FYS

You know that song about walking a thousand miles?

I did it many times over with an agonized smile

Spine felt like it took some sledgehammer smashes

Soles felt like I walked barefoot through ashes

My legs couldn’t carry my pizza-stuffed body

How did light exercise become a dangerous hobby?

Collapsing on my bed was the best part of it all

Hopefully my weight loss won’t be too small

I ate a bunch of salads covered in Caesar dressing

Who knew eating greens could be such a blessing?

Broccoli swimming in a river of salted butter

Fjord of cauliflower peppered like a motherfucker

Bathtub full of peas scooped up with a shovel

Fiber is the key ingredient in case I’m too subtle

I could drop the pounds like an atomic bomb

One trip to the bathroom and my belly is gone

I swallowed a bunch of vitamins and rice tablets

I don’t have to worry about an addiction habit

The pills are worthless, but I can always hope

That it’s more than an elaborate Dr. Oz joke

Maybe I’m fooling myself for the sake of health

Did I believe in it hard enough? Only time will tell

This sounds like a story right out of The Secret

But if I earn a victory, then at least let me keep it

Now is the time to get my ass on the scale

To see the happy ending of my own fairytale

Good numbers, good numbers, good numbers

Lie to me and tell me I’ve got a body for summer

A gazillion pounds?!

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Fuck you, scale!

It’s all your fault!