When people ask me about my favorite videogames, Final Fantasy IV is somewhere in that Mt. Rushmore...of more than four heads. Why wouldn’t it be? It’s got magic, science fiction, creepy puppets, and…unfortunately, it also has stupid characters. Cecil has to travel the world to protect the elemental crystals from Golbez. But every time Cecil and his friends touch one, Golbez is right there to take it from them, almost like the protagonists are just leading him to the crystals. There’s even one instance where Cecil had to exchange a crystal for his girlfriend Rosa. He gives Golbez the crystal and, surprise, surprise, Golbez reneges on the deal and tries to kill him. And then there’s the dragon knight Kain, who is supposed to be one of Cecil’s allies, but he keeps getting brainwashed by Golbez…over and over again! And what does Cecil do? Welcomes Kain back into the party every single fucking time the brainwashing wears off. Tellah, an old mage with powerful magic, has to sacrifice his own life to cast Meteor on Golbez, which doesn’t kill him, but forces him to relinquish control of Kain…for a little while! And by the way, Golbez is no better. He’s an all-powerful wizard knight who could kill everyone and everything in his path with just his magic alone. There’s even a time when he leaves Cecil and crew laying on the ground…and doesn’t kill them! If Golbez is that powerful, what the fuck does he need elemental crystals for? He could just lightning bolt the world out of orbit if he wanted to! Zip-zap, done! End of story! I’m not saying I’ve never had stupid characters before, but holy shit, they’re not THAT dumb. Now that I’m looking at Final Fantasy IV through a critical lens and not a nostalgic one, where does that rank it on the Mt. Rushmore of my favorite videogames? Hmm…
Wednesday, September 28, 2022
Thursday, August 26, 2021
Pee-Wee Herman On Crack
VERSE 1
Baldheaded puppets, intestines for strings
They’ll cut off your head, hollow everything
A present for the darkest of dark lord knights
Not bad for a bunch of freaks who look like
Pee-Wee Herman on crack
Never get your serotonin back
Pee-Wee Herman on crack
Childhood is under attack
VERSE 2
They’ll play you a nice little waltz lullaby
Not in hopes you will sleep, but want to die
Infinite loops until your sanity goes bye-bye
Not bad for some monsters who look like
Pee-Wee Herman on meth
Pray for the quickest death
Pee-Wee Herman on drugs
Intestinal noose fits nice and snug
VERSE 3
My guitar is made from puppet strings
When I open my mouth, the demons sing
When I strike the mallet, funeral bells ring
When the puppets dance, you’ll start to think
That they’re Pee-Wee Herman on acid
Schizophrenic voices bring the traffic
Pee-Wee Herman on pills
Getting their bloodthirsty thrills
VERSE 4
When you beat them down, the trauma remains
Making lemonade out of your melting brains
All the Xanax in the world won’t help you now
Neither will the simple phrase, “I disavow”
Pee-Wee Herman on heroin
Cool off your superhero arrogance
Pee-Wee Herman on crack
Once they’re in your mind, there’s no going back
Pee-Wee Herman on crack
Pee-Wee Herman on smack
Pee-Wee Herman unpacked
From a body bag, goodbye to your sack
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
SWAuTocrat
SWAuTocrat!