bed.”

-Joe Rogan-

"Bart Simpson's Treehouse of Horror: Heebie-Jeebie Hullabaloo" by Matt Groening

If you’re a Simpsons fan and you especially love their Treehouse of Horror episodes, then you’ll have to wait an entire year for the next installment. If on the other hand you don’t have that kind of patience, I recommend buying “Bart Simpson’s Treehouse of Horror: Heebie-Jeebie Hullabaloo”. Goddamn, that’s a long title, but with a short page count. This graphic novel has everything you could ever want in a Treehouse of Horror episode: comedy, fright, and a few intermissions in between. By intermissions, I mean things other than lame-ass, tame-ass auto insurance commercials on TV. Those things would include a mad lib done by different members of the Simpson clan, a spider web of Springfield citizens “cursing” each other, ramblings of the sea captain telling weird-ass stories, those kinds of things. But those are just the intermissions in between chapters. For the actual chapters, you’ve got things that bring chills to your spine more often than a Gracie Films logo with a screaming woman in the background. But while your spine is tingling worse than a spider bite, you might also get a few chuckles to ease the nervous feeling in your tummy. You’ve got Sideshow Bob turning into Sideshow Blob, Springfield citizens being replaced with boring versions of themselves, Bart chasing a naked Homer with a fisherman’s pike, and the very remote possibility that Homer, if he was replaced with a dull version of himself, might not care about professional wrestling anymore. That’s right, Homer! Run those stubby little legs to freedom! We must have pro-wrestling! Actually, he can’t run far without being caught by insane asylum orderlies who try to convince him he’s nuts. Ah hell, it has to be said at some point, so we might as well take advantage of the segue. This whole graphic novel is nuts. And if you need more proof, take a look at the couch gag at the back of the book: the Simpsons laying on the couch with pieces of their bodies falling off and their skeletons visible. It’s a shame that couch gag wasn’t used on TV with the creepy music playing in the background. That would make for some nerve-wracking shit! But since you have to wait a whole year for another Treehouse of Horror episode, just buy this book.

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

GRANDPA: Quick! We have to kill the boy!
MARGE: How did you know he’s a vampire?
GRANDPA: He’s a vampire?! AAHH!!

-Simpsons Treehouse of Horror IV-

"Gone Too Soon" by Ian Hamilton

As you can guess from the title of this book, you won’t be expecting a happy ending…or middle…or beginning. What this 90-page summary implies is that it actually took tragedies in order for the wrestling business to change. These changes should have taken place a long time ago, but it’s an ugly side of life we all have to live with at some point. Take for instance the first person this book talks about, Owen Hart. He was a fun guy to be around and a great performer in the ring. The fact that he’s never won a world title before is a sacrilege. He would have had a lifetime to do it, but in order for that to happen, he couldn’t have performed a stunt from the top of the rafters and fallen to his death. Unfortunately, that’s how Owen’s life came to an end: the harness he was wearing broke and he plummeted to the ground below. It actually took that accident for the writers to realize that dangerous stunts like those should be kept to a minimum and closely monitored. Or not even done at all, that would be even better. You know who else could have used close monitoring? Eddie Guerrero. For a while, he was heavily into drugs and alcohol and it got so bad that he had to be released from WWE. Upon completing rehab and getting himself clean, he came back to the company and ended up winning the WWE Championship from Brock Lesnar. That would end up being his only world title reign as a year later, he had a heart attack from all the drug abuse he put himself through. Because of that horrifying death, WWE put into place the Wellness Program, where superstars can be suspended for testing positive for drugs of any kind. It seems good on paper until you consider the case of Chris Benoit, who passed several drug tests despite having a high ratio of testosterone in his body. Because of his own problems with performance-enhancing drugs and several blows to the head, he went into a rage and murdered his wife and child before hanging himself on exercise equipment. I’ve said it before and it bears to be repeated: it shouldn’t take a tragedy for regulations to be in effect, let alone three. And the sad part about all of this? These three wrestlers, Owen Hart, Eddie Guerrero, and Chris Benoit, are not the only ones who died under such circumstances. If you look near the back of the book, you’ll see an entire list of people who died prematurely. It’s depressing to see your heroes go so soon. It really is.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“These wounds won’t seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There’s just too much that time cannot erase. When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears. When you screamed, I’d fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me. I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone. But though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along.”

-Evanescence singing “My Immortal”-

"Joker" by Brian Azzarello

You don’t really need any confirmation as to how creepy The Joker can be. Just buy a copy of this graphic novel and look at the cover. That is not a mouth anybody would want to kiss, unless of course they were bulimic and needed a reason to throw up. Looking at the cover by itself, do you think that The Joker is someone you want to hang around with? Jonny Frost seems to think so, but even he has his pants-pissing moments when trying to figure him out. The Joker will step on graves, slash throats, pump people full of lead, and any other form of hideous torture that will earn him the control of Gotham City he once had. These underworld kingpins made the mistake of taking over the criminal activity while Joker was locked up in Arkham Asylum. Not very smart! Dead bodies are piling up everywhere and it all happens under the naïve Jonny Frost’s watch, who once said himself that The Joker is like a disease spread around Gotham City to which there is no cure. Sure, Batman can come in at the most inopportune time and save the day, but you know what? His nemesis will keep coming back for as long as he needs to. That’s how on edge the citizens of Gotham need to be, as well as Jonny Frost. It’s that level of creepiness that brings out the gruesome nature this graphic novel has to offer. You never know when The Joker is going to strike or why he does it in the first place, but you know it will happen eventually. Combine this frightening aura with a neo-noir backdrop and you’ve got a formula for a successful graphic novel. Noir is supposed to be a dark genre to begin with. Shadows cover the characters in order to retain their element of surprise for when they eventually come back into the light and scare the living crap out of whoever’s in front of them. If you need a reference, think of “Batman: The Animated Series” and turn the rating up to somewhere between TV-14 and TV-MA. If you’re not shitting your pants just from reading this graphic novel, you need to eat more vegetables.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“On your own admission, you raised up the knife. And you brought it down ending another man’s life. When it was done, you just threw down the blade while the red blood spread wider like the anger you made. I don’t want this anger burning in me. It’s something from which it’s so hard to be free. And none of the tears that we cried in sorrow or rage can make any difference or turn back the page.”

-David Gilmour singing “Murder”-