Showing posts with label December. Show all posts
Showing posts with label December. Show all posts

Friday, December 20, 2019

How the Grinch Stole Christmas


MOVIE TITLE: How the Grinch Stole Christmas
DIRECTOR: Ron Howard
YEAR: 2000
GENRE: Holiday Fantasy
RATING: PG for comic mischief and bullying
GRADE: Pass

There’s a reason why people who hate Christmas in real life are referred to as Grinches. They’re also called Scrooges and Bah-Humbugs, but being called a Grinch is a special kind of dishonor. Not only do you not want to enjoy the Christmas spirit yourself, but you’ll do anything humanly possible to make it miserable for everybody else, whether it’s playing cruel pranks or stealing presents. That’s the story Dr. Seuss got us all used to. But in this movie, we don’t see evil for the sake of evil. Sure, the Grinch was bullied as a kid and that’s what made him hate Christmas. Adding a traumatic back story doesn’t always equal goodwill, but this time it does. A green hairy monster loved by nobody and shunned by the wicked. If we’ve learned anything from The Joker in 2019, it’s not to mess with the disenfranchised. You will feel for the Grinch. You will cheer for him. And when he causes mayhem, you’ll laugh your head off.

A lot of this sympathy for the Grinch was helped magnificently by Jim Carrey’s performance as the title character. He’s not just an angry green monster. He’s eccentric. He’s comedic. He’s delightfully villainous. Whether it’s something as simple as the way he walks, eats, and dances or his witty dialogue that rolls off the tongue naturally, Jim Carrey has you by the throat the instant you start watching the movie. If Ace Ventura, The Mask, and The Riddler were injected into The Grinch’s rotten, yet damaged soul, that’s how Jim Carrey’s version of this character would be. But he’s not just comic relief. He’s nuanced to the point where everything he says holds water. This movie is often categorized as a drama-comedy and that combination of genres embodies Jim Carrey’s character perfectly. I’m not sure if he won an Oscar for his performance, but it’d be a crime not to give him one. I know, I know, it seems laughable to do so, but is it really?

You know who else had a convincing performance in this movie? Taylor Momsen, who portrayed little Cindy Lou Who, the only character in the Who village with enough commonsense to see Christmas for what it really is: capitalism in disguise. She knows full well that Christmas should prioritize family love and friendship over materialism, which is why she nominates The Grinch to be the Cheer Meister, because if anybody needs love, it’s him. Taylor Momsen portrayed her character as a sweet, bubbly, optimistic child who wouldn’t hurt a fly. That makes her message of family love more believable than the bombastic Mayor’s “buy, buy, buy” rhetoric. Sure, she’s not taken seriously at first because she’s a child and there’s ageism running rampant. But don’t worry, because Taylor Momsen would eventually grow up to become the lead singer of The Pretty Reckless. Not bad for a little one!

Movie reboots get a bad rap for being worse than their source material, but that’s not the case with How the Grinch Stole Christmas. In fact, I’d say it surpasses the original cartoon from the 1960’s. The Grinch has a more colorful personality, Cindy Lou Who is as sweet as a bug’s ear, and everybody else is living in those two lead characters’ world. Step aside, Mayor; you’re the real Grinch around here. A passing grade will go to this holiday classic. Wow. I can’t believe I’m calling a movie made in 2000 a classic. I’m getting old! Then again, if growing old was a bad thing, there’d be no Pretty Reckless and boy, do I need my rock and roll!

Monday, September 9, 2019

Autumn Energy


VERSE 1
Caffeine for Halloween! Trick or fucking treat
Taurine and Baby Ruth taste so fucking sweet
Stay up all night giving everyone a big scare
Too many screams and tears? I don’t even care
Put on my mask and fill your pants full of crap
Urine and semen soaking up your entire lap
Blood-soaked neighborhood, I feel so good
Broke the zipper on my jumpsuit with oak wood

VERSE 2
Living for Thanksgiving! My sanity is slipping
Roasted turkey is for chewing and ripping
Face full of brown gravy and mashed potatoes
Wear it like a mask, I’m so fucking unstable
I’ll sleep when I’m dead from a heart attack
And my intestines slide out of my ass crack
What a way to go until the next November
My psychotic smile is all you’ll remember

VERSE 3
Sickness for Christmas! Don’t be so listless
I’ve got a naughty list for all of you bitches
Wrap up everything in sparkling paper
From the severed head to the culprit saber
October and December are one in the same
Covered in blood, sweat, and dirty shame
Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight
We’re gathered here today to get it right

BRIDGE
New Years Day is on its merry way
Broken resolutions are the price you pay
Valentine’s gives you a reason to whine
About the lost love and lack of sunshine
St. Patrick’s is just a reason to get drunk
Vomit on yourself like the spray of a skunk
Fourth of July is nothing but a damn lie
Annoying fireworks blasting in the sky

VERSE 4
Why wait until the fall to enjoy it all?
If anyone wants to argue, let them brawl
Take them out with a chainsaw slash
Leave them on the curb with the trash
Or you can carve them like a turkey
Chew them up until your chest’s hurting
Wrap them like a gift for the undertaker
See you next autumn, you dip shit haters!