Kickboxer: Vengeance

MOVIE TITLE: Kickboxer: Vengeance

DIRECTOR: John Stockwell

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Martial Arts

RATING: R for bloody violence, mild swearing, and nudity

GRADE: Mixed

Martial arts prospect Kurt Sloane travels to Thailand to exact revenge for his brother Eric after undefeated Muay Thai champion Tong Po kills Eric in an underground fight. Kurt attempts to murder Po in his sleep with a pistol, but gets taken away by the police instead. Kurt’s only chance at avenging his brother is to train with the legendary Master Durand, who initially prepared Eric for his own fight with Tong Po. While all of this is going on, the Thai police are building a case against a fight promoter with corrupt connections to the law. Between Tong Po and Marcia (the crooked promoter), Kurt Sloane has an uphill battle that will see him spill more blood on the canvas than even his own dead brother.

Because this is a marital arts movie with various UFC fighters and former WWE Champion Dave Bautista in starring roles, the obvious positive point of this movie was the high octane violence. Kurt Sloane is a badass warrior, but even he has to succumb to much more powerful fighters in the early going of the movie. The training under Master Durand is no joke: cracking coconuts, bicycling under water, vertical pushups, and of course, getting the crap kicked out of him from time to time by his own teacher. No battle in this movie is gorier than Kurt’s eventual championship fight with Tong Po (it’s not much of a spoiler since even the dumbest viewer can see it from miles away). In that fight, blood splatters the arena like a modern art masterpiece as they get to use glass-covered gloves and katanas. All in all, this is a well-choreographed movie. Every beating Kurt takes both in training and in real fights will shape him to become the ultimate Muay Thai warrior (or he can die trying, one of the two).

And then we have the low points of the movie, most of which include clichés, bad acting from UFC fighters, cheesy dialogue, and characters I couldn’t give a damn about either way. As far as clichés go, there are so many of them peppered throughout the movie: classic revenge tale, training a nobody to become a champion in a short time span, instant relationships, vanilla sex, and lax authority just to name a few. The characters were so badly acted that I couldn’t get emotionally invested in them. I didn’t shed one tear when Eric was murdered by Tong Po. It felt like Eric and all the other characters were just there for the sake of being there. The only performance I could really praise was Dave Bautista as he took the role of the villainous Tong Po. He had the look, the athleticism, and the menacing aura of a warrior, all of which he probably picked up while working with the WWE. Other than that, there’s really nobody to cheer for in this movie.

I’m probably being a little too generous when I give this movie a mixed grade (three stars out of five), but I’m a huge fan of martial arts ultra violence, so that’s pretty much the only thing that saved the movie from being a train wreck. It would be hypocritical of me to disrespect the violence in this movie considering I watch pro-wrestling and mixed-martial arts on a regular basis. The storylines, dialogue, and acting in WWE isn’t always Oscar-worthy, but at least it keeps bringing me back to my TV every Monday and Tuesday. Maybe a mixed grade is appropriate after all.

"What Hides in the Darkness" by K.L. Cottrell

BOOK TITLE: What Hides in the Darkness

AUTHOR: K.L. Cottrell

YEAR: 2014

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Paranormal Fantasy

GRADE: Extra Credit

Everywhere Marienne goes, she sees hideous monsters disguised as real people. It started when she lost her parents in a car accident and her sister Claire blamed her for it. At first Marienne believes she’s going crazy until she sees two of these Hellions gang up on a handsome young man named Gabe. All pumped full of adrenaline, she joins the fray and helps him destroy both monsters. It is then revealed that Marienne is not alone when it comes to her ability to detect Hellions. Those with this ability are referred to as The Light Force. She undergoes athletic and combative training with other members of The Light as part of her newfound calling in wiping out these demonic beasts.

One of the many things I enjoyed about this book was how lovable these main characters are. It shows in the flirtatious and sometimes awkward way in which Marienne and Gabe talk to each other and slowly build up their budding romance. It also shows when Beatrix and Wes, a married Light Force couple, have each other’s backs through the hardest of times. Combine all four of these awesome characters together and you have a recipe for sweetness that rivals Betty Crocker cake mix. They stick together through thick and thin. They laugh and smile when they’re having fun together and cry endlessly for each other when danger strikes. With this kind of unbreakable friendship, the Hellions don’t stand a chance.

In addition to characters you will instantly fall in love with, others have the world’s most punchable faces. The character I despise most is Rafe, the predatory ex-boyfriend of Marienne who cheated on her with her best friend Audrey and wonders why things ended the way they did. Then you have the ultra-nutty sister Claire, who insults and slaps the stuffing out of Marienne whenever she gets the chance. And don’t get me started about Claire’s new boyfriend Shaun. Actually, I probably shouldn’t get started on him anyways since there’s a twist in the middle of the book about Shaun and I don’t want to give away spoilers. The most irritating part about these villains is that they’re realistic and actually believe in the hate they’re preaching. In wrestling lingo, these people are called “heels” and they’re doing a great job of angering the reader.

And now for the reason why I gave this book an ultra-rare extra credit grade (five stars). I mentioned before how sweet and likeable the heroic characters were. The physical training Marienne goes through reflects so much of those traits that it doesn’t feel like an overwhelming marine boot camp storyline. She’s self-motivated enough that she gets through her intense exercises and sparring sessions without one line ripped from R. Lee Ermey’s character in Full Metal Jacket. I believe we all have the ability to motivate ourselves through anything if we feel passionately enough about it. Knowing Marienne, Gabe, Wes, and Beatrix’s friendship is still intact after all of this heavy work is refreshing to me, especially after watching movies and TV shows where the drill instructor mentality rules over everything. The battles and traumas the heroes endure in this book are no joke, so they have to be there for each other and have emotional moments every now and then.

The fast pace, the likeable heroes, the despicable villains, the world building, and the loving nature of it all make What Hides in the Darkness an awesome book worth reading from beginning to end. The author even does a great job of making you want to complete the trilogy with her perfectly-timed cliffhanger ending. Give this woman your patronage and she’ll give you five-star entertainment!

Take a Swing

Karl Wight stood in the middle of Renegade Gym’s wrestling ring with his muscular arms crossed over his protruding chest and his fierce eyes staring daggers into the wall clock. With every tick-tock of the second hand, his muscles got tighter, his eyes bulged out, his lips were tightly pursed, and the vein in his bald head looked ready to explode. He wore his gray Renegade Gym’s sweatshirt, black wrestling shorts, and blue wrestling boots with pride, part of that pride being he always showed up to work on time and ready to go.

And then there was Josh Tweed, a skinny twenty-something in a black tank top and purple sweatpants. He strutted into the gym with no concern about rushing, just bobbing his head to his iPod music, which was blasting into his oversized headphones. He approached the ring with even more swagger before dropping his gym bag, iPod, and headphones to the floor. He jumped up to the ring apron and stepped through the ropes to start his lesson with the much larger Karl Wight, who was still fuming after staring at the clock for so long.

In a low wolf’s growl, Karl said, “I thought we agreed to start training at eight o’clock. It’s eight-thirty. You’re a half hour late, buddy. What’s your excuse this time?”

“Look, man, I’m sorry about showing up late, but I was caught in traffic and there was no getting around it,” said Josh while waving his hands defensively.

The 300 lb. man beast of a trainer popped his protégé on the forehead with his palm and then waved his sausage finger in his face. “You’d better listen to me good, Mister. I’d better not hear another lame ass excuse come out of your mouth. Show up on time, get your ass in gear, and get ready to exercise. You really think Vince McMahon or Dixie Carter are going to hire you if you keep coming up with bullshit excuses?!”

“I’m sorry, coach, it is what it is,” said Josh, for lack of a better way to sooth his teacher’s nerves.

The enraged behemoth grabbed Josh Tweed by the shirt and rammed him back into one of the turnbuckles, eliciting a response of quick breathing, wide eyes, and stuttering from his pupil. “No, you son of a bitch! It’s not like that at all! One of these days I’m going to break you! And when you break, I doubt you’ll ever fuck up again! Do you understand me?!” For good measure, Karl slapped Josh across the face with his meaty palm. “I said do you understand me?!”

“Okay, okay! It’s cool, Mr. Wight! It’s all good! Just let me go and don’t hurt me!” said Josh in a rushed, wimpy voice.

Karl grabbed his student by the hair and pulled him to the center of the ring. The poor kid was on the verge of pissing his pants when Karl ducked his protégé’s head down, double under-hooked both arms, and threw him backwards. Josh let out a feral cry as the resounding thud of landing on the mat sent a lightning bolt up his spine.

“If you would have been here thirty minutes ago, you could have learned that move in a less destructive way!” bellowed Karl. “That move is called a Butterfly Suplex. As you can tell, it’s just as painful for your arms as it is for your back. If you would have landed on your head, that would have spelled disaster for your neck too. I’m glad to know at least some of my teachings are paying off.”

Josh grabbed onto the ropes and pulled himself off the ground, still sore, still bruised, still wobbly. Karl ducked down to get in position so that his student could try the move on him. Josh would have loved nothing more than to dunk this jerk-off on his back, but his arms were trembling and too pain-wracked to get a good double under-hook.

“For Christ’s sake, man! This isn’t a gay porn movie! I don’t want to be stuck here all day long!” screamed Karl. Josh tried again to keep the under-hooks in, but the juggernaut of a trainer said, “Time’s up!” and flipped the poor kid on his back. With his back feeling like knives are going through it, Josh tried to roll over on his knees, but he kept getting his face shoved by Karl’s boot. “Get up, damn it! Get up!”

Josh Tweed was on the verge of breaking, but not into a puddle of tears like Karl Wight had hoped. Instead the little beanpole, threw a low blow at his teacher, who caught the kid’s arm, hooked it, and threw him back for another Butterfly Suplex. Karl just kept on giving Butterfly Suplexes to his pupil over and over again. One slam on the mat. Two. Three. Four. Josh’s body felt like he’d been crushed by a falling piano. Standing up was a chore that required a firm, motherly grip on the top and middle ropes.

“You do realize that this is a wrestling exhibition I’m putting you through, right? As such, you’re supposed to fight back and actually gain some leverage over me. That’s how you look good in your matches. But hey, we don’t have to worry about you looking good in the ring. You’ll lose for just about anybody they put in front of you. Hell, I just took you to Suplex City, bitch!” taunted Karl.

“I ain’t no bitch!” screamed Josh at the top of his lungs. When Karl tauntingly asked him to repeat himself, he obliged, “I ain’t no bitch! You are the worst teacher in the history of wrestling! Even if I showed up on time, you’d still act like a spoiled little boy! Screw you and your family too!”

“Oh yeah?” asked Karl as he raised his eyebrows. “And what’s the alternative? Because no matter which wrestling school you go to, there’s always going to be a teacher who treats you like this! It’s called tough love! All wrestlers go through it eventually! You think you’re getting a free pass just because I hurt your damn feelings?! Newsflash: there are no handouts in this industry! If you want a handout so badly, then go back to your job as a convenience store clerk and go on welfare! Hell, given your performance today, Tax Day is my new favorite day of the year!”

The stress of Karl’s words brought Josh to his knees. It took a lot of strength for him to keep from bursting into tears. There was no way he was going to let this asshole see him like this. He lifted one leg and from there he stood up without the aid of the ropes. He was still sore all over, but his newfound aggression allowed him to block out the pain.

Karl got out of the ring temporarily, dug into his own gym bag, and returned to the squared circle with a gold and diamond-encrusted championship belt. “You see this, Josh? You see this piece of hardware? I earned it back when I was your age by fighting through the pain, scratching and clawing, and never giving up. Here, I want you to hold it for a minute.”

Josh took the title and stared at it in his arms with eye-bulging intensity. He loved the way it felt. Just holding something that expensive looking made him feel like a hero. This too was his dream: to scratch and claw to the top of the mountain and never look down. But of course, Karl pissed in his Cheerios once again with, “That’s as close to a world championship as you’re going to get my friend.”

Mr. Tweed slowly lifted his head and made brutal eye contact with his harsh trainer. They spent the world’s longest minute gazing at each other before Josh did the unthinkable and dropped the belt at his master’s feet. Karl looked down at his belt and said, “Pick that up, you stooge!”

“How about you bend over in front of me and pick it up yourself, you homo,” said Josh with bravery in his voice.

Karl got closer into his student’s face and said, “With that kind of disrespectful bullshit going for you, it’s amazing you’re allowed to work here at all. I’m so disappointed in you, Josh Tweed. Heh, what kind of a last name is that for a wrestler?”

As Karl doubled over to pick up his title, Josh summoned the hulking strength to double under-hook his mentor’s arms and throw him backwards in his own version of a Butterfly Suplex. The loud thud of Karl’s back hitting the mat wasn’t as bad as the surprise of it all, as evidenced by the teacher’s slight yip from taking his bump.

As the master laid on his back staring at the ceiling in shock wondering just what the hell happened, Josh Tweed stood over him and said, “You’re right. That Butterfly Suplex is one hell of a move.”

The other surprise of the morning? Karl Wight couldn’t be mad about it at all. He chuckled and said, “You sneaky bastard. You got me good. You got me real’ good. Maybe instead of being a jobber, you could be one of those tricky heel characters. You’re already sounding like the perfect bad guy to me.”

“Take a good look at the bad guy!” said Josh as he stretched his arms out crucifix style and did his best Razor Ramon impression.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Josh. We’ve still got an entire day of drills to get through. And then I’m going to teach you my favorite move of all time. You don’t see it much in wrestling anymore, but it used to be really popular in the 90’s.”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“The pile-driver!”

Josh’s machismo faded into a look of concern followed by a gulp of saliva. Meanwhile, Karl Wight was still on his back chuckling like a madman.