***DUMB ASS SHIT***
One of the things we share as human beings is a tendency to
make mistakes, especially during our younger years when we’re just figuring out
the world. To put it in harsher terms, we’ve all said and done…say it with
me…dumb ass shit. Nobody is immune to this, because nobody is perfect. As long
as you don’t cross the Moral Event Horizon (rape, murder, etc.), you’re
entitled to make these little mistakes that you can learn from. If you’ve ever
watched a Young Turks video where they’re discussing a teenaged subject, you’ll
notice that the pundits can be forgiving of them because they too said and
did…say it again…dumb ass shit when they were younger.
Yes, it’s true, ladies and gentlemen: I too have a history
of saying and doing dumb ass shit, especially as it relates to the internet.
I’ve looked back at some of the things I’ve posted on my Deviant Art, Blogger,
and Face Book accounts and I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I could just
delete these posts, but seeing as how there are so fucking many of them, it’ll
take more time than I care to spend. Many of the things I’ve posted could be
construed as bigoted in some way, though my intentions were only to be “edgy”
or “funny”. I just read a nonfiction essay I wrote in 2009 called “Class of
‘13” where I accuse teenagers of being text-messaging queens that need strict
discipline. Holy shit, did I really expect people to laugh at that? What about
Hardcore Harry, a Harry Potter parody where the main character says he’s afraid
of Draco Malfoy’s “homosexual urges”. Shaking my head, folks. Shaking my head.
Apparently, it took me a long time for me to mature
throughout the years, because I’ve been saying dumb shit in 2014 as well. My
blogger.com posts at the time were riddled with depressing anecdotes about
songs that made me cry or romantic couples in fiction that made me wish I had
love too. One of my now deleted books, Foe vs. Blade, has an introductory
chapter where I list off all of the major bad shit that’s happened in my life
from high school until the date of publication. It wasn’t until 2015 that I
started posting about positive things in my life and, surprise, surprise, I
became a happier person because of it. I knew Rhonda Byrne’s book would come in
handy someday.
So, I don’t know if you the audience plan on digging through
my internet postings, but if you see something buried beneath the happy and
accepting stuff that could be construed as “dumb ass shit”, know that I am no
longer proud of such things. Being “edgy” isn’t nearly as important as being
intelligent and wise. Even the edgiest of edgy artists have to have a reason
for their R-rated jokes. I’ve said and done my fair share of stupid shit in my
life and I’ve learned from all of it. This is not a cheap attempt at obtaining
forgiveness, but if I keep kicking myself over these things, then I’m forever
stuck in the past. We can all grow from our mistakes and become decent people.
I figured writing this blog would be easier than going
through my internet history and wiping it clean of…say it again…dumb ass shit.
But even if I was able to give my internet history the Mr. Clean treatment,
there’s that old adage of things being on the internet forever. So instead, I’m
going to say this: I’m sorry for all the dumb ass shit. It’s not me, it’s not
who I want to be, and it’s not important to my career. Let’s move forward.
We’ve got ears, say cheers!
***POISON TONGUE TALES 2: THE RIGHT TO REMAIN PSYCHOTIC***
As long as we’re on the topic of dumb ass shit, here’s
something I attempted months ago, but never got off the ground. It’s called
“Hardcore Hogan” (not to be confused with “Hardcore Harry”) and it goes like
this:
CHARACTERS:
- Garrison Kelly, Captured Earthling
- Hardcore Hogan, Garrison’s Alter Ego
- Kasabian, Alien Lord
- Random Squid-Faced Alien Warriors
PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.
SYNOPSIS: Garrison wakes up one day and finds himself in an
alien ship’s prison cell. He has no idea what he’s doing there, but when he
tries to shake the bars and complain, he gets electrocuted by the guards. Just
when he is about to give in, he finds the Hall of Fame ring of his favorite
professional wrestler Hardcore Hogan in the corner of the cell. When Garrison
puts the ring on, he transforms into the muscular wrestler and puts a beating
on the aliens after ripping the bars off the cell door. Kasabian serves as his
final enemy and the only person who could possibly explain why Garrison/Hogan
is on this ship to begin with.
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“There are some large
groups out there whose names are a little mixed up. The Department of Water and
Power. Well, water and power don’t go together, ‘cause you’ll get fucking
electrocuted. Then you have the Food and Drug Administration. Well, with most
drugs, you don’t have any food, except for marijuana, but they shouldn’t be
bothering people with marijuana to begin with. And then you have that really
interesting organization, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Do I
even have to discuss this one? Bad combination. Here’s what you do. You call
the police the Department of Power and Firearms. Then you have the Food and
Water Administration. Those are two things you need to survive: food and water.
And then you have the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Drugs, which keeps all
the good shit in one place.”
-George Carlin-
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