Give Me the Weapon

So…have any of you watched a movie or TV show where an attacker is threatening people with a weapon and someone pleads with him to hand it over?

“Give me the gun. Don’t do this.”

“It’s okay, just give me the knife. Please.”

“Give me the crowbar before you do something you’ll regret.”

It makes for some intense drama, no doubt…unless of course the weapon isn’t a basic one and has a complex name.

“Give me Excalibur. Please.”

“Give me the Dork Slayer before you hurt somebody.”

“Give me the Shadow Edge before something bad happens. I’m begging you.”

And just like that you’ve gone from dramatic tension to the audience busting up with laughter.

I Apologize

VERSE 1

Assassins live by a code of silence

Leave no trace of forensic science

Leave behind a trail of violence

Escape the sounds of police sirens

Weapon of choice isn’t a knife or gun

Motive isn’t the thrill of the hunt

Vicarious visions the camera caught

All I did was sit back and watch

CHORUS

I apologize for not being your savior

I apologize for being your traitor

All I had to do was speak my mind

But another innocent got left behind

VERSE 2

You’re all grown up and standing tall

You just can’t wait for your next brawl

Lashing out at everyone in sight

Someone’s going to the hospital tonight

It’s too late to recapture innocence

It’s too late to close the distance

It’s too late to give you your love

You fought like a hawk, slew all the doves

CHORUS

I apologize for not being your savior

I apologize for being your traitor

All I had to do was speak my mind

But another innocent got left behind

VERSE 3

If I could, I’d hug you tightly forever

Tell you it’s okay and never say never

Tell you I’m sorry for shutting my mouth

I’m sorry for taking the easy way out

You won’t forgive me for my deadly sins

You threw my apology in the garbage bin

I can’t blame you for even a short second

Silence is an assassin’s favorite weapon

EXTENDED CHORUS

I apologize for not being your savior

I apologize for being your traitor

All I had to do was speak my mind

But another innocent got left behind

I apologize for leaving you for dead

I apologize for the trauma in your head

I apologize for the monster you’ve become

The pain is now yours to sooth and numb

FINAL LINE

I’m sorry…

Vooga

Let’s try a little English language exercise today before we get started. Take any kind of dangerous word and put it in front of “Mafia”. We get things like Fireball Mafia, Cutthroat Mafia, Rhino Skull Mafia, and the subject of today’s character analysis: The Copperhead Mafia. There, wasn’t that fun? It’s probably a lot more fun than getting your ass kicked by the Copperhead Mafia, especially when that beat down involves the leader of the group: Vooga.

Vooga is a stereotypical Cult of Personality villain in the sense he has his minions do all of his dirty work and he wants to control everything around him. He has so many minions they could technically all overthrow him and he wouldn’t matter. That would be ideal if it wasn’t for one small detail. The movie script Vooga was a part of was a dark fantasy western called Texas Technique and in this canon necromancy is popular among villains. Since Vooga is a necromancer himself with a snake motif, he could throw a poisonous bone spear through the ribs of anybody who opposed him. Or if his opponent was an undead creature, Vooga could manipulate that being into torturous positions until boredom hit like a punch to the face. Given his reputation for sadism, it could take entire lifetimes before he got bored of torturing his undead victims, or even his live ones.

Pissing off this ophidian necromancer can lead to apocalyptic results, especially when the sin in question is stealing a magical red sphere of blood that can transform into any weapon the user wants. Ronan Duran, an undead cowboy who stole the weapon in the first place, is at the top of Vooga’s shit list. Remember what I said about necromancers being able to torture and twist undead creatures whenever they want? Well, since Ronan happens to be one of them and also happens to be the main hero of Texas Technique, he’s definitely going to go through hell if he wants to earn his ending. Ronan could be set on fire, electrocuted, poisoned, or Vooga could crumple him up like a piece of paper and throw him like a fetch toy for one of his giant wolf minions.

Vooga can have endless hours of fun at the expense of whoever he wants. There’s just one thing standing in his way: he actually has to go out and find these people, because his minions keep getting their asses kicked. It’s almost as if Vooga is the M. Bison of the dark fantasy wild west. He’s all powerful and all knowing, but he’s too lazy to do his own heavy lifting. When you get lazy, you get complacent. The longer you stay complacent, the easier it is for your opponent to kill you. Because Vooga is the head villain of Texas Technique and the good guys always win, he is eventually overcome with holy magic and shrivels up into a pile of dust and snake skin.

Every dark fantasy story can put a Cult of Personality to good use, especially if that Cult of Personality wants to conquer everything around him. But I think that if I use Vooga again, he’ll do all his own heavy lifting from now on. After all, if you want something done right, do it yourself. Yes, it’s nice to have a maid to rub your aching scales and a butler to cook your undead flesh like a rare steak. However, with lazy villains, they can just as easily go back to having nothing in the blink of an eye. If UFC fighter and fan villain Michael Bisping got somebody else to get in the cage for him, he wouldn’t have the journeyman record and legendary status he has today. Vooga can learn something from the hard work and evil ways of Mr. Bisping.

　

***DOMESTIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Nobody wants to see the Flintstones get brutally murdered.”

-Susan Wilson-