Barbarians and Wizards

***BARBARIANS AND WIZARDS***

My brother James and I have this running gag in our conversations where all of my thoughts revolve around barbarians and wizards. Am I writing a new novel? It’s about barbarians and wizards. Am I watching a TV show? It’s about barbarians and wizards. Am I taking Lego pictures? They feature barbarians and wizards. While my brother is technically not wrong, he’s also only half-right. Beautiful Monster’s main character is a warrior elf who lashes the shit out of his opponents with a chain whip. Is he a barbarian? In fighting style only. The main villainess of that story is a seductive sex trafficker who rapes him. Is she a wizard? Not physically, but she’ll put a spell on you anyways. Okay, maybe James is right more than half of the time.

Even my contemporary short stories and novellas have elements of barbarian and wizard dynamics. My most recent first draft, Incelbordination, features an angry, pugilistic dwarf as its main character. Is he a barbarian? Well, he can rage like one, especially when he’s being bullied or deprived of romance. So at the very least, he’s an emotional barbarian. But what about the main villain of that story? Well, he’s a cult of personality whose followers subscribe to the incel culture. He’s got his minions by the balls and he won’t stop until the main character’s mind belongs to him. Is the villain a wizard? If brainwashing is a magic spell, then yes, he could be a contemporary version of a wizard.

What about the contemporary novella that came before Beautiful Monster and Incelbordination? It’s called Silent Warrior and features an emo high school senior with an eating disorder and a head full of trauma. Is he a barbarian? Not physically since he’s a hundred pounds soaking wet while holding an anchor. Emotionally? He very well could be. He’s got anger and disrespect for authority down to a science. What about his social studies teacher? While not a leader in any sense of the word, he still has a negative, conformist influence over his students, much like the math teacher from Pink Floyd the Wall. Is he a wizard? Again, brainwashing could be a spell, so yes, the social studies villain could technically be a wizard.

Of course, my brother is clearly joking when he teases me for being obsessed with barbarians and wizards. We both get a good laugh out of it. But where did this obsession come from? Well, I’ve always liked the fantasy genre ever since I watched James play Final Fantasy IV, Final Fantasy VI, and Chrono Trigger on the Super Nintendo back in the 1990’s. But my barbarian and wizard obsession didn’t start with those games specifically, although Ayla from Chrono Trigger and Umaro from Final Fantasy VI could fit the barbarian role to a fault. My obsession didn’t even come from playing Hero Quest as an even smaller child (because the main classes the player could be included the barbarian and the wizard).

I have Diablo II: Lord of Destruction to thank for my obsession, specifically with barbarians. As a lover of RPG’s, I’ve always enjoyed playing as the physical, in-your-face, melee range warriors. It didn’t matter if their mana was drained, because physical attacks didn’t require it and even if they did, the warriors could keep going and going in spite of it. Once a wizard runs out of mana, he’s fucked, because he’s not strong enough to go toe-to-toe with his enemies. Warriors, on the other hand, exemplify self-sufficiency to the nth degree. The barbarian in Diablo II was always lauded as an unequaled melee-range fighter. He could use two weapons at once, he could withstand a shit-load of punishment, and he could dish it out like nobody else.

Later in life, I would find out that the paladin was a nastier brawler than the barbarian. Paladins can strike multiple times in one sitting and they have magical auras that don’t cost a damn thing. My favorite aura to give the paladin was cold elemental, which froze my enemies and slowed them down to unbearable speeds. Plus, it added damage to my multiple attacks. The paladin actually did more damage than my dual-wielding barbarian. But if I had known this as a teenager, I probably would have developed an obsession with paladins instead of barbarians.

Without my barbarian obsession, there would be no Deus Shadowheart. Who is Deus Shadowheart, you ask? He was my Gary-Stu killing machine, that’s who. He had been the main protagonist of my stories long before I knew that Gary-Stu was a pejorative. He hacked off limbs, he ripped flesh like it was Christmas paper, and he bathed in blood with every swing of his axe. But unfortunately, this doesn’t make for a relatable character and if there’s one thing readers love, it’s someone they can relate to. As of today, he’s a character in a Poison Tongue Tales story called Deus Ex Machina, where being a Gary-Stu works to the story’s advantage. Be sure to pick up a copy of Poison Tongue Tales at your favorite online retailer! But seriously, I’m glad Deus found a home he can be comfortable with.

My barbarian obsession didn’t end with just story characters. I lived the gimmick as well. Okay, so I didn’t cannibalize and maim everybody in my path, but I’ve got the attitude down pat. I scream in anger whenever little things go wrong with my computer. I swear like a sailor whenever the phone rings and it’s for me. I eat every meal like a pig and get pieces of food stuck to my shirt. I burp and fart in public without saying “excuse me”. I used to watch professional wrestling religiously before it started sucking and the wrestlers themselves could be considered barbarians. Hell, the current WWE Raw Tag Team Champions are a pair of Viking warriors named Erik and Ivar. Even the Authors of Pain were barbaric in their fighting styles and muscular body types before they were relegated to bodily function jokes (AOP is short for Authors of Pain and can also be made fun of by saying AOPee-Pee).

The one part about barbarian life I will never agree with is the refusal to learn how to read and write. As a semi-professional author, knowing how to read and write is a part of my fucking job! Hell, this blog entry wouldn’t exist if I was illiterate. My college degree wouldn’t exist either. But yeah, because barbarians exist on the fringes of society, they don’t have the same access to education that the nobles would have. Would being educated hamper a barbarian’s ability to rage? Not really. Once a barbarian, always a barbarian. If anything, they’ll do what I did with my career and write crappy novellas about wrestling and, you guessed it, violent battles involving barbarians and wizards.

So why am I writing this blog entry to begin with if my barbarian obsession was already obvious to everyone here? Because even though I (allegedly) think about them 24/7, I need a reminder every now and then of where my creative fuel comes from. Whenever I have days where I’m bored out of my mind and mentally exhausted, I can feel my creativity dwindling away. I want to energize myself and beat the shit out of the mentally ill demons that hold me down, so this is what I have to do. Does it always work? No. Does my depression, schizophrenia, and litany of mental illnesses get in the way sometimes? Absolutely. It’s the reason why I can’t sustain an aggressive writing career, so I have to work from the shadows. It sucks. It sucks badly that my life is hampered by mental exhaustion and mental illnesses, but there’s not a whole lot I can do about it…except for energize my creativity through barbarians and wizards…and apparently orcish prostitutes, which was one James recently added to my list of obsessions. Hehe!

I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!

***QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I know not what weapons World War III will be fought with, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

-Albert Einstein-

***POST-SCRIPT***

Actually, a barbarian might feel at home fighting with primitive weapons such as sticks and stones.

Seaside Vacation

***SEASIDE VACATION***

From May 3^rd to the 5^th (Wednesday through Friday), I’m headed out to Seaside, Oregon for a vacation with my parents. I’ve been to this city three different times and it never loses its beauty. Dog friendliness, fun beaches, lovely weather, good food, and lots to do; that’s Seaside in a nutshell. During these three days of rest and relaxation, there will be no creative output from me other than reading my book and maybe some photography (which I won’t upload until after I get home). However, since the WSS contests begin every Wednesday with a new prompt, I’ll only be gone until Friday, so that means I have Saturday to recover and Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday to pump out the next chapter of Demon Axe. Keep your fingers crossed that I get to do some writing before the next contest. There will be another vacation I’ll tell you guys about two weeks from the Seaside one, so look forward to that blog entry in the near future. I may be gone, but I’ll always come back and chitchat with my awesome audience. I may even do some of that when I’m using the hotel computer or an internet café. See you later, alligators!

***DEMON AXE, CHAPTER 22***

The novel’s almost over, folks. Just this chapter and an epilogue are all I have left. I don’t want to give away too much of chapter 22 because I ended chapter 21 on a cliffhanger. Roger Zee sees something out in the distance that keeps him from slashing the hell out of our main heroes. If you’ve figured out what this is, then congratulations to you. If you haven’t, enjoy the surprise. Hopefully it won’t translate to a Deus Ex Machina surprise.

***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

If John Cena and Nikki Bella ever decide to have a child together and it’s a daughter, they probably shouldn’t name her Tina. Nothing says “Gooker Award Winner” like a grown woman named Tina Cena.

Brandon Sanderson's Rules of Magic

***BRANDON SANDERSON’S RULES OF MAGIC***

You’re probably wondering why I’m posting a blog entry about Brandon Sanderson when I haven’t read a single one of his books (yet). Well, it all began when I started seeing the author’s name plastered across many Good Reads forums and status updates. I had to check out what all of the hubbub was about, so I looked him up on Wikipedia. Not only is he a fantasy author with many accolades and publications to his name, but he came up with three rules for magic powers when writing stories. These rules were designed to cut down on Deus Ex Machina situations and present something that was believable to even the most skeptical audiences. Adam Blampied, a contributor to the pop culture website What Culture, once complained that magic didn’t have any boundaries and therefore created too many unseen variables and impossible situations for the heroes. He has a valid point, one that I’d like to answer with Brandon Sanderson’s three rules for magic:

1. An author’s ability to solve conflict satisfactorily with magic is directly proportional to how well the reader understands said magic.
2. Limitations are greater than powers.
3. Expand what you already have before adding something new.

When it comes to my own writing, I may have broken these three rules at least a dozen times, maybe two or three dozen. I haven’t had any complaints from my readers about Deus Ex Machina endings, but that doesn’t mean my magical stories didn’t have the potential for them.

For example, some of you may have read a short story I wrote called “Dark Fantasy Rock Goddess”, where a singer-songwriter named Autumn Smith hires a sorcerer mercenary named Bloodshark to be her bodyguard during a performance in a rowdy orc bar. Bloodshark has the ability to throw lightning, ice, and fire spells willy-nilly with as little or as much power as he wants, no exceptions. I never established limits on Bloodshark’s powers nor did I specify what they were until the battle scene. He ended up slaughtering the entire audience of that orc bar with his magical abilities alone. Because Autumn has no magic powers of her own, she’s helpless against Bloodshark and succumbs to his might. The point of the story wasn’t the magic itself; it was the twist at the end where Bloodshark reveals himself to be an obsessive fan who doesn’t take no for an answer from any of his female clients. That twist could have very well been my saving grace when it comes to avoiding Deus Ex Machina.

While I have a good track record for writing believable endings, it doesn’t mean I’m undefeated. I recently wrote a short story called “Burning Dragon”, where a humanoid dragon mercenary (man, I’m obsessed with mercenaries!) named Brock Soulburn is hired to retrieve a magical demon mask called Night Terror that originally belonged to a tribe of barbaric orcs (I’m also obsessed with orcs!). The mask comes to life and terrorizes Brock in the same way Bugs Bunny would terrorize Elmer Fudd: with silly cartoonish antics, of course. Brock gives up on his mission, but teams up with Night Terror to rip off the orc tribe of its gold. In the final moments of the story, Brock wears Night Terror like a real mask and suddenly his fire-breathing powers are more devastating than before and also include the ability to steal souls of everybody who gets torched. Again, there was no mention of these abilities before, but Edward Davies, a stalwart participant in the WSS contests, told me that he believed the ending because the situation reminded him of the Jim Carrey movie from the 90’s called “The Mask”. I’d trust Edward with my life, so I don’t have much of a reason to doubt his judgment. But there’s still that lingering threat of my readers crying Deus Ex Machina if they took a gander at “Burning Dragon”.

As I said at the beginning of this entry, I’ve never read a Brandon Sanderson book before, so I don’t have the benefit of absorbing his writing style and subconsciously applying it to my own writing. But if someone with his accolades says that Deus Ex Machina endings will kill a good story, you’d better believe every word. These kinds of endings used to be popular in ancient Greek theatre, but in modern times, they get scoffed at and rightfully so.

And while you’re establishing limits and rules for your story’s magic system, it’s important to remember that writing is designed to be invisible. Instead of explicitly listing these rules and limitations (which would be telling), sneak them in there through believable dialogue and little opportunities to use said magic (which would be showing). I do want to apply Brandon Sanderson’s logic to my writing, but it’s something I have to work on since authors are supposed to be stealthy when putting pen to paper. I’d like to think I’ve come a long way in the show vs. tell department ever since working with Marie Krepps. But make no mistake about it: stealthy writing takes lots of practice and you still might not get it right the first time. All authors struggle with showing instead of telling. All of them. Not some of them. Every last one of them, including my sensei herself, Marie, who openly admitted it to me one day.

If you have helpful tips to give to me or other authors as to how to stealthily establish limits in magical powers, don’t be shy about posting them. In the words of Red Green, I’m pulling for you; we’re all in this together.

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

This past Saturday, I saw a concert at the Tacoma Dome where Shinedown was the second to last act to play onstage that night. The prompt for this week’s WSS contest is “Shine Down”. This coincidence couldn’t have been timed any better. The only way that could be any more awesome is if next week’s contest had a “Five Finger Death Punch” prompt. But for this week, my entry will be called “Soccer Sucks” (another school-themed story). It goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1. Ben Troy, Sour Gym Student
2. Kira Lopez, Gym Teacher

PROMPT CONFORMITY: The soccer game takes place outside, where the sun will “shine down” upon the students and add to Ben’s crankiness due to the extreme heat.

SYNOPSIS: The one part about high school Ben dreads the most is physical education, particularly when they’re playing sports. He hates soccer the most and his anger shows on the field when he is (accidentally) struck with the ball and knocked to the ground several times. Ben blows off steam at his classmates before taking a permanent seat on the bench. Miss Lopez tries to talk him into getting back in the game, but after a series of false answers, Ben simply says, “The next guy who knocks me down is getting his ass kicked!”

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: Where do Seattlites go to scratch the paint off of parked cars?

A: The Key Arena.

Flash Fiction

In the same way that writing doorstoppers doesn’t necessarily mean that the author has a gigantic penis, writing flash fiction doesn’t necessarily mean the author has a small penis either. In fact, it just might be the other way around. If you don’t know what flash fiction is, here’s the deal. It’s just like any other story, but the general consensus is that it can be anywhere from 400 words to 1000. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but it’s enough to get the inspirational dynamo going. No matter what word limit is imposed on the author, the whole point of flash fiction is that it’s extremely short. To be able to pop off a fully functional story in such a tight space takes a lot of talent. There are so many things you have to remember while writing a story and with flash fiction you have to work within a tight focus. The rule of “show, don’t tell” still applies, characters going through personal transformations by the story’s end still carries water, and the ending has to stay within the story’s universe (in other words, Deus Ex Machina is still a no-no). Doing all of this in 400 words or less should be worthy of publication. In fact, I’m hoping that somewhere in the bibliosphere (I know, it’s a made up word), someone has published an entire anthology of flash fiction stories. I can’t imagine any doorstopper material coming from such an anthology, but that’s only because flash fiction is a highly underappreciated form of art. The only forums I know of that ask for such submissions are literary magazines and DeviantART. I could be limited in my scope of where flash fiction is published and if I am, I’d be grateful if someone showed me where the remaining sources are. I know of one other source which has a great amount of appreciation: newspapers and internet articles. It’s basically flash nonfiction because each article is only supposed to be 400 words or less, with as little elaboration on minor details as possible. Every Wednesday I volunteer my time at the Kitsap Historical Society and so far I’ve submitted two flash nonfiction articles to their newsletter. I hope they get accepted, because that would be a huge feather in the cap of someone who wants to write for a living but has limited outlets for doing so. In a way, these blog entries are like flash nonfiction since they’re only one page long. I’m hoping that this blog gets enough views so that I can start earning revenue for advertising banners. Now that I think about it, maybe flash fiction isn’t as undervalued as I previously thought. Hey, we all have to start somewhere, right?

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“For a corporate sponsor, you get one of those companies that loves to smear its logo feces all over the landscape. Budweiser will jump at this shit in half a minute.”

-George Carlin-