Congratulations! You beat me in a war
Want a fucking cookie? How about four?
Go grab me a plate and I’ll regurgitate
A whole bag of Oreos that I just ate
Congratulations! You owned me on the mike
Take your gold medal and take a fucking hike
Your precious prize is made out of chocolate
The gold is urine from my manly man rocket
Congratulations! I’ll never recover
Maybe I should be your brand new prison lover
I’ll be the top and you can be the bottom
Smash your ass like a pumpkin in the middle of autumn
Congratulations! You win at everything forever
I’m sure your victory speech will be funny and clever
Tell them how you cheated me out of first place
Then crack your stupid jokes about gender and race
Congratulations! There’s nothing left to achieve
You’re the king of the mountain, it’s what we believe
Play with your riches until you get burned out
All those cars for nothing, so much for your clout
Congratulations! You drove everyone away
Here’s your trillion dollar check on this lovely payday
Now you’re all alone with nobody to talk to
Not even Creepy McCreeperton wants to stalk you
Congratulations! You won against a guy who never wanted to play
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