Monsters

TV SERIES TITLE: Monsters

CREATORS: Richard P. Rubinstein and Mitch Galin

YEARS: 1988-1991

GENRE: Horror Anthology

RATING: TV-14 for violence

GRADE: Fail

In a seemingly ordinary suburban neighborhood, a family of hideous creatures gathers around the TV looking for something to watch. As the cyclops wife says herself, “It’s family hour, there must be something on.” That something turns out to be Monsters, a series of standalone episodes depicting vile creatures taking advantage of foolish humans. For purposes of this review, I will only judge the series based on the first four episodes, because those were the only ones I could get through before tapping out. Those episodes are entitled The Feverman, Holly’s House, New York Honey, and The Vampire Hunter. I’ve seen other episodes of the series in the past, but they share too many negative aspects in common with the first four episodes.

If you’re looking for a series that will scare the holy hell out of you, don’t worry, because your heart rate will remain at a comfortable pace by the time each episode is over. The only thing about the show that scared me the most as a kid was the music during the opening and closing sequences. The organ chord during the commercial break bumper also had a chilling effect on me, so much so that I purposefully put off watching Monsters until I got over that fear. It doesn’t help matters that the deep laughter near the end of the theme song makes me feel as though there’s something behind me, waiting to attack. The music is so creepy that I encourage people to play it on loop whenever trick-or-treaters come to their doors.

Unfortunately, the music is pretty much the only redeeming quality this series has to offer. Mr. Rubinstein and Mr. Galin deserve an A for effort, but once the music is over, things go downhill from there. The acting in these episodes is incredibly cheesy, so much so that it’s hard to sympathize with the characters. There are a few exceptions to this rule, such as David McCallum in The Feverman and Richard Belzer in Werewolf of Hollywood, but those exceptions are few and far between. The dialogue isn’t so bad provided it’s conveyed by someone with more experience. But unfortunately, not even the money lines of the series can make me care about characters who are over-the-top and ludicrous. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to take the characters seriously or not. It’s almost as if the series was cheesy on purpose. If that’s the case, then the creators shot themselves in the foot with a double barrel shotgun.

The other thing that bothered me about this series was how slow the pacing of each episode was. I understand that exposition is essential to any story, but sometimes I think there’s more exposition than actual tension. It takes each episode forever to get to the real action. It takes so long, in fact, that I tune out as soon as the juicy parts come to fruition. Maybe it’s my Millennial blood that makes me impatient. Maybe slow storytelling was more effective in the late 80’s and early 90’s. Maybe so much of this series is outdated aside from the giant cell phones and radios. Either way, the agonizingly slow storytelling doesn’t age well in today’s world. I want action! I want drama! I want tension! And I want it now!

The only reason why I decided to revisit this series was because of nostalgic purposes. I remember being a little kid and being legitimately terrified of the music and the monsters themselves. But I’m not a kid anymore and nostalgia ain’t what it used to be. There are a lot of shows, like Monsters, that were cool to watch when I was little, but not so cool in the present now that I have a better grasp of storytelling and acting elements. A failing grade goes to this series because it’s cheesier than a stuffed crust pizza.